Despair!
Do I deserve the right to cast myself down this state of emotion as I fall into this situation of disgrace?
Don't give up, you whispered, how naive to think it is easier to give up? It is much harder, much much harder to just take the plunge and dive into depression or pack our bags and go home. What you have never thought of is the DISGRACE in bold, the aftermath of the messy equation, of your future, of 'what-if" and "I-should-have". THAT is worse than working your ass off now, even if, you have to start all over again.
I was not born with the privilege of giving up or an alternative of backing down for the second best. My parents taught me most words in the dictionary, most, not all. I did not even know the existence of that particular tempting phrase util much later. My entire life until this moment has been a long fight of endless battles. Killed or be killed... it is not easy to laugh in victory and quote from dear Shakespeare: "to be or not to be". What is behind all the A and all the "enrich" program I got myself into? What is behind all these happy moment upon the stage?
Absurd!
In this moment of disgrace what can I do but cry out? Cry out the pain of betrayal and despair. Just loud enough to reactive my idle brain.
Here we go again,
"With nothing. Not with nothing but. With nothing." - Disgrace, by Coetzee
I did not understand this quote at first glance. Absurd! it does not make sense to those who never turn empty handed, it will never make sense to those who never value anything in life. Yet it perfectly makes sense to me, scream to me every syllabus like stabbing sharp knife into my heart... and twist!
So Monday, I will walk into the class, in awe of the rest. So Monday, I will start from sketch, from the very beginning, from the bottom.
from nothing
with nothing
But I guess I am fine by it. To restart. Who will laugh anyway, at the end of the day, when all battles are "lost and won"?
ALL over again, I will claim BACK what is MINE.
