Tuesday, April 28, 2009

ngủ ngoan anh nhé... tình yêu của em


In this world you tried,

Not leaving me alone behind.

There's no other way,

I pray to the gods let him stay.

The memories ease the pain inside,

And now I know why.



All of my memories keep you near.

In silent moments,

Imagine you'd be here.

All of my memories keep you near,

In silent whispers, silent tears



Made me promise I'd try,

To find my way back in this life.

Hope there is a way,

To give me a sign you're okay.

Reminds me again it's worth it all,

So I can go home.


Together in all these memories,

I see your smile.

All of the memories I hold dear.

Darling do you know I'll love you,

Till the end of time?



ask, and you will receive...

I want to listen to a fairy tale, before I sleep... Since he passed away, noone ever read me a story before my bedtime... I can't ask for it either, you know, I am almost 20, cynical and bitter. I never would imagine all these fairy tales were true. Even when I wake up this morning, I still feel as if everything were just a dream...

Nevertheless, thank you so much... Nevertheless, I am eternally grateful for this sad ending fairy tale that came true because of you. Whenever I break down, it's that simple whisper: "I Love you" that you said that cheers me up. Whenever I feel like plunging myself down from that height, it's that childish memory that we shared that saves me from grace. Whenever I am pleased with myself, it's that image of your legacy that pushes me to achieve greater height.

And for all these oceans of tears that I cried, for all the frustration and anger, tantrum that the childish me throw… I am glad to know I can love and am loved that much. Who am I? What do I want? How much do I worth? Because of your departure, I was forced to face reality, I was forced to face the truth at its most brutal form. Maturity is not by chance, it is by choice…

...

I asked for a miracle, asked for a sign... knwoing too well, these conection between heaven and earth only exists in fiction... Without faith, without belief, I asked you for a sign, to let me know, you are ok...

And when my mother called me, midnight, out of the blue, immediately after our 1 hour conversation just to let me know she found my braclet that engraved your name... summer snow, four leave clover... I broke into tears...



fairy tales are real, right?

for those who believe...

...



you said: move on... where do I go?



I don't know much fairy tales, those I know, I don't believe. Those I believe, the endings fill with despair... So may I, sing a lullaby for you... for this eternal sleep and eternal happiness, eternal closure of all suffering...

ngủ ngoan anh nhé... tình yêu của em

I miss u, so much.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

happy birthday

all that is left for me...

a white, very white shirt, M size fitting... I've never seen nor had a chance to touch. He wore it the first time we talked. I still remember, every tiny little detail. I know it's somewhere here or there. Somewhere, waiting for me. But where is it? Is it well taken cared of or left unappreciated, crumbled and unloved?

an unread letter... I wonder what he wanted to tell me, the very last minute of his life before all said and done, before he embarked on the train of no turning back. I wonder... and keep wondering... his hand writing. Will I be able to read, beyond black and white? beyond words, truth and lies, fact and fiction? Will I? I keep wondering.

These are the two utter most precious treasures that are left for me. Yet, I refused to trade his My Linh for them, what is more important, memories of the past or the future? I did not know, till I realized how much his death transformed me. I am still overwhelmed every time I realize he had already walked away. This particular fact still does, hit me so hard I wonder when I would get very used to it, so used to it I would just stop feel the sharp pain coming somewhere out of my chest... Maybe one day, maybe soon, maybe much later. Maybe right this instant but maybe ever... But the greatest gift he gave which saved me from falling from grace remains. He did not give me his 2 last years on earth as he said: 2 years, till I am 21. But I wonder, if I had not been withOUT him for the past 2 years, would I learn this much, grow this strong, be this sure about who I am and what I want?

I remember crying most of the time. He left me an ocean of tears which I have never known of. The last night we talked, on receiving the news, on my 18th birthday and such, I asked myself why all these memories, so sweet and so dear to my heart can bring me so much regret and sorrow. I remember biting my lips so no one hear me cry. I would love to keep these tears for myself. Wish that he above all the people would not see it. No more undone business, he can proceed to the other sky await, above the earth, the part of the universe where I would never be with him or maybe yes, but much much later. "How are you?" How hard it is now to know something so simple I just want to be assured that he is happy.

I just want a sign... a sign to let me know he is ok. As long as he is ok...

...

in many years they may forget the love of ours, or that we met... they may not know how much you meant to me...

...

Supposedly 21 years old... Happy birthday to you! Supposedly today, we would part. Supposedly I had fate on my side, supposedly I had 2 years of your life to convince you that I was capable of loving you: your sorrow and pain, your utter childishness and matturity, your smile, your laughter, your carelessly burned food... that you did not have to go, this way. But who I am to judge? When the pain is excruciating, bringing you misery and pains, where was I? What did I do for you but making you worried.... someone to care for not someone who was capable of caring for you

Look at me! I am everything I am today, because you love me. Thak you for being the flamboyant sky enveloping me, protecting me. For who you were, and who you are, always in my memories, I have learned to be more than just myself, more than just the girl who was hit twice by cars, fainted continually uncer the sun... I am grateful... we met.

I miss you? How absurd, missing is a totally understatement. You are in my thoughts, my prayer.... a part of me.