for Fatty, the master of the house

it was a cat and you give it a name

it was a cat and you shower it with love - for the love it returns was no less, perhaps more than you could ever imagine

... and before you know it, there is no longer a cat, a dog, an ob_ect

he then has a name, a meaning, a space in your heart. 

And you suddenly wonder how ridiculously hard at first it was to let him in your heart, to open the door and greet him with warmth 

this is the story of a cat who became Fatty, U' and above all, this is the story of the very special one I love.

For you Fatty, my dear 

your elegy

---

when that particular cat came to my family, it was white, skinny and scared. That was all I could remember. For an only child like me, who never had a pet before, this experience was as new. I remembered we sat in front of one another. It stayed in second floor, hid behind the chair and stole one or two glances at the unfamiliar house - while I crossed my legs, sat on the floor, reached out my hands with hesitance. We were both scared of scratches and unkindness. We were both worried about re_ection. What was the difference? Fatty and I? We were two kids who desired love from the other party 

when that particular cat came into the family - we never knew how much we learned to open our heart, to love, to care. However, now looking back, it was not what we give but what we received from him that makes us all the better people. He would always wait till the last member of the family go to sleep before he truly drifted into the lala land. He would guard the house, scare strangers off and watch out for mom's wallet - which made me wonder if Fatty had an identity crisis, an illusion of him being a dog. He would crawl into my laps and let me hold him for a longer while, till I stopped crying, till I miss my particular some one less, till the pain that was weighing down my heart subsided. He would do hundreds and million things that annoyed the craps out of me. But every single thing that he made me a little too dramatically upset is every single gigantic thing I would miss and long for.

We could make him stay, but the doctor estimates, Fatty cannot hold on any much longer. Thinking about the needle and the pain he's suffering and our selfish longing, the imprisoned love -  we decide to let him go. Once again, we all realize that Fatty has taught us the most valuable lesson of all: to love with all our heart, but when it's the right time. we should let go.  So Mom's watching every breath he takes now... cuz every breath he takes can be his last. 'Cuz tomorrow when dad comes home from work, he would be greeted with an empty house. And in the future, when I return from the States, no matter how hard I call out his name: Fatty will no longer rush down the stairs, miss a few steps, land on his butt, make me laugh, stick all his white hair on my black coat... I would not be able to say with confidence: "Fatty will scratch your face off" to all those people I dislike very very much as if Fatty is my guardian angle. He would not be able to do every single little thing we love and hate about him. 

 I will remember today, December 24th, when I captured the last picture of fatty through Skype. it was blurry and he was too weak to stand up and walked near the laptop, too weak to mess up the keyboard and type whatever like usual. My mother has already arranged for his departure once he decides to go to the other side of the world. Fatty will rest next to grandma - so he will be loved even in heaven.

Because after all, it was no ordinary cat. He was no ordinary cat. He was Fatty. and for the simple fact that he was Fatty, he made everything different. He completes our family, in an unique way no one and nothing can.

Because we love him and he became Fatty. and Fatty - he, was the master of the house, the younger brother of mine, the dear kid mom and dad go home for when I am away, the perfect companion when i cry... he was everything we ever wanted - and someone who held this family so close so dear together.

I wonder if we love him because he was Fatty or he was Fatty because we love him

but it doesn't matter, dear :) even when you are not around anymore, you don't vanish. As long as mom, dad and I and the thousands of people who know us - know we love you still remember the 10kg white meaniee cat named Fatty - you are still here, in our heart

for Fatty, I pray, for your departure to the other world with ease. 

rest in peace. 

we love you so so so much, it's killing us to ever see you in pain

future

I stop counting the months and days, the hours and second since your departure. It hurts. I made a point to myself that I will talk about you with dignity and pride, with happiness not sorrow, with what we had not what we missed out - the moments together, not the eternity of separation. I remember the first time I did not cry mentioning your name. I remember every tremble of my lips, every ache in my heart - and my pale pale finger tips pressing tight on my skin. 

It was fine. It has been fine and it will be. It came to me as a surprise when I realized this - not too long ago: I no longer fear death. It was not about the pain, not about what is left behind, but rather, I regret the future - beautiful faces I will not have the chance to see, love I will not have the chance to experience, life as the whole I do not have the chance to cherish. I wonder if you ever thought about the possible future. And in my most private moment, I cry. 

I don't miss you in the rain, in loneliness or in fear. I miss you the most when the sun shines gorgeously casting magic spells that set fire to my desire. I want to soar. I miss you the most when I am on top of the world, when I am proud and happy. I wish you were here - now - experience this - LIFE - as it is - first snowflake touching the tip of my nose - first summer rain drop signalling the long holiday - Ashland in Halloween - and I - me, grown up yet not forgetting my dream - my love. I never forget you.

I miss you the most, when I am in class with my students, whose eyes sparkle - I miss you the most when one of my autistic learners came to me after class and asked if it was OK that he read me his poem - and before I could say YES, YES, YES PLEASE - he already finished all the lines. I miss you so much then, when I am close to tears of happiness. 

