in faith I trust

...I am still waiting for the latest news...
Yet somewhere in the bottom of my heart, there is a voice telling me:
...prepare for the worst...
it is not as if it is the 1st time, no matter how matter I pray, I know it is not going to be the last. . .

Again and again, I am beaten in my own game, yet I have not been able to master the art of accepting fate, still not get myself to be prepared for the worst yet. The worst always comes though... Like an unwanted old acquaintance, knocking on the door. "GO AWAY!" I screamed yet little do I know, fate has the master key to every corner of my heart... Deliberately, without fails, she turns things up side down

So today, I will not just let her in anymore.
WHAT NOW? I will greet with FAITH by my side. I trust in them and trust in their friendship, brotherhood as much as I respect them as artists.



6 years together can be thrown away in a blink? I wonder. They are the best ASIAN band I have known so far. I just came to appreciate their talent recently. This can't be the end.Within that short period of time, I became a true Cassiopeia. I will still be, though, no matter what. cuz by my side more than 800 000 Korean and 170 000 Japanese not to mention countless of international Cassiopeia are praying for their unity and future success in this battle against SM Town. For I believe if they fight, it is not among themselves but they fight for the better treatment of all SM artists, esp. the juniors: Super Juniors, SNSD, SHINEe... After all if there is anyone who can create HISTORY, they MUST be DBSK for they are the legend: Gods rising from the East, They are the one and only group that has that power to make things right.

I have faith in them

I pray you'll be alright

I pray you'll be alright

....................................................
So it is just a game of the gods- to give and to take
my life, my love, my passion
to give and to take
And TOOK they DID
again and again

I have had enough, but they are asking for more
what now? what else do I have left?Who else do I have left by my side?
... sometime I am scared of my own self, am I a bad luck?
I dare not love too much, I dare not devote myself too much
Names from the past flash back and forth, what have I done?
It was not easy for me to stay sane.

Those I held dearest to my heart, one by one was taken away.
I am exhausted...

what game is this?
must I name who and what they took from me?

.....................................................
again and again, I am left breathless unable to figure out...
this time round...please don't take this away from me...


... I pray you'll be alright...

that you will be able to stand strong, together, as 5.

<

STRANGE-R

and the last person who saw her teary eyes was a complete stranger

a complete stranger

who knows nothing about her, just another stranger
nothing about the reason why, how come, those big brown eyes were sparkling.
He wanted to ask her something, out of courtesy... curiosity... ?
So he looked into her eyes, with all courage, breathed in

..............................................
I sink into my own imaginary world, the very one that was carved out of the resentment of youth, made-believe tales, freedom and nobility of soul... in another word, madness.

My mp3 player keeps playing the same rock ballad: Thunder, I can't bear to continue hearing Heaven anymore. The violin in the background is just too painful, tearing every bits and pieces that is left unwounded in my heart. Why do I feel this way? I think - I rarely think deep recently - just to make sure I can keep myself sane. back to the point, I think that I am an island. The more he reaches out for me for the comfort of another wounded soul, the more I turn sharp and rude and sarcastic. Must I be this way? I don't think I have to. Just that it is for safety precaution.

I don't want you to sink into me, to intrude my privacy, so I shove "him", the universal address to all the possible attempt, away for he is just nameless being in my alternative reality. Like a land, a castle, a safety nest I hide myself away sometime, for little, or much fantasy. If I don't write out my thoughts, my fictions, if later on in the further road of life I am walking, I cannot become a writer, a novelist; I think I will become a very good liar, I mean, a story teller. Is there such thing? Who knows?

Back to the point, about that land where I feel safe, it is surrounded by a forest. I screamed out in despair: "Don't enter, or else you'll die"

What can I do? In the moment of desperation, he steps in, and stares at me: "What now?" And stabbed I did, wounded him I did, hurt is such a mild word I shall not excuse my crime, I admit them all. One of my female friend heard me over the phone. Thoughtfully she said: "He has a heart too, if you forget" I smiled wearily, I am not that dump, not that stupid, to punch a rock and hurt myself. I am aware of his weakness, his soft side... just to make sure I aim and push him away.


