This is LOVE

this is love...

this is accepting our lover's short coming

and love him still

this is reaching for your love

not being afraid you are slowing her down

this is love

trusting and moving together,

 same pace

 same road

 same

what is that?

little affection? blow up till you get dizzy

That wasn't love

what is that?

demanding and questioning? till you exhaust yourselves him

That wasn't love

just thinking

are we in love? were we in love?

when you let go, of ourselves?

give me a chance to love everything about you, your pain, your happiness, your childishness, your smile, your tears... give me a chance to show you I can and I am delighted to take care of you, even if, the clock is ticking and you were moving away from me, to the darkness of life, the twilight of life, merging to another world...

one more time

If I could hold you one more time
Like in the days when you were mine
I'd look at you till I was blind
So you would stay
I'd say a prayer each time you smiled
Cradle the moments like a child
I'd stop the world if only I could
hold you one more time

"I'd look at you till I was blind
would you stay?"

I know you can't. 

and it's ok.

but I know I can't.

stop thinking about u and smile

calling out your name silently, and have sparkling eyes.

and it's not

not ok'

gone

I just saw this picture online and fell for it almost immediately.

"I know that you are really gone"

One of my friends dashed into my room last night with tears filled her eyes. Something happened, Sad things happened. She did not use tissues but towel to stop drops and drops of crystal clears water falling down. Literally, of course. I did not venture to understand the full length of the story... Does it matter? To me? Not quite, 'cuz the onlything that made me worried was HER, crying not the juicy story which anyone can turn into rumor and gossip

we are old enough to understand where to stop, and the boundaries of privacy.

Her love is gone. Thinking of the idea, ...gone... and its layers of complications. As I hugged her to calm her down, I found myself sobbing in side, but the brave front ME, stood strong. We, after all are flesh and bones, weak and structured, all in one. She said she could never make it through, and that she would not be able to stand on her own...Her love was her world. And now everything collapses right in front of her naked eyes

I smiled

Knowing what she was experiencing would give her a precious lesson. Like a journey, she was pushed down from the feverish train of love, left walking bare feet to get out of the Wood of Misery. Hunger, Crave for love, crave for a touch, an answer, a reason. Thirst, long for care, long to get something she thought she owns to be back in her hand. Before she knew it, the pain and the exhaustion has already soaked into her mind. Like poison, like perfume, it lingers, it stays. What can not kill us, will only make us stronger. I know she will soon find out her inner strength. Something I fought for life, to help people around me realize. We, all, can stand strong on our own.

Dear, it hurts, I know, all the trees, branches and thorn i the mistery forest poked your body, scratched your skin... But dance, girls, Dance like the little mermaid ... Dance your way out, find your decision, find your strength. Dane your way out

I hate the idea of being dependent on someone or something

Just a relection, I always love self reflections, asking myself what if I was in her shoes. I was, not what if, but I was. My love was gone. not just love, friendship, things that do not work out. Devastated, I was. But every day when I wake up and find myself breathing, smelling, seeing the world as per normal, I smiled. I am alright. And I moved on, away from all unhappiness. I know I have a CHOICE, to react, to give the final answer. And for crying out loud, I am not gonna choose to let things bring me down

Her case was different. The person is still there, just love has gone away. For me, he passed away, leaving a sky of love on my shoulder, filled my heart. What to say? I watched her sleeping like a baby on my bed while I was struggling with my school work. This is my life... I love it. I thought of my mother, my Ruam, my Indora, they were in my position now and I was in my friend's. We change role in life, dont we? So I have grown up and learn something out of it.... Then it will be her turn... one day, to tell another girl that, everything will be alright.

I am at school now, blogging... Hoping that someone out there may read this message of a heart to a heart... Dont take it too hard on yourself... Dont. It doesnt worth it, we have to move on.

Love, I know that you are really gone. I came into term with it, bit by bit everyday. I doing fab. That's why you love me, not anyone else, cuz through the rain... I see rainbow.

let go

April

Without my notice, April suddenly slipped in, replaced March one fine morning. I guess the whole idea of replacement still hit me badly whenever I came to think about it. All most everything can be replaced and will be replaced in the matter of time. Love, friendship... Even just yesterday we still vowed to be together forever, that our hands would not part, "I will always be there for you", it hurts knowing one day, the person we say all these lies to will not be the same one we did in the past. I believe we did not mean to lie. It just happened. People walked away, people passed away... Yes, March went away, without kissing goodbye.