I wish you had seen this future - my presence and chose to stay. 

It would have been really nice, I guess.

would have been perfectly wonderful

to fight anything and everything for the future - for this chance of kissing through the pain.

my hands are cold, dear. and it's cold outside. how have you been?

ash land

ash   land

i travel to the place where never once your name's heard.
i whisper the sound
Y-O-U
breathless
- my secret treasure
I hold dear

hush
not too loud
hush
just enough
to keep me going
the howling path
these tiny feet, firmly pressed against the earth
i know where i am going
why i am here
why we are apart
hush
just enough
to preserve your pure ignorance
the determined road
your dignified steps, firmly mark the ground
you are sure where you are heading
why you must leave
but no...
you willl never know
why I let you go

---

i travel to the land where our love's a fairy tale
where all faces - a pleasant surprise, all smile - a genuine bliss
where no past memories haunt
where "us" don't exist
only me... and my cherished story
of the modern tragic ending
kept in a locker
whose key's
eternally
lost

W

someone... please

please teach me how to hold my tears listening to W
Teach me how to suppress these emotions welling up
Teach me how to shatter those waves of negative thoughts, prevent them from drowning me in despair...

please teach me to listen to their new songs, without unconsciously searching for the voices of the missing members
Teach me how to look at Jae without wondering where his "glow" had faded to
Teach me how to numb the pain in my heart staring at his blank face.

someone please.

I want to love them easy, love them pure, love them reckless
...
but today, I still cry - too easily... "keep in mind that I love you"
I am clueless, and I am tired.
and these heartaches only make me realize - how much I truly love DBSK



W: on play back - cut me open, cut me raw

#"too" - 1."too"long

"too" is never good

1. "too long" - I have been gone for too long, I forget how I could be so desperately missing you

There were those good long-gone days: we used to talk, to share stupid silly stories of our days, how I snobbishly hated the sound of bad English, how you snobbishly hated those people who came from that huge huge crowded land... You used to laugh at me and my flickish nature, about the fact that I was so obsessed with wedding dresses... You used to make that joke that I could not wait to get married - I was barely 16,  but when it came out of your lips, it hurt somehow. somehow, I couldn't handle that picture of the future you painted: the vast desert we would walk together just so another girl would wait for you at the oasis and I would be left abandoned behind.

but then, it was all past story. We "used to" - it means now we don't, we are not doing it anymore and chances are, we will never do it again.

I did not mind walking till the end of the world with you. What did I need? I was that young, that blinded and that naive. How I hate the fact that I  then did Lit. How I hate the fact that I automatically read between the lines, even when I do not want to. How I hate the fact that I could not ignore what you unconsciously meant - I know you would never meant to hurt me in any possibly way.

Because you loved me - unconsciously, even when you did never realize that, and even you tirelessly chased pavements, looking for your own shadow. I knew you loved me. And so I waited waited waited not because I was stupid, not as if I did not understand you... but I chose to believe, I chose to keep my faith in you - in the "you" my dear would become, not the "you" you truly were.

Unpredictably, One day we both got tired of this endless game, unrequited love, childish selfishness. I was too difficult, and you wanted things to be easy. We were both coward, afraid to loose one another not knowing we could have it all.

But then I was gone, gone for far too long...

It was supposed to be a month so that my wounded heart would heal. I dragged another few weeks - because it still hurt when I thought of those nonsensical night conversations and the piles of cards on the top of my bed. When the 1 year mark struck me with awe, and my heart still responded to the mention of your name - I knew it would never change. True, we will grow old and get callous - so much so knife could not slide past our stubbornness. Unfortunately, I had gotten too used to the empty space by my side. I had gotten used to cross those miles and miles and dealing with my own misery.

Fatty still had problem with his butt, and I stopped laughing about that poor cat's story. I still loved wedding dress and wedding related world, and I no longer give a damn what people say.

I have gone for too long, away from you, it became a part of my reality: your absence, the fact that you would not be there and I would not need you desperately.

Be well, and cross your miles, see new things and meet new people, love another girl, who must be awesome and worth trading your best friend's life for. When you finally stood at the place on top of those deserted mountains - victory without anyone to share with, when your exhausted legs quited carrying your burden heart and shattered soul across Oxford bumpy lanes, when you watched the morning rise after that sleepless night without anyone's whisper of encouragement on the other side of the line, you would know why...

I love wedding dresses so much


I have gone for too long, I forgot what it was like, to have you to share those parts of my days. Be well, no one dies for not having another someone by their side; no one dies for loosing a precious habit. No one, not you and not me.

