gone

I just saw this picture online and fell for it almost immediately.

"I know that you are really gone"

One of my friends dashed into my room last night with tears filled her eyes. Something happened, Sad things happened. She did not use tissues but towel to stop drops and drops of crystal clears water falling down. Literally, of course. I did not venture to understand the full length of the story... Does it matter? To me? Not quite, 'cuz the onlything that made me worried was HER, crying not the juicy story which anyone can turn into rumor and gossip

we are old enough to understand where to stop, and the boundaries of privacy.

Her love is gone. Thinking of the idea, ...gone... and its layers of complications. As I hugged her to calm her down, I found myself sobbing in side, but the brave front ME, stood strong. We, after all are flesh and bones, weak and structured, all in one. She said she could never make it through, and that she would not be able to stand on her own...Her love was her world. And now everything collapses right in front of her naked eyes

I smiled

Knowing what she was experiencing would give her a precious lesson. Like a journey, she was pushed down from the feverish train of love, left walking bare feet to get out of the Wood of Misery. Hunger, Crave for love, crave for a touch, an answer, a reason. Thirst, long for care, long to get something she thought she owns to be back in her hand. Before she knew it, the pain and the exhaustion has already soaked into her mind. Like poison, like perfume, it lingers, it stays. What can not kill us, will only make us stronger. I know she will soon find out her inner strength. Something I fought for life, to help people around me realize. We, all, can stand strong on our own.

Dear, it hurts, I know, all the trees, branches and thorn i the mistery forest poked your body, scratched your skin... But dance, girls, Dance like the little mermaid ... Dance your way out, find your decision, find your strength. Dane your way out

I hate the idea of being dependent on someone or something

Just a relection, I always love self reflections, asking myself what if I was in her shoes. I was, not what if, but I was. My love was gone. not just love, friendship, things that do not work out. Devastated, I was. But every day when I wake up and find myself breathing, smelling, seeing the world as per normal, I smiled. I am alright. And I moved on, away from all unhappiness. I know I have a CHOICE, to react, to give the final answer. And for crying out loud, I am not gonna choose to let things bring me down

Her case was different. The person is still there, just love has gone away. For me, he passed away, leaving a sky of love on my shoulder, filled my heart. What to say? I watched her sleeping like a baby on my bed while I was struggling with my school work. This is my life... I love it. I thought of my mother, my Ruam, my Indora, they were in my position now and I was in my friend's. We change role in life, dont we? So I have grown up and learn something out of it.... Then it will be her turn... one day, to tell another girl that, everything will be alright.

I am at school now, blogging... Hoping that someone out there may read this message of a heart to a heart... Dont take it too hard on yourself... Dont. It doesnt worth it, we have to move on.

Love, I know that you are really gone. I came into term with it, bit by bit everyday. I doing fab. That's why you love me, not anyone else, cuz through the rain... I see rainbow.

let go

April

Without my notice, April suddenly slipped in, replaced March one fine morning. I guess the whole idea of replacement still hit me badly whenever I came to think about it. All most everything can be replaced and will be replaced in the matter of time. Love, friendship... Even just yesterday we still vowed to be together forever, that our hands would not part, "I will always be there for you", it hurts knowing one day, the person we say all these lies to will not be the same one we did in the past. I believe we did not mean to lie. It just happened. People walked away, people passed away... Yes, March went away, without kissing goodbye.

I was just too engaged with my work that I forgot.
April fool... In deed, yes, I was longing for it last year. His birthday, I prepared a present, my heart sang a little happy song. Today I sat quietly in class, counting the hours slipping away. He could have been 20, you know. We could have been celebrating... I guess, a lot of could have been, would have done, must have been... blah blah blah. But it is death we are talking about. It is not as if he chose to leave, or another way round

So April came, April is here. Just like the reality. I cannot afford to day dream no more. In fact I did not even have much chance to do so in March. You know, JC life is tough. I talked to mom quietly at night, most of the time, half asleep, or just woke up preparing for a sleepless night doing school work. Noone has the right to judge my timing. I do what I neen to do, in time that I can arrange to do. Even if it is a history essay, started at 2 am and finished at 5, it is still my work and certainly, you have absolutely no right to question or comment. But I guess, everyone has the freedom of speech, of commenting, of saying what they think is right. So I take my choice, not to care. I am tired of making you happy, getting your approval. In the end, you will replace me as I perform the same act to you.

So the question is, what stands the test of time, of distance of fate? I believe in family relationship, between parents and child, between siblings and true friends. I have to mention Ruam and Indora who are still here for me up to now. I was so amazed at my own feeling just having a girl night out with Ruam. Here we go, I dont feel awkward, or question myself why the hell I was here, or realized the fact that I did not belong. I do not even have to try being someone I am not. Just me and her. Silly stories, nonsensical, you really dont know how much I need this kind of chilling out. So be it, I do not lock myself in but at the same time realize there is not a need for "socializing" that much. And Indora, the ayam still gives me strength just by her voice, We talk. We discuss, I cried, she laughs, how insane? But she keeps me sane, doing the right thing. And I need not say, I love them so much

How is my April going to be?

May time tell, I have work and plans in mind that I may not reveal until I succeed. But I will try hard, I am sure, I will try my very very best. At the end of the day, it is my own future, my happiness I am responsible for, and along with it, my parents'.

Dear friends,
Thx for reading these lines, written in the middle of my research. Thx for pasing by and actually care. How have you been? I dont blame you or neither do I blame myself if we have not been contacting each other for so long.
"happines is not enough for everybody to have, so dont blame when others forget"
I love this quote from a teen story. I gess, we all need to concentrate on own study, work and CCA now. If we are really friends, sooner or later we will reunite. If not, I am happy for we have found out replacement, new best friends, new gossip mates, a new person to accompany you when you are lost, a new friend to walk you home... I am grateful that you have that someone. 'Cuz as much as I want, far water cannot satisfy constant thirst. Just take the moments we had together as good memories I will cherish as long as I live.
Take care, and shall we make our April meaningful?


Aril is always difficult to me. What a strange statement? If March was full love love and dreams, memories of hope... April hits hard as the cold reality, but it is neccessary that I have to come into terms with it. Accepting is not good enough, make the best of what I have left is much more important, and moved on. Someone I love much died on the 29th of this month. Mom said, 10 years, 20 years down the road I will not be able to forget him. Not forget, she told me, never forget him. For his memories somewhat made me who I am now. But not to dramatize the loss, or emphasize the pain. In the deafing silence, I know, she knows and we know

Quote from a movie "Sky of love"

Whatever happened, I still love the sky

Blue as it is, it is the color of hope, and dreams, Ad Astra, Innovians always say it, to the star.



(I miss you a little too much, but a little less, and a little more bearable as time goes by)