Brushing teeth in the center of the world

Diving down to the rock bottom of my heart... days and months has passed yet I feel almost unconscious about the idea of time. It has become hard to figure out what's the date today, when all I have been doing is sleeping and reading and writing fiction. Sometime, you will see a turquoise Vespa rushing across the streets, with a long hair girl who now always wears sneaker or flats - with a pair of heels in the treasure box of the Vespa, waiting to be taken out and repalced- that would be me. I read like a starving kid eating for the first time after a horrid 1 week. Books that I bought but never had a chance to chew now pile up in the "already read" section. From South Korean writer to Canadian, Tablo, Audrey Niffenegger, Atwood, ... I read lyrics, strange jazz sent by Darryl. - still trying to memorize those hardcore Japanese music... Of course you will always want to sing your obsessed song beyond the chorus Tokiwo Tomete, don't you? Well I do.

I play with the water mark on my desk, writing out a name I loved, an issue that disturbed me to the core... or just a strange strange figure that hides the true meaning of my turbulence. It has been almost a month, or maybe more since I left Chiang mai. The emotion is raw, the trip was fabulous, the girl I love the foreign family who makes me feel as if I were just born there a year before Ruam, and had been living there a great part of my life.

But then again, as I promised I will talk about brushing teeth. I never quite get straight to the topic I always intended, don't I? What with Chiang Mai and Ruam? What's with what I have been up to? There is always a link. Life's like that, though vague, there is still a connection. Having said much, I should really fulfill my promise right now. It's laughable - but I enjoy this comaprision. Brushing your teeh in the center of the world.

*****

I watched More Than Blue with Chi Bi snooring evenly on the other side of the bed, somewhere in a hotel in Chiangmai. Depressing movie - which amazingly did not get me even close to tear up (outside or inside). In that mess of the desperate attempts to jerk tears out of auidience's eyes... there was a beautiful spark of wit. Cut the story short. Mr. A loves Miss. B desperately BUT he was dying -.-" typical Korean movie AND so he wants to marry her off to the next Mr. Perfect man. A thought B know nothing about his sickness and quiet suffering - well she does. SO, once asked what A's most desired wish is, he tells B nonchalantly: to see you married to a wonderful husband. Well, as room mate, lovers - brother-sister-ish for decades, of course B wants to fulfill her man's last wish. SO, she goes on and declare her love for Mr. P - i.e. the perfect man (I am telling you, I know you know, we know I have not that much interest in this plot -.-"" not at all, but it linked to the story I want to share, so I must tell - bear with me then). Unfortunately Mr. P was already engaged to Miss. Photographer - who of course canNOT care less about the marriage, being an artist herself. So A, under tha assumption that B loves P so so much. He goes on and begs Miss Photographer to give up the engagement -.-"

She will, under the ONE condition... Since his days are counted - i.e. he knows how many day left till he dies, he must let her take picture of him - an artist she is... such model with devastating story and background cannot be missed. SO SO SO... here was the line

She was poiting her camera into his face, shooting non-stop. He was annoyed to the core, trying to brush aside such intrusion to his private moment
She: What's love?
He:  ... - does not bother to answer
She:... - shoot even more pictures in his face -  What's love?
He: Love is like brushing teeth.
She: Huh? But, don't we brush teeth alone? (what she meant was that, brushing teeth is a purely individual act while love is mutal)
He: Yes! Precisely, you don't brush your teeth for the world to see, just like love, it's a private affair. When you love, you know it within yourself, isn't that enough?

The conversation, soacked in bitternes and boldness, struck me with a thought. Love - feelings - all that intimate beauty had been publically displayed. We see people kissing in the streets - Yes... minding my own business - We see blog entries with elaborated details upon WHAT we love, HOW we love... all that things - and I wonder...

How often have I? have we brushed teeth in the middle of the street?

When love is a private matter... love, hate, lover at his age - we can love each other like NO others today, sworn death and eternity tomorrow and within split second - like Margaret Atwood said, it all turns past tense. What was sweet turns sour. What was seemingly everlasting turns stupidity. So we swear and we scream and we shout and we make a big mess out of all. Brush your teeth in the center of the world. Such a vanity fair...

