erase

For Sarah

this is the last time I am THIS childish to solve an problem online. I don't talk to someone who is still alive by writing about the person on my blog. I could have just called to speak it out. However, I am terrified to hear your voice once more.

Most likely, you won’t. ‘cuz yeah, if you cared that much, you would not have done all THAT without realizing it.

But if you ever turn around, and try to find me, there is one thing I am sure.
You will no longer be able to see me, with my teary eyes, awaiting your final realization how much your lies hurt me.

Because this time, I will be the one, who will take THE turn to have my back against you and I will be the one, who will take THE first step, away from we once stood.

So now it is like this. I accept my fate and I am not fighting it any more. It is so tiring, to fight against a planned suicide, an inborn obnoxious nature, your 180 degree change all the time. After a great battle, wounded and exhausted, I could not bring myself to care for you just the same… Till my last breath, the only thing I can remember is my misery, which was constructed by you, who refused to make my life less difficult.

So here we go, no happy ending needed, no need for a reconstruction of a fated unfortunate event. Off you go. Away and away, gently and quietly I let you slip from my embrace… Just like that… easy breezy… So just like that, I let you go… So even if we never have a chance to see each other again, it is more beautiful this way. We can remember how we were once to one another, the good old days… not the long drawn, depressing fight both of us put up.

I am not angry about the current status of our relationship. I am not pleased. I am not upset. More or less I am indifferent. Just like that, accepting, thinking hurts my chances, and I intend to last. If being with you stand in my way, I am afraid… Just like that, I will walk over it, without a tear.

Finally I understand the feeling of someone who walks away.
I walk off, today, not to hurt you, not to make you cry or make your life miserable.
But more to make me not to be hurt by you, not to cry because of you, not to be in any mess created by you.
I cannot control what you feel and how you actually react
Too much drama! I am sick of it. sick to the core
I cannot also control what you would do to me.
Again and again.

However, I cannot let my life be messed up again and again by a decision you insisted. Cannot let my happiness and stability be at the mercy of your self-destruction nature.

So please, let me walk off not hearing you cry or feel sorry about us. I am pleased it ends. And if our paths ever cross, I mean it sincerely, please do not acknowledge our acquaintance.

For I pressed erase today.
I mean it when I actually blocked you from my MSN (just as you challenged me, you NEVER thought I would do that, huh? I did. Not today but years back when I found out you were and are and will never be trustworthy.)
I mean it when I deleted your phone number, contact and everything that possesses traces of you as my friend. I ignore your invitation as friend on my facebook, if you haven't been aware of that.
I mean it when I told you, over the phone, please don't call me again. I really do mean it. So if you are in love, be happy for yourself. If you get great score, celebrate it yourself. For now, I declare my eternal (oh, I can't use this word cuz I am not gonna live forever like you) so from now till my last breath: I am indifferent to you or anything related.

I can't thank you enough for the list of things you said you overcame to make sure his letter reached me. It was not easy for me to get it, of course. From emotional, the long drawn struggle to beg, beg and beg you to give me the letter that belongs to me made me emotionless. I appreciate your good intention, if there truly is. Maybe I am ignorance of the pain you actually went through to cover up for him, to protect me. Well, we misunderstand each other from the start. I wanted the truth. You could not be true. We wanted different things therefore we should not walk the same path.

I believe, you will treat this as an insult. The first time I talked to you in sec3, I insulted you. So this, the last time I directly talk about you, if you see this as an insult, I will not defend myself. I hope you will loath me enough after reading this to give me your final blessing: the life, from this moment onward without your presence, not even traces of your existence again.

you really know how to make people wish they had not known you.

right now

right now
I am with, yet without another breathing existence in my room.
right now
my luggages are unpacked, bed is made, books are placed on the shelf

right now
I want to take a nap...
Poured out things I stored for the past 3 weeks while I was in hospital. Things unsaid, letter unburned, tears un-shed...

right now
I am empty... Like a a child with spotless memories of pain.

right now
F5, pressed. Here I go again.
With nothing, yet eager to reclaim everything that should be mine, and would be mine

I am not unhappy
And I am happy about it.

.......................................

I do miss home, and mom.
I think of her every now and then... It was just yesterday she still hugged me in her arms, and we talked for hours and hours about ridiculous stuffs, from boys to toys and of course serious plan like my future.
I know i will be happy and loved. For she believes in me, I believe in myself. When all things fall apart, I know she will be there, standing with her warm smile and her gentle eyes. Not lending me a hand, she will watch me rebuilding my shattered paradise, for she knows I can do it, with my tiny childish hands.

