I am cursed.
Get it? I am cursed, ironically with my own obsession of PERFECTION, i.e. just like a mentally unstable person, stabbing herself enthusiastically without even realizing it. How ironical?
I hurt a guy who loved me, just because he did not do the perfect things at the perfect time. After 8 years being tortured by my obsession, he opted out for another girl... Maybe. Simply because I was getting too difficult and demanding. Eventually when he finally learned my version of PERFECTION and wanted to do something good, I did not give him a chance to. I hurt him so badly, I can't even dare looking into his eyes now.
I don't care about friendship, I long for best friendship. I want us to study together, gossip about some idiotic topic, be at each other wedding, another kind of soul mate. I want them to understand me the way I understand them. I want them to be enthusiastic and cheerful and happy whenever we gather. What do I end up with? I end up, watching myself, hating my party which everyone enjoy because I am the only one who see all the things that are not going right. How come A walk off early, how comes no one talk to B? How come? I am hated, for God sake by the people who once loved me for I am possessive. And the best thing is that, I know it all, from the very beginning
I am cursed. I cursed with my own obsession of PERFECTION. I don't want a boy friend; I want a soul mate, a lover, a hero, a cook, a guy who can do just anything and everything for me. He must know Vietnamese, he must be able to talk to mom and chat with dad. He must be able to drive Vespa and he must do another thousands and two hundred million things. And please, for once in my life I met the perfect guy, I was loved by him, for the 1st time in my life I got what I wanted. I had the best time in my life. And guess what? HE LEFT ME, ETERNALLY. And guess what? Even him, he believes that we will never meet again i.e. even if I jumped down a 21 floor building immediately after I was told he was dead, I will end up in hell simply because I am not a Christian and he is. Guess what? This is 3 am in the morning, and I am monologizing, crying uncontrollably and asking why. Why I can't get him out of my mind to finally move on like I have always been telling myself to? No one is perfect, for no one is him. 2 years, 2 freaking years passed and I am still smiling on the 5th of March, remembering every single word he said. When he said he loved me.
I preach, I am good at preaching. I am not good of doing things, AT ALL. I am so good of telling my mom that I have moved on, that I don't hurt myself anymore, thinking of him. I don't. I think of him every freaking second of my life and it is killing me.
Knowing you, knowing what it feels like to be truly loved is my curse. Because, I cannot compromise for anything less than that.
and guess what?
I NEVER EVER regret loving you,knowing you.
NEVER EVER
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Where are you?
Where are you? I whispered ... Did I? Or did I actually scream your name out of despair? I have no idea but for all that I know, it was stuck in my throat, as if I was mute. The complete silence became a deafening sound... The sound only I knew, only I heard. I dried up my tears, held my head high, dressed up more beautifully than as per normal and smiled. When can I stop pretend to be not just ok, but fab; when I am without you?
They talked about me before. They spread rumors, they make up stories of unknown and unreal relationships which they told the whole world that I had. Still I smiled, not even bothered to explain right and wrong. I was too busy, busy gazing upon the glass door, waiting for someone to come. I knew, when he came, that was all that ever mattered. I was like Axon waiting for this unknown lover she knew so well in her dreams. One day he would come, with the Crimson sail soaring in the sky. He actually came for her... He took her hand and that was when all the rumor about this little crazy, insane, girl vanished. People looked at her with different eyes, with admiration and with pity, this time, not for her, but for themselves, those who were never strong enough to live with their inborn goodness...
But you did not come...
Though I believed, and I waited and waited.
So they go on, with new old rumors, with attack from my back. How noble, how brave, as a boy, a man-to-be to even, just attempt to play trick on a girl, from behind? I knew I would be vunerable, prone to be made fun of. But still I lead my life the way I should, as if they were not there, as if their filthy tricks could not touch my heart. Still I smiled at them. 'Cuz there is nothing else I could do and would do. If loving you means I would have to go through all these pains, and even if I knew from the start, that eventually I would never be able to be rescued out of this place by you, I guess, I would still do the same thing, believe the same old fair tale, and love the same guy.
Where are you?
Are you lost in the way? I am holding on to a torch, in the rain. So you will be able to find your way back to me even in the storm. 'Cuz I don't just believe, I know you worth this fight. And I, I deserve your love. Years have gone by, the fire I kept for you distinguished one night when I heard the news, the expected news. I believe you would come if you could. But you couldn't. I wonder why, I still hold on to this torch until now. Though in vain, I still keep the fire in my heart for you, till we meet again, at the end of my restless road.
Life goes on, they go on. I go on. They can go on chanting, smiling, mocking at me. I still go on, smiling as though I don't care, acting as if I don't know what they do, behind my back. I only live once.
