I love myself this way.
Love that I can smile today- a unwary one, a satisfied one, a spontaneous one- for no rhyme and reason. Isn't it a bliss? To be able to enjoy carefree jokes, tiny accomplishments (like being the 1st to walk in Lit Lecture, making a mess out of Fanie's bed, having a heated argument with Van and Cindy over an absolutely trivial issue...)
Love that I can walk out of my hidden world with such look- an indifferent one, an unique one, an obnoxious one- and greet all the shocked eyes staring at me with a smile- a lonely one, a forgiving one, a soft one. Isn't it a bliss? Not being afraid to be who I am at this moment in time. Not freaking out because of the negative reactions to the new confessed fact that I have changed.
...
I am wearing a half of couple shirt set for the 1st time this Friday. Already I can laugh about it, laugh and smile- a devious one, a mocking one, a nonchalant one- thinking of all the speculation going around my strange behavior. What do they know? What do they care? About who I am and my tiny little happiness. Am I just another topic for their daily dose of gossips? In that case I am willing to entertain them. I should give back what they brought me: a smile- a painful one, a bitter one, a tearful one- when I heard they called me a slut. What have I done to deserve such title? Comforting a guy friend when his girl friend/ my close friend left him? Walking to the bus stop, talking cheerfully with another guy friend in a fancy dress, boarding the same bus just to part at different stops? Or laughing away about my "ideal" relationship with a non-existed Indian boyfriend?
I do not dress up for guys. Don't insult my pride, confidence and fashion sense for that. Just because you think I am dolling up, does not mean I am. Just that our standard of what should be worn outside the hostel differs like sky and earth. I envy your confidence of your original beauty, the one that let you wear an FBT short and a weird shirt with a pair of slippers to Orchard Road. I am just not like you, must you force your definition on me?
...
My friends ask me, once in a while: how I am, if anything change, any progress, and carefully. without making a sound, they whisper a name from the past, the one that once could bring me to all the extreme of emotions. It once was a forbidden topic, the one that first created awkward silence, then an outburst of hidden feeling. I can see them trembling with the mere anticipation of my reply. Barely giving out a hint, I smile, this time- a effortless one, a honest one, a gentle one.
"I am doing ALL RIGHT, not alright but ALL RIGHT"
...
I love it this way. It is great, don't you think? To be able to set a goal and work hard toward it, with all your heart and soul.
...
I really love it this way
love myself this way, in this particular picture. I have not taken such narcissistic and self-obsessed pictures for a long while. I stopped loving the way I look. Now I do, like falling in love with myself all over again. Loving the 20 year old me, the one without make up,the one that can stand in front of the sea and SCREAM out many things insignificant, the one that can smile- an aloof one, an unpretentious one, the whole-hearted one
P/S. Kiss the baby sky by DBSK, this song became the theme song for ZOOM IN, Jap weather fore cast program. Some bits and pieces of the lyric, really something I want to share with the person I am meeting this Friday
"Another day, on waking up, I suddenly became aware
in the photograph left behind, the two of us are always smiling.
Good day Good time ,enveloped by your heart
I want to reach out to the sky,kiss the blue sky,your sky.
Baby Sky All the dreams and hopes are made of your eyes.
Tomorrow, certainly the sky will clear up, just like you are here with me."
Until I get the pictures with the couple shirts and the particular person that actually came up with that idea, I will continue my smile, the trivial one, the mocking one, the unforgiving one... for fun, for a while
