lime light
"We are the people, who were not in the papers. We lived in the blank white spaces at the edges of print. It gave us more freedom.
We lived in the gaps between the stories"
The Handmaid's Tale
Not until you become the top headline of some ridiculous accusation, not until you realized you are back stabbed, you turn into the hot topic of all the gossip spreading around...
Not until then, when you taste bitterness, frustration and anger, will you appreciate this peace... living in this blank area, between the print.
I appreciate them all, those moments, being scrutinized, being made fun of, being put on top and smashed to pieces... If I have not been there, if I have not done it, I could never reach this peaceful solitude now... The fun I have is my possession. Mine alone. Hidden jokes, naughty blink blink shared between Innovians. People don't understand me for I don't welcome them in to my land. This tiny territory I hold on dear, I hold on close.
Tomorrow, I will be on stage. A year passed, I blinked my eyes twice, holding back... Tomorrow I will give up my Council badge, resign, step down... Tomorrow, tomorrow. I cannot wait to give my share of responsibility to my juniors. A huge "well done"to Sheren who will become the president. I wish them all the very best.
Within this fraction of time, a year plus, I have learned much, have become a Student Councillor, have been crowned Miss Racial Harmony, have received love and hatred from perfect strangers... Maybe this is the reason why I deliberately avoid lime light. I used to love living my life out loud...
How loud can one be?
If I stand in the middle of the dining hall and announce my relationship, does it mean I love someone more than a girl who simply keeps quiet? What's the commotion?
I keep silence... blending in and fading away into the grey grey walls of Innova, disappear in my room, snug into my bed, dive into the blanket, escape school the next day to complete some plans...
I know what I am doing.
Just because you can't figure out what madness is running through my brain, does not give you the right to make judgement. But then again, being me, I don't mind you making noise.
I am used to it. to hearing about me and my future plans, about me and the guy I date from the mouths of stranger... oh what? Since when I am dating WHO? It's pretty sad you circle your world around me. Can you keep up? I am spinning ...
......................................
ocean
I am spinning so fast, my own mother sometime asks me who I am... I am spinning so fast I cannot stop for the look in his eyes, pure pain...
He is like the ocean, deep and calm... Living a simple life, according to neat plans. Things seem so fine. Loving once, dumping twice. Maybe meeting me was the only odd point that fell of the line. He liked to watch me. I hate being watched. He does not stare, he simply gazes his eyes into mine. "What do you see?" I once ask, and he gave me the perfect answer: "I see your answer. You are going to say "NO" to my next question which we both know what. But I am still going to ask..."
What can I do about us? I can't love an ocean, I can't stir your peace... I can't destroy things I don't own so I am leaving him an ocean of pain. I reject his kindness and care for I have nothing to give him back.
There are things that must be mutual... Must, not perhaps... I can't pretend I blush when he holds my hand. I am not good at acting. My body does not react. 5 stiff fingers, lifeless at his warm embrace. Van said I cannot lie. I have the "I-am-going-to-bitch" face that can entertain her every now and then... For my own sake, I don't ever force myself to pretend.
"Let's cut the brother-sister crap. And the friend stuff" I said. "Let's not pretend that you can accept just being my friend, and please, I am not gonna pretend I don't see it in your eyes" He smiles. It was the very last thing I remember from him. Not even his voice, I don't entertain talk after midnight. His smile was beautiful, relieved... I find peace in what I did. not regret, peace. and secure
Let's accept things for what they are.
That I am strange and he is not
That my mom thinks he is great, and I totally agree
That my mom understands I can't be with him and she thinks I am nuts for being so emotionless
That, but then again, being my mother, she does not even persuade me into it
That, because of that, she is forever my best friend
That I am
That I do
hate the lime light...
That I do
That I am
stranger than I was
yesterday