Yet this moment, when my world collapse, I called out your name, Aricin, and just like a magic spell, it brings me strength. I stood up, straightened my dress, rebuilt my shattered dreams, walked out of the dark. I smiled
the smile of the undefeatable girl
who was loved, by you
They talked about me before. They spread rumors, they make up stories of unknown and unreal relationships which they told the whole world that I had. Still I smiled, not even bothered to explain right and wrong. I was too busy, busy gazing upon the glass door, waiting for someone to come. I knew, when he came, that was all that ever mattered. I was like Axon waiting for this unknown lover she knew so well in her dreams. One day he would come, with the Crimson sail soaring in the sky. He actually came for her... He took her hand and that was when all the rumor about this little crazy, insane, girl vanished. People looked at her with different eyes, with admiration and with pity, this time, not for her, but for themselves, those who were never strong enough to live with their inborn goodness...
But you did not come...
Though I believed, and I waited and waited.
So they go on, with new old rumors, with attack from my back. How noble, how brave, as a boy, a man-to-be to even, just attempt to play trick on a girl, from behind? I knew I would be vunerable, prone to be made fun of. But still I lead my life the way I should, as if they were not there, as if their filthy tricks could not touch my heart. Still I smiled at them. 'Cuz there is nothing else I could do and would do. If loving you means I would have to go through all these pains, and even if I knew from the start, that eventually I would never be able to be rescued out of this place by you, I guess, I would still do the same thing, believe the same old fair tale, and love the same guy.
Where are you?
Are you lost in the way? I am holding on to a torch, in the rain. So you will be able to find your way back to me even in the storm. 'Cuz I don't just believe, I know you worth this fight. And I, I deserve your love. Years have gone by, the fire I kept for you distinguished one night when I heard the news, the expected news. I believe you would come if you could. But you couldn't. I wonder why, I still hold on to this torch until now. Though in vain, I still keep the fire in my heart for you, till we meet again, at the end of my restless road.
Life goes on, they go on. I go on. They can go on chanting, smiling, mocking at me. I still go on, smiling as though I don't care, acting as if I don't know what they do, behind my back. I only live once.
Yet this moment, when my world collapse, I called out your name, Aricin, and just like a magic spell, it brings me strength. I stood up, straightened my dress, rebuilt my shattered dreams, walked out of the dark. I smiled
the smile of the undefeatable girl
who was loved, by you
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Back to school
Back to school. Everything is great. School work and council work kicked in before I even noticed. Most of the time at school I am sleepy but extremely contented. But I guess, my body has not gotten used to this new pattern yet.
I collapsed, last night, on my bed, not knowing what happened, not knowing what was going on around me. My new roommate told me that I felt into a very "deep" sleep. I gave a a weary smile. I guess, soon, she will get used to it, not knowing it was not only because I was extremely tired. If she cares, she will. if she doesn't, which is much better for her, she will never know the difference of someone who sleeps and someone who faints/collapses. Yes, I collapsed. . . I guess I must be very grateful for the good health I possess now.It was not easy. For the past 2 years I stopped. Now it came back to me like an old unwanted friend. I have to live with it. With collapsing... here and there, now and then. Hope that I won't, again, like last year, on a stranger's bus, alone.
And I know very well, this time he is not coming to help me.
As if he ever did. Just that the feeling that he would if he could, gave me this amazing strength to carry on. Now, I am stronger, not because I am with him, but because, physically and logically, I am withOUT him.
I attended a funeral. Just want to say this to Melvin, my dearest classmate: Be strong. It is not easy losing someone you love much. But be strong, he, who you care for, leaves this world by choice. May he rest in peace.A sad note for the beginning of the year. Especially when the newspaper reports about it. Take care
I wanted to talk to a friend of mine, upon this depressing topic, yet I know very well. She will not entertain me mentioning his name. I kept quite. But the whole idea haunts me. I want to talk to someone, someone who knows the truth. someone who knows, beyond all my perfect lies, which I made up to cover one simple fact: I could not face the truth that he, whom I love with all my heart, left me by choice.
I could not hold him back. I wonder if he knew. I died with him the day he died. Just that, I reborn into a new person, a part of me left with him, a stronger part pull this corpse up and bring life to it.
I miss him, every single day. I whisper his name, sometime scream, just loud enough so I can hear, and feel the echo as the reply. Pathetic, I know, I should not be doing this. The mark of 2nd year is coming, most unexpectedly and I am still shocked when I think about it. But time passes without waiting for anyone
And tomorrow, I will be at school earlier as usual. More council work, more things need to be done. I hope to catch Melvin's smile which is becoming more and more rare nowadays.
night night...