I was just too engaged with my work that I forgot.
April fool... In deed, yes, I was longing for it last year. His birthday, I prepared a present, my heart sang a little happy song. Today I sat quietly in class, counting the hours slipping away. He could have been 20, you know. We could have been celebrating... I guess, a lot of could have been, would have done, must have been... blah blah blah. But it is death we are talking about. It is not as if he chose to leave, or another way round

So April came, April is here. Just like the reality. I cannot afford to day dream no more. In fact I did not even have much chance to do so in March. You know, JC life is tough. I talked to mom quietly at night, most of the time, half asleep, or just woke up preparing for a sleepless night doing school work. Noone has the right to judge my timing. I do what I neen to do, in time that I can arrange to do. Even if it is a history essay, started at 2 am and finished at 5, it is still my work and certainly, you have absolutely no right to question or comment. But I guess, everyone has the freedom of speech, of commenting, of saying what they think is right. So I take my choice, not to care. I am tired of making you happy, getting your approval. In the end, you will replace me as I perform the same act to you.

So the question is, what stands the test of time, of distance of fate? I believe in family relationship, between parents and child, between siblings and true friends. I have to mention Ruam and Indora who are still here for me up to now. I was so amazed at my own feeling just having a girl night out with Ruam. Here we go, I dont feel awkward, or question myself why the hell I was here, or realized the fact that I did not belong. I do not even have to try being someone I am not. Just me and her. Silly stories, nonsensical, you really dont know how much I need this kind of chilling out. So be it, I do not lock myself in but at the same time realize there is not a need for "socializing" that much. And Indora, the ayam still gives me strength just by her voice, We talk. We discuss, I cried, she laughs, how insane? But she keeps me sane, doing the right thing. And I need not say, I love them so much

How is my April going to be?

May time tell, I have work and plans in mind that I may not reveal until I succeed. But I will try hard, I am sure, I will try my very very best. At the end of the day, it is my own future, my happiness I am responsible for, and along with it, my parents'.

Dear friends,
Thx for reading these lines, written in the middle of my research. Thx for pasing by and actually care. How have you been? I dont blame you or neither do I blame myself if we have not been contacting each other for so long.
"happines is not enough for everybody to have, so dont blame when others forget"
I love this quote from a teen story. I gess, we all need to concentrate on own study, work and CCA now. If we are really friends, sooner or later we will reunite. If not, I am happy for we have found out replacement, new best friends, new gossip mates, a new person to accompany you when you are lost, a new friend to walk you home... I am grateful that you have that someone. 'Cuz as much as I want, far water cannot satisfy constant thirst. Just take the moments we had together as good memories I will cherish as long as I live.
Take care, and shall we make our April meaningful?


Aril is always difficult to me. What a strange statement? If March was full love love and dreams, memories of hope... April hits hard as the cold reality, but it is neccessary that I have to come into terms with it. Accepting is not good enough, make the best of what I have left is much more important, and moved on. Someone I love much died on the 29th of this month. Mom said, 10 years, 20 years down the road I will not be able to forget him. Not forget, she told me, never forget him. For his memories somewhat made me who I am now. But not to dramatize the loss, or emphasize the pain. In the deafing silence, I know, she knows and we know

Quote from a movie "Sky of love"

Whatever happened, I still love the sky

Blue as it is, it is the color of hope, and dreams, Ad Astra, Innovians always say it, to the star.



(I miss you a little too much, but a little less, and a little more bearable as time goes by)

Cut

Cut

Just a fine line or may be more, may be many. Sometime it is unbearable to count the cuts

People do cut.

They cut papers, cut woods... cut to make full use of objects

People do cut

They cut the road, bridge the gap to come nearer to one another. They have to cut, to ease their anxiety. to shorten the time

People do cut

They cut cakes, cut cloths, cut cut cut to share... I give to you a piece of me. WE are on the same boat. Pieces, bits are token of friendship

People do cut

We do cut

We cut each other by all means. I am not talking about the bloody deed of stabbing using death instruments to physically torture human being but yet, I talk about cuts, whereby the defined line we draw between each other becomes clear. Cut of sepearation, cut of hurt using words.



I was cut, by an insane and vulnerable girl who was so helpless. Or rather the act should be described as hurting. I looked at her and what she did to me. She wished this sacrify could make an impact, not seeking attention but provoked thought. I looked at her and pitied the innosence, the good intention, which was wasted. The deafening silence between us is like an open wound. Who is she? Simply me. Of yesterday.

