and because I can't say it out loud...
All these words got stuck in my throat... I tried and tried to pronounce each syllabus precisely, yet nothing came out. What was left was the awkward silence. The moment where I faced my own reflection from the mirror.... I had to say it, to express it. God darn it. I must let it out before these words - like infected wound, ate me alive. But once again, today, I choked on silent sounds and the hazy illusion... of something I know not.
I have not stopped trying.
How can I speak this out? My pain? While I was taught by circumstances that I must never share my scars, I must never show my weakness and I must laugh through the rain... Every time I really need someone - almost like a drowning kitten, no one is there. Even my dear mother who would chat with me on a regular basis, somehow disappeared. I have given up on the alibi that something must have gone wrong - the internet connection, the phone line... Perhaps it's fate. Fate that I grow lonelier as I mature. Fate that I must learn to deal with my pain before I enjoy a half-ass hug. Being comforted, consoled is such a privilege I had not thoroughly enjoyed if not, at all. When asked, if I feel misunderstood, misjudged... I honestly tell that I don't feel misunderstood. I am aware that I am not understood therefore I accept the fact that I will not be understood. You shouldn't desire what you can't have, or so I learn...
However I still yearn to wear my heart on my sleeves, to cry it out unapologetically. To say this to my mom without having my conscience weighing down on me: "I am sorry I shouldn't feel this way. I know I am blessed but..." But WHAT? But... the fact that I am only 23 and it's darn tiring to be responsible all the time. Even my mother did not expect this from me, but why am I trying so hard? Sometime I am scared of a touch. Because I know, one single touch and I would break down. So I walked back, up high... It's lonelier on top. The higher you climb the more painful you'll suffer once you let gravity pull you down.
I also gave up giving reason for why I cried alone in the middle of the night. It was a necessity, like breathing. I must let my heart breath out its unrequited desire. There is only how much you can keep on suppressing yourself before you explode. . .
and sometime I wonder, if explode - exploded -explosion is such a bad idea.
I have gone to far to back off. I can't just let go.
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... it's funny how I have written hundreds words, but still you don't have any idea what pained me so badly, what exactly I wanted to just let go and tell... That's the point. There is already too much sorrow in this world already, and no one needs a tainted piece of my torn sky. Onza, tmr is another day
