Monday, February 14, 2011

of grades and life

.
.
.
.
you know what I hate the most?
- I hate the B+ the most.

It's not a C - aka Can't-do-this kinda grade. Somehow, it's so much better if it is because a B++ = the half-ass or last minute effort of someone who has the full potential of being an A grade student but fall short because of his/her lack of determination.

and I... I have detested myself for a good 13 years of education for never doing my best in my academic life as much as I could.

you know what I no longer want to see?
- I no longer want to see that 89 mark on my paper.

It's a B++++ but could not reach the A-. It's me in a nutshell - the girl who always comes second because she never has the greed to come 1st. But isn't it a waste, to be an overall B++/A---  student all along? To be the best friend but not the lover, to be the taken for granted?

Yes it is, and I no longer want to live like this anymore!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

the Last letter

four letters were sent out of Ashland, Oregon today
- one of which bore an address of a friend that I will henceforth let go



it wasn't hard to pen down my wishes for her in years to come. A friend who was there for me in need, would always be someone I treasure. It wasn't hard as well, to come to this decision without pain. I guess, at the age of 21 (going on 22) - I have learned to accept this cycle as the matter of fact - we meet and shall part in due time. It's too tiring to hold on - and I do not practice, not to mention, master the art of unconditional love. It's only regretful that I could not bring myself to tell her "This is the last letter." But I guess, she wouldn't mind - how can you really "mind" over something you no longer care about.?

so today I walked down to the post office, purchased that 98 cent international stamp :) paid  $1.12 instead, pealed off the first layer and sticked 3 stamps on top of the red envelop. It had already been decided, yet still, I felt that breathless moment when the letter slipped out of my finger tips and disappeared inside the yellow mail box... 

it's time, dear love, farewell
venture to the world beyond! taste sadness and enrich your life with true tragedy and beauty
Let's meet when our paths crossed once more. 

till then, be well

---------------------


Monday, January 17, 2011

-untitled-




차갑게 안아줘 세상에 맞서야 해
Hug me coldly. I must face the world.

---

I detest myself, whenever I treasure someone who mindlessly walks over my affection. I have never been the kind of person who would say sorry for a crime, convicted unanimously. But then I did, because you were more important than my pride. I regret it

so

much

Dignity - I should not have forgotten
my identity
I will lose it all, if I trade off my dignity

you are not worthy of my dignity
you are not, and no one is.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

#DBSK - because of you, selfish fans

2 years and 3 months they are mute.
2 years and 3 months Yunho was under depression, drank and wandered around subway line
2 years and 3 months Changmin grew thinner, and harsher.

2 years and 3 months

you ask, you complain, you wait for them to give their stance on the situation

so now they did - and your reactions are the perfect reasons why they have muffled their frustration these 2 years and 3 months.

Don't lie, at least, don't be pathetic and lie to yourself.

You do not want their answer, their point of view

You only want to hear what you want to hear: those sweet words: "forever five" "brothers for life"

Right now, you are not supporting the trio for who they are. You claim yourself a JYJ bias only because of your selfish nature, because they are telling you things you want to hear. But the moment of epiphany, if Junsu decided to focus his 200% on the musical path, or Jae decided to follow his Rock star dreams and Yuchun no longer see the need of getting back together as 5.

I guess, you will turn away from them once again and call them names.

The Homin boycott - I could not believe in my eyes. You did not have a problem with "The new beginning" - which means the end of the past (full package, do not even start interpreting the truth the way you want it) but now they see the need to bash "Keep your head down" You did not see the soulless Yunho on red carpet, walking like a robot with perfect fake smile - because you are too busy wiping your blood streaming out of your nose admiring Jae's half naked bubble bath shoot. Let's not compare who suffer more here. I don't believe in this department, any one of them outshines the other. In their own way, they all are in despair

But seeing them existing with their burden hearts is not enough, you have to go all the way and inflict more pain. Bashing Junsu, you think Yunho is happy, right? Who are you protecting? None of them, you hurt us all with your thorn words

I am not any one's bias at this moment in time. This fandom is getting too ridiculous nowadays that I do not care anymore. Too many self-claimed Cassies. What do you know? Because I am a Cassie, I must applause Kanye's composition which, in my opinion, makes JYJ sound like famine cats despite their very strong vocal? Because I am a Cassie, I must become a blind supporter? Tell you what, I think Heading to the ground sucks even though I was a hard core Yunho's fan. Tell you what, Sungkyunkwan Scandal was AMAZING even though Micky has never ever been my bias. Tell you what, at this point in time, I still have this faith in them - that they misunderstood one another, that they only need to come face to face, that the moment Jae pulls Min into his embrace, Min will beat the craps out of Jae while crying his eyes out. And even if they don't, even if they find this new path more apt to their future, then be it trio or duo or all 5 solo, I wholeheartedly support their choices.