.......................................

right now
I am breathing.

.......................................

Shouldn't we feel glad?
And appreciate this chance to live?
Even if there is no tomorrow, I am still grateful for the hours left, today.

.......................................

About me
I am smiling.

thank you for the memories

The thing I like most about a typed diary or a typed letter
Is that
They less complicated
I also hate them the most.
They are emotionless and impersonal
They leave no trace, whatsoever of such thing
as an emotional moment,
in another word,
weakness as dried tears, trembling or over pressed handwriting.
No trace of a reconstruction of truth.
No cross no trace of what was said then regretted.
No trace of what might be the TRUTH

For beggar cannot be chooser, I accept what is given.
Yet I learn from the best I type my emotion down. ..........................................................

For Aricin,
Thank you for the memories
1. our first love letter, which was typed, unsent personally and un-signed which is also our last. I could not believe it, but I did it, as the final gift for you. There was no tear, just as you wish, just a smile, the true one you love, from my heart, not from my lips.
2. my last fairy tale, which was edited into some trying-hard-to--have-a-happy-ending story, you know what, you did not have to do it. You really did not. I knew what I got myself into from the start. I knew you were not going to be able to keep your promise, and I made a decision to love you regardless.
3. ...
4. ...
...
1000. ...

thank you for the memories. Though there was more pain than happiness, though there were more separation: physically and mentally than togetherness, though there was more depression and heartbreak than joy, I do not regret devoting my heart to you for the past 2 years.

I wrote to you, the final letter, which will never ever be published, or read by the third party. I am done having someone interfering our relationship. I wrote it as if ink, my blood were running out of my heart. I guess by this moment in time, you should have received it, understood me and felt glad for us. Somewhere in heaven, I believe you know, how angry I was, how frustrated I was, and how determined I am now to clear my head, empty my heart, and move on.

You can stop watching over me, or replying on someone you trust to watch over me (I don't see why they should, they would or they need to). You misunderstood me from the start. I am someone who cares for, not someone to be cared for in the eyes of anyone else but you.

I want to fall down, I want to bleed. At least in that manner I learn to walk the proper way.
I want to get slapped so I learn how to slap back reality
I want to be betrayed by best friends, so I learn who to trust and who not to…
THIS IS THE KIND OF IDIOTIC LIFE I WANT TO LEAD

I did not need you to protect me. You are not my bloody body guard.

You were my boyfriend.
You were the one I loved

.....
As you said your final goodbye, I now say mine.
Now you are free. from me. from a relationship which was empty on your side. I won't drink up that glass of water you poured. But I can't possibly carry it around, being afraid 24/7 to lose one drop or two. In my secret garden where I planted a seed more than 2 years ago, hoping we could both grow it into a fruitful tree... I poured it down. So there our memories remain, strong in the grass, strong in the flowers, strong in the soil...
.....

I loved you.
goodbye.

Happy ending

About us.
ummm... no, about me, who has changed
........................................
“This is the way you left me… I am not pretending, no hope, no love no glory, no happy ending”
As I walked, the rhythm of Mika’s “happy ending” kept playing again and again in my head. So “this is it”. I breathed in, disbelieved, astonished, weary…eventually, when I was about to give up, defying my emotion, I realized: anger. It was anger that filled my soul. I wondered why I felt this way. I wonder why I can no longer be the same person I was. I wonder where she went, the girl who cried her eyes out, down on her knees begging for the final letter, something that by right, belonged to her.

Why can I never be her again, My Linh of 18?

Maybe she cried too much, she can no longer read your letter.

Maybe she was hurt too much, her heart forgot what it was like… to feel

Maybe she had had enough all the nonsense, all the despicable lies, and complicated plots which she would never ever able to understand. So she reached out for that number of pills that he could not finish and took them in: one by one, day by day for the past two years. All the lies, the empty promises that were told to her by a “trustworthy” friend of his poisoned her, day by day. She waited for a dead person to return, knowing too well he wouldn’t. She waited for a letter, the final pill that will finish her, so she can wander under the sky and gaze upon the boy she loved. She cried herself to sleep, hoping she can see him. She took up murderous amount of responsibilities at school… For what? Simply to make sure, she would not have time to think of him. She could never look at another guy and feel attracted. Whoever stands in front of her for the past 2 years is merely a being to her, a non-gender acquaintance. Whoever asks for her hands, whether, for eternity or for a dance knows the bitterness of her ruthless and heartless rejection. No red roses are accepted, no soft toys are wanted. Losing him means much to her, in many ways, she died with him, inside. Romantic and kind? Passionate and innocent? She killed herself.

