...and in many years, my memory will fail me. My desperation to hold on to everything love, everything dear will be overridden by the more important stuff - how to get home from the market, how not to get lost and how to not forget things around...
My dear, no matter what my finger tips will still remember the traces of your smile, the contour of your face, the shape of your sorrow and the shadow of your happiness. I will remember you as of today, when I am still in love with the boy who came with the rainbow in the storm.
It is important for you to know - so that you can be brave enough to go against all odds, fight your demons, and ask the girl whose your heart belongs to out. Scare not the people who judge, fear not those who forget your existence in their lives, for I am still here and I still remember the you at your 21-best. I loved you for everything that you were.
...and in many years my memory will fail me. I will gradually find myself unable to recall the color of your eyes and the fragrance of you after your long exhausting hike...
But I promise I will forever remember the sadness underneath your smile, the pain coated by your humor - the thoughtful, hard-on-self boy behind that carefree nonchalant mask of you
I will remember how much I loved you.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Painted my nail Red
I painted my nails red
today
a gentle reminder - that
love hurts - that
somewhere deep down I
do bleed, when the awkward silence
sinks in
Weren't we supposed to be
better than this. No, I mean
much better than this. So that
after I said: "I love you" and you
replied with: "but I love someone else"
We can be sincerely happy for one another
and
both, move on to better places
and new things
But no! You returned to your old shell
the one I bled to crack open - I walked in the rain,
trying to wash away the stained blood so that
I
can return fresh and new.
So I painted my nails red today
so next time when you walk away
I will have the courage to tell you
Stop right there and say what cloud your mind...
Spit it out - try me! I can be hurt by words,
but I would rather words than the silence
treatment. It sends me STRAIGHT to the
loony bin, and I - I don't do well there.
We'll see how things go
but perhaps, I will cowardly dig those red nails deep
into my skin the next time we sit in silence - or
talk nonsense about things that do not matter,
just so when it bleeds, I won't know if it was my
blood, my heart
or the red red crimson red
nail polish...
that smells nasty.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Where now?
Where now, Linhieee?
when you walk aimlessly for hours, not wanting to return to your hall - that place stores too many memories of the good old days, of love and something like love. You are scared of facing your residents, listening to the sound of them packing up, leaving this hall an empty soulless shell - seeing how amazing they have become, being proud that YES, you did play a part in their growth but YES, the time is up and you are bidding each and everyone of them goodbye.
Where now, Linhieee?
when you know it's time to leave, and that it was a job well done but the emptiness eats you up every single second you stare at that balcony, that table, that corner of the street you used to walk together. He's no longer yours to dream of - never yours indeed. Every morning you wake up - it gets harder and harder as you have to come to term with the fact that as the sun rises, your chance withers. As the supporting actress of the theater, your 3minutes 30 seconds is up so off you go. To the back stage, to the changing room where you shed your mask and return to life. But where to, when the audience are roaring with applause, the main leads embrace in a long deep, well-deserving kiss and you have to mute the deafening silent tears.
Where now, Linhieee?
when home isn't exactly the place you want to return, for the first time in your life. And honestly Denmark isn't the next exciting destination either.
Where now?Where are you going? Who's awaiting you? Who knows your pain and what you have been going through? Who sings "Cry on my shoulder" for you and fights your tears? Who now? Where now? What now?
No matter what, get the fck out of here first before you hurt yourself too much, before that scar runs deep, before your tears overflow . . .
One day you will give up being that super girl you are not. One day you will remind them that this girl's heart isn't made of steel, that it has been torn and right now, you are hurt.
One day - but not today.
when you walk aimlessly for hours, not wanting to return to your hall - that place stores too many memories of the good old days, of love and something like love. You are scared of facing your residents, listening to the sound of them packing up, leaving this hall an empty soulless shell - seeing how amazing they have become, being proud that YES, you did play a part in their growth but YES, the time is up and you are bidding each and everyone of them goodbye.
