Is it all?

"Is it all

Or are we just friends?"

---

It happens like a flash. You turned the radio on and somewhat somehow a song of the past was on. And you caught yourself smiling a bittersweet one, a will-this-ever-end one, and the aftertaste wasn't any pretty. 

It saddens me how my life seems like a broken record. At this rate, I will soon add in a few more words into my hate list - and swear I would never use them again, or let them be used to describe me: such pathetic adjective like "nice" and such grey zone lazy noun like "friend". 

This time round, I am a tart happier. Yes, happier, and I count it my blessing. 

In a few minutes I will laugh these all off, and yes, it's another self-created drama, but this moment in time, I heard a silently roaring ocean in my head, whispering carelessly one word: Abandoned. again and again like wave crashing into rocky shores. . . And if this confuses you much, then again, this is for my sanity - another selfish record I keep. . . for the day to come, so that once I must, I will let go. I hope it will come easy - that I will come to a tranquil  point where I can take a deep breath and let go of just another thing I have been holding too close to my heart. 

I am actually sorry for the people whose mood was damped thanks to my post on facebook. Just because I get to spend Christmas alone in an apartment in Seattle - it doesn't mean anyone has to go down the drain with me and feel sorry for the little girl, throwing her head back on an abandoned swing...

I am a tart happier this time round, I am. 

----

"When you reach the bottom it's now or never."

If today, tmy world comes to an end

 

If  today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

I have traveled, I have lived.

I have walked among strangers - and made friends

I have wandered in absolute solitude, and cried my heart out in the center of the world.

I have told my parents how much I love them, almost every single day.

I have found my passion, been living my dreams as a poorly/unpaid teacher.

I have made positive impacts on lives of many, even in a subtle ways.

 

 

If today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

I have loved and I have made the person I adore know how special he is to me. 

I have kissed under the bright moonlight, 

and woke up, listening to the sound of his breathing.

I have fell for him, and yet learned to stay at peace with my mind

that his happiness will never be my pain

and my happiness must not solely depend on whether or not, he's with me

for another day.

I have learned to be glad - "us", we happen at all.

 

 

If today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

Even though we never said we loved one another yet - and perhaps we never will, I will close my eyes remembering the desperation in our last hug goodbye, the tears in his eyes when I said I cared and sincerely meant it, the warmth of his skin against mine and his touches, his textes goodmorining and the stories we shared. For once in my life, I have wondered what "love" was and whether or not my idealistic definition of "love" was a tart overrated. For once I didn't mind being questioned and challenged - for once, I did not mind being wrong.  

Even so, I still have A LOT in mind; so many places I haven't been to, so many amazing people I haven't conversed - so now let me get back to my darn statement of purpose - and people, stop whining cuz until I make this world a better place for my students, my children - the world is not going to end.

 

 

 

It's just not. So hang in there.

You.

#1: "Wanted to tell you this last night, but it was late, and I had a room mate, who probably already knew that I am weird but still... I smiled like an idiot last night :") when you updated your FB page like I asked"

#2: "Ok, I did a bit of a happy dance as well... I haven't met someone like you before that's why it's so hard for me to adjust. You would rather die than say a promise you may not be able to keep, or words that may mean too much to me. But you went ahead and performed my requests"

#3: "Who does that? I only know people who say yes to my face and then forget or ignore and I hate those people but why is it so hard for me to appreciate your way and order of things???"

#4: "Anyway, I had no expectation and even if you didn't do it, I wouldn't be mad or get all upset with you. The fact that you did it ...made me so so so happy. I thought you should know ^^"

#5: "... Did I make it all awkward again :( ?"

-------

"Not at all. I really appreciated your messages.:) you're never awkward with me."

-------

What am I going to do with myself now that I am with you, when I am already too broken, too used to being independent and proud, too jaded with broken vows and forsaken promises?

What am I going to do with myself now that I am with you, when you come with no promises of a future we both are uncertain of, no labels of any sorts, no sweet lip-service words of comfort but you would go out of your way to perform my requests and make me smile like a fool?

What am I supposed to do?

-------

#6: "Question! Does my neediness annoy you yet?"

-------

"Not at all. You just think your needy cuz you've never asked for anything in your life."

-------

May I ask for something for once then? May I wake up, knowing that you are still here - perhaps, for another day so that I can smile the way I do when I am sincerely happy ... just for another day?

Is it too much to ask for?

the Death of November

The Death of November

for you, who came with the rainbow 

thank you for a  year of learning together, and eventually growing apart. 

I am leaving. But no, I am not abandoning you. I am just not holding on to you anymore.

Why? Because it is emotionally exhausting; I am drained and dried up to the point where I find no strength to wait for something t
o happen anymore. And because I am also human, I can only go on - unappreciated, un-cared for, unrecognized for so long.