I collapsed, last night, on my bed, not knowing what happened, not knowing what was going on around me. My new roommate told me that I felt into a very "deep" sleep. I gave a a weary smile. I guess, soon, she will get used to it, not knowing it was not only because I was extremely tired. If she cares, she will. if she doesn't, which is much better for her, she will never know the difference of someone who sleeps and someone who faints/collapses. Yes, I collapsed. . . I guess I must be very grateful for the good health I possess now.It was not easy. For the past 2 years I stopped. Now it came back to me like an old unwanted friend. I have to live with it. With collapsing... here and there, now and then. Hope that I won't, again, like last year, on a stranger's bus, alone.
And I know very well, this time he is not coming to help me.
As if he ever did. Just that the feeling that he would if he could, gave me this amazing strength to carry on. Now, I am stronger, not because I am with him, but because, physically and logically, I am withOUT him.
I attended a funeral. Just want to say this to Melvin, my dearest classmate: Be strong. It is not easy losing someone you love much. But be strong, he, who you care for, leaves this world by choice. May he rest in peace.A sad note for the beginning of the year. Especially when the newspaper reports about it. Take care
I wanted to talk to a friend of mine, upon this depressing topic, yet I know very well. She will not entertain me mentioning his name. I kept quite. But the whole idea haunts me. I want to talk to someone, someone who knows the truth. someone who knows, beyond all my perfect lies, which I made up to cover one simple fact: I could not face the truth that he, whom I love with all my heart, left me by choice.
I could not hold him back. I wonder if he knew. I died with him the day he died. Just that, I reborn into a new person, a part of me left with him, a stronger part pull this corpse up and bring life to it.
I miss him, every single day. I whisper his name, sometime scream, just loud enough so I can hear, and feel the echo as the reply. Pathetic, I know, I should not be doing this. The mark of 2nd year is coming, most unexpectedly and I am still shocked when I think about it. But time passes without waiting for anyone
And tomorrow, I will be at school earlier as usual. More council work, more things need to be done. I hope to catch Melvin's smile which is becoming more and more rare nowadays.
night night...
Sunday, November 16, 2008
when i'm with you
Saw you walk in to the room
Thought i'd try to talk to you
Babe am i every glad you wanted me too
Its been two years to the day
half the time I've been away
i know I'm not there enough
but that is gonna change
cause I'm coming back
to show you that
I'm keeping the promise that i made
when i'm with you
I'll make every second count
cause i miss you,
whenever your not around
when i kiss you
i still get butterflies
years from now
i'll make every second count
yeah we've had our ups and downs
but we've always worked them out
babe am i ever glad we got this far now
still i'm lying here tonight
wishing i was by your side
cause when i'm not there enough
nothing feels right
so i'm coming back to show you that I'll love you the rest of my life
when i'm with you
I'll make every second count
cause i miss you,
whenever your not around
when i kiss you
i still get butterflies
years from now
i'll make every second count
whatever it takes
im not gonna break the promise i made
when i'm with you
I'll make every second count
cause i miss you
when i'm with you
I'll make every second count
cause i miss you,
whenever your not around
when i kiss you
i still get butterflies
years from now
i'll make every second count
when i'm with you
when i'm with you
when i'm with you
when i'm with you
Saturday, November 8, 2008
...all right
I woke up early in the morning, just to feel the sense of peace and relief sink deep into me, to my every cell. I am aware that I am alive and everything wrong, finally, indeed, is gonna be alright. Hi there new day, hi there holiday... hi there another challenge and hi there Hanoi, I am coming home soon.
Yesterday
I held my breath... unable to breath when I dialed my close friends' numbers yesterday, I was scared, of losing them, losing any of them. My batch mates, Innovians, Indonesians, Malaysian, Philippina, Thai and Vietnamese, they have been amazing. They have accepted me and my weird sadistic nature, the irritating sarcasm coming out from pure unintention... Not all, not all people in this world are able to reply my harsh comment with sparling laugters like Fanie, like Cindy... Not every one can hit me or even slap so hard to bring me back to my mean self in time of need so that I can repress my feeling and show my strong self.... at the same time, hold me close to let me cry when all those strangers whose only intent is to bring me down leave... Not everyone, but Christin can, and I admire her for all that, all the strength and pride that she puts upfront, on the other hand, the sincere friendship the care and love she hides behind al the scoldings... I thank you, all of you for all that u have done.. all the night you were awake to help me with Student Council campaign, all te birthday parties that we threw... we laughed together... and that special night, when 4 of us, walking in the rain... so much laughter so much freedom
For the first time, in a long while, I found my youthful not bitter not precaucious self... And all of that, was because of you guys.
