when you are finally here

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I always tell myself, that day I will allow myself to cry my eyes out.
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that
day
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when you are finally here.
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all these years of holding on, letting go, growing up... all these pains that I muffle with my pride, one day, when you are finally here,... I will be able to say it all, cry them out - I will be able to walk down the street with feather steps - rest my burdened heart. I will stop being the wonder woman I am not. To love, to care, to be loved, to be cared for. I still believe, no matter what, that day will come.
.
. what takes you so long?

April showers! Bring me fowers

...down pours the rain - the memories of love, remain

It's been 3 months with odds since Fatty's death. Things still go on, I wake up every morning - breathing evenly, I go to school, do homework, attend meetings - cry once in a while for no rhyme or reason in the middle of no where, and then I wipe all my tears away - like nothing happens.

'Cuz nothing happens, nothing actually happens. Come April showers, bring me spring flowers. The merciless cycle of life and death. Today, I am drenched in the cold rain, with my hair royally fucked up and my notes soaked. Winds still blow and cruel scoring sun still dries away everything under the sky like nothing Just happened. Nothing happens or had happened 'Cuz no matter how much I cry, life still goes on as if I haven't lost someone I love, someone dear. So I don't make it a public scene anymore. 'Cuz no one freaking really cares a part of me dies along with their departure... No one knows behind the closed door, in the rain, on her way back in pitch dark, a young girl took off her tough mask wearily and let her tears fall.

April Rain.

It's not the first time I could not say goodbye to the one I love. After Aricin's death, comes grandma's sudden departure - and Fatty slipped away in pain. My Fatty suffered so much before he slipped away, so much that my heart shatters at the mere memories of our last farewell. He was being coy and did not come to say goodbye to me when I was leaving for America. I told him - "As if you are that special" and left. He walked up stair in silence. The darkness swallowed him - I was breathless for a moment but I did nothing... I left, not knowing the next time I could see him was through Skype, he could barely stand up, barely breath, barely eat anything or drink. But stand up he did, crawled toward the computer where he could hear my voice more clearly... Mom said he could have another day or two... December 26, 2010 at roughly 2pm Vietnam time, eternally he rests, my Fatty, my love, my "master of the house". Mom and dad sent Fatty to grandmother. Dad took half day off, driving in the December rain to bring Fatty to his last home on earth. I wasn't there. 
I
Was
Not
There

April Rain.

And the days slowly creeps in ... gentle reminder that Aricin had been gone for so so long. 4 years. I turned 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 soon without him. I grow older than Aricin, when he passed away at the age of 19. I have so much more to give, so much more to live for - so I bite my lips and press on. Whenever someone tells me it's impossible, that I cannot do it, that this is off my reach, I bites my lips again and press on. For the girl, loved by Aricin, will never be a quitter - she will create miracle and nothing less than perfection. Fearless as I seem, I am scared of free time, scared of nothingness, scared of having that much freedom on my own. I am scared that without fail, my heart goes back to the grave I left my love rest in peace years ago. 

April Rain.
The merciless cycle of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring goes on. When April rain comes, I know it's time ... The memories relieve. Like dead flowers of the yester-year, new love springs up from the grave of the past. I wonder, still wonder, that one day when my heart learns to love again, will I still cry whenever April comes and leaves? Will I still remember how Aricin's departure changed me forever? How I learn to let go of everything dear - the last lesson he taught me, taught me really well?

So here I kneel, in the memories of grandmother, my guardian angel, bless me with strength and will power. She who knew loneliness. She who lived 43 years of her life in the remembrance her husband, her lover, her life knew longing and strength, and loyalty and everything that I admire. Bless me with your wisdom - it's April, grandmother, and I should not lie: I miss him so...

the fridge's story

It's been a while since I last wrote. 

I wonder if you still check on my blog (the decaying one, the abandoned one) - I had always been very hurtful and sour. I never thought you would bother - you always seemed too cool and oblivious. But that was a mask - a lock that I could not decode. When you finally broke down and told me how painful my words pierced right through you, I was stunned. I did not mean to pain you. So:

I did not write anymore. Somehow, some way, I could not do it - intentionally hurting you. So I quit for a long while - that could have been the period I spent the most time of my life with myself.  :) I started collecting my own thoughts and stuff them all in this tiny *ar inside my heart. There must be a crack somewhere, I do not know, but whenever I open that precious treasure of mine, all the pain already vanish. Ah... maybe this is how he used to do it. I tell myself so, I still remember your eyes reflecting the summer blue sky - At some point, I wonder why you kept reading it, why you did not tell me that you cared. But would it matter? 