I was not an exception myself, having my heart displayed i.e. brushing my teeth in the middle of Orchard road, I guess, in pj and uncombed hair - I assume. Now that it all knocks sense into me. What belongs to the heart, stays within the protection of the heart.

... and for all that I care, all you lovers, please continue your act of public display of affection... public more those photos of kissing and touching and whatever-ing, I wish you well, wish to see these move soon in your onderful wedding picture... not torn and casted unwanted soacked with sour remark against one another... We all have loved each other once in your lives, don't we? Let love not be the pain.


I will brush my teeth at home, and walk out of the door, from this day one, greet the world with beautiful white teeth and refreshing breath. . . And this is just the life I want

Up-dating

4 years of rushing, battling, burning my skin under scoring sunshine, rambling nonsense, crying monologue...
4 years of walking the fine line between "standing out" and "fitting in", breaking a few fingers, having some faces off horizontal to the also-very fine ground

4 years with a few plus, a dozen of "extra plus"

Sit back and reflect

I have learned much, haven't I? the hard way out, as usual. Isn't it too typical of me to jump into the trap (with perfect knowledge of the existence of the bloody mtfk trap) just the test to sharpness of the claws against my animal instinct? 20 going on 21, within a blink of an eye. I am told I am still young. Yet to think youth comes along with the right to be reckless, irresponsible is a disaster, I beg to differ.

And a new path I walk, This time, to go back to where I come from, the the girl I was.

1. Past desire
I came back to Number 29, Nguyen Du Street, trembled. Shiver cold sweat in the middle of winter. My fingers danced along the hand rail to her room. her working place - my soul's hiding palace. When I was 7, I was taught poetry, literature by one of Vietnam's modern Ho Xuan Huong. Ms. Ho The Tan, whom I called grandma translated "To whom the bell tolls" "Animal farm" and her writing has shaped me who I am, how I write, how I approach literature today. Now that I study Lit, now that I master the art of PC poems, read between the lines  - do I still have the heart of a writer (not the cruelty of the critic) the courage of the poet (not the bluntness of the coward editor to move up a higher level of creating Literature?


do i?


I trailed back past memories, how we sat together - me 7 ot 9, her almost 60  - adoring the sound of a word, seek the perfect twist for a plot, you know the things we do... There I grew up and there I walked away to loose myself. Talking to her now, Me, at my 20s her at her 80s, reminds me of how I once appreciated nature in lit, how I enjoyed descriptive writing. (now I loathed it, btw)

I am going back
We are having a new project... which will change the lives of both of us - we know it.

Since he passed away, she lost touch with Lit. Mr. Vinh, Vietnam's famous lawyer, her lover for life, her husband. They used to translate novels together, ponder the whole evening, giggling, laughing debating on the choice of words. Now that there is only her in the room, filled with past desire, past laughter, past epiphany, she quit. Who would want to rub acid into your raw open wound?
"Why did you quit, Linh? And why do you start, now?"

To find a partner in life, whom you can share little bit of private happiness, silly joy and hidden laughter. To be with that someone whom you admire, adore and love... I sinked in her chair, dream-ish at her suggestion.
"Why don't you and I coauthor the next translation of a book?" And I smiled, like a child. Here I go, baby steps, crawling back to the heart of Literature, learn from her, accompany my grandmother's friend, my first literature teacher. . .

We will start early March, after I finish 2 other films. I have not been given the book yet but we are doing two versions, the original English and the French. I am all excited...

And with my own fiction on the way... I am sitting on my bed, most of the day, with Fatty in my lap, sleeping like a baby - with his head on my ankle... snoring evenly

This is the life I love... Lonely Vespa ride, tiny bits of happiness, cut off cellphone which never has enough battery. I don't really need connection to the world just yet, when I cannot even find the connection to my own heart.

