and I did not see you anymore. You were not sitting there.You were not looking dazed like you always do. You were not waiting for me to return with our cups of coffee... I wanted Latte.. but for a second, I forgot the desire to taste sweetness of milk blended in the bitterness of coffee... what I did want more?... what I do want most, even now: that taste of the final latte with you or the taste of your lips, in the field, with winds enveloping us...
headstrong, totally disastrously the one and only you
I did not see you, I could not see you... chances were I would not be able to see you again
turned around...
And I was frightened... and I was traumatized... and reality hit me hard, I was at that very particular moment, lost again. I had been clueless in the maze of my grief after he passed away, but you came, held my hands and led me out of misery. My frantic mind became clouded with all the possibilities of the better - as you think it is, and of the worse - as I am so sure, even in this moment: losing you was the hardest part. Isn't it too cruel? You, the only person who bothered listen to my mumbles and chants messed up in uncontrollable sobs, now left me crying my eyes out alone on the roof top of our lighthouse... Why weren't you here to hug me like before? Why weren't you here to hear me confess: I really did not like you. The truth is, with every fiber of my being, I was in love with you.
Isn't it too cruel?
turned around...
and it all fades away... slowly, but it does... you and that curious stare I love, you and that hug when I was drown in those letters to heaven, you and that kiss in the plain plain green field... next to the old red post. Everything starts with you. Everything was beautiful because of you. Because all that perfect frame, perfect lips, perfect and strange mind belong to you, I get myself back in the sunshines
as simple as it seems
as heartbreaking, as excruciating as it actually is
you
were
gone
...............................................
turn around
"have we... have we met before?"
"where as in ... where?" - Reality checking and sanity checking... even in my wildest dream I could not imagine seeing you again. I am waiting for you, though my conscious mind reminds me you are gone. Though it sounds ridiculously unsound and obscure ... I am still waiting for you, with the couple of cherries around my wrist where you used to hold me firmly and dragged me out of pain...
turning around
"in the plains... old post... a mail box in the green grass..."
we trail off, and away...
welcome back...
This time, I won't turn around, not ever again, not away from you
from Hana to Jaejun
Hanoi, winter '09
inspired by Hana, and Heaven Postman
crying my eyes out
