a mere 10% difference makes my life complicated. Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. Even he himself was unsure whether I was an Extrovert or an Introvert. Maybe I am not who I used to be anymore. From an I to an E, from an N to an S... Maybe I am changing 'cuz I have experienced too much for the past 2 years...
Maybe, I change for the better, maybe for the worse. I believe if he could see me now, he would have rejected the whole idea of having fallen in love with me. MaybeI was only an INFJ when I was with him...
Frustration
I am confused.
But why must I care so much for nothing changes, even if I know what is my personality type, would I be able to learn my mistake, prevent things from going wrong?
... I could not sleep. I think I might have done something horrible to Ning... I ended up reading her twitter for almost the whole night, while editing a few pictures for Fanie and Cindy. Knowing it hurts. I wonder why the whole idea did not cross my mind before I even got myself into it... I mean, into U-Know and DBSK. Now it is too late to turn back, I enjoy that bits of comfort too much. Their songs and their laughters... Their existence in my life deepens day by day, not just the typical idol-fan girl crap anymore. Like my melody, I can always find a piece of their lyric to pamper my emotion, to express my chaotic mind, to hype up my day. Little do I realize my relationship with them, again reminds me of a song I used to sing alone, with the weary yet hopeful smile, which now vanished.
"On My Own" "And now I'm all alone again Nowhere to turn, no one to go to. Without a home, without a friend without a face to say hello to But now the night is near And I can make-believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night When everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy With the company I'm keeping The city goes to bed And I can live inside my head
On my own Pretending he's beside me All alone I walk with him 'til morning Without him, I feel his arms around me And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me
In the rain The pavement shines like silver All the lights are misty in the river In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to him And although I know that he is blind Still I say there's a way for us
I love him But when the night is over He is gone The river's just a river Without him, the world around me changes The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
I love him But every day I'm lonely All my life I've only been pretending Without me, his world will go on turning The world is full of happiness that I have never known
I love him I love him I love him... But only on my own... "
Ain't we too hopeful? Ain't we pure dreamers? People tell me: DREAM it does not cost you anything to dream, DREAM! - little do they know, holding on to the false dream... waking up one day, realizing my dream has shattered costs me a river of tears, and years of regrets
It takes my mom a good hour of talk, heart to heart like we always do. She asked if I even considered the Japan scholarship. . . I mean, at least Japan - Tohoshinki - it makes more sense than somewhere in New York, doesn't it? She frankly asked me if I was willing to give up my dream of 20 years for a guy - even if he is Yunho... ..............................................
Pure guilt till this moment. But then again, I really hope, Ning will go further than me. Between Japan/Korea and my University of choice, I ended up making a decision today, a clear answer to my mother. Going against my heart, I will be watching over DBSK from afar. . . I may not be able to do much till I actually get my degree and earn my money. Till then, the purchase of an original CD, though small is till an act of support. Till then, the message from an unknown international Cassie though seemingly insignificant is still an act of support from the pure and arden love for them. I wish I could tell them this moment: Wait for me, till I can actually support DBSK in a more significant manner, like a translator perhaps, or an organizer for their performances in Vietnam. Till then, I will work hard - don't I just sound like Yunho? I will keep my promise, no matter where I am
...............................................
Most kids have to grow up. And I did today, in a way, not a pleasant one, but a necessary one. Guess, I am giving up the "fan girl" mode to get back to my feet and be stable. I am not giving up though, Of all the things, no, I am not giving up my desire to support DBSK.
Do you touch? the version of "her" you made up just to find out... she is not real? not tangible, not flesh and blood. pure air, fuming from hatred and jealousy...
She can't conform into the other version of "me" you desire, the ordinary girl who has to blend in the background so you can shine. Guess what? being ordinary (for your sake) is the hardest thing I ever try, being plain and fade into the dark.
"She is a drama queen" I don't deny it. I am dramatic, I am the director of my own tragedy, the leading actress of my narcissistic self written tale, the camera woman, the editor... the whatsoever. But at the very very least, I am in control of my life.
at least when I hug my raw wound to sleep tonight, I can FEEL the pain. when I touch my shattered heart, I know it is flesh
touch me PUSH me (if you dare) don't push HER don't STAB her with your dirty little gossip Because she can't bleed Like I cannot bleed my blood for her. Because she is not me, because air holds no weigh
It's funny, how people are really scared of confronting me. They look away when I look into their eyes and await the direct bash. I am not trying to be rude, staring in that manner. I just want to see, for real, the reflection of me, in your eyes.
Your eyes don't lie to you. The girl I see in the reflection is me. Just that your prejudice and jealousy whisper another tale... I know not, love not, care not.