*****

To all my readers - i know there aren't a lot, or any, I am still very much alive. Just like DBSK boys, low profile for the while, breathing and finding inspiration, finding who we truly are... We will be back, but will you be still here waiting for us? - I read this question a while ago, but it still struck me with the beauty of "faith". Await, for the break out. DBSK will be back. So shall I.

Next post will be about Brushing Teeth -.-" and I promise I will make it worth your precious time.


P/S Bloody hell Star Movie is showing Twilight, and YES, bloody hell I am at the edge of switching channel. I don't get it - the chessy-ness, cliche 0.- . but nevertheless, reading translation is a good practice. I cannot wait to sharpen my skills ^^

from Changmin to Changmin

T/N: NeverEnd is Changmin's fanclub.

NeverEnd: This was revealed on 7 February during Changmin's birthday party; a letter written by Changmin to himself. Many thanks to Sarah who wrote it down to share with us and showed us Changmin's gradual growth. Below is the complete letter.

* * * * *

To Shim Changmin:

You always wish to have a modest appearance. Although it can be said to be a postive aspect of you, but on the other hand, there are times when you show a complete opposite side, so there are often times when you worry about yourself... but recently, I've started to have the mindset of appreciating myself and to be proud of myself, so it can be considered a really lucky thing.

Although in the past, it was exactly as what everyone said: I used to live while looking inward and constantly stressing out, making it harder for myself... but in future, I want to have more faith in myself and live my life like that... Didn't I have the misguided thinking that I was born without a choice on who my parents would be? So, work harder!

Even though I said before: The old me faced many different choices, but the present and future me, will still have many choices that I have to face. In future, no matter what I encounter, no matter who I have to stand before, I want to do the right thing and make the correct choice like I have done so far. Also, as long as I can become a person who stands firm with the right choices I make, that would be good. Of course, I might feel tired because of these choices and I might encounter many difficult things... but if that is the price I have to pay in making the right choice, even if I have to accept punishment, I will break through all these difficulties and ultimately receive wisdom and knowledge.

I think this attitude I have towards life is something I learned from my parents. Although I still have to learn to face up to reality, but no matter how difficult it is, if I cannot make a right choice then I'll have to shake off those options decisively, and from that, become a wiser, more knowledgeable and confident me. In future, won't there be choices that will make me become like that? Haven't I become an artist now? To be an artist as an occupation... Although I've been an artist for a few years, even though there are still many things that I don't fully understand, but I still show my candid side when I appear in front of everyone. There's also a side of me that even I don't know about; aren't there times where I also have to show a side of myself that is not me?

To be honest, this is not something that I dreamed about when I was a child... Who I am now... I often have this thought... "If I'm not doing what I'm doing now, what else can I do? Would I have become a son that constantly causes his parents to worry?" The things that I am doing now may not make people feel exceptionally proud or seem fulfilling. However, don't I still pass each day happily, looking forward to a better tomorrow?

It allowed me to see a beautiful world that I didn't know about and awakened the person that I am now... Teacher Lee Soo Man... SM Family still holds the same gratitude in our hearts, so never change^^ If you are still the person that you are now, the heartfelt gratitude we have towards you will never change...

Now I'm also in my twenties... Compared to others who are of the same age, I had to start working a little earlier and I didn't get to experience the things that they went through... But isn't there a saying, "you gain something when you lose something", this phrase is not said without reason. I always do my utmost best to fulfil my responsibilities to try and carve an even better future for myself. I want to expand further, so let me continue to better myself.

When I think of that I will do everything passionately... even though there are many people in the world who look at me enviously... Instead of always trying to hide from these prying eyes, I think I should do things that are honest to what I really feel and to have a youth which is filled with passionate love when I date someone! Even though it's not an easy task and there might be failures... but I can experience the feelings and passion that belong to my age... I don't want to miss a thing. I think this is a way to make me work harder to become even more passionate... Even if I fail, I still think this way... Career and love... Like what I said before, I don't want to miss out on anything anymore... But, if I make a mistake when it comes to relationships, it will become even more dangerous...