Where now, Linhieee?
when you know it's time to leave, and that it was a job well done but the emptiness eats you up every single second you stare at that balcony, that table, that corner of the street you used to walk together. He's no longer yours to dream of - never yours indeed. Every morning you wake up - it gets harder and harder as you have to come to term with the fact that as the sun rises, your chance withers. As the supporting actress of the theater, your 3minutes 30 seconds is up so off you go. To the back stage, to the changing room where you shed your mask and return to life. But where to, when the audience are roaring with applause, the main leads embrace in a long deep, well-deserving kiss and you have to mute the deafening silent tears.
Where now, Linhieee?
when home isn't exactly the place you want to return, for the first time in your life. And honestly Denmark isn't the next exciting destination either.
Where now?Where are you going? Who's awaiting you? Who knows your pain and what you have been going through? Who sings "Cry on my shoulder" for you and fights your tears? Who now? Where now? What now?
No matter what, get the fck out of here first before you hurt yourself too much, before that scar runs deep, before your tears overflow . . .
One day you will give up being that super girl you are not. One day you will remind them that this girl's heart isn't made of steel, that it has been torn and right now, you are hurt.
One day - but not today.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
The time has come...
She waited and waited for the first drop of rain to hit the ground. It had been three days yet there was no sign of the much expected tantrum. She sat in the deafening silence - awaiting the storm.
And finally it rained today - no it didn't rain. It poured. She put on a green dress and walked out. Lifting her chin up, she gazed into the tormented storm-ridden sky and let her pain finally hit rock bottom.
She whispered a prayer, a little prayer not for herself and with that a smile blossomed on her lips.
"Grandma, I am doing the right thing, right? Why does it hurt so much, still? Please bless me with the strength I need to gracefully walk away..."
And like a green frog, which bravely took the plunge deep down into the cold water, without fearing any unexpected danger awaiting underneath the calm surface, she walked away, dived into life and let the sky swallow up her traces.
It was as if she had never been there from the first place, never barged into their lives, fought their battle, relocated everything and changed their lives forever.
"Fate gives me a reason to be here and so I came. Now that my job is done, my prayer is answered, my worries are washed away... It's time to fulfill my end of the deal. . . Though Fate is cruel, it's the time has come"
You are not the reason why she leaves but you never give her a reason to stay. So she walks away.
And finally it rained today - no it didn't rain. It poured. She put on a green dress and walked out. Lifting her chin up, she gazed into the tormented storm-ridden sky and let her pain finally hit rock bottom.
She whispered a prayer, a little prayer not for herself and with that a smile blossomed on her lips.
"Grandma, I am doing the right thing, right? Why does it hurt so much, still? Please bless me with the strength I need to gracefully walk away..."
And like a green frog, which bravely took the plunge deep down into the cold water, without fearing any unexpected danger awaiting underneath the calm surface, she walked away, dived into life and let the sky swallow up her traces.
It was as if she had never been there from the first place, never barged into their lives, fought their battle, relocated everything and changed their lives forever.
"Fate gives me a reason to be here and so I came. Now that my job is done, my prayer is answered, my worries are washed away... It's time to fulfill my end of the deal. . . Though Fate is cruel, it's the time has come"
You are not the reason why she leaves but you never give her a reason to stay. So she walks away.
{for.you.i.write} 06
This perhaps is going to be one of the very last entries I am going to write about you and for you.
And it really is not a bad thing.
Today you came back from your date with a goofy smile and I think I know what that means. I was just so happy for you I could not even comprehend my feelings.
Wasn't I supposed to feel bitter? upset? and jealous? Wasn't I supposed to wish her ill? Isn't it just fair to have that human hatred? After all, the winner takes it all... Yet, I cannot bring myself to have such negative thought, especially toward you. Yet I cannot allow myself to stoop that low... I wonder if I am fair to myself.
Today, I feel a sense of happiness just seeing you happy, just seeing that adorably ridiculous smile lingering on your lips. That washed away all my worries. When you leave the room, my heart, ripped apart, snatched out of my chest felt that sense of hollowness. I am left with the emptiness and the gigantic questions:
Now what? What about me?