I was told love was supposed to be unconditional - well, not really! November is dying and I have come to the point where I am pretty certain you had already mastered the next level of forgetting my existence. It's not like it's a deliberate decision - I am not offended. Because it's you, because it's me, because it's my curse to accept and appreciate you the oblivious way that you are :) I am letting go. like returning a balloon to the sky, the dandelion to the wind.

At the end of this string, I feel weightless like I don't even know what I am holding on for anymore. Don't worry. I am not sad about the disappearance of "us" - I am just sad that I have become indifferent, up to the point I don't bother to pull the red string that once connected us, to confirm the other loose end.

If anything, please remember that I did all that I could - up to the point I could not anymore. The path we shared - I will always remember every step, every stone, every wild rose with thorn on the side walk. If anything, remember I once adored you, perhaps still, perhaps just not as much anymore.

leave

The bus will come tomorrow and I guess it's time you leave. I don't know if I will get that goodbye hug at all - but knowing me, I am never picky when it comes to farewells so... I guess I will just assume that you couldn't find me.

Or, I will make up another lame excuse to compensate for the lack of love, care and the fact that I mean almost nothing, just the girl you really really like but that's not quite love. 

The bus will come tomorrow and you will be home with the people you love. I will be here in the empty building and wonder where all these will go. Too late to erase all the tight hugs and late night walk - because I had already been inked with your carefree spirit. As if it was tangible, as if it even makes any sense at all... 

So leave! I remember once, I asked you to get out of my room, shut my door first before you knock on hers - and you went ahead, carelessly without the second thought that once that door is shut - that's the end of us forever. 

I meant forever, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, to just leave though it should have been the right decision.

That night...

Neither you nor I managed to cry - there were tears in your eyes when you refused my hug because if you allowed me to, it only meant the end, that I was dropping you and once again, I would run away. And you still wanted a chance for us... to grow. 

Leave, I will be here making up excuses and reasons for why there would be no text messages, no contact - no trace of my existence in your life

And though you told me: "even when I am sitting next to my grandma, I will still be thinking of you..." Cruelly I feel glad...

That I exist in your mind after all...

The last

That hug, was the last of its kind.

- Walk with me, will you?

She smiled and he complied. "I will do anything you tell me to..." Was that a month ago when he said that to her? She remembered vividly the moment he whispered those exact words. She remembered how he begged and begged her to walk out of her room so that he can hug her and make it all better. She was so hurt that she hid inside her only safe haven - unwilling to compromise. "I will do anything you tell me to... Please come out" How easy? Today she just asked for a walk, a talk. He complied.

But she stopped in the middle of the road. She looked up to the tree on the side and wondered: "Is this tree beautiful enough? I will always remember this moment. I will" He was utterly confused by her action. She asked for a hug, which he unknowingly was too willing to give:

- No, not like that. Hug me like you mean it.

She said quietly, looking deep into his beautiful blue eyes. He was taken back by the strange request. And when they embraced, she wrapped her arms around him, truly hugged him for the first time - not tiptoeing around it. She inhaled his scent - and she heard the first crack in her heart... "Hang in there, love. This, too, will soon be over"

When she finally had the courage to let go, she whispered to him:

- This hug, will be the last of its kind.

Before he realized it, the gap between then had already widened. The color of the sky had already turned grey in her eyes. She stood on the other side of the world, lifeless, with her hair messed by the wind. The storm was coming. He saw the decision. He begged but it's far too late.

- Please don't say it. Don't change anything now. Please stay...

His words fell onto the ground and shattered, piece by piece. He was wrong - he could never read her. He couldn't see this coming. He couldn't prevent it.

- Please
- Sometimes, the heart cannot afford to be... just friends. I am sorry

They stood there, awkwardly. And when he walked away, refusing to believe it was over - all over. She felt this sense of odd calmness rushing over her. "There you go, you said it! Now let go..." She took a deep breath and watched strangers passing by - they knew nothing about what just happened a moment ago. They knew nothing about her fallen sky, the broken dreams, the withered blossom. No more late bus ride. No more sleeping on his shoulders. No more Chaka and little adventures. And she knows, soon enough that excruciating pain is going to hit her hard, shatter her to pieces; soon enough she will break down.

"That hug was the last of its kind... I wish it was longer. I wish it lasted forever. I am sorry it hurts too much, I can't do this anymore. I am sorry I love you... I am sorry I loved you."

My first

You are the first to my many things
My first bus-ride in America, something I love but never got to do
My rollerskating lesson, something I am fascinated by, but never got to learn

The first shoulder I slept on, barely asleep but tremendously nervous
...
What Future beholds for us? I don't know.
Right now, I am on a bus - and you are with me
All that I care.