Monday, March 19, 2012

{theLaundrylist} 05 Atonment

5 years ago I made a decision, that eventually opened up my eyes to see a new world. 
A dead one!
I saw ghost, zombies - the walking dead
I saw insincerity, liars and betrayal. 

I killed the last bit of humanity in my heart. 

It happened that way. Until now I did not know how I could walk around with such a deformed heart for two years long. My eyes were blinded by rage - I was disgusted, I was in pain. I cried nights and days for a reason only I knew, which many people mistook. I cried in fear and disappointment. It was a cruel game - I died over night. 

One morning, I woke up and observed people as who they truly were behind their pretty little smiles.  One piece of land, thousands of people, I saw unfairness. I wondered how those religious kids could walk around preaching and lying with their filthy mouths. I wondered why I - before committing this crime would have to go to hell just because I was not a daughter of God, but she could go to heaven with everything that she did. Isn't that funny? 

I saw unfaithfulness - the betrayal of best friends, brothers competing for the same girl - just another liar, cheating on them both. I saw her beauty decay with my naked eyes. Youth withered and wisdom cannot be gained without a sincere heart. I wondered what love was and whether or not it existed in this land. 

Then I saw people who could look straight into my eyes and told me lies. And I stared right back of them with more lies. If it is just a game to them, then let me play too. Why not? And since according to them, I would go to hell anyway, I made a trip down south, to the core of the earth, where demons lived. I was fearless - and I was cruel. 

But Ruam, Ruam taught me kindness. She prayed for me, cared for me. She stood by me till today. I live everyday for the past 5 years trying to be the better person, the more truthful person - for her, who had opened up her arms and accepted all my lies, for her prayers which washed clean my sin. 

I don't know how you have lived for the past 5 years. And to be honest, I do not care. I lack the skill many of you have - I don't master the art of forgiveness, eps. to myself. However trust me, I never dared hope I would be able to get away with all that I had done. To my mother who had to attend to my mental trauma, to my best friends who had to deal with my neurotic trust issue, I had gone through hell for the sin I committed, for the lies I fabricated. I paid my price with blood and tears - literally, you don't even know. I have lived the past 5 years in atonement - forgiving, but not forgetting those who hurt me, treat them with kindness and walk away when the time is right. 

You are inconsiderate - and selfish until the very end. However I am no longer the cunning being I was - I chose not to be. V isn't for Vendetta, at least in my dictionary. If I had a choice, I would have been down on my knees and begged you to face me with the truth 4 years ago. I wish I could have turned back time to save us, save you and myself. Perhaps then I wouldn't have to live in the lies until today. 

However I have turned out this way. I can't trust people easily. I just don't. I can't love anyone naturally. My time has passed and that was the most expensive price I paid - my youth, my innocence, my ability to fall in love. Are you happy now? Look at who we have become. Are you happy now?

Your confession set us free. I no longer had to act as if I did not know. I guess I was right to put my trust in you all those years that you will come clean one day.I believed in your kindness. It was just ridiculous how my tears, and the fact that I was heading on to a surgery table (without knowing if I could come out alive) could not change your mind, could not make you confess, but an episode of an anime could make you write me such a long and honest letter. Wow, how little I meant to you?

So that day came - 18 March, 2012. A day to remember :) I will celebrate it in years to come. Can we start from the beginning? 

Please live healthy. We must meet one day. When that day comes, tell me you've been well. And you have lived well, worthy of your chance to live. I will continue living in atonement till the rest of my life.

Now he, who never lived can die. And I who never loved, can learn to love again. What about you? 

Saturday, March 17, 2012

{theLaundrylist} 04 One of those days you wonder...

It's one of those days when you had so much to do, you worked so hard until you broke down and cried your eyes out but then quietly cleaned up your mess, picked yourself up and then... 13 assignments + 2 presentations have been completed...

And even though you still have 7 more papers to write, you could not help but pause for a moment. Let the Maroon5 Pandora music station flows and you wondered...

How much more can I stretch myself?
How much further would I go to achieve my dreams?
How much longer is this road I am walking?

And you just stopped, hurried and noted down your thoughts for the moment... Because this moment of youth is passing you by. 

Yes, I don't get any younger sitting around here, listening to music. But I don't get any wiser if I don't have this moment for myself and reflect. I think I am going to be O.K. after all these self-doubts.

Nah, forget that, I am not just going to be O.K. I am going to be successful and blissful and happy. Because after all I have been through, I owe it to myself to at least believe it in my heart. 

One of those days you wonder when he will come. And though you have long thrown out the idea of building your life around the happiness that he may bring. You thought to yourself: it would be nice to have someone dear. Yet right now, there is still ED474 homework with the Honor degree assignment and your supervisor evaluations in the Elementary school to be turned in...


And those millions of things you have to finish today make your life complete. For now, let's pause and listen to Sunday Morning, sipping Allann Bros' Milky Way :) 

It's a good life

Friday, March 9, 2012

{theLaundrylist} 03 _ Dreams

several times I have questioned my fate - how easy, to drop a question into the unknown.

I told my mother multiple times that: perhaps I would fancy an arranged marriage. Me, knowing myself, I am the kind who is able to learn to love whatever belongs to me. I have learned to like all the dresses she bought, and rock it my style. I have learned to accept and adapt into all type of living environments around the world without complains. What about a husband? In this time and age, does a girl like me - who lives and functions well, proudly well, all by herself for far too long still need another being to make me whole? I am unsure. 

