"too" is never good
1. "too long" - I have been gone for too long, I forget how I could be so desperately missing you
There were those good long-gone days: we used to talk, to share stupid silly stories of our days, how I snobbishly hated the sound of bad English, how you snobbishly hated those people who came from that huge huge crowded land... You used to laugh at me and my flickish nature, about the fact that I was so obsessed with wedding dresses... You used to make that joke that I could not wait to get married - I was barely 16, but when it came out of your lips, it hurt somehow. somehow, I couldn't handle that picture of the future you painted: the vast desert we would walk together just so another girl would wait for you at the oasis and I would be left abandoned behind.
but then, it was all past story. We "used to" - it means now we don't, we are not doing it anymore and chances are, we will never do it again.
I did not mind walking till the end of the world with you. What did I need? I was that young, that blinded and that naive. How I hate the fact that I then did Lit. How I hate the fact that I automatically read between the lines, even when I do not want to. How I hate the fact that I could not ignore what you unconsciously meant - I know you would never meant to hurt me in any possibly way.
Because you loved me - unconsciously, even when you did never realize that, and even you tirelessly chased pavements, looking for your own shadow. I knew you loved me. And so I waited waited waited not because I was stupid, not as if I did not understand you... but I chose to believe, I chose to keep my faith in you - in the "you" my dear would become, not the "you" you truly were.
Unpredictably, One day we both got tired of this endless game, unrequited love, childish selfishness. I was too difficult, and you wanted things to be easy. We were both coward, afraid to loose one another not knowing we could have it all.
But then I was gone, gone for far too long...
It was supposed to be a month so that my wounded heart would heal. I dragged another few weeks - because it still hurt when I thought of those nonsensical night conversations and the piles of cards on the top of my bed. When the 1 year mark struck me with awe, and my heart still responded to the mention of your name - I knew it would never change. True, we will grow old and get callous - so much so knife could not slide past our stubbornness. Unfortunately, I had gotten too used to the empty space by my side. I had gotten used to cross those miles and miles and dealing with my own misery.
Fatty still had problem with his butt, and I stopped laughing about that poor cat's story. I still loved wedding dress and wedding related world, and I no longer give a damn what people say.
I have gone for too long, away from you, it became a part of my reality: your absence, the fact that you would not be there and I would not need you desperately.
Be well, and cross your miles, see new things and meet new people, love another girl, who must be awesome and worth trading your best friend's life for. When you finally stood at the place on top of those deserted mountains - victory without anyone to share with, when your exhausted legs quited carrying your burden heart and shattered soul across Oxford bumpy lanes, when you watched the morning rise after that sleepless night without anyone's whisper of encouragement on the other side of the line, you would know why...
I love wedding dresses so much
I have gone for too long, I forgot what it was like, to have you to share those parts of my days. Be well, no one dies for not having another someone by their side; no one dies for loosing a precious habit. No one, not you and not me.
Remember, I would only be there if you wanted me too, not because you could not live without me
We both were gone for too long... And I thank you so much, more than you would ever imagine for walking away from me the day I turned my back against you. If you didn't, I would not know this fine world, the one now I am experiencing. I am doing great, and I would love to know you are great too. Can we ever hate one another? From the bottom of my heart, I know the answer.
too long ago, we were kids
and anything "too" is never good
side note: Taeyang's Wedding dress is being played in arirang radio at that moment, the moment I finished
this post. I start believing in life's messages for me. It will come, the day, I am in my wedding dress, and you congratulate me! and I would be darn happy and you would be happy for me too. You will see that I look wonderful in wedding dress because I am loved and faithful - and you will understand me, the part of me that a 16-year-old boy could not. Be well, truly, be well.
