どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

I whispered... breathless!

I am exhausted of questions falling into emptiness... without an answer

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

I long to be able to sleep with a smile.















どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？
why?

Something lost

it is like walking bare in the wind...
You know you are missing something... something is not there and it is not correct.

I am much too young and it was much too wrong.

It is tearing me inside.

As if I am walking bare in the rain, bare...
Just that it is much too cold... much too wrong.
My body slips into this state of numbness...
unable to feel each drop of bullets, smashing against my pale skin which was deepening into purple shade
I know something is missing yet I am unable to spell it out.
How can I make it right? When I don't even know what goes wrong?

Aimless existence without any passion, without fire, burning desire
What am I doing here? now?

I am aware I am lost.
Yet my trembling lips frozen in the ice of my breath cannot call out... that piece of heart missing.




나 단 한사람 그대에게만

속삭이는 설레임에 눈이 부실...




It is this feeling that I have traded for my mental stability, for carefree sleep at night, dreamless nightmareless... painless.
it was this feeling that made me human, made me... ME.
I tremble... as each and every word spelling out to me each and every word... As if the fire finally was able to crack the shell, melt the ice... I bleed again... red, warmth, ache


yet


I am much too weak and this is much too wrong
I am much too weak and this is much too out of reach.
here I am... capturing my missing heart piece in my mind... for what? I laugh at myself with pure sarcasm... Even if I finally realize it, will I be able to make a change? Am I too afraid to make this change...

I miss this feeling which is lost.
or maybe it is still here, under layers and layers of ice.




I really miss this.
...pure.... innocent... sincere...



나 단 한사람 그대에게만

속삭이는 설레임에 눈이 부실...



piano... I play piano again. Play, not practice. Play means,spending time with the black and white notes, having fun, talking to them... caressing them with my fingers... press... light and hard! My emotion awed me. I thought I was unable to really touch and feel wooden notes with such emotion again. Yet piano tracks are the only thing I listen to now... Memorizing the notes.... let my deaf ears hear again.
I played something for myself, the elegy of my heart, this song, for something lost. for that particular feeling which I froze inside. This simple song... nothing special to most pianists means the world to me now.

This trade... Why does it cost so much to keep my eyes dry?

for someone else

sometime, when I cannot have something... something great
sometime, when I cannot reach for something... something far away

I give my dream up for someone else
I give away this chance to experience love for others who have someone to love and to hold.

Just like that, I pray, one day I can cry out love in the middle of the the earth and he can hear me even in heaven.

I did not like hospitals. I do not like that particular place until now. But since I cannot take care of my grand mother who is old and weak, I volunteer to work in Alexandra hospital, to talk to other elderly, those who need accompany. Maybe somewhere at home, my grand mother will have someone young, some crazy twenty year old girl to lessen her loneliness. Since I could not take care of my own lover, I reminded my friends every now and then not to be selfish and give in to their bf more. I talk to them when they fight, try to be the bridge (and pray that they will build their relationship strong enough to close all gaps and discard this bridge asap for I am not that interested to stand in between). Since I could not do so much when I was young due to a lack of direction, I took internship as teacher. The money was the worst among all the jobs I was offered. I stayed back late after my classes just to talk to them. I wished someone could have told me all these things before... Since I did not have, I gave it to them now. Hopefully they can be better off

I wish I could do more for him. But he is no longer mine, maybe he is still, but only in my mind, I pass this love away to others, those in love, those who still have this precious chance to fight, to be angry at one another, to break up and make up again... Places that I kept as secret for us, unknown restaurants that I wanted to share with him... things that usually my friends would not notice, I do. Waited and waited for for him who could not meet me at the end of the road eventually. Shall I hold on to those little secrets? those precious secrets? Love is a funny thing... I treasured it, held it so close to my heart. It slipped away.

I could not do anything. Should I say sorry for even with that NOTHING I did, I did my best? Maybe not. Cuz we part out ways. I am walking in another direction today. Yet when I see things that I could have done, I would love to have done them yet unable to... I smile though feel something tearing inside... and give them all away the couple T-shirts, the address of that romantic places... well, you name it, you know me.