Today
I breath in and hi there, everything is gonna be all right. I am waiting for Christin and Michelle to confirm the day they can go to Vietnam to visit me.. and Ruam, my dearest Ruam, though she is longer here, suffering the weird rainny weather of Singapore, I believe she is having a great time in Thailand... See you soon, dear, in the land I was born... in the center of my heart.
too many plan and the grad nite preparation is indeed driving me insane, yet when I think I have so many people around me, pushing me through. like liyanto, like JQ, like the 4th council.. I smile... Gonna meet Ferina in a few hours and everthing is all right
Yesterday
I held my breath... unable to breath when I dialed my close friends' numbers yesterday, I was scared, of losing them, losing any of them. My batch mates, Innovians, Indonesians, Malaysian, Philippina, Thai and Vietnamese, they have been amazing. They have accepted me and my weird sadistic nature, the irritating sarcasm coming out from pure unintention... Not all, not all people in this world are able to reply my harsh comment with sparling laugters like Fanie, like Cindy... Not every one can hit me or even slap so hard to bring me back to my mean self in time of need so that I can repress my feeling and show my strong self.... at the same time, hold me close to let me cry when all those strangers whose only intent is to bring me down leave... Not everyone, but Christin can, and I admire her for all that, all the strength and pride that she puts upfront, on the other hand, the sincere friendship the care and love she hides behind al the scoldings... I thank you, all of you for all that u have done.. all the night you were awake to help me with Student Council campaign, all te birthday parties that we threw... we laughed together... and that special night, when 4 of us, walking in the rain... so much laughter so much freedom
For the first time, in a long while, I found my youthful not bitter not precaucious self... And all of that, was because of you guys.
Today
I breath in and hi there, everything is gonna be all right. I am waiting for Christin and Michelle to confirm the day they can go to Vietnam to visit me.. and Ruam, my dearest Ruam, though she is longer here, suffering the weird rainny weather of Singapore, I believe she is having a great time in Thailand... See you soon, dear, in the land I was born... in the center of my heart.
too many plan and the grad nite preparation is indeed driving me insane, yet when I think I have so many people around me, pushing me through. like liyanto, like JQ, like the 4th council.. I smile... Gonna meet Ferina in a few hours and everthing is all right
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
for us
Out of nothing
I have always wanted to bring you alive, through... a picture, an art piece. I tried to draw u.
Out of my dreams, my imagination, my heart and soul, my memories... my insanity and madness...
Out of all that are unreal and impossible, out of all those struggle and tears and fear and anger and sadness...
Out of love and despair
I tried to create a you that belong to me, and only me...
A you that only I know, out of memories that only I possessed
and I failed, so many times... cuz whatever I do, I know, I can't bring you alive, out of the paper, cannot warm those ice cold hands, cannot gaze upon those beautiful eyes, which have already shut eternally...
One night, I woke up and felt the unbearable urge to do something for us, not for u or me, but for us...
and maybe... sometime... there is only one thing left to say
I love you
love you till the end
I have always wanted to bring you alive, through... a picture, an art piece. I tried to draw u.
Out of my dreams, my imagination, my heart and soul, my memories... my insanity and madness...
Out of all that are unreal and impossible, out of all those struggle and tears and fear and anger and sadness...
Out of love and despair
I tried to create a you that belong to me, and only me...
A you that only I know, out of memories that only I possessed
and I failed, so many times... cuz whatever I do, I know, I can't bring you alive, out of the paper, cannot warm those ice cold hands, cannot gaze upon those beautiful eyes, which have already shut eternally...
One night, I woke up and felt the unbearable urge to do something for us, not for u or me, but for us...
and maybe... sometime... there is only one thing left to say
I love you
love you till the end
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
come september
Her bones will ache
Her mouth will shake
And as the passion dies
Her magic heart will break
She'll fly to France
Cause there's no chance
No hope for Cinderella
Come September
Everything wrong
Gonna be alright
Come September
Her violet sky
Will need to cry
Cause if it doesn rain
Then everything will die
She needs to heal
She needs to feel
Something more than tender
Come September
Everything wrong
Gonna be alright
Come September
The souls that burn
Will twist and turn and find-
you in the dark
No matter where you run
She's made her mark
But lost her spark
And what she's pushing for
She can't remember
Everything wrong
Gonna be alright
Come September
Her eyes surrender, her cry a-
crying shame
Coming undone is she ever gonna-
feel the same
She will run
She's gonna drink the sun
Shining just for you
Instead of everyone
And so it goes
She'll stand alone
And try not to remember
Come September
Everything Wrong
Gonna be alright
Come September
sometime...
missing simply means you have already forgotten half
while
forgetting indeed hides a sky of longing for the past
sometime...
crying simply shows half of the pain on the surface
while
smiling indeed hides an ocean of frozen heartache
sometime...
loving someone only means you are half close to his heart
while
eternal separation... fills us with eternal loving
I miss you
but everything wrong
will be alright
come september
Tegar
come September... come come autumn... come come tears falling down like yellow leaves... come come exams... and a new day begins
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