Sunday, November 25, 2012

the Death of November


The Death of November
for you, who came with the rainbow 
thank you for a  year of learning together, and eventually growing apart. 


I am leaving. But no, I am not abandoning you. I am just not holding on to you anymore.

Why? Because it is emotionally exhausting; I am drained and dried up to the point where I find no strength to wait for something t
o happen anymore. And because I am also human, I can only go on - unappreciated, un-cared for, unrecognized for so long.

I was told love was supposed to be unconditional - well, not really! November is dying and I have come to the point where I am pretty certain you had already mastered the next level of forgetting my existence. It's not like it's a deliberate decision - I am not offended. Because it's you, because it's me, because it's my curse to accept and appreciate you the oblivious way that you are :) I am letting go. like returning a balloon to the sky, the dandelion to the wind.

At the end of this string, I feel weightless like I don't even know what I am holding on for anymore. Don't worry. I am not sad about the disappearance of "us" - I am just sad that I have become indifferent, up to the point I don't bother to pull the red string that once connected us, to confirm the other loose end.

If anything, please remember that I did all that I could - up to the point I could not anymore. The path we shared - I will always remember every step, every stone, every wild rose with thorn on the side walk. If anything, remember I once adored you, perhaps still, perhaps just not as much anymore.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

leave

The bus will come tomorrow and I guess it's time you leave. I don't know if I will get that goodbye hug at all - but knowing me, I am never picky when it comes to farewells so... I guess I will just assume that you couldn't find me.

Or, I will make up another lame excuse to compensate for the lack of love, care and the fact that I mean almost nothing, just the girl you really really like but that's not quite love. 

The bus will come tomorrow and you will be home with the people you love. I will be here in the empty building and wonder where all these will go. Too late to erase all the tight hugs and late night walk - because I had already been inked with your carefree spirit. As if it was tangible, as if it even makes any sense at all... 

So leave! I remember once, I asked you to get out of my room, shut my door first before you knock on hers - and you went ahead, carelessly without the second thought that once that door is shut - that's the end of us forever. 

I meant forever, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, to just leave though it should have been the right decision.

That night...

Neither you nor I managed to cry - there were tears in your eyes when you refused my hug because if you allowed me to, it only meant the end, that I was dropping you and once again, I would run away. And you still wanted a chance for us... to grow. 


Leave, I will be here making up excuses and reasons for why there would be no text messages, no contact - no trace of my existence in your life

And though you told me: "even when I am sitting next to my grandma, I will still be thinking of you..." Cruelly I feel glad...

That I exist in your mind after all...

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The last

That hug, was the last of its kind.

- Walk with me, will you?

She smiled and he complied. "I will do anything you tell me to..." Was that a month ago when he said that to her? She remembered vividly the moment he whispered those exact words. She remembered how he begged and begged her to walk out of her room so that he can hug her and make it all better. She was so hurt that she hid inside her only safe haven - unwilling to compromise. "I will do anything you tell me to... Please come out" How easy? Today she just asked for a walk, a talk. He complied.

But she stopped in the middle of the road. She looked up to the tree on the side and wondered: "Is this tree beautiful enough? I will always remember this moment. I will" He was utterly confused by her action. She asked for a hug, which he unknowingly was too willing to give:

- No, not like that. Hug me like you mean it.

She said quietly, looking deep into his beautiful blue eyes. He was taken back by the strange request. And when they embraced, she wrapped her arms around him, truly hugged him for the first time - not tiptoeing around it. She inhaled his scent - and she heard the first crack in her heart... "Hang in there, love. This, too, will soon be over"

When she finally had the courage to let go, she whispered to him:

- This hug, will be the last of its kind.

Before he realized it, the gap between then had already widened. The color of the sky had already turned grey in her eyes. She stood on the other side of the world, lifeless, with her hair messed by the wind. The storm was coming. He saw the decision. He begged but it's far too late.

- Please don't say it. Don't change anything now. Please stay...

His words fell onto the ground and shattered, piece by piece. He was wrong - he could never read her. He couldn't see this coming. He couldn't prevent it.

- Please
- Sometimes, the heart cannot afford to be... just friends. I am sorry

They stood there, awkwardly. And when he walked away, refusing to believe it was over - all over. She felt this sense of odd calmness rushing over her. "There you go, you said it! Now let go..." She took a deep breath and watched strangers passing by - they knew nothing about what just happened a moment ago. They knew nothing about her fallen sky, the broken dreams, the withered blossom. No more late bus ride. No more sleeping on his shoulders. No more Chaka and little adventures. And she knows, soon enough that excruciating pain is going to hit her hard, shatter her to pieces; soon enough she will break down.

"That hug was the last of its kind... I wish it was longer. I wish it lasted forever. I am sorry it hurts too much, I can't do this anymore. I am sorry I love you... I am sorry I loved you."

Sunday, November 18, 2012

My first

You are the first to my many things
My first bus-ride in America, something I love but never got to do
My rollerskating lesson, something I am fascinated by, but never got to learn

The first shoulder I slept on, barely asleep but tremendously nervous
...
What Future beholds for us? I don't know.
Right now, I am on a bus - and you are with me
All that I care.


Friday, November 2, 2012

This time...

This time, I will not think of 5, of 10, of 20 years ahead and wake up in cold sweats fearing for the future that has yet to come.

This time I will not try to make you promise, or tie your wings down with a crimson string.

This time, I will not try to analyze, or read between the lines, or complicate anything above and beyond what it is

---

This time, I just want to be with you - this moment, the presence an enjoy the gift of life given to me, without the fear of tomorrow, or the future.

This time, I just want to walk aimlessly - wander! dance in the rain! chase the wind ... and laugh wholeheartedly with you.

This time, I would like to be fair to my heart and for once, follow its call.

Thank you for being here.
With me.
Now.