My dear, I know love is not a competition and Fate wasn't on my side. It was one cruel game She played and I was the foolish one. We were born under different circumstances and I came to know you a little too late to make a significant difference in our relationship. Life has plans for the both of us and I wonder if this is the end of my part in the play about you. The theater is cruel - supporting actors exit the stage and not many people wonder what happen to them. My time is running out and soon enough, the sky will swallow my traces. 3 months? I will be back, stronger and more jaded than ever. 3 months - 10 000 more steps, each one is a precise decision to get further away from the me whose heart belongs to you. 3 months? How many European cities, towns, bus rides, train stations? How many moments wandering under the European sky... My memory will fade and the bitterness will subside - all that I would like to keep is that piece of paper, with your red note imprinted on it.
And honestly, I doubt that I even need that piece of paper. That joke you nonchalantly made has tattooed in my heart. I would like to keep the sweetness from the pain.
My dear, your happiness will never be my pain. I guess the intersection of our paths has come to an end... It's bittersweet on my part but it's time to bid you goodbye.
My dear, goodbye.
And it really is not a bad thing.
Today you came back from your date with a goofy smile and I think I know what that means. I was just so happy for you I could not even comprehend my feelings.
Wasn't I supposed to feel bitter? upset? and jealous? Wasn't I supposed to wish her ill? Isn't it just fair to have that human hatred? After all, the winner takes it all... Yet, I cannot bring myself to have such negative thought, especially toward you. Yet I cannot allow myself to stoop that low... I wonder if I am fair to myself.
Today, I feel a sense of happiness just seeing you happy, just seeing that adorably ridiculous smile lingering on your lips. That washed away all my worries. When you leave the room, my heart, ripped apart, snatched out of my chest felt that sense of hollowness. I am left with the emptiness and the gigantic questions:
Now what? What about me?
My dear, I know love is not a competition and Fate wasn't on my side. It was one cruel game She played and I was the foolish one. We were born under different circumstances and I came to know you a little too late to make a significant difference in our relationship. Life has plans for the both of us and I wonder if this is the end of my part in the play about you. The theater is cruel - supporting actors exit the stage and not many people wonder what happen to them. My time is running out and soon enough, the sky will swallow my traces. 3 months? I will be back, stronger and more jaded than ever. 3 months - 10 000 more steps, each one is a precise decision to get further away from the me whose heart belongs to you. 3 months? How many European cities, towns, bus rides, train stations? How many moments wandering under the European sky... My memory will fade and the bitterness will subside - all that I would like to keep is that piece of paper, with your red note imprinted on it.
And honestly, I doubt that I even need that piece of paper. That joke you nonchalantly made has tattooed in my heart. I would like to keep the sweetness from the pain.
My dear, your happiness will never be my pain. I guess the intersection of our paths has come to an end... It's bittersweet on my part but it's time to bid you goodbye.
My dear, goodbye.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
{for.you.i.wrote} 05
The day has come...
This, I promise you :) that today will not just be a beautiful day - it's going to be amazing, it's going to be splendid, it's going to worth all your Winter suffering and your resentment for Spring. I will make sure rainbow and unicorns are sent your way. I will make that happens for you 'cuz TODAY is the day...
that my job is finished, that my worries shall be washed away. I will walk out like a proud teacher whose kids graduate from high school, like a sincerely happy nurse whose patient fully recovered. I will soon become obsolete in your life. So, I shall pack my bag and take my leave now.
Today is the day that I will let go of my feelings for you; however, I will continue to keep my fingers crossed for you forever and always, as long as we both live.
Perhaps we could start working on a future friendship, which you care a little bit more about me, and actually ask me questions instead of waiting for me to initiate the conversations all the freaking time -.-"
Perhaps that could be nice :) just saying.
One wishful thinking.
This, I promise you :) that today will not just be a beautiful day - it's going to be amazing, it's going to be splendid, it's going to worth all your Winter suffering and your resentment for Spring. I will make sure rainbow and unicorns are sent your way. I will make that happens for you 'cuz TODAY is the day...
that my job is finished, that my worries shall be washed away. I will walk out like a proud teacher whose kids graduate from high school, like a sincerely happy nurse whose patient fully recovered. I will soon become obsolete in your life. So, I shall pack my bag and take my leave now.
