Is it all?

"Is it all

Or are we just friends?"

---

It happens like a flash. You turned the radio on and somewhat somehow a song of the past was on. And you caught yourself smiling a bittersweet one, a will-this-ever-end one, and the aftertaste wasn't any pretty. 

It saddens me how my life seems like a broken record. At this rate, I will soon add in a few more words into my hate list - and swear I would never use them again, or let them be used to describe me: such pathetic adjective like "nice" and such grey zone lazy noun like "friend". 

This time round, I am a tart happier. Yes, happier, and I count it my blessing. 

In a few minutes I will laugh these all off, and yes, it's another self-created drama, but this moment in time, I heard a silently roaring ocean in my head, whispering carelessly one word: Abandoned. again and again like wave crashing into rocky shores. . . And if this confuses you much, then again, this is for my sanity - another selfish record I keep. . . for the day to come, so that once I must, I will let go. I hope it will come easy - that I will come to a tranquil  point where I can take a deep breath and let go of just another thing I have been holding too close to my heart. 

I am actually sorry for the people whose mood was damped thanks to my post on facebook. Just because I get to spend Christmas alone in an apartment in Seattle - it doesn't mean anyone has to go down the drain with me and feel sorry for the little girl, throwing her head back on an abandoned swing...

I am a tart happier this time round, I am. 

----

"When you reach the bottom it's now or never."

If today, tmy world comes to an end

 

If  today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

I have traveled, I have lived.

I have walked among strangers - and made friends

I have wandered in absolute solitude, and cried my heart out in the center of the world.

I have told my parents how much I love them, almost every single day.

I have found my passion, been living my dreams as a poorly/unpaid teacher.

I have made positive impacts on lives of many, even in a subtle ways.

 

 

If today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

I have loved and I have made the person I adore know how special he is to me. 

I have kissed under the bright moonlight, 

and woke up, listening to the sound of his breathing.

I have fell for him, and yet learned to stay at peace with my mind

that his happiness will never be my pain

and my happiness must not solely depend on whether or not, he's with me

for another day.

I have learned to be glad - "us", we happen at all.

 

 

If today, my world ever comes to an end, I have no regrets.

Even though we never said we loved one another yet - and perhaps we never will, I will close my eyes remembering the desperation in our last hug goodbye, the tears in his eyes when I said I cared and sincerely meant it, the warmth of his skin against mine and his touches, his textes goodmorining and the stories we shared. For once in my life, I have wondered what "love" was and whether or not my idealistic definition of "love" was a tart overrated. For once I didn't mind being questioned and challenged - for once, I did not mind being wrong.  

Even so, I still have A LOT in mind; so many places I haven't been to, so many amazing people I haven't conversed - so now let me get back to my darn statement of purpose - and people, stop whining cuz until I make this world a better place for my students, my children - the world is not going to end.

 

 

 

It's just not. So hang in there.

You.

#1: "Wanted to tell you this last night, but it was late, and I had a room mate, who probably already knew that I am weird but still... I smiled like an idiot last night :") when you updated your FB page like I asked"

#2: "Ok, I did a bit of a happy dance as well... I haven't met someone like you before that's why it's so hard for me to adjust. You would rather die than say a promise you may not be able to keep, or words that may mean too much to me. But you went ahead and performed my requests"

#3: "Who does that? I only know people who say yes to my face and then forget or ignore and I hate those people but why is it so hard for me to appreciate your way and order of things???"

#4: "Anyway, I had no expectation and even if you didn't do it, I wouldn't be mad or get all upset with you. The fact that you did it ...made me so so so happy. I thought you should know ^^"

#5: "... Did I make it all awkward again :( ?"

-------

"Not at all. I really appreciated your messages.:) you're never awkward with me."

-------

What am I going to do with myself now that I am with you, when I am already too broken, too used to being independent and proud, too jaded with broken vows and forsaken promises?

What am I going to do with myself now that I am with you, when you come with no promises of a future we both are uncertain of, no labels of any sorts, no sweet lip-service words of comfort but you would go out of your way to perform my requests and make me smile like a fool?

What am I supposed to do?

-------

#6: "Question! Does my neediness annoy you yet?"

-------

"Not at all. You just think your needy cuz you've never asked for anything in your life."

-------

May I ask for something for once then? May I wake up, knowing that you are still here - perhaps, for another day so that I can smile the way I do when I am sincerely happy ... just for another day?

Is it too much to ask for?