Monday, March 19, 2012

{theLaundrylist} 05 Atonment

5 years ago I made a decision, that eventually opened up my eyes to see a new world. 
A dead one!
I saw ghost, zombies - the walking dead
I saw insincerity, liars and betrayal. 

I killed the last bit of humanity in my heart. 

It happened that way. Until now I did not know how I could walk around with such a deformed heart for two years long. My eyes were blinded by rage - I was disgusted, I was in pain. I cried nights and days for a reason only I knew, which many people mistook. I cried in fear and disappointment. It was a cruel game - I died over night. 

One morning, I woke up and observed people as who they truly were behind their pretty little smiles.  One piece of land, thousands of people, I saw unfairness. I wondered how those religious kids could walk around preaching and lying with their filthy mouths. I wondered why I - before committing this crime would have to go to hell just because I was not a daughter of God, but she could go to heaven with everything that she did. Isn't that funny? 

I saw unfaithfulness - the betrayal of best friends, brothers competing for the same girl - just another liar, cheating on them both. I saw her beauty decay with my naked eyes. Youth withered and wisdom cannot be gained without a sincere heart. I wondered what love was and whether or not it existed in this land. 

Then I saw people who could look straight into my eyes and told me lies. And I stared right back of them with more lies. If it is just a game to them, then let me play too. Why not? And since according to them, I would go to hell anyway, I made a trip down south, to the core of the earth, where demons lived. I was fearless - and I was cruel. 

But Ruam, Ruam taught me kindness. She prayed for me, cared for me. She stood by me till today. I live everyday for the past 5 years trying to be the better person, the more truthful person - for her, who had opened up her arms and accepted all my lies, for her prayers which washed clean my sin. 

I don't know how you have lived for the past 5 years. And to be honest, I do not care. I lack the skill many of you have - I don't master the art of forgiveness, eps. to myself. However trust me, I never dared hope I would be able to get away with all that I had done. To my mother who had to attend to my mental trauma, to my best friends who had to deal with my neurotic trust issue, I had gone through hell for the sin I committed, for the lies I fabricated. I paid my price with blood and tears - literally, you don't even know. I have lived the past 5 years in atonement - forgiving, but not forgetting those who hurt me, treat them with kindness and walk away when the time is right. 

You are inconsiderate - and selfish until the very end. However I am no longer the cunning being I was - I chose not to be. V isn't for Vendetta, at least in my dictionary. If I had a choice, I would have been down on my knees and begged you to face me with the truth 4 years ago. I wish I could have turned back time to save us, save you and myself. Perhaps then I wouldn't have to live in the lies until today. 

However I have turned out this way. I can't trust people easily. I just don't. I can't love anyone naturally. My time has passed and that was the most expensive price I paid - my youth, my innocence, my ability to fall in love. Are you happy now? Look at who we have become. Are you happy now?

Your confession set us free. I no longer had to act as if I did not know. I guess I was right to put my trust in you all those years that you will come clean one day.I believed in your kindness. It was just ridiculous how my tears, and the fact that I was heading on to a surgery table (without knowing if I could come out alive) could not change your mind, could not make you confess, but an episode of an anime could make you write me such a long and honest letter. Wow, how little I meant to you?

So that day came - 18 March, 2012. A day to remember :) I will celebrate it in years to come. Can we start from the beginning? 

Please live healthy. We must meet one day. When that day comes, tell me you've been well. And you have lived well, worthy of your chance to live. I will continue living in atonement till the rest of my life.

Now he, who never lived can die. And I who never loved, can learn to love again. What about you?