Serendipity

Serendipity... till we meet one another

I may have to travel thousands miles... walk cross 107 streets... meet countless of strangers... I may have to cry another ocean of tears... before I finally meet you, my love, the final guy who will wipe away the final tear, have the final dance and say the final vow.

It takes courage to be single, not to be with someone for the sake of having someone... but being with someone because you truly love the person.

it is not as if I enjoy my solitude... I endure loneliness with dignity, holding on to this torch in my heart... till the day your image is no longer blur but clear in my eyes...

Forgive me, if somewhere on this earth, you are suffering... Forgive me, if some moment in time, you need me and I am not there for you. I am in pain if you are. I will make it up for you, by loving you the rest of my life.

Serendipity.

I live each day, thinking... maybe there we may meet, in a perfectly unexpected corner of the road...

Serendipity.

I breath each day, thinking ... maybe one day fate will be on my side, giving me the final and the utmost beautiful gift of my life... you.

Serendipity.

till we meet... till he can finally rest in peace, for you, will take my hand and watch over me.

Life is amazing, isn't it... For this perfect stranger that you walk pass today on the street may be the person you can't live without. I keep thinking how beautiful life is and smile.

I saw this painting one day while searching for a wallpaper of u-know Yunho (DBSK). This faceless guy standing in the middle of no where... looking as he has been waiting for someone for a good part of his life captures my attention immediately.

Serendipity.

Life can be just like that, full of surprise. It is a present, a beautiful gift that I receive each day, just for living and having faith in myself.

I am 20 and more than a week old. I love someone from the past, still loving him every breath I take though he was not the right one. I guess I would not know love if I did not go through so much,loved that much and lost that much. For after all, I learn to appreciate life for every moment can be our last heart beat...

cut open my aching wood...just to open up my heart, once again...


About my life
Recently, I keep watching over Vanessa, praying that she will soon be OK. What does it mean by being OK? Was I ever OK? I mean... After 2 years, now for the 1st time I finally allow myself to accept the idea of moving on in relationship. I want her to be loved. I want her to be treasured. However, I never want her to forget all the pain she is suffering now... for thx to them, she matures and grows up. God, you are the one she truly believes in.... Please guide her, show her your love and forgive her mistake...
When i think of me and religion... there is one thing which is pretty strange. I do attempt to talk to God, many times, praying in a sense... But never once I ask Him anything for myself. I am perfectly cursed and may go to hell for being a non-believer. May be this is the path of life I chose to take, and I will have to pay for it. I just want my beloved not to suffer.

20 and a plus

I am grateful...
For every single birthday wish I get today... I am grateful for the friends I made, the people I care about. Thank you for remembering... a girl was born on this day 20 years ago, with so much hope, dreams...

(gonna edit soon... for this) exhausted now

Counting down

1000...
...
99
...
10
...

I am counting down. The days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds...
I am counting down. The strangers, the acquaintances, the friends...
...

The numbers gets smaller and smaller every time I count, there is less time till the next test, there are fewer true friends... Yet when I think about it today, the last moment of my teenage life, I am not any depressed or regretful... For I know, those last moments are the most precious, those last friends standing are the truest.

I knew what I was doing. At last.

Today i officially got the offer to work as a group leader for a children summer camp. It's not just any camp but a global event that takes places in more than 60 countries. I was filled with happiness and eagerness. Of all the applicants, they chose none and yet, just after a random conversation with me, the CEO said, to him, I am the one. When I turned him down. I knew I was going to wish I could clone myself, half study for Prelim and half working as a motivator for children.

An incident struck me today. Asher was crying, running all over the place looking for his mom... the poor child lost his way in this tiny hostel which I call home. Yet no one, no big sisters from the 2nd floor ran toward him to make sure he was ok. They sit there and STARED. As if those strangers' eyes can do anything to make the child feel better not to mention, frightened him. I was angry with the juniors who walked pass pretending NOTHING happened. As I hugged him in my arms and comfort him, Fanie, calling his dad and mom, Asher stopped sobbing after a while.. "Let's look for mommy". How is Alex today? Gosh, I wish I could tell him that I miss him, his golden curly hair, his bravery and childishness. My god-brother. Alex, he waited for me to bring home THAT GUY who dared challenge his painting and skating skill. . . I never keep my promise.

