About us.
ummm... no, about me, who has changed
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“This is the way you left me… I am not pretending, no hope, no love no glory, no happy ending”
As I walked, the rhythm of Mika’s “happy ending” kept playing again and again in my head. So “this is it”. I breathed in, disbelieved, astonished, weary…eventually, when I was about to give up, defying my emotion, I realized: anger. It was anger that filled my soul. I wondered why I felt this way. I wonder why I can no longer be the same person I was. I wonder where she went, the girl who cried her eyes out, down on her knees begging for the final letter, something that by right, belonged to her.
Why can I never be her again, My Linh of 18?
Maybe she cried too much, she can no longer read your letter.
Maybe she was hurt too much, her heart forgot what it was like… to feel
Maybe she had had enough all the nonsense, all the despicable lies, and complicated plots which she would never ever able to understand. So she reached out for that number of pills that he could not finish and took them in: one by one, day by day for the past two years. All the lies, the empty promises that were told to her by a “trustworthy” friend of his poisoned her, day by day. She waited for a dead person to return, knowing too well he wouldn’t. She waited for a letter, the final pill that will finish her, so she can wander under the sky and gaze upon the boy she loved. She cried herself to sleep, hoping she can see him. She took up murderous amount of responsibilities at school… For what? Simply to make sure, she would not have time to think of him. She could never look at another guy and feel attracted. Whoever stands in front of her for the past 2 years is merely a being to her, a non-gender acquaintance. Whoever asks for her hands, whether, for eternity or for a dance knows the bitterness of her ruthless and heartless rejection. No red roses are accepted, no soft toys are wanted. Losing him means much to her, in many ways, she died with him, inside. Romantic and kind? Passionate and innocent? She killed herself.
So I knew the email would arrive at 8 p.m., knowing pretty well, the person who would send it was always late. I did not check mail even when she miscalled me. And when she did, I breathed in, again, wondering if this was the end, the final note, the final message, the final goodbye. To my own amazement, I carried on with MY life, finished the chore, made sure the participants of Pre-U Sem have their meals, drinks, go to bed… I carried on with MY life. Yes, this is MINE, my duty, my role as a councilor, as the group leader, as a student, as a daughter of my parents. When was the last time, I had this special position, as his girlfriend, as his? I don’t know, I could not remember for once being an ordinary girl in love, waiting for him to come, tapping her fingers on the table restlessly… I could only recall my misery, from which I grew up. As my inaccurate memory faded, I learned to carry on…. Just like that, for a moment, for a while, I forgot the letter was waiting for me… I waited for it for 2 years and 2 months. Now I have it…
I could not bring myself to read it.
The letter.
I thought I would die for it.
However, I remember accepting that I gave it up. I did not know for that fraction of time, my life changed totally. Being threatened, insulted…, being asked to tell filthy lies that benefited no one but the gambler, being asked to betray my own principles. Maybe I disappointed him, for the first time in my life time of loving him; I placed myself above the one I loved.
Strange as it seemed, I sat down when the clock ticked midnight, informed her that this will be our final conversation for I did not wish to have any further interference to my relationship with him. I started to read.
The poem
The fairy tale
And stop
I closed the borrowed laptop, returned to the laundry room and pressed the buttons. I talked to mom and dad with a brief mention of the letter, Ruam, my true best friend with much screaming and shouting my anger out and sent Ferina a text without any mention of the letter, ignoring the phone call from the complete stranger.
Until this moment, I haven’t been able to bring myself to read the whole letter.
I had SAT that coming morning, thus I could not risk tearing out my heart again. So I printed the letter out, put it on my bed… “gonna read it before u sleep”… another plan which I could not fulfill for I did not sleep the whole night, doing last minute work.
Until this moment, I haven’t read the letter.
I don’t think I will any soon
‘Cuz I do not know how to stop, this machine that keeps me alive for the past 2 years… I do not know how to stop, counting the amount of work that has to be done…
Maybe one moment in time… I will sit down and read…
How could we both love one another so much yet end up hurting each other so badly? A moment of happiness, as compared to years of misery… I believe our love was worthy but what angered me was our selfishness. We are both selfish. You, being so determined to leave me, knowing so well you would never be able to keep that promise of eternity, understanding clearly that you would not leave me anything behind, no happy ending, not even a concrete trace of your existence, were still greedy and took my heart away. I thought I loved the way you loved me. I thought I accepted the fact that you were barely around. Actually, I did, now I don’t. I changed because I am eventually exhausted. On the other hand, I, knowing perfectly well there was nothing I could do to keep you, understanding perfectly well that my love for you which could have not have the power to ease your physical pain or take away your troubles would only made it more complicated and painful for you to embark on your planned departure, was still selfish enough to insist on possessing your heart. So I had to pay for my wrong deed, my selfishness and stupidity. Once I asked myself if I would do this all over again, and what angered me even more was my unconscious and immediate answer YES. I wished you had not gotten stuck with me. Since you would leave no matter what, not knowing me would lessen your eternal burden.
If you could see me know, the grotesque monster you have left on earth when you soared to the sky… I blame you not but am indeed thankful to you.
Now I know, there are not only two extreme polar of emotions sorrow and happiness… There lies outside this flat plane, the third dimension, the vacuum of numbness, indifference… of the ice box where my heart once beats. I read only parts of your letter.
You are right.
You are always right.
I did not cry reading it, not even a little bit.
What for? A thousand words won’t bring you back… I know, ‘cuz I had tried
Neither will a million tears, I know… ‘cuz I had cried
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What happens to un-cried tears?
They flow inward… back to the core of the heart.
In that coldness of the controlling mind, salty water freezes, like an ice box, trapping the heart inside.
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...I am glad it happened. I am glad there was an "us".
I am glad.
