My first

You are the first to my many things
My first bus-ride in America, something I love but never got to do
My rollerskating lesson, something I am fascinated by, but never got to learn

The first shoulder I slept on, barely asleep but tremendously nervous
...
What Future beholds for us? I don't know.
Right now, I am on a bus - and you are with me
All that I care.

This time...

This time, I will not think of 5, of 10, of 20 years ahead and wake up in cold sweats fearing for the future that has yet to come.

This time I will not try to make you promise, or tie your wings down with a crimson string.

This time, I will not try to analyze, or read between the lines, or complicate anything above and beyond what it is

---

This time, I just want to be with you - this moment, the presence an enjoy the gift of life given to me, without the fear of tomorrow, or the future.

This time, I just want to walk aimlessly - wander! dance in the rain! chase the wind ... and laugh wholeheartedly with you.

This time, I would like to be fair to my heart and for once, follow its call.

Thank you for being here.
With me.
Now.

Immune

He slipped away at the peak of his youth and I watched my worst nightmare coming to life. At the age of 18, there wasn't much I could do to salvage him. But now at the age of 23, shouldn't I be more confident? Shouldn't I already have gotten over my trauma? Why am I so troubled?


Not for a Sport

You don't break people
open
Cut them deep
Kick them where it hurts - the most
for a sport.

You don't say it - because it
hurts
just for the sake of proving you're
right. You don't just
inflict pain for a sport. Just, don't!

-----

To be able to read people, see their pain and sorrow beyond their smile is a gift... If you are not going to be there to catch them when they fall, then don't - don't push them off the edge.

Use your gift wisely. . .

-----

I literally have no idea what to do with you, my dear. I have no plan, no strategy. My "magic" doesn't work on you - you just don't LET it happen. I don't know what to do with myself either.

5 years - you think 5 years would make a difference, 5 years should make a difference. But why.don't.I.see.any.difference? At the age of 18, I watched my worst nightmare coming to life in vain. Now at the age of 23, shouldn't I be more confident? Shouldn't I already have gotten over my trauma? I am still dumbfounded and clueless. The 19 year old you aren't the 19 year old him - why oh why, all that I see is the jarring similarity between you two?


Life gives me a second chance. You are here for a reason. Don't walk around breaking down walls that people spend years to build for a sport. I will not give up on you, more so on us.

I am not going down without a fight.

...And tears run dry

My body convulsed into excruciating sob.

I clutched my sweaters, in the fear that my shattered heart pieces would find its escape out of my chest.

Ah... woman are like that.

 Mother once said: a woman can sell her soul for her children, die for husband, but she will go mad for a chance to be loved wholeheartedly.

And the tears of women in love, never run dry.

-----

October withers and Fall is dying, November is far out of reach - where have I been?

Here I am

Running away, I've tried
10 countries and 32 cities in one summer
Countless of people I met. Countless of faces I observed. Countless of names I whispered - just so I can drown away the thought of you.
Countless of adventures I embarked, who can count the number of miles I walked by? The vast sky and oceans I crossed - just so I wouldn't find the compass of my heart pointing your way.

I know they won't work, they didn't last because I have tried. Eventually, it happened this way. After a summer,  we met - a brief embrace that lasts no longer than 3 second. . . I am back to the vulnerable girl, whose heart longs to you.


----------------------

Your image was imprinted in my brain like a tattoo. And even when I close my eyes, trying to put my longing to rest, all I could see is you. I could not put it into words - this strange emotion that drives me off the edge on a regular basis. Until now, I am still wondering how this all happened, how I ended up here at this moment in time - entrapped in my own misery of an unrequited love.

Your paths collide at the wrong time in my life. I know it will never be right. I know I have broken so many rules (silly rules I created for myself, to govern my heart) because of you.

You are oblivious to the point of cruelty. . . and I am paralyzed here in this mess of self-created drama not knowing where to go next, what to do next. There is no future for us, you don't love me, not to mention love me enough to rewrite our destinies for one another. I wonder why oh why, I long for someone I cannot have, I should not have.

I am not searching for an answer - for I know it does not matter. One morning I wake up, the idea of us will fade. I will vaguely remember the pain that seems to be killing me today. One morning I wake up, and us

us

we are already history . . .

So I will wait. . .

Eun-oh to Arang:

"Long time no see. Where were you all day yesterday? The best you can do is avoiding me? I've tried it myself and it doesn't last.
The love I confessed to you, I will not take it back. Instead, I will wait, since you are the type of persons who do things when they please."

----

You can't take back love, or the love confessions you made. So hold on to that bit of sincerity and bravery in your heart to wait. . . Just hang in there.

our song

somewhere down the road, when our memories fail us, when you are no longer able to recall the foreign name of mine - please be sure, that I am just glad in the tales you tell your children, or a random stranger in the park:

I was "this girl" whom you used to know, "this girl" who in that particular moment in time loved you a lot and so so very much. . .
"this girl" who made an impact in your life.

if it is a burden, leave out my name, but remember :)
remember our song