it's for your good
and my sanity


Those who stick around learn a new language: my native tongue. It is my actions that replace my words, filled the deafening silence around me.
1. Putting on my earphone = I really need space/ zone out
2. Glaring = ok, please stop
3. Watery eyes = let me be
4. No response = don't try to press, I am not deaf,I just don't want to talk about it

it's ok, you can be my friend, to care a little and ask not too much about me.
it's ok, you can consider me a best friend even, I will listen, to whatever you say, I care. Just that I don't want to be cared for and I cannot return that purity of soul you pour out. I want not to share the other half, tell my story. What for? I'm leaving, isn't it harder for you? I don't want to start something I have to end

it's ok, perfectly fine you can treat me as a non-gender companion.
but it is NOT ok if you love me, desire to possess me.
'cuz if you love me, you have to love all of my madness, scars and open wounds, misery, erratically obnoxious nature, my over sensitive soul and overwhelming expectation...

...........................................................

And for that, she stares back at him, not in a rude way, just strange, the kind that does not mean to offend you but just to examine your purpose of looking at her. Oh well, what to say, what to expect, she is a "STRANGE-R" from the start.
So he looked away, bad attempt, he mumbled

and she smiled, wearily in triumph, this is bliss, whispered the lonely girl whose loneliness is the result of her inexplicable choice. She sinked in again, drifted to another land with her mp3 still playing the same song like her midnight prayer to those nightmares she faces too often recently.

Thunder, this is not gonna be the soundtrack of her life. She has to snap out! But when and how? When her unconscious mind keeps returning to the same person of the past, "you left me", whispered her, in exhaustion, "why do you keep coming back to me, in my most vulnerable moment?"...

let me be

my prayer

... i thought I did... How innocent! How naive!

I wish I had had the strength I always thought I possessed. To let go, all that I treasured. To reborn from the weakling I was. To walk again and away from the dead end I had been hiding myself. To run toward the sun... To let him go. Sometime I laugh at myself, bitterly: It's pretty funny when we come to think about it. We often act high and mighty: OH, I will let him/you/ her go... whatever! Here is the point: the person freaking left you, and by the way, how can you allow someone to go, if the person does not even ask for your permission? I am insane. I guess, I would never give him the permission, if I had that power over him, if I were in the position. So him left. So I moved on. I thought it could be simple as that. Last letter, proper farewell. Dried up all the possible tears, running one by one the procedures that I never wanted.

In my conscious mind, I never call out his name again so carelessly... knowing in some possible ways, he will struggle to reply, to give me a sign. And that hurts me tremendously to think he can't walk away with ease.

yet there are things, I knew not, which were out of my control.
The unconscious mind, the moment I slip into another world, the more honest one that my heart reigns, rules over my mind... Things are not that easy, right? When I screamed his name in the middle of the night, in the mist of my nightmare, I called out his name. For what? for protection? for help? for the salvation of my soul?

I'm sorry. I prayed.
Please let him walk away with ease.
I am as fine as I can be.
Please let him not be burdened by my nightmares, the exact definition of my reality since he left.'cuz somewhat, in a strange way, I have learned to be strong, loving this life. Maybe because I still have family to hold, friends and goals in my life. Maybe because I don't have an alternative. This is what I have, this is what I have to make do with.

Please, let him live with ease, let the last painful bits of our memories stay with me, I will keep bitterness so for eternity, he can hold sweet memories.

please...

disgrace

Despair!
Do I deserve the right to cast myself down this state of emotion as I fall into this situation of disgrace?

Don't give up, you whispered, how naive to think it is easier to give up? It is much harder, much much harder to just take the plunge and dive into depression or pack our bags and go home. What you have never thought of is the DISGRACE in bold, the aftermath of the messy equation, of your future, of 'what-if" and "I-should-have". THAT is worse than working your ass off now, even if, you have to start all over again.

I was not born with the privilege of giving up or an alternative of backing down for the second best. My parents taught me most words in the dictionary, most, not all. I did not even know the existence of that particular tempting phrase util much later. My entire life until this moment has been a long fight of endless battles. Killed or be killed... it is not easy to laugh in victory and quote from dear Shakespeare: "to be or not to be". What is behind all the A and all the "enrich" program I got myself into? What is behind all these happy moment upon the stage?

Absurd!

