Monday, July 27, 2009

my prayer



... i thought I did... How innocent! How naive!

I wish I had had the strength I always thought I possessed. To let go, all that I treasured. To reborn from the weakling I was. To walk again and away from the dead end I had been hiding myself. To run toward the sun... To let him go. Sometime I laugh at myself, bitterly: It's pretty funny when we come to think about it. We often act high and mighty: OH, I will let him/you/ her go... whatever! Here is the point: the person freaking left you, and by the way, how can you allow someone to go, if the person does not even ask for your permission? I am insane. I guess, I would never give him the permission, if I had that power over him, if I were in the position. So him left. So I moved on. I thought it could be simple as that. Last letter, proper farewell. Dried up all the possible tears, running one by one the procedures that I never wanted.

In my conscious mind, I never call out his name again so carelessly... knowing in some possible ways, he will struggle to reply, to give me a sign. And that hurts me tremendously to think he can't walk away with ease.

yet there are things, I knew not, which were out of my control.
The unconscious mind, the moment I slip into another world, the more honest one that my heart reigns, rules over my mind... Things are not that easy, right? When I screamed his name in the middle of the night, in the mist of my nightmare, I called out his name. For what? for protection? for help? for the salvation of my soul?

I'm sorry. I prayed.
Please let him walk away with ease.
I am as fine as I can be.
Please let him not be burdened by my nightmares, the exact definition of my reality since he left.'cuz somewhat, in a strange way, I have learned to be strong, loving this life. Maybe because I still have family to hold, friends and goals in my life. Maybe because I don't have an alternative. This is what I have, this is what I have to make do with.

Please, let him live with ease, let the last painful bits of our memories stay with me, I will keep bitterness so for eternity, he can hold sweet memories.

please...