Remember, I would only be there if you wanted me too, not because you could not live without me


We both were gone for too long... And I thank you so much, more than you would ever imagine for walking away from me the day I turned my back against you. If you didn't, I would not know this fine world, the one now I am experiencing. I am doing great, and I would love to know you are great too. Can we ever hate one another? From the bottom of my heart, I know the answer. 
too long ago, we were kids

and anything "too" is never good

 side note: Taeyang's Wedding dress is being played in arirang radio at that moment, the moment I finished
this post. I start believing in life's messages for me. It will come, the day, I am in my wedding dress, and you congratulate me! and I would be darn happy and you would be happy for me too. You will see that I look wonderful in wedding dress because I am loved and faithful - and you will understand me, the part of me that a 16-year-old boy could not. Be well, truly, be well.

29Jul09-10: A Year From now

2009-2010

Do you realize it has been a year exact?

Nightmares start every July 29th - in 2009, then 2010, but with despair comes hope and determination, with devastation comes faith in dignity. Since there isn't Rising Sun on my head, I am walking toward the Purple line... I will see you there, Yes, I am meeting you there. 

Definitely, 

You will come back - as 5

And I will be back - as well...

29th July, 2011, let it not be another nightmare

Definitely,

it won't

because they're mine (and I am no longer willing to share)

We sat across the table. Together but apart. My eyes had already darted to another side of the rooftop cafe. Uncomfortable, undesirable, unusual, we both did not see the need to salvage a lifeless conversation. She only needed to see my face in front of hers, but did not want to hear my opinion (bitterly I laughed, pretended to ask myself "why")

The heat was not helping and the fact that I could not find the usual politeness to pretend cheerful and interested only made it worse. She was busy with her facebook, meticulously deleted, untagged, removed contact, wiping away any trace of her previous boyfriend - the once angel now turned bastard, according to her. I was busy with my itouch, reading news regarding DBSK - the last boys that mattered much to me at this moment.

She: You don't write often anymore
Me: huh?
He: I read your blogs
Me: (not dignify her devotion with an answer)
She: All three of them
Me: (reluctant) Thank you. I don't update that often anymore
He: I like them, and the lack of your explained emotion is scary, sometimes, not knowing what you think
Me: Since when you care so much about my emotion (laugh light heartedly) You were always busy with your boy friends
She: Once in a while, when I am single and bored. I like your honest emotion
Me: Don't you think emotions, once crafted, scripted and beautified  are pure fiction?

...

Silence again, and this time, it became worse. Someone hummed a song I knew, and my mind sang along... quietly. I remembered the lyric, I knew the lines, I felt it. Off tune - that's what we were. I caught a note she

She: Read my notes
Me: Where?
She: Facebook
Me: The one you tag half of the world in?
She: Don't be nasty. How is it?
Me: I hate it
She: so many people press "like" you are such a snob
Me: I don't understand those people who go in and "like" someone's breakup. Nor will I ever think highly of those people who publicly insult their ex-boyfriend/ husband/ best friends, you name it. Oh, have I not mentioned those who brag about their branded shopping list - my list of those why-the-f**k-they-wrote-it notes is long.
She: That's why people think you are rude
Me: Rude I am, but I can't pretend to clap. What a wonderful way you insult your boyfriend! - should I comment something like that
She: Whatever

And then while she went on her routine,  meticulously deleted, untagged, removed contact, wiping away any trace of her previous boyfriend. I rolled my eyes again and again at things I saw. I was like that - and I will not lie. I used to write blogs out of anger, used to say things I did not mean to, I used to write when I feel like, let my emotion raw and crude.And of course, the consequence :) I used to hurt so many people in the attempt to clear my head to express myself. We are the same, yet different, me and her - or so I thought. We all wrote something today and in the future regret. But it was me of yesterday and her of today, there is one different. I never went such miles to delete, to erase, tp pretend that it was not there. You can lie to your next boyfriend - the at-the-moment angel but you can't lie to yourself, or so I guess.

She: Brushing teeth int the center of the world, you wrote that?
Me: No, someone stole my password and wrote it in such My-Linh's voice
She: Shut up
Me:....
She: You won't vent your anger anymore in your blog? Never ever?
Me: I won't write impulsively anymore
She: Why?
Me: Because they are mine, and I no longer am willing to share those pieces of my heart to just anyone and everyone. I don't want to make my emotion into Amsterdam whores in red light district, showing intimate flesh for the public to ridicule more than muse. I am sorry if I offended the Holland girls.
She: You are being extreme
Me: No, I just stop being naive - thinking people will understand craps and feel sorry for me. Oh well, how's your new note going?

She never published that new note, or so I recalled. It's been a week and there had been less emotional and depressing facebook status. She retagged her ex-boyfriend in those pictures. I heard they talked and hugged each other cry. I heard they made it up and talked to one another nicely. The last time she talked he wasn't called the sonofabitch anymore.

I breathed evenly even when my blood boiled close to 100 degree. Because they are mine, he-whom I have not yet met- will be mine and mine alone (or so it must be), it gets cloudier and cloudier each day, when I thought about my change. Could it be? One day you wake up, and find your perfect sky is torn, yet you still smile contently? Could it be? One day you wake up to see the reflection in the mirror, the opposite person you once were - yet you don't feel the slightest sorrow ? Could it be?

Yes, I am 21.