Friday, June 26, 2009

erase

For Sarah

this is the last time I am THIS childish to solve an problem online. I don't talk to someone who is still alive by writing about the person on my blog. I could have just called to speak it out. However, I am terrified to hear your voice once more.

Most likely, you won’t. ‘cuz yeah, if you cared that much, you would not have done all THAT without realizing it.

But if you ever turn around, and try to find me, there is one thing I am sure.
You will no longer be able to see me, with my teary eyes, awaiting your final realization how much your lies hurt me.

Because this time, I will be the one, who will take THE turn to have my back against you and I will be the one, who will take THE first step, away from we once stood.

So now it is like this. I accept my fate and I am not fighting it any more. It is so tiring, to fight against a planned suicide, an inborn obnoxious nature, your 180 degree change all the time. After a great battle, wounded and exhausted, I could not bring myself to care for you just the same… Till my last breath, the only thing I can remember is my misery, which was constructed by you, who refused to make my life less difficult.

So here we go, no happy ending needed, no need for a reconstruction of a fated unfortunate event. Off you go. Away and away, gently and quietly I let you slip from my embrace… Just like that… easy breezy… So just like that, I let you go… So even if we never have a chance to see each other again, it is more beautiful this way. We can remember how we were once to one another, the good old days… not the long drawn, depressing fight both of us put up.

I am not angry about the current status of our relationship. I am not pleased. I am not upset. More or less I am indifferent. Just like that, accepting, thinking hurts my chances, and I intend to last. If being with you stand in my way, I am afraid… Just like that, I will walk over it, without a tear.

Finally I understand the feeling of someone who walks away.
I walk off, today, not to hurt you, not to make you cry or make your life miserable.
But more to make me not to be hurt by you, not to cry because of you, not to be in any mess created by you.
I cannot control what you feel and how you actually react
Too much drama! I am sick of it. sick to the core
I cannot also control what you would do to me.
Again and again.

However, I cannot let my life be messed up again and again by a decision you insisted. Cannot let my happiness and stability be at the mercy of your self-destruction nature.

So please, let me walk off not hearing you cry or feel sorry about us. I am pleased it ends. And if our paths ever cross, I mean it sincerely, please do not acknowledge our acquaintance.

For I pressed erase today.
I mean it when I actually blocked you from my MSN (just as you challenged me, you NEVER thought I would do that, huh? I did. Not today but years back when I found out you were and are and will never be trustworthy.)
I mean it when I deleted your phone number, contact and everything that possesses traces of you as my friend. I ignore your invitation as friend on my facebook, if you haven't been aware of that.
I mean it when I told you, over the phone, please don't call me again. I really do mean it. So if you are in love, be happy for yourself. If you get great score, celebrate it yourself. For now, I declare my eternal (oh, I can't use this word cuz I am not gonna live forever like you) so from now till my last breath: I am indifferent to you or anything related.

I can't thank you enough for the list of things you said you overcame to make sure his letter reached me. It was not easy for me to get it, of course. From emotional, the long drawn struggle to beg, beg and beg you to give me the letter that belongs to me made me emotionless. I appreciate your good intention, if there truly is. Maybe I am ignorance of the pain you actually went through to cover up for him, to protect me. Well, we misunderstand each other from the start. I wanted the truth. You could not be true. We wanted different things therefore we should not walk the same path.

I believe, you will treat this as an insult. The first time I talked to you in sec3, I insulted you. So this, the last time I directly talk about you, if you see this as an insult, I will not defend myself. I hope you will loath me enough after reading this to give me your final blessing: the life, from this moment onward without your presence, not even traces of your existence again.

you really know how to make people wish they had not known you.