I wonder if you know yet...

“I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me. That you are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body. You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms and she will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine or eyes that never stay dry. You will fall into her bed and I’ll go back to spending Friday nights with boys who never learn my last name. I have chased off every fool who has tried to sleep beside me You think it’s romantic to fuck the girl who writes poems about you. You think I’ll understand your sadness because I live inside my own. But I will show up at your door at 2 am, wild-eyed and sleepless. and try and find some semblance of peace in your breastbone and you will not let me in. You will tell me to go home.”

- Clementine von Radics Tumblr

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I wonder if you know yet... that we will not last. That at some point in time, you will have to accept the reality we have fought so hard against. We are not compatible - we aren't born to be together. You don't love me enough and I demand so much more. I would like to be loved and cared for by someone who desires to make sure I am really ok, someone who wants to hold me a little tighter to make up for that 6 years I wander the world on my own, someone who watches my sleep, fights away my nightmare and stands by me as I confront my fear... You are not that person and I have no idea why we are still here in this awkward box of shame...

I cannot give you what you want - a calmer pond, gorgeous sunshine... I am wide awake at 4 a.m. with tears-stained cheeks about to break down. I am lost in my own world even when I am surrounded by thousands of people. I am scared of past loss and future misfortune. I am fearful of people. I am self-conscious with my scars, imprinted on fragile skin.

Love alone is not enough, I know because I had loved you with my all. I just don't know how... A clumsy earnest child playing with crystal ornament.

The ruins were expected. 

Ruins

A count down
I am a girl with
an expiration date branded
on her head, bright red and
excruciating. It-
reminds me that love
isn't forever and perhaps it was
an illusion - sweet despair sweet
sweet dream, wake up...

"Stop ruining love by wanting it so badly"
Should have known it better, should have learned my lessons,
should have just let go
I walked into a dead end, just to smash my heart against the concrete.
My love is strong, my heart seems solid - How
FOOLISH to believe in cruel fairy tales
Lovers will eventually come together - they told me.
If you wish upon the stars - they told me.
Lie, lie, lie
What I have left in my hands are
ruins of a sweet despair.

Let go, Linh. Let go.
And go home. Build a home - a safe place
for your heart and hide
I can't do this anymore.
I can't.
I
just
can't