{theLaundrylist} 03 _ Dreams

several times I have questioned my fate - how easy, to drop a question into the unknown.

I told my mother multiple times that: perhaps I would fancy an arranged marriage. Me, knowing myself, I am the kind who is able to learn to love whatever belongs to me. I have learned to like all the dresses she bought, and rock it my style. I have learned to accept and adapt into all type of living environments around the world without complains. What about a husband? In this time and age, does a girl like me - who lives and functions well, proudly well, all by herself for far too long still need another being to make me whole? I am unsure. 

But the question has been put forth and of course, brushed aside by my mother, who obviously knows me better than I do to myself. 

I had a dream today. 

And in my dream, I was to marry this decent looking man - whom I had no idea about his identity. Relatives congratulated me for landing in such a great marriage. He looked at me kindly and disappointingly with sorrow in his eyes. There wasn't love for I had no idea how and why we ended up together, a day before the wedding. I remembered being utterly scared and confused. I remembered not being able to chicken out because I would rather hurt myself than to bring unhappiness to my parents - or to him, whoever he was - the one that was kind enough to accept a loveless life with me. me. me - the very disagreeable me. 

I remembered I was sincerely unhappy - no it's not the unhappy-upset-unhappy but rather, the desperate-unhappy-unhappy. I thought I could, but perhaps I cannot, and will never be able to...

During our recent conversations, I have explained to my mother that I have come to accept Fate - whatever Fate may bring. Not every woman ends up being loved and cherished by her husband. But I, I have a choice not to depend my happiness on another unreliable being. I am afraid I would disappoint her and upset her, if it turns out that I don't belong to the fortunate minority. She kept silent. Her faith unchanged. On the other hand, mine, mine faltered, I dare admit, mine faltered. I don't doubt true love. I don't doubt Fate. What I am not sure is whether or not I am fated to be with someone special, someone who would love me dear. Perhaps, yes. Perhaps, no.

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The thought of marriage has clouded my mind recently. I am hanging here with this tiny bit of faith and hope to last me through those moments that I have too much free time on my hands. Friends are getting married. My mother has attended 3 weddings on my behalf. While I am still here trying to fight tooth and nail for a degree that, would make me a more respectable and educated young lady, but not necessarily a more attractive one; girls my age are "sealing the deal" with their men. I do wonder who will be happier at the end of the day. 

It's not my time yet, I know. Not now but when? The question is left hanging in the air. I have passed the age which I can love thoughtlessly, carelessly and open-minded-ly. What awaits me now would be a calculative mathematics equation in which I must find my "X" to balance between success and happiness...

oh well... What will be, will be!