never mind?

so... it has come to my attention that I don't really "get" the awesomeness of music hits nowadays.

First it was the Grenade song, which hit me like a grenade, literally. While people's hearts are bursting out... in tears like a grenade singing the darn song, I find myself rolling my eyes -.-" It's a typical physical reaction of a snobbish individual a.k.a me... Friends of mine thought the song was darn romantic, breathtaking beauty, I felt like a troll for being so disagreeable.

'Cuz here is the deal, my friend. I see no bravery, no romance, no ultimate love in such suicidal love. "I'll catch a Grenade for you"... yeah... and what? leaving me alive watching you being torn off into pieces? Funny, thanks but no thanks. The whole idea is traumatizing and ridiculously obnoxious, in my personal opinion. However the whole idea that there is actually an individual who could actually see any romance in it frightens me even more. No wonder why the girl doesn't want you. And dear, you really really don't have to agree with me. Wait till you actually experience the trauma of loosing someone dear, then we shall sit down and talk: whether or not you still want a dead boyfriend and a unfinished romance to store in your memory. It's not gonna be a pleasant conversation, I assure you. 

Then "Someone like you" rolls in and I raised eyebrows. It's another depressing song - I have nothing against the singer. She is mad talented. The problem is that I have no idea what you all are thinking... "Never mind I'll find someone like you" It's like after a failed relationship, you want to go back and find another clone - like reading the same book with different covers, knowing very well how it's gonna tragically end.

We - humans, tend to look for sadness and pain for some odd reasons. I wonder if the whole idea of having an ordinary boyfriend who is at the very least alive for you has become outdated, mediocre and odd. I wonder if the whole idea of learning from your mistake, that THIS kind of guys ain't gonna work out with me hence, let's find a totally different type of men has also become strange... Must we? for crying out loud, jump into the same trap twice and then blame Fate for her cruelty.

Remember you took the plunge yourself. I am just saying.

And never mind me :) Just mind what you listen to. 

if a day is started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love, it can never go wrong...

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Dedicated to my T-List girls, I am back
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You have been travelling alone at the age of 14, through UK, Italy, Thailand... you name it. You have had outstanding days - living in the priest dorm in Vatican, walking in the rain in Bath hands in hands with your crush, talking to perfect strangers who seemed to be your soul mate...Just so you would not start to beat around the bush, you remind yourself that you should like to make this statement loud and clear: "there have been a lot of amazing days in my travelling life - but I dare say, not that many, or indeed barely ANY could beat THIS day of ours (with my Ferina and JinSol. It all started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love... and life proves me right, a day started so glorious, would NEVER go wrong..."


Bear with yourself, my love - for going through your dirty laundry list is really not your niche. You have scrutinized your own blog from the very first entry - just so you had to quit writing recently because you could never be the kind of bloggers who goes like: "Oh, today I meet S. chat with G. go shopping with A. and OH MY GOD, we bought this and that from brand X Y Z -.-" No not me not I. However such a wonderful day like today, you believe "love is contagious. I must share and pass this happiness forward..." that's why you went on twitter, announced your sudden comeback to the blogger world with your ultimate close friends online.  So here you go:

So let's start at 7:03. When the alarm started to "shout like an ehhhh ohhhhh" (Cassie joke), and because you could barely stand that particular song, you opened your eyes to finish the final project. Being outstandingly (and shockingly) productive, you were able to leave the dorm nest in Dankook University at 10 in your ultimate favorite dress... and never would you ever imagine, happiness could simply start with 3 words...

magical words

"I miss you"

... does it ring a bell?

"I miss you"

Perhaps it does not, to others, because in this plain and soundless font, it's meaningless. But imagine a tune... a beautiful tune that captured your heart for the past 3 years with odd; the particular tune that made your heart skip thousand beats whenever you heard it over the radio, in a shop or somewhere near Korean town; that tune that depicts your ultimate feeling with the only band you ever call yourself fan of...

You are right. Hell-to-the-yeah, you are bloody RIGHT, and you knew it immediately. The six Japanese girls who were walking in a group behind your back as you were rushing to the bus station were Tohoshinki's fans. Simply by listening to those 3 words, you could tell, that was Tohoshinki's "Miss You" - that MUST be. And instead of smiling goofily to yourself, you turned around and ask: "Isn't it Tohoshinki's song? Are you BigEast?"