I start to think about cuts so much recentaly. The physical pain is short and compared to the emtional explosion of anger, it seems unremarkable. Open woud can close its mouth. Time does it job dutifully like a routine. Scars are left to remind us the past was real. I learn so much in the past few days, about hurting ourselves or so much more about unintentionally hurting those who actually care.





"Thingking can hurt your chances and I intend to last"

I remember this quote vividly in The Handmaid's Tale. And I remember my mother who told me, "when you hurt yourself, when you fall, when you love the wrong guy and eventually suffer from the relationship, you are putting an invisible cut on yourself. Blood bleed from thses wounds are not much of yours but much of mine." I think a lot of my mother and the way she lives her life. It hurts cuz the greatest gift she gave to me the day I was born was her sensitivity. She feels too much therefore I feel too much, care too much. And sometime, that kills your chances of lasting in this surrounding



So what is that suppose to do with cut?



We accidentally cut a deep line between us by slamming the door on our one another's face. The door is the cut. Now there is no more us, just u and your world. Me and my life.

We cut our friends by words, screaming, shouting, swearing saying things we do not mean to say (and we tend to do it more and more each day)

You cut me by hurting yourself. Crazy huh? What about me? I merely feel your pain. But what if I do? Your physial pain is my emtional defeat. I am helpless, unable to heal you, to stop you from hurting yourself.



My wound heals fast, my skin is thick and bold. But the bruise under it remained. and there is this invisible cut that left a scar on my heart.



You cut yourself hence you cut me. We cut each and every one of us out of the word US.

Where do we go from here?

Helpless

so I smile
and act alright...

...not the 1st time... nor the last, I am aware
I felt so helpless over what is happening, what is going to happen and what happened to my loved one. I wish I could travel through time... through distance to change things... or even if I can not make a difference, I wish to be there or had been there for them...

My mom was waiting outside the room for her operation this afternoon.
More than hours... on her own. Tired, exhausted, frightened... traumatized by the smell, the sight of the hospital...
And where was I? Singapore, in a nice class room...air condition...

I felt sick... frustrated...I want to know what was happening... where she was
But I can't. Ended up forcing myself to lessons, as usual, acted strong
When Kannan gave me the piece of work... full of words I could not bring myself to read and make sense to all those...letters? He looked at me, sympathized.
My heart was not there.
I dashed out of the classroom to make a call to dad.
Just to know mom was with the German doctor.

I asked myself and felt helpless

... where was I?

when my friend cut herself out of guilt, out of ridiculous crime she did not commit
when my best friend was told she has tumor, 18 years old, all alone in a foreign land
when he decided to leave the world, 19 years old

or just when my BPL needs a listening ear, need a friend, a simple question which show she is loved and cared.

Today when my mother had operation...
Where was I?

Forgive me, I am also all over the places. How I want to be with you but I fail you and I fail myself. I am doing the best I can

so I smile
act alright
when I am traumatized
say "it's gonna be fine"

I don't cry ... I know my mother will soon recover.
Hope she can see me with my new fringe, see me found my inspiration to study and passion for photography again.
I am helpless... I am aware, I am. But if the distance between us can me measured by ruler, if land can connect us to one another. I promise I will never leave your side, maybe not physically but mentally.

I am here
with arms open
I am here
without judgment
I am here
...for u

Lullaby for mom

sleep tight, will you, I am singing for u...
from a far far away land, I am singing the lullaby of my heart for you

sweet dreams, mother....
May the stars in the sky dim their lights
May darkness come, enveloping you, like a blanket
May the pain sleep... may the torture stop

Dream, mother, dream about us...
Dream about the colorful Hanoi in spring
Dream about the crowded streets during peek hour
Dream about days when you held my tiny hands, crossing the street to school
Mother now I am taking MRT, all on my own
I often overslept and missed the station
Mom, dont stop dreaming...

Please, time, stop for a while
Let my mom's hands rest... stop sewing, stop knitting, stop...
Let my mom's eyes stop searching for my image... I am not coming home any soon
Let my mom fly... in her dreams

Because of her... I forget all reasons to cry
forget anger, forget revenge, forget lies
forget myself

My blood bleeds from her heart,
My tears flows from her eyes
My pain felt by her soul

Sleep, mom
When u wake up, ur pain will be just a nightmare
I am here, singing for u
my lullaby, from my heart, to yours
from my childhood
from my teenage
from every single second, I have you with me, always

...praying for the success of mom's operation