I am cursed.
Get it? I am cursed, ironically with my own obsession of PERFECTION, i.e. just like a mentally unstable person, stabbing herself enthusiastically without even realizing it. How ironical?
I hurt a guy who loved me, just because he did not do the perfect things at the perfect time. After 8 years being tortured by my obsession, he opted out for another girl... Maybe. Simply because I was getting too difficult and demanding. Eventually when he finally learned my version of PERFECTION and wanted to do something good, I did not give him a chance to. I hurt him so badly, I can't even dare looking into his eyes now.
I don't care about friendship, I long for best friendship. I want us to study together, gossip about some idiotic topic, be at each other wedding, another kind of soul mate. I want them to understand me the way I understand them. I want them to be enthusiastic and cheerful and happy whenever we gather. What do I end up with? I end up, watching myself, hating my party which everyone enjoy because I am the only one who see all the things that are not going right. How come A walk off early, how comes no one talk to B? How come? I am hated, for God sake by the people who once loved me for I am possessive. And the best thing is that, I know it all, from the very beginning
I am cursed. I cursed with my own obsession of PERFECTION. I don't want a boy friend; I want a soul mate, a lover, a hero, a cook, a guy who can do just anything and everything for me. He must know Vietnamese, he must be able to talk to mom and chat with dad. He must be able to drive Vespa and he must do another thousands and two hundred million things. And please, for once in my life I met the perfect guy, I was loved by him, for the 1st time in my life I got what I wanted. I had the best time in my life. And guess what? HE LEFT ME, ETERNALLY. And guess what? Even him, he believes that we will never meet again i.e. even if I jumped down a 21 floor building immediately after I was told he was dead, I will end up in hell simply because I am not a Christian and he is. Guess what? This is 3 am in the morning, and I am monologizing, crying uncontrollably and asking why. Why I can't get him out of my mind to finally move on like I have always been telling myself to? No one is perfect, for no one is him. 2 years, 2 freaking years passed and I am still smiling on the 5th of March, remembering every single word he said. When he said he loved me.
I preach, I am good at preaching. I am not good of doing things, AT ALL. I am so good of telling my mom that I have moved on, that I don't hurt myself anymore, thinking of him. I don't. I think of him every freaking second of my life and it is killing me.
Knowing you, knowing what it feels like to be truly loved is my curse. Because, I cannot compromise for anything less than that.
and guess what?
I NEVER EVER regret loving you,knowing you.
NEVER EVER