Don't bash one another! Get a life! Go out there and be amazing in whatever you do!
That much, is what you owe them, for all those years they make you proud, they inspire you.
And let them be human, let them get angry and frustrated and mad and ... let them be real, for once

because I am so so sick of all their diplomatic answer already.

You are the reasons why they would rather be mute than to express themselves

you - who think too highly of yourself, don't have the minimal trust in any of them

I, despise, you.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Vote for Linh - College Photo Competition



http://news.sou.edu/photo/

I participated in a photo contest in SOU :) Please vote for my pictures, it means a lot for me. Each and everyone of you inspires me to capture these precious moment we share

there are 5 pictures
1. Umbrella (featuring Kelsey Lyn Ensminger ) #38
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/38/

2. Pride Parade #37
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/37/

3. Water shoot (featuring Mohammed Alghareeb )#36
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/36/

4. Crater Lake trip (featuring ISA) #35
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/35/

5. SOU Fall'10 (featuring myself) #34
http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/34/

Simply "thumb up" the picture

For some reasons my entry was lost thus it was updated later than all the other pictures
I am at loss right now, since other pictures have already been voted up close to 120 thumb up :(
Your help means a lot to me

Thank you so so very very much

 Please help me ask your friends, and your friends' friends to vote for me, only if they like my pictures :) 

Help me spread the words, I really appreciate your help

love,

My-Linh Phan

Christin


I wonder why every time I call out her name, I have this strong sense of security. But at this very moment, something else overwhelms me. It is not the pride and happiness which I always feel for her, but rather regret.

If only I could turn back the hand of time and do something right… I wish I could have… I wish I would have… I wish she would…

She was someone I would and I did distance myself from, someone who possesses an unwelcoming face, a rare smile, a grumpy “stay-away-from-me” aura. That was Christin of two years ago. I remember rolling my eyes if I met her on my way out of the hostel, during my sec 4 year. “It’s so going to rain, or something bad is surely going to happen” I used to tell myself each time I faced the sleepy and unfriendly Christin in the morning. Well, after two times being caught in the rain, not to mention losing my favorite book in the bus, I concluded that she was indeed my sign of unluckiness. 

I thought I knew it all, yet I did not know the miracle of life…was about to happen. I did not know on that fateful night, she and I, like two parallel lines would cross, we talked from 10 till 3. I did not know I would come to trust her and rely and her and NOT being let down even once. I also could not predict that in my future, she would be the one who scold me so much, force me to sleep early, also the one who was so skinny, so small in size would protect me from harm. Nor did I know soon in the future there would be more going out, gossiping, whispering, caring, hugging and studying till morning between me and her…

Yet all these things I thought would never happen actually came true. Whenever I think about it, I think about us, and I think about my life in 2008, she was better than my favorite dish in Aston, she was better than my silky black dress in Asean Dance, better than the Great Singapore Sale, better than musicals and movies. SHE WAS THE BEST SURPRISE LIFE BROUGHT ME...
And one of the WORST PEOPLE THAT HAD TO WALK AWAY FROM ME…
(Don’t worry she is just leaving from Australia, a better place, less stress, better shopping opportunities… better looking guys…)

Above all. I would never believe that her leaving us would bring this much agony, this much anger, this much helplessness and despair out of me.
Then I learn she was indeed a blessing I was so lucky to have. I hate her so much for being Christin. Hate her because she would scold the hell out of you but will care for you till the very end. Hate her because she would slap me pink so that I would wake up from my foolishness and stupidity. She acts as if she would not give a damn but indeed she was the MOST KAPO person among us and cares the MOST about those she loves. She is the most ridiculous girl I ever know who loves so much, cares so much, sacrifices so much yet unable to ever say the 3 simple words “I LOVE YOU”. I hate her most for she watches funny clips whenever her heart is shattered so that she can laugh and hold back her tears. Hey Christin, do you know how hard it is for me to watch you like that? How can I tell you, it is OK to cry in front of me, to scream and to scold, to cry without holding back? How can I ever tell you that, it’s not weak to cry… it’s human and you are not the supergirl you think you have to be. How can I let you know that you should act according to your feelings, not opposite?