It was the past. This story is no longer about you or anyone else, but a fridge - MY fridge.

So here is the deal :) I bought my 1st fridge with my very own 1st pay check in America. it was $129 with a freezer inside. I was given a small red rice cooker with steamer. :) Nothing much, you may laugh but somehow, I think I am ready for the world. Baby steps, I know - I am living on my own for the first time and this very thought is not that frightening. I should not dramatize it too much 'cuz I figure out it's part of growing up. Still it's a challenge. I am going to live well. 

There is still laundry to be done and applications to fill in :) So I am gonna stop my entry very soon. 

It's a $129 fridge but it's mine - I kept looking at it since last night when I put it together on my own. trying to figure out how it worked. I can tell you right now that I am indeed proud. 

You should be happy for me. I know you are. 

We may not love each other the way the other person wants to - or the way love should be defined but I know we would never wish anything but the best for the other person. For that I am grateful. April is coming and April has always been hard for me. But as I look at my fridge sitting proudly on one side of the room right now, I think I will make it :)

I am really happy here - as happy as I can be

as the violin dies

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i die within
and here within this tiny deluded world I create, there prevails a glamorous rainbow

"come over" - you called out for me

I heard your voice, but step I did not - for tears of heaven I fear, so here I stay
in this warm sunshine of my earthly pleasure.

"Don't cry for me"

I - at least - no matter how foolish, pathetically foolish me - will always see the bluest, most glorious shade of sky even when darkness collapses onto my shoulder. Don't you know I have been blind? Tears blurred my vision away - What I see now is only the collection of carefully selected memories of what once was my happiest day under the sun.

"Don't feel sorry for me"

I - at the most - would cry a river on my way back from the 8 (freaking) pm class or 11 (freaking) pm meeting, in freezing winter breezes. At the very most, I would hide myself under the blanket and let my emotion take over. For no one is supposed to share these private moments I barely have with the facade of you...

Life is like this.
and so it is...
the violin dies
but there... somewhere here on earth, the music begins.
I'm only at the very start of our separation
Maybe I will never learn to smile truly
Maybe I will be able to laugh wholeheartedly tomorrow
Ultimately there is no such thing as a perfect farewell

will you wait for me?

of grades and life

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you know what I hate the most?
- I hate the B+ the most.

It's not a C - aka Can't-do-this kinda grade. Somehow, it's so much better if it is because a B++ = the half-ass or last minute effort of someone who has the full potential of being an A grade student but fall short because of his/her lack of determination.

and I... I have detested myself for a good 13 years of education for never doing my best in my academic life as much as I could.

you know what I no longer want to see?
- I no longer want to see that 89 mark on my paper.

It's a B++++ but could not reach the A-. It's me in a nutshell - the girl who always comes second because she never has the greed to come 1st. But isn't it a waste, to be an overall B++/A---  student all along? To be the best friend but not the lover, to be the taken for granted?

Yes it is, and I no longer want to live like this anymore!

the Last letter

four letters were sent out of Ashland, Oregon today

- one of which bore an address of a friend that I will henceforth let go

it wasn't hard to pen down my wishes for her in years to come. A friend who was there for me in need, would always be someone I treasure. It wasn't hard as well, to come to this decision without pain. I guess, at the age of 21 (going on 22) - I have learned to accept this cycle as the matter of fact - we meet and shall part in due time. It's too tiring to hold on - and I do not practice, not to mention, master the art of unconditional love. It's only regretful that I could not bring myself to tell her "This is the last letter." But I guess, she wouldn't mind - how can you really "mind" over something you no longer care about.?

so today I walked down to the post office, purchased that 98 cent international stamp :) paid  $1.12 instead, pealed off the first layer and sticked 3 stamps on top of the red envelop. It had already been decided, yet still, I felt that breathless moment when the letter slipped out of my finger tips and disappeared inside the yellow mail box... 

it's time, dear love, farewell

venture to the world beyond! taste sadness and enrich your life with true tragedy and beauty

Let's meet when our paths crossed once more. 

till then, be well

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-untitled-

차갑게 안아줘 세상에 맞서야 해

Hug me coldly. I must face the world.

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I detest myself, whenever I treasure someone who mindlessly walks over my affection. I have never been the kind of person who would say sorry for a crime, convicted unanimously. But then I did, because you were more important than my pride. I regret it

so

much

Dignity - I should not have forgotten

my identity

I will lose it all, if I trade off my dignity

you are not worthy of my dignity

you are not, and no one is.