Since there is no more "him" to begin with, why should I be selfish and keep them for myself? While there are others who can be so happy - for my share of happiness?

Happiness is not enough for everyone to get... As I give up, one by one things that I want to do, objects that I want to possess... I wonder: what is left for me?






P/S:About the MV. Another Korean MV. I wanted to post something of DBSK.I had something in mind, but it is too heart breaking. Kiss Shita Mama, Sayonara. So I put this instead. Like one of the characters who could not give his sick girlfriend a good break out of the hospital before she died, he brought this stranger out... let her breath life... and dreamed that it was his girl friend he did this to. If we can turn back time? Would we? Could we?

5 min

5 min with mom

That's what it takes to make my day

5 min with mom to talk about all the nonsensical stuff that one can possibly share with her best friend, soul mate.

That's what it takes to make me smile

We have this emotional and spiritual connection, me and her... wherever we are, we are connected. Like a red string, connected by thousands of tight knots. I have not been out of my hostel for 2 days, so has she not gotten out of our house for the same period of time. Sometime, i will call her, crying just to hear about her heartbreak experience at the same time, just a week later simply for one reason: either one of us has to be strong for one another.

But today we laugh, about mother and daughter, about how proud yet worried she is about my SAT result. I made it! Now there are more opprotunities for me to get out of this land. yet when I think about it, it must be much harder in the future to just sms and expect mom to call all the way from Vietnam to America.

But this is the bond I am talking about, the one and only long distance relationship I have that never fails. She is there and I am here.

Sometime, no matter how depressed I can be.

Just 5 min

Talk to her

We may fight, oh gosh, we do fight a lot about thousands of issues.

But who cares, at the end of the day, I long for her cool and slender fingers, I miss her laugh and her silly remark upon my fashion or my taste in guys. (I still strongly believe I will find a better man than my father - who at the moment, is the best possible husband one can dream of)

Seriously who cares, if people laugh when I announcemybest girl friend: mom. Ruam's best friend is also her mother (whom I totally admire and love) Mothers know best if you bother sharing with them your silly little secret (like I told mom I am nuts about Yunho DBSK and I am so gonna learn Japanese)

5 min with mom
It really makes my day

more colorful... with rainbow
more cheerful... with laughter
more love... with her unconditional love


Back to work ^^
Not another song of the day, though I have a piece in mind. I think mom would go crazy if I associate her with a Korean song. But if she permits, TIMELESS, definitely is the one for us

Directiion

"To love is not to look at one another
But to look together in the same direction"

The message reached me at 7 a.m. this morning, as expected. Someone has been sending me a quote, a line of encouragement, a word of care... sometime, useful information about the possible bad weather every day at 7 a.m. since the day I was discharged from the hospital.

I am really grateful.

I believe you are reading my blog and checking my facebook.
I guess chances are you are not a Vietnamese, for you spell things wrongly in an extremely funny manner. But again, maybe you are for you know things only people who read my Vietnamese blog would be aware of.

I am really grateful that you care in such a quiet manner.
Thank you for not demanding anything from me, not even a reply for I have never done or planning to do so.
Thank you for understanding me, the fact that I would not be able to meet up with any possible expectation or would want to be expected.

I will not call your number, question your identity, reply or make a mess out of nothing. As you respect me silence, I respect your animosity. The message I receive this morning really means a lot to me. Even as friends or lovers, looking at the same direction is indeed the most important thing.

For if we do, even if we part midway due to some unfortunate incidents, we will meet one another again at the end of the road.

I just want to let you know. I am really grateful.
And I learn something today
from you

Song for the day


Travel Log by DBSK
If I walk across the sea, will I be able to meet you?

To the person who sms me, and whoever is reading my monologue: as I believe in this path I am choosing, I will be able to meet the one for me. I wish you the same, hope you will be able to find love for yourself. If you are walking alone, keep walking. If you are waiting, keep your faith.

it does take courage to be single

Something real

I did not sleep the whole night.

again

I am obsessed.