So I knew the email would arrive at 8 p.m., knowing pretty well, the person who would send it was always late. I did not check mail even when she miscalled me. And when she did, I breathed in, again, wondering if this was the end, the final note, the final message, the final goodbye. To my own amazement, I carried on with MY life, finished the chore, made sure the participants of Pre-U Sem have their meals, drinks, go to bed… I carried on with MY life. Yes, this is MINE, my duty, my role as a councilor, as the group leader, as a student, as a daughter of my parents. When was the last time, I had this special position, as his girlfriend, as his? I don’t know, I could not remember for once being an ordinary girl in love, waiting for him to come, tapping her fingers on the table restlessly… I could only recall my misery, from which I grew up. As my inaccurate memory faded, I learned to carry on…. Just like that, for a moment, for a while, I forgot the letter was waiting for me… I waited for it for 2 years and 2 months. Now I have it…

I could not bring myself to read it.

The letter.

I thought I would die for it.
However, I remember accepting that I gave it up. I did not know for that fraction of time, my life changed totally. Being threatened, insulted…, being asked to tell filthy lies that benefited no one but the gambler, being asked to betray my own principles. Maybe I disappointed him, for the first time in my life time of loving him; I placed myself above the one I loved.

Strange as it seemed, I sat down when the clock ticked midnight, informed her that this will be our final conversation for I did not wish to have any further interference to my relationship with him. I started to read.

The poem

The fairy tale

And stop

I closed the borrowed laptop, returned to the laundry room and pressed the buttons. I talked to mom and dad with a brief mention of the letter, Ruam, my true best friend with much screaming and shouting my anger out and sent Ferina a text without any mention of the letter, ignoring the phone call from the complete stranger.

Until this moment, I haven’t been able to bring myself to read the whole letter.
I had SAT that coming morning, thus I could not risk tearing out my heart again. So I printed the letter out, put it on my bed… “gonna read it before u sleep”… another plan which I could not fulfill for I did not sleep the whole night, doing last minute work.

Until this moment, I haven’t read the letter.

I don’t think I will any soon

‘Cuz I do not know how to stop, this machine that keeps me alive for the past 2 years… I do not know how to stop, counting the amount of work that has to be done…

Maybe one moment in time… I will sit down and read…

How could we both love one another so much yet end up hurting each other so badly? A moment of happiness, as compared to years of misery… I believe our love was worthy but what angered me was our selfishness. We are both selfish. You, being so determined to leave me, knowing so well you would never be able to keep that promise of eternity, understanding clearly that you would not leave me anything behind, no happy ending, not even a concrete trace of your existence, were still greedy and took my heart away. I thought I loved the way you loved me. I thought I accepted the fact that you were barely around. Actually, I did, now I don’t. I changed because I am eventually exhausted. On the other hand, I, knowing perfectly well there was nothing I could do to keep you, understanding perfectly well that my love for you which could have not have the power to ease your physical pain or take away your troubles would only made it more complicated and painful for you to embark on your planned departure, was still selfish enough to insist on possessing your heart. So I had to pay for my wrong deed, my selfishness and stupidity. Once I asked myself if I would do this all over again, and what angered me even more was my unconscious and immediate answer YES. I wished you had not gotten stuck with me. Since you would leave no matter what, not knowing me would lessen your eternal burden.

If you could see me know, the grotesque monster you have left on earth when you soared to the sky… I blame you not but am indeed thankful to you.

Now I know, there are not only two extreme polar of emotions sorrow and happiness… There lies outside this flat plane, the third dimension, the vacuum of numbness, indifference… of the ice box where my heart once beats. I read only parts of your letter.

You are right.

You are always right.

I did not cry reading it, not even a little bit.

What for? A thousand words won’t bring you back… I know, ‘cuz I had tried
Neither will a million tears, I know… ‘cuz I had cried

........................................

What happens to un-cried tears?
They flow inward… back to the core of the heart.
In that coldness of the controlling mind, salty water freezes, like an ice box, trapping the heart inside.
........................................

...I am glad it happened. I am glad there was an "us".
I am glad.