About the 2 depressing days, that passed by like a painful closure to my stay in this boarding school, I do not know how to retell the story.
So I let things slip, slide pass... like my tears that fell uncontrollably. being taken for granted... ummm that certainly does not sound like me. The glorious moment on stage, the heartbreak backstage pain... all in one. I am left with questions I want not to confront. What is not mine, will never be mine. . .
.................................................
4. I am sorry
I am sorry I have been hurtful, I am sorry I am unable to let people in my heart so easily. "I did not cause your pain, all I ever want is to easy your heartache" He whispered breathlessly into the phone. "love after love"
"look, I am no Jung Yunho but..."
I laughed at his silly remark. Who says, I need him to be Jung Yunho? Who says I desire him to take after my love from the past? Who tells him all these craps must know nuts about me.
It has never been anything about him, it is not about the hair style, the clothes, the smokie smell from the jacket - I love smoke smell by the way/ missing dad too much to bear.it has never been ANYTHING about all the guys and the sms.
It is all about me. that I am not ready to be pressurize into a relationship that I am self-centered, selfish- or at least, trying to be that I just canNOT wait to get out of here...
Tmr, 1st "date" for him and 1st "appointment" to me. "it's not a date, for me, you know that? I just want to make it clear" I said, almost emotionless. "who cares what you think? at the very least, I won't just for this time".Headstrong meets headstrong. Let's just see who will last.
"Why do you always smile when your eyes tell me you don't even mean it?" I remember this particular question he used to ask me...
I don't know, he always had the answers, for everything I wanted to know... He always knew me, even when I could not figure out myself... He ALWAYS knew...
But I can't possibly ask him, right? Whispering his name, just by whispering his name, which could always calm me down, no matter what, like a magic spell this simple action is not even an option. I shall keep my promise, how can I be possibly any more selfish, disturbing his eternal happiness with my misery. So I shall say another lie, which works magically to condition my brain: I do NOT miss the way he talked, I do NOT miss how he calmed me down, I do NOT miss how he made me feel, how being with him allowed me to be... who I really am.
I just want to know... if I am right...
I just want to know if I am right, displaying public confidence while fear runs deep under my vein. Just want the answer to my thousand and one questions, which are cutting me open inside out
.................................................i am tired and going insane.................
.: another DBSK related post :. On a very annoyed side of me: I am having exams. Half the battles already fought, half more to fight, the line of loss and won is not clearly defined - which makes me glad in a sense, 'cuz there are still rooms for improvement, hope prevails. Sometime, I do feel lost and desperate toward my situation, a sense of helplessness. Why must the Math paper be so unbearably difficult? Even B range students (B in IJC for Math is no way easy, speaking the truth) leave 25 mark BLANK. What is the point of giving us paper which only serves to frighten and dishearten the majority? Yet Ning's most recent entry struck me with THE epiphany, along with this particular clip I saw online today... Another DBSK post, and more to come, so if you really don't like reading stuff about them, I wonder why you are still reading my blog... I am not born to please.
.: The very meaning of "work hard" on the invisible side of victory and fame :. How can DBSK be where they are now? Did they just wake up one morning and YES, they are the top idols, top top voices of the East? Did they shed no tear nor sweat and climb up to the very peak of their fame, making legend, living history?
... Fans ponder (if they even care enough to ponder) ... But Cassies know. CASSIES KNOW the very victory that DBSK win (the hearts, minds and souls of all the fans + Cassies), the very position that they have in all the Music chart... are not just talents...but hard work. PURE HARD WORK, which in many painful ways, eats their private life alive.
SM can force them into merciless schedule, slave contract; but without passion and the sincere earnest to improve their skills, the willingness and desire to let audiences see a better side of them... I do not believe they could have reached this far. K-Pop is a merciless industry. Fans come and go, with the slightest mistakes, even from the past of your childish self (I promise I won't go ON and ON and ON about Jaebeom's painful incident anymore) you can be kicked out of the industry. I think it would be ok for those who are singing/dancing/performing for the cash and the branded clothes... But it is excruciatingly painful for people who are working so hard because of their passion.
Must I name DBSK again?
I think not.