This is my Christin. I wonder if I had told her how much I sincerely love her and how much I thank her for all she has done for me, for the strength she gave, for her slow… very slow reaction to dirty joke that never fails to make me laugh whole heartedly. I wonder if she knows how important she is to me and how hard it is going to be without her, with me fighting all these battle namely A-level and you-know-who-and-who-and who… alone. I also wish she knew I felt freaking happy and honor when she voluntarily hugged me (haha, she, who hates it so much)and when she came to me and cried. 
When I am in Vietnam, her text messages were my friend. Yet I cannot even meet her before she leaves Singapore. I cannot even lend her a hand to unpack and pack her 8 boxes into 6, share the joy of throwing away A-level notes and that few moments with her. I wish I had hugged her just a while longer before she left. 
So, farewell, my dear Christin! Though us, being schoolmates is short, it’s is only the very very beginning of our friendship. When I say friends I really mean it, I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, to see you again and of course attend your wedding (whoever you marry, haha, bad bad luck him). 

If I ever do anything wrong that let you down, I am truly sorry. I am also sorry for not my prejudice (I wish I had become your friend 1 or 2 years before). And I am sorry for years to come when we are apart, I cannot be there for you whenever you need me. But I wish you good friends, happiness, success in life and above all love. INNOVA will never be the same without you but I promise I will stay cool ;), keep u update haha. I will do my best, beat that girl to top school in art ;) like you always said, make sure that stupid X of yours won’t do silly stuff (like dating Su) and keep my promise to meet u soon.
So girl, LIVE STRONG, we always do, ‘cuz we are CHRISTIN & MY LINH
We love and take care of ourselves, and we stay true to our Colors.
No matter what
You are my friend
Glad to have been there for u, and VERY indeed, VERY glad to know u ;)

19 random things about me

#1. In 2008, my weekend plan is simple. Either RUAM, FERINA or ALONE. Which makes me, pretty much a loner. When it comes to weekend, I am very calculative. If you don’t have that much time to have fun, why don’t u choose the BEST people?

#2. I can put my life in the hands of 2 girls: INDORA AND RUAM…Though I love Ferina madly, putting my life in her hands is a big NO no, haha. The rest, nope nope no no, CHRISTIN is also this one amazing friend whom I can surely trust, but yeah, due to her compulsive shopping nature haha, we will go bankrupt very soon together. 

#3. I consider a movie and dinner night a PATHETIC date and Orchard for a date is another huge NO NO to me. (Fer sure knows about this) What melts my heart? Well, something else, which I won’t tell u. Figure it out urself… u will be surprised how simple (only in case you actually bother haha)

#4. Up to now, I have 1 official boyfriend, one puppy love and that’s it. Many people think I am in a LOT of relationships, oh well, I am good at deceiving. But the truth is, I don’t need a bf to make me look good or feel good about myself. When it comes to relationship, I am very serious

#5. Never been kissed

#6. My walls of my room in Hanoi are made of book shelves, and Yes, I love reading. Marc Levy is my favorite (if you are still sticking around with Nicholas Spark’s corny all-so-predictable collection, well, it would be great to open up your eyes and bring your sentimental sense to a higher level)

#7. If there is a choice between lover and friends, which will you choose?
How about none? ‘Cuz if he loves me, he would not make me choose. And dude, if u are, truly my friends, and u know I am nuts about this guy, would u give me your blessing? If u can’t have the heart to give me the assurance that u will still love me, no matter who I date… Um, are u really my friend?
When Fer said: “I’m happy for u” when she was almost close to tears (bursting laughter) (it was a joke but Fer kinda believed that I had a weird, very weird bf), I know, if she is my friend through thick and thin. Someone who won’t lock me out of her life just because I date a freak she can’t approve ( and btw, I would rather date an interesting unique freak than just an ordinary boring guy with an Orchard-Food Court-Cathay date)