But the question has been put forth and of course, brushed aside by my mother, who obviously knows me better than I do to myself. 

I had a dream today. 

And in my dream, I was to marry this decent looking man - whom I had no idea about his identity. Relatives congratulated me for landing in such a great marriage. He looked at me kindly and disappointingly with sorrow in his eyes. There wasn't love for I had no idea how and why we ended up together, a day before the wedding. I remembered being utterly scared and confused. I remembered not being able to chicken out because I would rather hurt myself than to bring unhappiness to my parents - or to him, whoever he was - the one that was kind enough to accept a loveless life with me. me. me - the very disagreeable me. 

I remembered I was sincerely unhappy - no it's not the unhappy-upset-unhappy but rather, the desperate-unhappy-unhappy. I thought I could, but perhaps I cannot, and will never be able to...

During our recent conversations, I have explained to my mother that I have come to accept Fate - whatever Fate may bring. Not every woman ends up being loved and cherished by her husband. But I, I have a choice not to depend my happiness on another unreliable being. I am afraid I would disappoint her and upset her, if it turns out that I don't belong to the fortunate minority. She kept silent. Her faith unchanged. On the other hand, mine, mine faltered, I dare admit, mine faltered. I don't doubt true love. I don't doubt Fate. What I am not sure is whether or not I am fated to be with someone special, someone who would love me dear. Perhaps, yes. Perhaps, no.

--------------------

The thought of marriage has clouded my mind recently. I am hanging here with this tiny bit of faith and hope to last me through those moments that I have too much free time on my hands. Friends are getting married. My mother has attended 3 weddings on my behalf. While I am still here trying to fight tooth and nail for a degree that, would make me a more respectable and educated young lady, but not necessarily a more attractive one; girls my age are "sealing the deal" with their men. I do wonder who will be happier at the end of the day. 

It's not my time yet, I know. Not now but when? The question is left hanging in the air. I have passed the age which I can love thoughtlessly, carelessly and open-minded-ly. What awaits me now would be a calculative mathematics equation in which I must find my "X" to balance between success and happiness...

oh well... What will be, will be!

Monday, March 5, 2012

{05Mar.'12}


March always makes me feel that I don't belong in this place - no matter where I am at that particular moment. No, you're not supposed to be here - March says, you belong to a happier place, somewhere you can be blissfully lost, somewhere you are loved, somewhere without disappointment - that destination he stands, awaits for your arrival. But March has never been around long enough to keep his promise and take me away. So at this place I stay.

For long I have learned to be as happy as I can, to accept what I have without yearning for what I cannot possess. Yet when the 5th of March knocks on the door annually like a close friend, my desire for the spring awakening comes alive. I take a deep breath, open up the door and greet him with a long embrace: "Hello there, my dear" I see March through my teary eyes and though we no longer weep together, I can tell he has changed - the image of him changes as my poor memories start to fail me miserably. No matter how much I refuse to accept it, somewhere in my heart, I have already foreseen my defeat to time. "He's fading away, day by day, minute by minute, second by second..." The thought of my happiest day hurts like a sharp blade plunged across my heart, twisted twice. Nevertheless, I clear my clouded mind and burdened heart. We have a small meal - an intentionally burnt omlette. We then play an old song, me on piano, him on violin - a duet. For March, I will touch the black and white note again, commemorate the love for Spring ... Yet before the last note was struck, April rolls in with her outrageous lies

And the excitement is gone... I die, again and again with the departure of March 5th. So come on now, let the resentment of Spring begin

Saturday, March 3, 2012

{theLaundrylist} 02

{LifeAsaRA} 




17 minutes till the Duty Night is done - we shouldn't call it "DUTY" because it has always been nothing but fun time hanging out with my staff members. My residents visit often, either with home cooked food or with pranks. It will be another sleepless night, another emotionally drained journey - but I am already ready for this battle. So, bring it on!

Though I'm severely disappointed, the snow falls beautifully. Like Krista always says: the snow is falling just for you, Linh. My dear, I am scared and it's so cold outside. People never fail to disappoint - with or without cruel intentions. We both know I will pull through this, once again, but it kills me inside. My dear, as darkness envelopes me, I am unable to see you through the sky. My love, how have you been?



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{LifeasAnRA} 


Saturday afternoon, while sprawling on the floor, trying desperately to finish one pile of homework after another, I heard the guitar playing and beautiful voice singing (not really sometimes ;), I heard small quiet chats and laughter on the other side of the wall, in the lobby. I feel a sense of happiness. This rough road is worth travelling, I believe. One more resident who decides to stick around in the weekend, hang around with his floor-mates, doing homework - OR composing a song with this community means one resident less who would go out and made poor decision. I have seen growth and I have seen tears, I have seen hugs of reunion and fights - which only draw them closer to one another.

I guess, I am here to stay. Yesterday Vegetarian dinner cooked by Maddie and Meg was beautifully well done :) You guys are on a mission to compose a song, create a video clip with one another. Thank you for caring about one another. Thank you for all that you've done to your peers and to me as your RA. It's time I get my head back to "the game" and finish my lesson plans for students. This is home.