I am turning 20, in a few second. Responsibilities is NOT a burden, it is an honor. For all those people who look upon u and entrust themselves to u, they must have this strong belief in your potential.

Turning 20, I wonder when can I be a child again? Maybe, only in mother's arms. I truly miss home.

growing up//getting old//maturing

About growing up
There is one thing I am sure: I am getting old.
There is one thing I am not sure: am I maturing?

I barely meet my best friends anymore. we are all busy, SAT preparation, common tests, CA, more tests, more ambitions, more plans. We are all stuck in our own worlds, with the illusion of happiness. I was asked if I am happy. And I told my mother: I am not happy but I am not unhappy about it are you happy? Ruam, Ferina? Indora? We often call one another, for encouragement.Everything becomes fragile... love, tenderness. Sometime I heard Indora's sleepish voice over the phone, Ferina's sobbing and Ruam's hysterical laugh... I miss them a lot, only when I snap out of my miserable piles of homework, when I am off work and off "thinking", when I am human, not bloody mugger- or on the attempt to be one. I don't know. I wish I could at least find myself again, because I miss me so much.

I was honest, with myself, at least. It was not as if I were a jc1 students. As we grow old, the weight on our shoulders gets heavier and heavier... Sometime I just want to take a deep dive... in to the sea, or jump off from the 18th floor, screaming ARGGGGGGGGGGGG like I did in the leadership camp. This is not suicidal thought. I just want to feel this extreme fear again... I want to feel that I am ALIVE. I want to FEEL...

talking about "FEEL". One word, 4 letters, how much I miss that feeling when my heart and soul is full of passion... I used to so something because I wanted it, I desired it, I needed it. Now it is all about responsibility.

Who am I? It is a very good question to ask yourself. The clock is ticking... 1 2 3 4 ... 175 days till A level, crazy huh? 2 days till my 20th birthday? What have I done? and what have I failed to achieved? Can I look into the mirror and love the girl staring back at me? Certainly it is not easy to answer all these questions. I am frightened. I did not blog for a long time, and even when I do blog, I don't like my entries. People often ask me what it means to blog. Well, it's like to talk... monologue... if you can't present yourself well, if you can't even get your message across, if you don't even have a point to make: what's the point of making noise? Listing facts? So I shut myself up... But as I keep quiet, my brain explodes... there are so many thoughts that I know, if I keep writing, editing... trying to make it clear... maybe one day i will be able to understand myself...

It is all about construction, reconstruction, it is all about rewritten truth.

The truth is I am getting old. My eyes are bad and I can't run fast, I lost the passion to run and to do physical training...

The reconstructed truth with all layers of cowardice is that I am scared. Not of dying but living a unlived life. It is so easy to give up. I guess, I was not born to give in or give up.

Do you mind? Just being around me and not talking to me? It is hard for my best friends to see the tough me, being reduced to the defeated me today. I don't even ask for neither sympathy nor understanding. I wish you could be there and your presence is my present...

Getting old and insane, another meaningless post which I will not read again for years... Tell me not the wisdom of old man, but their fear and folly- Leon Trosky... I am speaking Lit. talking Lit. thinking Lit and hurting myself for PC-ing my life.

it's like cutting open all the wounds, all the pretentious perfection that people try to fool me.

Hey, I am 19 with a lot of +++++. I am aware, of the world, of the situation I am in. I just want a nice cup of hot milk, with my computer... I need to write...

Monologue... When no one speaks, I start to think... do i think too much? When the silence is DEAFENING...

I am maturing

in a very childish manner

You think it is easy to get old?

Wondering which path of life you can take to ensure stability and happiness for your parents when they get old, at the same time, find your happiness?

if it is for u, haha, good! Cuz it is not for me.


P.S: I felt my heart ache when this baby in the library run to me, playing with my very colorful necklace... He kissed me on my cheek. Me- the perfect stranger. I saw his older brother, older than me, held him in his strong arms and spook softly to him, telling him not to disturb me. He did not interrupted anything at all. The cute little boy-child just ended my miserable day with one kiss and a smile. I thought I did not need physical love, yet that tiny act of friendliness and cuteness takes my heart away... I played with them for a while. For a moment, it feels GREAT growing up... because for a second, i could provide temporary protection, and comfort to the little angel...

on a point... I want to be a teacher, someone like Miss Lin who inspires...
I really want to make an impact in a child's life.