In order to have better judgement, I will make decisive choices with a judgement that is as sharp as a blade. I will become a youth that is even more passionate and hardworking than others... I'll work hard to be even more passionate and rational...

Let's always work hard...

From Shim Changmin
January 2010


Source: [baidutvxq]
Translation credits: mandasoh@tohosomnia.net
Shared by: tohosomnia.net
Do not remove/add on any credits

* * * * *

When Fans say: "Marry me!" Yunho will reply: "Yes, for sure, come to me". JaeJoong and Yuchun would somewhat give the similar answer but Changmin, Changmin would not.


"No. I don't even know who you are"


And that's is the reason why I have so much respect for Changmin.


While other artists try their best to please fan, Changmin tries as hard to be true to himself despite the hardship in the entertainment industry. It was a tough trade - but he made his choice. Changmin may have the least number of fans among members of DBSK but certainly for those who loves him, they love the true Changmin - not the doll crafted by SM. 


Changmin rarely sees the need to explain himself - why he does things the way he does. However, Changmin is one artist I respect very much. What he thinks of his life, how he lives it, and what he did miss now he no longer want to sacrifice his all for the sake of an idol image... I believe in him, no matter what they say.

for a child who is brought up well, who is rational and thoughtful - would not do anything despicable, against his morality. Bash him, all that you can, but I am too sorry for you - because I believe you are just afraid of the possibility, that he is doing the right thing, making the right choice - which he refuses to explain or apologize - which you refuse to see it in a different light.

Truly wish him another year of success, another year of experiences - all of which he deserves, and deserves more than anyone else

The difference_01

Someone told me: "I miss you, Rachel"

And I looked back and smiled a sweet, tiring, understanding, pitying one

"no, dear, you don't miss me, you just simply start thinking of me a few second ago"

and... so many people do not see the difference... between missing and thinking of.

When you miss someone, it's a permanent ache, a pain that eating you up - every minute, every hour of your conscious existence, you long for the presence of that particular person/object/feeling

but when you think of someone, it's just for a sec, a moment, a quiet period - and they all, fast or slow, fade away, like clouds on the sky. You function well, without that person/object/feeling. It's a plus to your life, not a must.

so make up your mind... wouldn't it be nice to say things, as you mean it, not just for the sake of saying it, as if you mean it. 

I knew the difference now, I knew it now, because back then when grandma was alive, I thought of her every now and then but now that she is eternally gone...

I miss her every single second, every single minute, every single passing hour...

...and somewhat this is killing me inside

[One shot] Wrong Number - HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUNHO

Wrong Number

“You’ve got the wrong number” – that was Yunho’s first lesson at SM. It was applied to all – all means all age groups: young or old, not too young and not too old; all genders: male or female, even anything in between; all including even his parents – during busy days, his best non-member friends – during concerts. “You make contact with necessary people, at necessary time” – like a broken tape, this warning had been repeated again and again ever since the first moment he signed the contract, sealed his fate. . . For a particularly obvious reason, it became his allergy. Yunho could feel his stomach well up, churning acid fluid all the way from his tummy through his throat. Sometime he could hold the urge to vomit, spit it out this whole hypocrite craps about stardom – that “sometime” only made sense when there was JaeJoong and his understanding eyes, Changmin and his light rebellious smirk, Junsu and his innocent face, Yuchun and his dry laugh somewhere behind his back. However it was not now because all of them weren’t here. Yunho threw up pure acid, on the grand party of his birthday, in SM.

