Thursday, April 3, 2008

April



Without my notice, April suddenly slipped in, replaced March one fine morning. I guess the whole idea of replacement still hit me badly whenever I came to think about it. All most everything can be replaced and will be replaced in the matter of time. Love, friendship... Even just yesterday we still vowed to be together forever, that our hands would not part, "I will always be there for you", it hurts knowing one day, the person we say all these lies to will not be the same one we did in the past. I believe we did not mean to lie. It just happened. People walked away, people passed away... Yes, March went away, without kissing goodbye.

I was just too engaged with my work that I forgot.
April fool... In deed, yes, I was longing for it last year. His birthday, I prepared a present, my heart sang a little happy song. Today I sat quietly in class, counting the hours slipping away. He could have been 20, you know. We could have been celebrating... I guess, a lot of could have been, would have done, must have been... blah blah blah. But it is death we are talking about. It is not as if he chose to leave, or another way round

So April came, April is here. Just like the reality. I cannot afford to day dream no more. In fact I did not even have much chance to do so in March. You know, JC life is tough. I talked to mom quietly at night, most of the time, half asleep, or just woke up preparing for a sleepless night doing school work. Noone has the right to judge my timing. I do what I neen to do, in time that I can arrange to do. Even if it is a history essay, started at 2 am and finished at 5, it is still my work and certainly, you have absolutely no right to question or comment. But I guess, everyone has the freedom of speech, of commenting, of saying what they think is right. So I take my choice, not to care. I am tired of making you happy, getting your approval. In the end, you will replace me as I perform the same act to you.

So the question is, what stands the test of time, of distance of fate? I believe in family relationship, between parents and child, between siblings and true friends. I have to mention Ruam and Indora who are still here for me up to now. I was so amazed at my own feeling just having a girl night out with Ruam. Here we go, I dont feel awkward, or question myself why the hell I was here, or realized the fact that I did not belong. I do not even have to try being someone I am not. Just me and her. Silly stories, nonsensical, you really dont know how much I need this kind of chilling out. So be it, I do not lock myself in but at the same time realize there is not a need for "socializing" that much. And Indora, the ayam still gives me strength just by her voice, We talk. We discuss, I cried, she laughs, how insane? But she keeps me sane, doing the right thing. And I need not say, I love them so much

How is my April going to be?

May time tell, I have work and plans in mind that I may not reveal until I succeed. But I will try hard, I am sure, I will try my very very best. At the end of the day, it is my own future, my happiness I am responsible for, and along with it, my parents'.

Dear friends,
Thx for reading these lines, written in the middle of my research. Thx for pasing by and actually care. How have you been? I dont blame you or neither do I blame myself if we have not been contacting each other for so long.
"happines is not enough for everybody to have, so dont blame when others forget"
I love this quote from a teen story. I gess, we all need to concentrate on own study, work and CCA now. If we are really friends, sooner or later we will reunite. If not, I am happy for we have found out replacement, new best friends, new gossip mates, a new person to accompany you when you are lost, a new friend to walk you home... I am grateful that you have that someone. 'Cuz as much as I want, far water cannot satisfy constant thirst. Just take the moments we had together as good memories I will cherish as long as I live.
Take care, and shall we make our April meaningful?


Aril is always difficult to me. What a strange statement? If March was full love love and dreams, memories of hope... April hits hard as the cold reality, but it is neccessary that I have to come into terms with it. Accepting is not good enough, make the best of what I have left is much more important, and moved on. Someone I love much died on the 29th of this month. Mom said, 10 years, 20 years down the road I will not be able to forget him. Not forget, she told me, never forget him. For his memories somewhat made me who I am now. But not to dramatize the loss, or emphasize the pain. In the deafing silence, I know, she knows and we know

Quote from a movie "Sky of love"

Whatever happened, I still love the sky

Blue as it is, it is the color of hope, and dreams, Ad Astra, Innovians always say it, to the star.



(I miss you a little too much, but a little less, and a little more bearable as time goes by)