{for.you.i.write} 06

This perhaps is going to be one of the very last entries I am going to write about you and for you.

And it really is not a bad thing.

Today you came back from your date with a goofy smile and I think I know what that means. I was just so happy for you I could not even comprehend my feelings.

Wasn't I supposed to feel bitter? upset? and jealous? Wasn't I supposed to wish her ill? Isn't it just fair to have that human hatred? After all, the winner takes it all... Yet, I cannot bring myself to have such negative thought, especially toward you. Yet I cannot allow myself to stoop that low... I wonder if I am fair to myself.

Today, I feel a sense of happiness just seeing you happy, just seeing that adorably ridiculous smile lingering on your lips. That washed away all my worries. When you leave the room, my heart, ripped apart, snatched out of my chest felt that sense of hollowness. I am left with the emptiness and the gigantic questions:

Now what? What about me?

My dear, I know love is not a competition and Fate wasn't on my side. It was one cruel game She played and I was the foolish one. We were born under different circumstances and I came to know you a little too late to make a significant difference in our relationship. Life has plans for the both of us and I wonder if this is the end of my part in the play about you. The theater is cruel - supporting actors exit the stage and not many people wonder what happen to them. My time is running out and soon enough, the sky will swallow my traces. 3 months? I will be back, stronger and more jaded than ever. 3 months - 10 000 more steps, each one is a precise decision to get further away from the me whose heart belongs to you. 3 months? How many European cities, towns, bus rides, train stations? How many moments wandering under the European sky... My memory will fade and the bitterness will subside - all that I would like to keep is that piece of paper, with your red note imprinted on it.

And honestly, I doubt that I even need that piece of paper. That joke you nonchalantly made has tattooed in my heart. I would like to keep the sweetness from the pain.

My dear, your happiness will never be my pain. I guess the intersection of our paths has come to an end... It's bittersweet on my part but it's time to bid you goodbye.

My dear, goodbye.