“You’ve got the wrong number” – that was what Yunho was taught/ trained/ made/ forced to say. Maybe after 6 years of knowing too well what SM could do to harm people he loved, Yunho formed a bad/ basic/ immediate reaction whenever his phone received a “wrong” number. Wrong in the eyes of WHAT? WHO? And WHY?  - he no longer cared. End of the day, as long as Junsu could reach out for his dream and performed the musical without any restriction, Changmin could give his all in the next coming drama – without being sued, JaeJoong could have sometime to break away, soul searching for inspiration without the chain around his neck, Yuchun could spend more time with his dogs and family without constant nags … He was very very willing to reject a call from 3 numbers he memorized by heart. “Who’s that, Yunho?” His manger would ask with scrutinizing eyes and he would shrug his shoulders – like an actor, and shake his head – like a pro saying politely, short and sweet: “Wrong numbers, huyng”. Wrong numbers? Wrong his ass! Each of these numbers that connected together to create the three combination of link between his and the other partners’ line was music to his ears. Since he could not dial – he could not prank call, just to hear their voice – he could not do anything with them without harming the owners, he whispered them like his own melody. His secret code, his assurance, his tiny bit of faith left hanging; that as long as the other end of the line would catch his S.O.S connection any time any day when all these craps are over… He would be very very willing to suffer, in silence.

9 p.m. and the bloody SM party for the ASIAN best boy band’s leader was not over yet. There were, of course flowers, cakes and beauty – guys and girls, talents from every field of the entertainment industry. He simply felt those happy birthday songs – though sung by professional singers, those greetings – from sunbae and dongseng were pure cacophony. They held no weight because they did not come from the heart. His mind trailed back to the depressing days – now he would call them the golden days of his youth: somewhere in the past, somewhere in an unknown apartment in Japan, in a cheap corner near dance studio, he was celebrating his birthday with Junsu and JaeJoong, then came Changmin and Yuchun. They did not have shit, not three level birthday cake – since when SM cared? – not even enough food for dinner – JaeJoong’s signature ramen defined delicious. He would trade all these craps – even that something expensive from that tiny little box branded Lee Soo Man’s special attention. For. Just. The. Presence. Of. His. Members.

That’s all.

At 11.30 when all hope almost shattered. He came back to the dorm in perfect loneliness. Changmin and his silence protect and the fact that he was losing weight as fast as Yuchun losing hairs on his forehead were depressing him to the core.

-                   - Yunho, happy birthday. – that was the very first time Changmin opened his mouth since the past… months out of his will.

They stood together in almost pitch dark, eyes on eyes, and Yunho suddenly found the strength to walk over and give Changmin a bear hug.

--                       - Thanks, bro. Are you sure you are doing fine?

-              - Not really, but I am sending a clear message to them-whom-I-would-not-bother-to-name. – Changmin smiled weakly – Huyng, you keep flipping your phone, checking it every moment today. What’s up?

-                          -  … nothing much – Yunho smiled back – I was just waiting for a miracle.

-                           -  I believe it will come, Yunnie. You deserve every bit of it.

And just like that, the 1.86m tall – going 1.90 something model’s eyes sparked like the shining Cassiopeia, before he retreated to his own room. Between the five of them and especially Changmina and Yunho, there were always gaps between words… silence understanding… non written principles of undeniable love. Just with that tiny spark in his brother’s eyes, Yunho knew one thing for sure, Changmin knew exactly what Yunho was. for.

That’s just enough.

11.59.40 pm, his phone rang its heart out a familiar tune… “Wasurenaide” And Yunho – from the bathroom, with lighting speed sprint out to the living room, naked to catch the birthday message from the very very, yes, very very very “wrong number”

“.:*Happy birthday, my lovely Yunnie ^^*:.! May happiness J, love <3 and success*** find you – wherever SM is hiding you from us. May this horrendous period of separation not break us apart but reminds us how precious our togetherness is. May all bashes and despicable lies not creep their filthy hands into our hearts but strengthen us and our trust in one another. May all those take-away food make you treasure my beautiful signature taste – cheapskate ramen ^o^ - don’t you dare skip meals, ok? With all my love <3 and theirs :x ”

Without looking at the number, simple counting those idiotic/ absurdly cute emocon, Yunho mouthed the name of the sender with all tenderness and longing. This number was not registered in his contact list – so indeed it was clearly a very very wrong number.  However as Yunho stood naked in the living room smiling like an idiot, while Changmin stared blankly at you-know-what before screaming his unique “mirotic” scream, Yunho and of course Changmin knew one thing for sure…

It wasn’t a wrong number. It was, indeed, a very very right combination of 9 characters. And to hell with all SM’s craps, Yunho finally smiled wholeheartedly on his very very 25^th birthday.