H1N1 is spreading and it has already reached my home away from home.
Fanie, Van and Cindy have proved that they live up to the title I grant them: The NUT CASES by taking a series of H1N1 mask pictures. For once I feel really glad I am not in the same room thus I do not have to stand their insanity 24/7. Lol, I adore them and treasure the time I am with them. It seems so unreal that one of the boarders in OH has already been confirmed to be positive with H1N1. As though this is not real. But it is.

What is the most scary thing? I wonder, is that the fear of the unknown? You cannot see the virus nor recognize who is carrying it around. You talk, you hug as you are friendly. You end up getting sick for you are carefree or careless. Fate is something which is written for us, we walk our ways to the unseen traps. Who knows?

Within 2 weeks I may get myself into an accident. Mom prayed everyday for me. I do pray also. Once in a while, she must be upset knowing this. But when I heard my mom over the phone, she informed me that dad got into an accident. His car is badly damaged but thanks to mom's prayer every night, dad is safe. He did not even sue the idiot who run his motorbike straight into dad's car without any any possible reason. Dad said he wanted to do a good deed, sending the man to hospital, not even asking that person to pay for the damage. Dad simply wished because of his action, I would be spared in the book of fate.

I was hit by car twice in sec 3 and 4. I have been injured and sick for no particular reason. Ruam's mom who can read the stars said there is a big OPERATION letter engraved in my destiny. I smiled, counting them, one by one. Have you known my eyes are extremely bad and is highly recommended to be operated at the end of the year? I did not know it. For a good part of my life, I do not even know what it is like to have perfect eye sight. So I thought, the blurry vision I see every day is the best one can ask for.

ignorance is bliss

Now that I know my sickness is real
Now that I am aware of the possible accident.

It is real? I do not know. Yet I just wish I could feel love in a more tangible way. Like Van's touch on my forehead, mom's fingers across my fingers, my head on dad's shoulder, Ruam's voice across the phone... Things like that. I know they are real

And I know, there is something real
I am loved, for real


music of the day: Bolero from DBSK as an encouragement for all JC2 friends out there. ummm I am happy that Poy is also a Cassiopeia. I am visiting her the next time they come to Thailand for sure, lol. I am suffering from exams for the first 3 days of next week: Mon Tue and Wed. 11 essays, 3 hours of maths not to mention Econ case study

Well, something else which is real: exams

... and ...

...
... ummmm ...

Everything will fade, from the fragrance of someone you love to the color of the sky. My inaccurate memories are fading, one day, the remaining bits and pieces will only be the collection of the selected things that I desire to remember. Memories do know how to play tricks on us. I woke up one morning 2 years ago, smiled for I could not recall a particular part of my time in Bath: the color of Lukas's eyes.

They fade into the winds, one by one.

I walked around my room... half conscious. I wanted to make a phone call but instead I sent a message: I miss you. Mom should get it by now. I miss her slender finger. Vanessa shocked me today with her cool... almost cold tiny hand on my forehead
(checking if I am sick) Tiny thing brings back memories. Just like mom, just like him.

I smiled, thinking it is weird for us to be friends today. Vanessa who used to hate me and whom I used to loath to the core, actually can share one of her ear piece with me today. We would sing some stupid break-up songs loudly, shamelessly, walking together to Minimart or Coldstorage. This is utterly ridiculous. This is not something I would do in the past but I am enjoying it now. I think less of what a messy GERMIE she is. She thinks less of what a hardcore traditional grandma I am. We are both headstrong and competitive. Now we are both single. Just that she think being single sucks, me the opposite.

... and ...

Just some random thoughts today as I listen to DBSK. I became an extreme Cassiopeia (DBSK's fan) recently. Really enjoy their music and their personalities. This is strange, me behaving like a teenage fan girl at the age of a supposedly mature young lady. But who cares, I would scream the moment, I find another Cassiopeia, the moment I see Yunho or hear Junsu's voice.

I love the peace their music brings me.

I am not holding back the tears, for there is nothing to be sad about. Just this simply life of a JC2 student, studying for her exam.

I really really love DBSK