so I smile
and act alright...
...not the 1st time... nor the last, I am aware
I felt so helpless over what is happening, what is going to happen and what happened to my loved one. I wish I could travel through time... through distance to change things... or even if I can not make a difference, I wish to be there or had been there for them...
My mom was waiting outside the room for her operation this afternoon.
More than hours... on her own. Tired, exhausted, frightened... traumatized by the smell, the sight of the hospital...
And where was I? Singapore, in a nice class room...air condition...
I felt sick... frustrated...I want to know what was happening... where she was
But I can't. Ended up forcing myself to lessons, as usual, acted strong
When Kannan gave me the piece of work... full of words I could not bring myself to read and make sense to all those...letters? He looked at me, sympathized.
My heart was not there.
I dashed out of the classroom to make a call to dad.
Just to know mom was with the German doctor.
I asked myself and felt helpless
... where was I?
when my friend cut herself out of guilt, out of ridiculous crime she did not commit
when my best friend was told she has tumor, 18 years old, all alone in a foreign land
when he decided to leave the world, 19 years old
or just when my BPL needs a listening ear, need a friend, a simple question which show she is loved and cared.
Today when my mother had operation...
Where was I?
Forgive me, I am also all over the places. How I want to be with you but I fail you and I fail myself. I am doing the best I can
so I smile
act alright
when I am traumatized
say "it's gonna be fine"
I don't cry ... I know my mother will soon recover.
Hope she can see me with my new fringe, see me found my inspiration to study and passion for photography again.
I am helpless... I am aware, I am. But if the distance between us can me measured by ruler, if land can connect us to one another. I promise I will never leave your side, maybe not physically but mentally.
I am here
with arms open
I am here
without judgment
I am here
...for u
