Whenever I hear Onew's voice, I feel a sense of melancholy. I do think I have never ever truly gotten over his solo track "The name I loved" after so many years. Out of 6 disastrous songs of SHINEe's Ring Ding Dong album,
내가 사랑했던 이름 shines like a bright star - at the very least, to a ballad lover like me. I gave up on the album after the first 3 tracks - never liked SHINEe's music, love the boys; but Ruam - my best friend, if you haven't known this sweet kind love of mine, insisted I try this song. It was in 2009, I believed and how many years has gone by?
3 years.
And "The name I loved" is still on constant playback.
A few days ago I was watching a new Korean drama "To the Beautiful you" - something I do to keep myself entertained, nothing serious, always the cheeky lighthearted dramas to ease my troubled mind, when I heard a very familiar voice in the back ground music. Right at the scene which Minho took Sulli in his arms and block her away from the water splash, I heard a very familiar voice. My heart stopped for a split second (being my heart, it of course knows it should never take its own sweet time and dwell on such pointless emotion). I took me a good few minutes to realize, of course, it was Onew's vocal. Of course, it was him. Something at the very back of my mind rushed back with the bittersweet taste of a forsaken crush.
가까이 있는 널 사랑할 수 없는걸 알고 있기에
I understand that I cannot have your love, though you are close to me
날 바라볼 수 없는 널 기다림이 너무 힘들어
The excruciating pain of waiting for you is overwhelming, beyond my capability to endure
이젠 견딜 수 없어 이뤄질 수 없기에
for I know, your love is unbelievable
Water and the flame.
I am certainly strange with a hint of cold-blooded oddness that my own mother acknowledges. I took this calmness after my father - taking things as the matter of fact. It wasn't an inborn nature for I initially took after my mother's sensitivity and softhearted nature. However, there are only so many times a willing-to-learn child falls for the same mistake, I don't walk around slamming my head onto the same glass door and blame it on my ill-fated destiny.
If anything, I learned to let go and move on as-a-matter-of-fact. I am not a quitter, I work hard - but there are things I bitterly understand I just can't work hard for. There are things that should have come natural - or not coming at all.
love
above all, love. Seasons come and seasons go, I watch the the people around me falling in and out of love, with admiration. I am still that chick who doubts the warmth of a hug can conquer the coldness of the winter. Armed myself with a wardrobe full of gorgeous coats, scarves, gloves and fashionable hats, I march on winter after winter with the firm belief that I, before anyone, am responsible for my own happiness. I am not willing to compromise for anything less than love - is that love? or is that merely the idea of love I self-created in my brain since I was a little child.
I have let yet another "him" go - so that we both can move on to greater things. I do wonder if he understands how much I appreciate just his existence in that particular time of my life. I have certainly grown and matured - and for that I am grateful. Just for that - no, there was no hand-holding in the shivering cold winter; and no, there was no hug when I cried, no contact throughout my entire summer when I was traveling, battling against my stagnant self - no nothing; but just for the opportunity he gave me to learn so much more about myself, I would like him to know his was the name I loved,
but now I let go.
이룰 수 없는 사랑도 사랑이니까 Because an unachievable love is still love
And another summer is almost gone. . .
