About growing up
There is one thing I am sure: I am getting old.
There is one thing I am not sure: am I maturing?
I barely meet my best friends anymore. we are all busy, SAT preparation, common tests, CA, more tests, more ambitions, more plans. We are all stuck in our own worlds, with the illusion of happiness. I was asked if I am happy. And I told my mother: I am not happy but I am not unhappy about it are you happy? Ruam, Ferina? Indora? We often call one another, for encouragement.Everything becomes fragile... love, tenderness. Sometime I heard Indora's sleepish voice over the phone, Ferina's sobbing and Ruam's hysterical laugh... I miss them a lot, only when I snap out of my miserable piles of homework, when I am off work and off "thinking", when I am human, not bloody mugger- or on the attempt to be one. I don't know. I wish I could at least find myself again, because I miss me so much.
I was honest, with myself, at least. It was not as if I were a jc1 students. As we grow old, the weight on our shoulders gets heavier and heavier... Sometime I just want to take a deep dive... in to the sea, or jump off from the 18th floor, screaming ARGGGGGGGGGGGG like I did in the leadership camp. This is not suicidal thought. I just want to feel this extreme fear again... I want to feel that I am ALIVE. I want to FEEL...
talking about "FEEL". One word, 4 letters, how much I miss that feeling when my heart and soul is full of passion... I used to so something because I wanted it, I desired it, I needed it. Now it is all about responsibility.
Who am I? It is a very good question to ask yourself. The clock is ticking... 1 2 3 4 ... 175 days till A level, crazy huh? 2 days till my 20th birthday? What have I done? and what have I failed to achieved? Can I look into the mirror and love the girl staring back at me? Certainly it is not easy to answer all these questions. I am frightened. I did not blog for a long time, and even when I do blog, I don't like my entries. People often ask me what it means to blog. Well, it's like to talk... monologue... if you can't present yourself well, if you can't even get your message across, if you don't even have a point to make: what's the point of making noise? Listing facts? So I shut myself up... But as I keep quiet, my brain explodes... there are so many thoughts that I know, if I keep writing, editing... trying to make it clear... maybe one day i will be able to understand myself...
It is all about construction, reconstruction, it is all about rewritten truth.
The truth is I am getting old. My eyes are bad and I can't run fast, I lost the passion to run and to do physical training...
The reconstructed truth with all layers of cowardice is that I am scared. Not of dying but living a unlived life. It is so easy to give up. I guess, I was not born to give in or give up.
Do you mind? Just being around me and not talking to me? It is hard for my best friends to see the tough me, being reduced to the defeated me today. I don't even ask for neither sympathy nor understanding. I wish you could be there and your presence is my present...
Getting old and insane, another meaningless post which I will not read again for years... Tell me not the wisdom of old man, but their fear and folly- Leon Trosky... I am speaking Lit. talking Lit. thinking Lit and hurting myself for PC-ing my life.
it's like cutting open all the wounds, all the pretentious perfection that people try to fool me.
Hey, I am 19 with a lot of +++++. I am aware, of the world, of the situation I am in. I just want a nice cup of hot milk, with my computer... I need to write...
Monologue... When no one speaks, I start to think... do i think too much? When the silence is DEAFENING...
I am maturing
in a very childish manner
You think it is easy to get old?
Wondering which path of life you can take to ensure stability and happiness for your parents when they get old, at the same time, find your happiness?
if it is for u, haha, good! Cuz it is not for me.
P.S: I felt my heart ache when this baby in the library run to me, playing with my very colorful necklace... He kissed me on my cheek. Me- the perfect stranger. I saw his older brother, older than me, held him in his strong arms and spook softly to him, telling him not to disturb me. He did not interrupted anything at all. The cute little boy-child just ended my miserable day with one kiss and a smile. I thought I did not need physical love, yet that tiny act of friendliness and cuteness takes my heart away... I played with them for a while. For a moment, it feels GREAT growing up... because for a second, i could provide temporary protection, and comfort to the little angel...
on a point... I want to be a teacher, someone like Miss Lin who inspires...
I really want to make an impact in a child's life.
