Saturday, March 15, 2014

The saddest part

That part when I took a deep breath and held it in my chest, muttering the deafening silence

That part when I made just another excuse for your hurtful comment and your heartless decision 

That part when I try to reason, try to see the absolute best in you, try to see things from your perspective 

That part when I bend my heart and make myself believe we aren't worth it, I am not worth it - the effort to hold on to

- I explain to others enough I almost start to believe in what I have been lying to myself
(so it hurts less, so its cut isn't too deep, so my weak smile can fool some naive eyes)

That was the most painful part of holding on to you. 

The game you never win

There are games you will never win, can never win - the game of break up.
If you cry your eyes out, if you hold on - you are clingy and annoying, you have no pride, you shameless being! That person already left you for good. That person already let go of all that you two build together for so long.
If you let go too coolly, you emotionless sonofabitch, you ruthless ice queen, you cold stone statue... that person means nothing to you? Doesn't matter if behind the closed door every fiber of your being shattered and you crumble onto the ground like Rome's very own ancient ruins.

So you stand there, frozen, like an idiot. Confused and cared to even breath because the very next action may hurt the one you (still) love to no end

but you don't know, your very own silence and that split moment in time when your confusion took over, your consideration can be misinterpreted anyway. You hurt him anyway. This fucked up game you can never win.

When there is no more love, there is no more comfort that could ever make up the empty space in your heart. Embrace the pain. It's gotta happen. It's gotta cut anyway.

that one day

that one day when I move on
that one day when I finally fall in love with someone else
... please understand that, a part of me will always love you and with my whole heart, I wish you, my dear, all the very very best. And please understand that, it's never because he is better than you in any way - shapes or forms. It's just because at this moment in my life, he's the most compatible to me and yes, I of today love him very very much in a very different way.

At that point of my life when we fell for one another, you were the very best, the most suitable, adorable, amazing and loveliest for me... And I did give my all to you. But as the saying goes, "sometimes when people grow, they grow apart" We made a decision to grow up by growing apart. It's one decision we both will have to live with, for the rest of our life.

My silly silly man-to-be, you are so so special to me. My first kiss, My first sneak-out, My first touch, My sweet despair, you are my first break up.

that one day when it happens... smile for me, because there shouldn't be any tears left - for I had cried them all, the day I tore my heart open and let you go.