That was JUST enough for them to scream their hearts out in joy. And the rest was history. You talked and talked just like that time you found the lady who owned a CD shop in Kangnam, who went to Yonsei University, married and still displayed the Hall of Honor for DB5K in her shop... You talked and talked and one of the girl asked you who your bias was, which you replied with Yunho - immedi-freaking-ately she pulled out her purse, took out a BigEast limited picture of Yunho and Changmin and handed it you as a gift. You talked and talked and were told that: "Really? Not a lot of people talk about DB5K anymore here? We still love DB5K a lot and many of us are waiting for their comeback, as 5 of course" and you were breathless...

... and you realized you had become weary of the news, the drama, the boys themselves - to be fcking honest. You have been proud of yourself for not being a blind fan since day1 - for that you could clearly state that Heading to the Ground by your bias Yunho was a poor excuse of buying attention from the poor excuse of a script writer and the broadcasting company. For that you have been sick of J.Y.J new songs and albums because you know it best: these boys are talented ballad singer/song writers - but for the sake of topping chart, they are relishing dance songs to maintain their presence in the industry (compared to ballad, dance songs usually do much better on chart - name it Gee, RingDingDong, Sorry Sorry, Mirotic...)

... and for a moment, you became honest with yourself - you have been weary of the boys themselves. You no longer maintain that high level of interest in Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Yuchun and Junsu - you skip several news about them, stop staring and adore every freaking picture posted on DBSKnights. But what keep you? What keep you here with them until this moment, 2 years after the law-fcking-suit?

It's no longer the boy - individually or even, you dare say any duo, trio of them. You hate the new music, new songs. You hate soul-searching for the missing voices in every freaking single song. If not for DB5K individually then who? Now you know the answer: it is BigEast and Cassiopeia that keep the faith - keep YOUR faith... The songs have all changed, the boys have grown up callous with groundless scandals and unbearable pressure/injustice but Cassiopeia/BigEast's chant? It's still the same...


And on this day you met a perfect stranger whose only link to you was the love for the five boys you have never interacted in your life, on that day she handed you this beautiful gift of friendship - you believe it must be a message from above: Linhieee, hang on. It's ok to get weary, it's ok to be disheartened. It's ok that the fire of the torch you promise to hold on for them - like the sparkle of the light house so that them 5 can return "home" home as DB5K in the storm is weak! You are NOT alone, there will be 800 000+170 000 +++ Cassie here to fuel your fire. We are in this together, just for them...

You smiled brightly. The T-bus card you thought you forgot in the dorm suddenly appeared in your bag, next to your iTouch. You happened to visit Gyeongbok Palace right at the moment the guard-change ceremony took place. You were given a JYJ Nature Republic free gift by chance. You visited Bukchin Hanok Village and lost breath by its beauty. You had a wholehearted delicious dinner with your best friend and MakKoLi. You did not sleep on the bus as usual and happened to catch the Jaejoong advertisement on Lotter Duty Free building when the bus passed by MyongDong (support JJ's Protect the Boss ad). You talked to strangers on the bus, had a great time and came back just to hear HoMin's Back to Tomorrow:

A solitary flower, pure in bloom in a tree, so fragile but proud 
Looking at you full of youthful zest, tears are beginning to overflow 
Let’s walk the long road, once again from the beginning 
Tomorrow should shine　BACK BACK BACK now, please BACK BACK BACK with me 
Should surely shine again　BACK BACK BACK together BACK BACK BACK with you

A day started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love would never go wrong... They call it coincidental - you know it's sign and it's fate. You tell yourself: screw the rest - stans and whatnot. Realistically - as a level headed Business major chick, you know it - DB5K would never go back as 5 as long as the butthurt SM is still involved. But this is why we call it faith, when everything is impossible there is still faith - and for faith, you tell yourself: let's just take it one day at a time. They maybe back after serving the army? They maybe back a year from now? OR right this December... it doesn't matter. They will be back and for you... that's just far enough.

...

had a wonderful day! and will go on having more wonderful days under the Rising Sun

I cried a river today

just want to remember today - the day I walked pass Gangnam station, through gate six, clutching a particular book closely to my sob, boarded on Bus 8101 till the bus termination.

I know why I cried, and I will always remember why I cried today

"Please look after your mother"
Yes I will, no matter what, I am going to take care of parents. They are precious to me, yes they are, more than the air I breath.

