Thursday, July 9, 2009

Something lost



it is like walking bare in the wind...
You know you are missing something... something is not there and it is not correct.

I am much too young and it was much too wrong.

It is tearing me inside.

As if I am walking bare in the rain, bare...
Just that it is much too cold... much too wrong.
My body slips into this state of numbness...
unable to feel each drop of bullets, smashing against my pale skin which was deepening into purple shade
I know something is missing yet I am unable to spell it out.
How can I make it right? When I don't even know what goes wrong?

Aimless existence without any passion, without fire, burning desire
What am I doing here? now?

I am aware I am lost.
Yet my trembling lips frozen in the ice of my breath cannot call out... that piece of heart missing.




나 단 한사람 그대에게만

속삭이는 설레임에 눈이 부실...




It is this feeling that I have traded for my mental stability, for carefree sleep at night, dreamless nightmareless... painless.
it was this feeling that made me human, made me... ME.
I tremble... as each and every word spelling out to me each and every word... As if the fire finally was able to crack the shell, melt the ice... I bleed again... red, warmth, ache


yet


I am much too weak and this is much too wrong
I am much too weak and this is much too out of reach.
here I am... capturing my missing heart piece in my mind... for what? I laugh at myself with pure sarcasm... Even if I finally realize it, will I be able to make a change? Am I too afraid to make this change...

I miss this feeling which is lost.
or maybe it is still here, under layers and layers of ice.




I really miss this.
...pure.... innocent... sincere...



나 단 한사람 그대에게만

속삭이는 설레임에 눈이 부실...



piano... I play piano again. Play, not practice. Play means,spending time with the black and white notes, having fun, talking to them... caressing them with my fingers... press... light and hard! My emotion awed me. I thought I was unable to really touch and feel wooden notes with such emotion again. Yet piano tracks are the only thing I listen to now... Memorizing the notes.... let my deaf ears hear again.
I played something for myself, the elegy of my heart, this song, for something lost. for that particular feeling which I froze inside. This simple song... nothing special to most pianists means the world to me now.

This trade... Why does it cost so much to keep my eyes dry?