I have listened to them singing in 2006, good, but nothing too special. I have seen them dancing in 2006, good, but not that remarkable. I have very low tolerance toward the flippancy of boybands, rooting from the ridiculous pride of a music classic player. I was speechless in 2009. The perfect harmony of "love in the ice" took my breath away. I understand not a single word. Translation is a bonus, not a must in music. Like the first time I heard Tegar, I felt the unbearable pain within. . . Behind those angelic voice, behind all those perfect dance and smiles for Cassies, this is their reality:
Fame, victory, happiness do not come easy... Years and depressing years in Japan, unable to communicate, frustration, loss in translation, that is just the very brief summary of what stood behind all their awards, maybe this is the reason why they are ever thankful, they are ever humble when it comes to accepting those trophy? Money hard earned is always appreciated by the owner, no matter how much. My father's word struck me with the realization of DBSK's working attitude. Because they never depend on their already famous position in Korea to conquer the Japanese Music industry, because they always try new concept, starting with nothing, starting from sketch, this may be the reason why DBSK always think of themselves as rookies... as newcomers, as someone who must must work hard in order to achieve a greater height.
People, shallow-minded people, I have to condemn them with this harsh comment, many people including the V.I.P - Big Bang's fans laughed at DBSK and said: it took DBSK years to perform in Dome while Big Bang merely debut in Japan and they are going to be there within months... People do forget, I know Big Bang does not, for their victory is also because of their VERY hard work too, that without DBSK, who brought awareness to the Korean music industry, it would not be THIS easy for SS501, Big Bang or any new group to be easily recognized by the Japanese audience.
DBSK seriously is the pioneer thus they are the only group whose fame came from sketch... Something I really admire, and grateful, cuz these years of hard work without immediate payback shape their personality and working attitude uptil now.
For from now on, whatever I do, even in failure, I remind myself again: HARD WORK... Of how much I have to go through just to be where I am now. Try harder, work harder...Like Yunho always says: I must show a hardworking side of me. He values hard-work so much, there was a point I thought... he was obsessed. Am I going to give up? I have gone this far? I never thought I could remain in Singapore after the past 4 depressing years
I had the thought of returning home, when I received my Prelim result. For an SCGS scholar, 20 points was a total disgrace. My raw score was 20, after the mercy moderation, I could get into IJC art: 17 points, shattering my dream of joining the AC family. Pressed on, and with HARD WORK, O-level returned with half the score, Have you ever tasted bitter tears of victory? Of those months and days enduring acquaintances' mock? I stayed in IJ, taking 4 H2. Starting from sketch... learning Literature and History ALL OVER again, for the first time... Getting continuous D and below... I am not able to write 6 pages long of small writing essay, able to produce sample essays JUST like this, without these two years of HARD WORK... of writing again and again, of chasing after Mr. Yeo and Miss Lin begging for consultations...
Today, I almost fainted during Lit exam. The heat was killing me. But today, I did not give up. I am proud I did not. I bit my lips till it nearly bleed to stay awake, stay sane. Surely the paper is something I truly enjoy. Being able to sit for the paper, even when I have to wear mask for the last 3 tests, I still feel the bliss. I NEED my exam, and I WANT to do them well. I am not just proving to my form teacher that, though I am physically not fit for A-level, it does not mean my determination cannot make up for my weakness. . .
HARD WORK.
Half of the paper done and tomorrow, another 6 hours of 7 essays, 3 literature and 4 International History... Sometime, in the middle of exam... I feel light, not high. Like I could just fly up like feather... my mind would love to wonder to another world where I could actually enjoy the fruit of my hard work in a more bearable manner... I weigh myself down, most of the time... Gravity... Most of the time, I think of INSA... longing to be able to say the very final INSA this coming December...
I came, not by force... but I will stay and fight till the very end, by choice...
Truly... do you know, this is what I feel all this long?
시간에 지쳐도 사랑에 아파도 그시간 조차 추억이고 마지막 인사를 하네요 사랑합니다 사랑합니다
If I passed out tomorrow, pray not, if I am not able to fully finish my essays tomorrow, I just want to make sure, I do my best, with the very meaning of WORK HARD, something, more than words, DBSK have successfully taught me.
.: ummm, sms from unsaved number :. fair enough, I am glad it is a mistake. I am more than just glad because it shows we mutually do not have any lingering feeling toward one another anymore ^^ . My bad! By now, I hope my phone number has been deleted, so in the future, there will be no such thing as a careless mistake/ misdirected sms or anything similar. Appreciate that. Let's end it here, and now.
... and for the 1st time I realize, I actually belong to a community...
If there is a girl I must love, regardless of her insanity, her imprefections and obnoxiousness, she must be the one staring straight at me now from the mirror. Without sighing as a sign of despair, I often smile, with our withOUT braces. Again, I have to love her and take care of her, not only because it is my responsibility but she is the only one I thought I had by my side now and forever on.
