Back to school. Everything is great. School work and council work kicked in before I even noticed. Most of the time at school I am sleepy but extremely contented. But I guess, my body has not gotten used to this new pattern yet.
I collapsed, last night, on my bed, not knowing what happened, not knowing what was going on around me. My new roommate told me that I felt into a very "deep" sleep. I gave a a weary smile. I guess, soon, she will get used to it, not knowing it was not only because I was extremely tired. If she cares, she will. if she doesn't, which is much better for her, she will never know the difference of someone who sleeps and someone who faints/collapses. Yes, I collapsed. . . I guess I must be very grateful for the good health I possess now.It was not easy. For the past 2 years I stopped. Now it came back to me like an old unwanted friend. I have to live with it. With collapsing... here and there, now and then. Hope that I won't, again, like last year, on a stranger's bus, alone.
And I know very well, this time he is not coming to help me.
As if he ever did. Just that the feeling that he would if he could, gave me this amazing strength to carry on. Now, I am stronger, not because I am with him, but because, physically and logically, I am withOUT him.
I attended a funeral. Just want to say this to Melvin, my dearest classmate: Be strong. It is not easy losing someone you love much. But be strong, he, who you care for, leaves this world by choice. May he rest in peace.A sad note for the beginning of the year. Especially when the newspaper reports about it. Take care
I wanted to talk to a friend of mine, upon this depressing topic, yet I know very well. She will not entertain me mentioning his name. I kept quite. But the whole idea haunts me. I want to talk to someone, someone who knows the truth. someone who knows, beyond all my perfect lies, which I made up to cover one simple fact: I could not face the truth that he, whom I love with all my heart, left me by choice.
I could not hold him back. I wonder if he knew. I died with him the day he died. Just that, I reborn into a new person, a part of me left with him, a stronger part pull this corpse up and bring life to it.
I miss him, every single day. I whisper his name, sometime scream, just loud enough so I can hear, and feel the echo as the reply. Pathetic, I know, I should not be doing this. The mark of 2nd year is coming, most unexpectedly and I am still shocked when I think about it. But time passes without waiting for anyone
And tomorrow, I will be at school earlier as usual. More council work, more things need to be done. I hope to catch Melvin's smile which is becoming more and more rare nowadays.
night night...