Hope till the end.

the idea of it - 1.Vespisti

Life is beautiful. She is certainly my type of heroine. I love the very fact that every time I walk out of my door and embrace Her. I find something bitter, something sweet, something heartbreaking something heartwarming. All in one - the ideal of it - brings me to the nightmare of youth, of people forcing themselves to "like", to "love", to "pretend" to live in the illusion of what is supposed to be the truth... Life would be exhausting if you don't dare to be yourself.

Here the story goes. My bitter epiphany, my sweet love. Small bits and pieces that bring me together to the realization of the "idea of it" 

Hey kids, do you really know what you desire for? Do you know what it truly mean by loving someone - someone abnormal, someone wickedly cool, someone politically incorrect? If you don't. stick with who u are, and trust me, you are fine, very fine with that

1. Story 1: Love me love my Vespa- not the idea of me having a Vespa. 

"I love Vespa, Wow, you are so cool" - these are the lines I have heard since 15. No cliche. When all the "chick" magazine, teenage newspapers started writing cheesy immature love stories about Vespisti (people who ride Vespa), back then in 2000 there was a Vespa wave among the youth. I read all those craps written by people who never bothered to land their precious arrogant butts on a Vespa, not to mention live with it, love it (even in sickness or in pain). My generation grew up with the thought that Vespisti were cool bunch of wicked freak. Maybe we are, maybe we aren't. 

I see where they came from. It's one gorgeous chick, even a head-turner. Guys.girls, the elderly looked at us - even when they are on an SH bike, approximately 10 times to 20 times worth my Vespa. But hey, we are talking about value not price here. So as far as I am concerned, people think they love Vespa.

But guess WHAT? They don't. They love the idea of Vespa. 

You love it when it behaves, when nothing goes wrong, when guys whistle behind your back and people pointing at you with admiration - of u or your Vespa I am not too sure. But here is the thing, working well, not going wrong, looking fabulous... is only one part of having a Vespa. One tiny part to be exact. I had my 1st when I was 15, dying in the middle of a traffic jam, bursting smokes and making funny noises took a good 70% part of the whole package. Having pushed May - name of my 1st Vespa home - 5km plus plus at 3pm in June was not funny. Having Vespa means: no more heels, no dress i.e. flats and jeans - full time alert to avoid traffic jams. 

My story could be long. Yet in short, recently I was hit on - now that I know, my Vespa was hit on, not me. He - the arrogant and pretentious male complimented on my turquoise Iviee - my second Vespa: "I would love to have one" I was really flattered. Iviee who never broke down before, who had been nothing BUT a wonderfully well-mannered girl decided to open up my eyes. She burst and stopped in the middle of the road. How humiliated he was - on the contrary I was indeed calm. May taught  me well. When I was dealing with the situation, he gave some "encouraging" comment: "Next time you want to go out, let me know, i will come and pick you up, there is no need to show off" 

There he goes, and there - they will continue, as far as I am concerned, people look at Vespisti as cool chicks and dudes when nothing goes wrong but the very moment when their Vespa stop working properly, they will smirk and call us name. First they pity themselves now they pity us. I could not help but laugh to tell him off. I don't need a free ride. In my most pathetic state, not having enough money to pay for a bus ride, with my two very healthy feet, I will walk my way to my destination. Bikes broke down, everyone of them would one day tells you that they are tired. I wonder why people hold this prejudice against Vespa.

So I told him off and went to fix it. The trick was simple and it did not cost me more than 3 bucks before I was on my way alone again. 

The trade is simple. Once you love it, it's an addiction, little bit of happiness only you know. If it was fashion, well, it does not worth it. cuz there is no fashion made your leg bruise and your arm aches for weeks.Yet when it's love, whatever people say, it's your crazy love.

the idea of it, trust me, it does not worth it, all that trouble and physical pain. If you call it trouble taking care of your sick lover, then why hanging on?