In this moment of disgrace what can I do but cry out? Cry out the pain of betrayal and despair. Just loud enough to reactive my idle brain.

Here we go again,
"With nothing. Not with nothing but. With nothing." - Disgrace, by Coetzee
I did not understand this quote at first glance. Absurd! it does not make sense to those who never turn empty handed, it will never make sense to those who never value anything in life. Yet it perfectly makes sense to me, scream to me every syllabus like stabbing sharp knife into my heart... and twist!

So Monday, I will walk into the class, in awe of the rest. So Monday, I will start from sketch, from the very beginning, from the bottom.

from nothing
with nothing


But I guess I am fine by it. To restart. Who will laugh anyway, at the end of the day, when all battles are "lost and won"?


ALL over again, I will claim BACK what is MINE.

I love it this way

I love myself this way.

Love that I can smile today- a unwary one, a satisfied one, a spontaneous one- for no rhyme and reason. Isn't it a bliss? To be able to enjoy carefree jokes, tiny accomplishments (like being the 1st to walk in Lit Lecture, making a mess out of Fanie's bed, having a heated argument with Van and Cindy over an absolutely trivial issue...)

Love that I can walk out of my hidden world with such look- an indifferent one, an unique one, an obnoxious one- and greet all the shocked eyes staring at me with a smile- a lonely one, a forgiving one, a soft one. Isn't it a bliss? Not being afraid to be who I am at this moment in time. Not freaking out because of the negative reactions to the new confessed fact that I have changed.

...

I am wearing a half of couple shirt set for the 1st time this Friday. Already I can laugh about it, laugh and smile- a devious one, a mocking one, a nonchalant one- thinking of all the speculation going around my strange behavior. What do they know? What do they care? About who I am and my tiny little happiness. Am I just another topic for their daily dose of gossips? In that case I am willing to entertain them. I should give back what they brought me: a smile- a painful one, a bitter one, a tearful one- when I heard they called me a slut. What have I done to deserve such title? Comforting a guy friend when his girl friend/ my close friend left him? Walking to the bus stop, talking cheerfully with another guy friend in a fancy dress, boarding the same bus just to part at different stops? Or laughing away about my "ideal" relationship with a non-existed Indian boyfriend?

I do not dress up for guys. Don't insult my pride, confidence and fashion sense for that. Just because you think I am dolling up, does not mean I am. Just that our standard of what should be worn outside the hostel differs like sky and earth. I envy your confidence of your original beauty, the one that let you wear an FBT short and a weird shirt with a pair of slippers to Orchard Road. I am just not like you, must you force your definition on me?
...

My friends ask me, once in a while: how I am, if anything change, any progress, and carefully. without making a sound, they whisper a name from the past, the one that once could bring me to all the extreme of emotions. It once was a forbidden topic, the one that first created awkward silence, then an outburst of hidden feeling. I can see them trembling with the mere anticipation of my reply. Barely giving out a hint, I smile, this time- a effortless one, a honest one, a gentle one.
"I am doing ALL RIGHT, not alright but ALL RIGHT"

...

I love it this way. It is great, don't you think? To be able to set a goal and work hard toward it, with all your heart and soul.

...
I really love it this way
love myself this way, in this particular picture. I have not taken such narcissistic and self-obsessed pictures for a long while. I stopped loving the way I look. Now I do, like falling in love with myself all over again. Loving the 20 year old me, the one without make up,the one that can stand in front of the sea and SCREAM out many things insignificant, the one that can smile- an aloof one, an unpretentious one, the whole-hearted one



P/S. Kiss the baby sky by DBSK, this song became the theme song for ZOOM IN, Jap weather fore cast program. Some bits and pieces of the lyric, really something I want to share with the person I am meeting this Friday
"Another day, on waking up, I suddenly became aware
in the photograph left behind, the two of us are always smiling.
Good day Good time ,enveloped by your heart
I want to reach out to the sky,kiss the blue sky,your sky.