Today is the day that I will let go of my feelings for you; however, I will continue to keep my fingers crossed for you forever and always, as long as we both live.
Perhaps we could start working on a future friendship, which you care a little bit more about me, and actually ask me questions instead of waiting for me to initiate the conversations all the freaking time -.-"
Perhaps that could be nice :) just saying.
One wishful thinking.
Friday, June 8, 2012
{for.you.i.write} 04
I am afraid of intangible things - how do I know if they are there if I can't touch it, can't hold it, can't put it in a safe box just so during these rainy days I can open my treasure and remember our days in the sun?
That's why I like pictures, I love photography. - I steal moments with my lenses. People tell me that pictures keep a part of that person's soul in them - so even when the he changes, fragments of him still remain the same. That wasn't my reason for I wonder if that would hurt me more in the future, looking at what I once had now I don't, looking at whom I once loved, now I can't even bring myself to like. But I still take pictures for my selfish purpose, for my momentary happiness. I always think I will deal with the future when the future comes. But that's just what I think.
Sometime, I wish I could freeze this second, this very second when we were merely walking together in perfect silence, our shadow cascaded on the concrete floor, when the shadow of your hand plunged into the one of mine - we almost looked as if we were holding hands. Perhaps, that's the closest physical contact I can ever get to be near to you. Well then if so, I don't mind. The darkness enveloped me but I did not fear one bit. What is there to worry when you are here?
Some other time, I desire to selfishly stop the clock, right at this second when you laugh wholeheartedly, when your mind is not clouded by a pessimistic thought - when I feel the split-second assurance that I could understand you, that perhaps you have me in your thoughts and I am making you smile.
I wonder if you know how much you are loved, appreciated for the person you are. The journey I embarked to learn about you has inspired me to be a better person. It started with a crazy idea - but sometimes, it does take a crazy girl with a crazy idea to bring back the thousand splendid sunshine.
I am overwhelmed by my own determination, my will - for what? Why I am doing this? Because I have to let you go. And only by accomplishing this task, can I ever let you go with ease.
Why does it have to be this way, my dear? Why must you be everything I want yet I am everything that is wrong for you? Why must we be born half way around the globe apart, abide different faith yet share so much in common?
Why did our paths cross? Why am I in your life?
That's why I like pictures, I love photography. - I steal moments with my lenses. People tell me that pictures keep a part of that person's soul in them - so even when the he changes, fragments of him still remain the same. That wasn't my reason for I wonder if that would hurt me more in the future, looking at what I once had now I don't, looking at whom I once loved, now I can't even bring myself to like. But I still take pictures for my selfish purpose, for my momentary happiness. I always think I will deal with the future when the future comes. But that's just what I think.
Sometime, I wish I could freeze this second, this very second when we were merely walking together in perfect silence, our shadow cascaded on the concrete floor, when the shadow of your hand plunged into the one of mine - we almost looked as if we were holding hands. Perhaps, that's the closest physical contact I can ever get to be near to you. Well then if so, I don't mind. The darkness enveloped me but I did not fear one bit. What is there to worry when you are here?
Some other time, I desire to selfishly stop the clock, right at this second when you laugh wholeheartedly, when your mind is not clouded by a pessimistic thought - when I feel the split-second assurance that I could understand you, that perhaps you have me in your thoughts and I am making you smile.
I wonder if you know how much you are loved, appreciated for the person you are. The journey I embarked to learn about you has inspired me to be a better person. It started with a crazy idea - but sometimes, it does take a crazy girl with a crazy idea to bring back the thousand splendid sunshine.
I am overwhelmed by my own determination, my will - for what? Why I am doing this? Because I have to let you go. And only by accomplishing this task, can I ever let you go with ease.
Why does it have to be this way, my dear? Why must you be everything I want yet I am everything that is wrong for you? Why must we be born half way around the globe apart, abide different faith yet share so much in common?
Why did our paths cross? Why am I in your life?
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