Serendipity

Serendipity... till we meet one another

I may have to travel thousands miles... walk cross 107 streets... meet countless of strangers... I may have to cry another ocean of tears... before I finally meet you, my love, the final guy who will wipe away the final tear, have the final dance and say the final vow.

It takes courage to be single, not to be with someone for the sake of having someone... but being with someone because you truly love the person.

it is not as if I enjoy my solitude... I endure loneliness with dignity, holding on to this torch in my heart... till the day your image is no longer blur but clear in my eyes...

Forgive me, if somewhere on this earth, you are suffering... Forgive me, if some moment in time, you need me and I am not there for you. I am in pain if you are. I will make it up for you, by loving you the rest of my life.

Serendipity.

I live each day, thinking... maybe there we may meet, in a perfectly unexpected corner of the road...

Serendipity.

I breath each day, thinking ... maybe one day fate will be on my side, giving me the final and the utmost beautiful gift of my life... you.

Serendipity.

till we meet... till he can finally rest in peace, for you, will take my hand and watch over me.

Life is amazing, isn't it... For this perfect stranger that you walk pass today on the street may be the person you can't live without. I keep thinking how beautiful life is and smile.

I saw this painting one day while searching for a wallpaper of u-know Yunho (DBSK). This faceless guy standing in the middle of no where... looking as he has been waiting for someone for a good part of his life captures my attention immediately.

Serendipity.

Life can be just like that, full of surprise. It is a present, a beautiful gift that I receive each day, just for living and having faith in myself.

I am 20 and more than a week old. I love someone from the past, still loving him every breath I take though he was not the right one. I guess I would not know love if I did not go through so much,loved that much and lost that much. For after all, I learn to appreciate life for every moment can be our last heart beat...

cut open my aching wood...just to open up my heart, once again...


About my life
Recently, I keep watching over Vanessa, praying that she will soon be OK. What does it mean by being OK? Was I ever OK? I mean... After 2 years, now for the 1st time I finally allow myself to accept the idea of moving on in relationship. I want her to be loved. I want her to be treasured. However, I never want her to forget all the pain she is suffering now... for thx to them, she matures and grows up. God, you are the one she truly believes in.... Please guide her, show her your love and forgive her mistake...
When i think of me and religion... there is one thing which is pretty strange. I do attempt to talk to God, many times, praying in a sense... But never once I ask Him anything for myself. I am perfectly cursed and may go to hell for being a non-believer. May be this is the path of life I chose to take, and I will have to pay for it. I just want my beloved not to suffer.

20 and a plus

I am grateful...
For every single birthday wish I get today... I am grateful for the friends I made, the people I care about. Thank you for remembering... a girl was born on this day 20 years ago, with so much hope, dreams...

(gonna edit soon... for this) exhausted now

Counting down

1000...
...
99
...
10
...

I am counting down. The days, the hours, the minutes, the seconds...
I am counting down. The strangers, the acquaintances, the friends...
...

The numbers gets smaller and smaller every time I count, there is less time till the next test, there are fewer true friends... Yet when I think about it today, the last moment of my teenage life, I am not any depressed or regretful... For I know, those last moments are the most precious, those last friends standing are the truest.

I knew what I was doing. At last.

Today i officially got the offer to work as a group leader for a children summer camp. It's not just any camp but a global event that takes places in more than 60 countries. I was filled with happiness and eagerness. Of all the applicants, they chose none and yet, just after a random conversation with me, the CEO said, to him, I am the one. When I turned him down. I knew I was going to wish I could clone myself, half study for Prelim and half working as a motivator for children.

An incident struck me today. Asher was crying, running all over the place looking for his mom... the poor child lost his way in this tiny hostel which I call home. Yet no one, no big sisters from the 2nd floor ran toward him to make sure he was ok. They sit there and STARED. As if those strangers' eyes can do anything to make the child feel better not to mention, frightened him. I was angry with the juniors who walked pass pretending NOTHING happened. As I hugged him in my arms and comfort him, Fanie, calling his dad and mom, Asher stopped sobbing after a while.. "Let's look for mommy". How is Alex today? Gosh, I wish I could tell him that I miss him, his golden curly hair, his bravery and childishness. My god-brother. Alex, he waited for me to bring home THAT GUY who dared challenge his painting and skating skill. . . I never keep my promise.

I am turning 20, in a few second. Responsibilities is NOT a burden, it is an honor. For all those people who look upon u and entrust themselves to u, they must have this strong belief in your potential.

Turning 20, I wonder when can I be a child again? Maybe, only in mother's arms. I truly miss home.