Born the only child, since young, I have never stopped reminding myself of the responsibility I have with my parents. A phone call to let mom know I will be late 10 minutes, a good result from school? Not getting into mindless relationship, messed up or wasted away even when I am thousands of miles away from home, Italy where I could have committed as many sins as I wanted without fearing of being discovered... I just do not do things dutifully, I take pride for my work... I traveled alone, I made friends with almost strangers, following my instinct...
I did not have an idol. Not till recently. I did not want to depend on some strangers for motivation of any sort... I did not want to place this burden on them- though I am sure they don't even know my existence... Still, I had seen fan girls cutting themselves, doing all sorts of stuff just because their idols did something that is NOT up to the fan's expectation... Hello, they are also... HUMAN, who are vulnerable and prone to commit wrong deeds. I did not have a real favorite band till DBSK. A lady at the age of 20, I surely have low tolerance toward crappy music, toward pretty boys who cannot sing. . . DBSK proves me wrong. I am glad I am wrong
I do not have boyfriend. Not now, not any soon. I do not have one because I do not need one for my survival. You know the kind of girls who would buy roses for her birthday since the age of 10? You know the kind of girls who would work hard to get what she wants not depending on some rich boyfriends to provide her with extravagant gifts? I know that kind of girl. In fact, the very woman who gives birth to me fits the exact definition of the independent girl. I am not surprised I am born stubborn to the core, tough and proud, thx to mom who is the perfect role model; thx to dad who never believes a girl should be pampered. In fact, my dad's daughter MUST know how to fix her own bicycle if she wants to ride one, MUST know how to defend herself if she thinks of travelling or living on her own... In that sense, I survive on my own, having traveled across EU and America since 14 and living away from home for the past 4 years...
Having my best friend walking out on me when the guy I loved passed away certainly left a daunting life-lesson: not to depend too much on someone. Having close friends turning their back away when my school report card is somewhat of a shame to my title as a scholars just add on another lesson: there is a distinctive difference between a friend and an aqquaintaince...
Having said that, I just want to say I am proven wrong. And I am glad I am. I am glad I fall for DBSK... I am glad I could rock myself to sleep with my ipod playing "I can't put into words". I am glad I can wake up every morning with "Mirotic" - never fails to make me laugh. There are strange things that have been happening to me... like the fact that I have made friends with cool people I absolutely admire,like Myra, with fun people whose randomness surely makes my day like Iva and Izzie (all the way in Czech Republic) ...
I am glad I met Ning (I really don't know how to link your blog here, stupid me) But if you do want to know this AmAzing girl, here is her blog link: http://orij-gnin.blogspot.com/ I am grateful for all her blog comments/ reply, for all her encouragements at this time of crisis, when news about DBSK is getting rare... The lawsuit may last for 6 months... a horribly long period of time I have to say. I guess there will be more speculations that make our heart beat unevenly... Ning may cry once or twice or even more than that. I am glad at least, in this battle to support Cassies and DBSK, I am not alone, that I have them by my side, watching HTTG purely in Korean, that I have friends now from all over the world... Different faces, different skin colors, different languages yet we are the same in one particular way...
I am glad, I know, now I can embrace a new identity, I can really, truly call myself a member of the Cassiopeia family.
.............................................
Reply to Ning's question
I do idolize U-Know for some reasons which I cannot make it more obvious. I love the U-Know Yunho leader of DBSK, the charismatic guy who never sheds tears in front of strangers, who works hard, walks bare feet in the rain, who was almost killed once, who is hurt tremendously continually with all the bad rumor... Being the top idol, yet he has never once appeared to be cocky. Always humble, always kind, ever caring towards children and members, this is the U-Know Yunho I love and adore. Knowing there is such perfection alive, it is not hard for me to fall in love. Because I know, the person I know may NOT be entirely Jung Yunho. I am only a Cassie, and he is an idol, he must uphold certain concept and image which was set by SM. Ning, you have known JJ for years, it is only recently that we realized he is not the iceberg he looks like (SM even told him not to talk during interview). JJ is the warmest, most talkative and random member of DBSK. It takes years for the artists to reveal their truest self, blame them not, they are strictly controlled by the company.
I believe there is still a different between U-Know and Yunho... They are not one. And not until I get to know Yunho, will I dare say, I love him/ not. For now, let me just rest the case by saying U-Know, the leader of DBSK is someone I really look up to... but it is Yunho the guy with many layers of depth/ who stands in front of the crowd yet falls asleep mumbling to his non-celebrities friends is the one I want to get to know the most.
so No, it is not because of him. I am not having crushes because of my personality - I cannot blame U-Know for his perfect existence. And about love, no, though I would love to find someone who shares the similar code of conduct, values and belief as U-Know but I do not take him as a bench mark of any sorts. Still wish that he himself can find his happiness.