Baby Sky All the dreams and hopes are made of your eyes.
Tomorrow, certainly the sky will clear up, just like you are here with me."
Until I get the pictures with the couple shirts and the particular person that actually came up with that idea, I will continue my smile, the trivial one, the mocking one, the unforgiving one... for fun, for a while

Batch outing - things I learn

8 a.m.
Message Rach to Rummy:
Morning darling, I am in front of VH, going for batch outing in ECP.Up yet?
Reply from Rummy:
Since when do you go for "batch outing"? lol

Ruam certainly knows me well. Sometime too well to be true. The last time I went for my nationality-batch outing was in 200... never mind the memories, it was in sec 4. The last attempt to salvage something that could never be the same. That, I learned the hard way out. It was not pain any more, the messy after math but indeed bitterness. I was not right, but I can't bring myself to blame it all on me either. What I did, I paid the price. I walked off, never looked back.

As I walked with a different group of people on the same path I once shared with my initial batch mates, I could not help but compared: myself 2 years ago and now. They all call me with the same name: My Linh but certainly a name cannot possibly depict a person. The same name can carry so much negative at the same time, sweet connotation. I have changed so much I can hardly recognize myself in my own reflection. But I am not sadden, someone pleased, someone regretful I could not keep my pure heart safe.

There is a clear difference between a friend and a mere batch mate. Many people confuse themselves thinking naively that we are all friends. WRONG! Class mates, batch mates, school mates, room mates.... you name them, are not friends. They are simply people who share the same situation with us. What makes you think by putting a two strangers into the same box (box -mate, j/k) they will be able to understand one another, like one another...? Define friends, and you can jolly see it for yourself we all don't have that many friends. Acquaintances, beautiful definition! It takes so much more to be a friend of someone.

I was once full of eagerness, hope to redeem what was seemingly my sin in the past, while yesterday, I was pretty much apathetic. I was up at 7.30 a.m to make bread with Cindy, Fanie, Pei Xia and Michelle. It was really fun till I snapped and walked off. Do they know I was nervous?

I was afraid I would not enjoy myself to the max as I would keep thinking of the past, the night my initial batch sat together under the stars, talking and having fun - the last bit of sincere enjoyment we could share. It was bliss, now what is it?

However, yesterday was a BLAST.

I did not once look back and burdened my heart with what I had already buried into the sand of time.

Things I learned today, things that are real: I can walk without the past weighing down my shoulders. I can run in the sun, let the wind comb my hair, then mess it up with salty water of the deep blue sea. I can tug bitterness inside my heart for years, unable to trust and love yet one day, unconsciously I will be able to receive love sincerely like the sunshine naturally pours its warmth on my tanned skin...

I had fun today. I was touched by certain gestures of Innovians, of Cindy-Fanie-Vanessa who learned to enjoy my erratic behavior and sarcastic nature, of the ever-emo yeat surprisingly caring Andika, of the brightness in Lintang's smile...

4 more months and off we go. I will bring away with me to another land, the music of youth
+their laughters
+Vanessa's unbearable, unlovable scream which freaked Andika out
+Ibam weird music in his Ipod and his obnoxious nature
+songs that we sang along with Ivan, Chandra and Andika's guitar. Emo songs... break up songs, songs of friendship and love, for who knows how many of you have ever experienced true love or will ever encounter it in our lives

I will bring with me moments
+the games: Frisbee, Captain (Ibam's) Ball, throwing people into the sea...
+the process of "taking" excessive number of bread slide from OH to make our packed lunch fr the whole batch
+the mixing and cooking
+the waking up and screaming at one another

I will carry in my heart, the touch
+My hands in the firm and protective hands of Andika, Cindy, Pei Xia, guiding me when I was learning how to do in line skating.
+the high five when my team score a point in Captain balls
+the soft touch Cindy placed on my hand early in the morning to wake me up from my lala land
+the hug, me and Lintang, again, I truly miss her. me and the girls, I wish I can keep my promise with them till the end of time
+the light push in the head, me covering van's mouth to stop her from screaming as we carry her to throw into the sea

...

Unconsciously I call them my friends, not all, some, most of them. Unconsciously I place a tremendous burden in their hands, the power over me, to bring me utter happiness and (hopefully not) shatter my heart.

...

I haven't been to the beach for such a long time to relax and chill out. As the wind messed up my hair, I found bliss... I shall not think to much...
Yet there is something I know for sure, I am walking away from darkness, bitterness of the past toward the warmth of the sun

I am only 20 once