#8. I am not a soft toys or useless-stuff person (so yeah, thx but no thx I don’t wish to have soft toys for my 20th birthday). I used to adore them so much I had a collection of them (enough to fit a small room). I believe in having a relationship, a kinda connection with objects around me, not to mention soft toys. One day, I just found out that I had become too busy that I could not spend that time with any of my soft toys ( and they took up ALL the space I had on my bed). I can’t keep something or someone without loving them. Like storing soft toys or useless stuff to get all the dust in the world…. So I gave them almost all away for the younger girls who will give my soft toys the love and attention I can’t, who will talk to my soft toys, hold them dear to hearts.
When you can’t bring someone the love they deserve, no matter how much you want to hold them back. Let them go. 

#9. I was home schooled for all my kindergarten life.

#10. I like to hang out with older people, or should I say, people with great life experience, a story to share or maturity. I once had a friend who was 60+ when I was 16. He has a rock band in Vietnam, performed in Press Club. He wrote a song for me, just that I was NEVER old enough to attend his concert (M18). But yeah, we did have great time talking to one another, out of the blue. And btw, I love talking to strangers who are not so strange.

#11 Wherever I go, I have a small book of Xuan Quynh's poems in my bag, just to remind me of many things that are indeed important in life.I love & write poems but no one has ever read them... Cuz the person that inspired me, would never be able to hear it. I read Vietnamese poem to Angeline, an Indonesian human wanna be (jk I love u) and she actually loves them.

#12. I will write a book, a fiction, a love story. I have started and will finish it before I am 21

#13. I don't care what people say about me. And I wont change myself JUST TO BE WHAT PPL WANT METO BE. 'Cuz if I do that, I will be JUST LIKE THEM. It does not hurt when ppl who I have no idea how they are related to my reality gossip about me. It ONLY hurt when those I truly love misunderstand me. (Jule thx for being there. Vivi, Ruam, thx for always letting me know, u understand me MORE than anyone could)

#14. I am pathetic in sport. If yoga counts, then yeah, I am still very pathetic

#15. I dream to tour around the South East Asia countries with my best friends to visit my friends. Thailand for RUAM, Indo-Jakarta for FERINA, FANIE; Indo-Medan haha for the SC GANG: INDORA, CHRISTIN, MICHELLE, CINDY, ANJELINE, DOLDO...; Indo-BANDUNG for yes, of course, LINTANG,; Indo-BALI for PUTU and BAM; Philippines for him and CANDICE BALETE, ZIP; Malaysia for CHRISTABEL and VANESSA CHIN...

#16. I modeled when I was a kid. Fashion show, pretty lights... 

#17. I dont turn my head around to see a handsome guy (who cares?) but I will definitely turn my whole body around JUST to adore a VESPA. I have 1, Vespa (Spring ) blue and white. when u have a vespa, it is not about looking "cool" with it, it is much more about loving it, loving a sick, easily breakdown person... Once u know ur Vespa well, this is when u experience true love. 

#18. When I was 18, I had it all and lost it all. 

#19. I love my parents, I still say "love u, mom" before we end our conversation. I love my cousins, all of them: NGoc, Bi, Hon, Trang, Giang, Duy, Co, Tung... I think they are really really talented and extremely cool yet insane and fun to be with. I am blessed to have and be loved them. Dear, no matter where u are, what mistakes u make, what weird decision, strange lover u have, I support u as long as u are happy


Just some stuff about me. Not much, not enough for u to understand me inside out. Right now, I just wish, I have enough courage and determination to study and get into a GREAT university. I am not perfect, but I have grown to love my imperfection. This is me and who I am, I thank YOU for all that you have done. 

1. Thank YOU, those who love me no matter what. Friends are for life. Little things you do may have saved me from falling down, little smile you gave, tiny touch, a sweet blink, a small notes... all these engrave in my heart and forever, eternally thankful

2. Thank YOU, whose who hurt, who misunderstand and gossip.I thank YOU who bother to break me down and make my life miserable. If I had not met u, I would not be the tough girl I am today, I would never be able to hold my head high no matter what. I guess u must care about me enough to do all these. And for all that misery u brought, I thank you