I am waiting till the end of my A-level. I am leaving SGP soon, really do not think it is wise to get myself in a relationship now. I guess it is really difficult for you to love someone because of JJ, right? Tell me about it. I just realize the way we love them are pretty different from one another .....................................................
... Seriously, it is 2 a.m. here and I ams till awake, trying to get my revision done. Seriously I am exhausted with my life as a student, fighting A-level at the same time battling with unkind remarks and ridiculous speculation. AND I HAVE NO FREAKING ENERGY TO START A FIGHT even with people who are messing up my life...
But I have to pour out this thought... Antis, Are you aware?
Are you aware you could have killed a talented, amazingly sweet and responsible boy who grows up to be a real gentleman with kind heart, when you gave Yunho that poisonous drink?
Are you aware you could have killed not HIM but his parents, by hurting/ harming him like that? Whoever you are, you must be a daughter of someone, a sister of someone, a friend of someone... Have you ever put yourself in his family's shoes?
Are you aware, even if you loathe him to the core that there are people, people like me, people like Cassies whose lives became more bearable with the existence of HIM, his music as the motivation the melody of our lives?
Are you aware, even if you cannot stand his imperfections, that he is a HUMAN, who deserves every right to live, every opportunity to achieve his dream as a singer?
Hate him? Then stop stalking him. Hate him? Then stop listening to DBSK. If you hate someone so much, why are you so addicted in that particular person?
Back then when Yunho was in the accident, I did not know DBSK, or cared who the hell they were. My room mate was a Cassies. She cried all night and prayed for him to recover... I was so touched I said my very first prayer for an absolute stranger... I wonder if you, without knowing him would do the same... It is a LIFE, again, I repeat, it is a LIFE we are talking about... Are you aware what you could have done?
But then again, I am glad he was fine... I was shocked he did not sue you and he, silently perfects himself in many ways... composes songs, new dances, learns acting, modelling... So much talent yet so humble and sincere...
Are you aware about your action?
..........................
I don't think you are, for those 5100 plus of you who sign the petition for Jaebeom of 2 P.M. to commit suicide... are you aware?
Are you aware that he is FREAKING young... that he has gone through so much? that he, as stupid and ridiculous, thoughtless, careless as ANY teenage boy at his age did NOT mean what he said. And even if he meant it, he was a mere stranger at the margin of your Korea. He had not tasted the love of Hottest, the real life of a Korean, being brought up all the way from America
Are you aware how tough it is to leave the protection of your parents, the comfort, the love to travel alone to another land... starting from the beginning? Are you aware of the hardship, the frustration, not being able to communicate, the loneliness?
Are you aware? He was young and being young, he made mistake? You are talking as if you have never been at that prime of youthful rebel, as if you have never spoken vulgarities, curses, what-so-ever, passing rude comments WITHOUT really mean it... As if you are so perfect and morally correct you cannot forgive a regretful person?
DO YOU UNDERSTAND what it means? COMMIT SUICIDE?
I am NOT sorry I am THIS emotional. Netziens are thoughtless, many of you are. I find ANTIS the MOST ridiculous and despicable group of people alive. Again, this is only my honest opinion. I do not care if my blog will be bashed for this comment. I am not ashamed of what I say.
I really don't understand...
Are you aware? With that single signature of yours, a promising talent has been murdered?
Just because Jaebeom is a celebrity he is NOT allowed to make mistake? He is not allowed to be forgiven? He is not given a chance to amend his wrong?
I am very sorry for Hottest, the fans of 2PM. I signed the other petition, which supports the come back of Jaebeom. I believe many Hottest have signed petition to support DBSK. I signed it not because I am a fan of 2PM...
For crying out loud I have NEVER EVER listened to any of their songs till this moment. I am signing it as a human, a student, like him has gone through loneliness and hardship, frustration and difficulties just to be where I am now. . . I am signing it because I have been stupid once, twice, many times... I have passed cruel remarks and was forgiven... I have grown up through all the mistakes I made.
Give him a break Give all the celebrities a break for goodness sake
Are you aware? Just like YOU, like ME, like US? --- I really don't want to associate myself with you they are ALSO human, they are also young and stupid, they ALSO make mistakes
Are you ware?
Really, I am not out of my mind. I do not even dream this world will an utopia. I am not asking you to love them, love Yunho or Jeabeom, they have enough fans to spread the love. All I ever ask: please be fair, to them. Acknowledge their hard-work and talent. Acknowledge their rights for privacy and right to be 19, 20 21... just like u.