New generation of Janitors - and the People we thought of as Friends

Perhaps it is really hard to maintain a blog that doesn’t contain a single rant from the blogger. But hey, bloggers are humans and are sentient beings, just like any other homo sapien out in the streets. Well, here’s mine.

It is sometimes unfathomable how friends call you friends with their mouth, and you take their word so seriously you defend them with everything you’ve got. But sadly, it ended up us being the janitors cleaning up the mess our ‘friends’ have created for us. And yet, because they are indeed our friends (regardless whether they see us as tools, toys, or pushovers), we still help them because our conscience egged us to.

Yes, I am indeed the new generation of janitors the world sees today. I do not clean the faeces men and women physically produce every day as a part of their lives. I clean a different kind of manure, less filthy in smell but at least twice as foul as its brown-coloured cousin. I clean the shit people I know throw at me.

Wait, this is different from helping friends doing something. I am a helper, and I love to help my friends with their things, even if sometimes I have a bad feeling about it. But this is completely different from people asking you to help solve the troubles they’ve created. Because of this, I am in an awkward position. I have questions to answer, of which I do not know the exact answer because only the firestarter knows it better than I do. Similar to a janitor, when the supervisor asks how come there’s faeces outside of the toilet bowl. The janitor just shrugs and cleans up the mess anyway, even if that doesn’t belong to the poor janitor.

Until now, I’m still doing my janitorial duties because nobody else is willing to do so. But thankfully, I’ve learnt something important during my work at an IT company for a month. Whatever shit they throw at me, I do not pick them up and treat them as if it’s my own.

These shit aren’t mine. I’ll clean it, but they’re not mine. I will not delve into depression thinking about how these people could do such lowly thing to their own friends (or whatever they call me). I will not allow my emotional stability to be disrupted by troubles that aren’t caused by me in the first place.

Perhaps I should remind myself of this saying from a certain tutor:

If you give me shit, I’ll give you double the shit.

But I guess I’m too nice to return the ‘favour’ anyway.

by GouJun Lee

when you are finally here

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I always tell myself, that day I will allow myself to cry my eyes out.
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that
day
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when you are finally here.
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all these years of holding on, letting go, growing up... all these pains that I muffle with my pride, one day, when you are finally here,... I will be able to say it all, cry them out - I will be able to walk down the street with feather steps - rest my burdened heart. I will stop being the wonder woman I am not. To love, to care, to be loved, to be cared for. I still believe, no matter what, that day will come.
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. what takes you so long?

April showers! Bring me fowers

...down pours the rain - the memories of love, remain

It's been 3 months with odds since Fatty's death. Things still go on, I wake up every morning - breathing evenly, I go to school, do homework, attend meetings - cry once in a while for no rhyme or reason in the middle of no where, and then I wipe all my tears away - like nothing happens.

'Cuz nothing happens, nothing actually happens. Come April showers, bring me spring flowers. The merciless cycle of life and death. Today, I am drenched in the cold rain, with my hair royally fucked up and my notes soaked. Winds still blow and cruel scoring sun still dries away everything under the sky like nothing Just happened. Nothing happens or had happened 'Cuz no matter how much I cry, life still goes on as if I haven't lost someone I love, someone dear. So I don't make it a public scene anymore. 'Cuz no one freaking really cares a part of me dies along with their departure... No one knows behind the closed door, in the rain, on her way back in pitch dark, a young girl took off her tough mask wearily and let her tears fall.

April Rain.

It's not the first time I could not say goodbye to the one I love. After Aricin's death, comes grandma's sudden departure - and Fatty slipped away in pain. My Fatty suffered so much before he slipped away, so much that my heart shatters at the mere memories of our last farewell. He was being coy and did not come to say goodbye to me when I was leaving for America. I told him - "As if you are that special" and left. He walked up stair in silence. The darkness swallowed him - I was breathless for a moment but I did nothing... I left, not knowing the next time I could see him was through Skype, he could barely stand up, barely breath, barely eat anything or drink. But stand up he did, crawled toward the computer where he could hear my voice more clearly... Mom said he could have another day or two... December 26, 2010 at roughly 2pm Vietnam time, eternally he rests, my Fatty, my love, my "master of the house". Mom and dad sent Fatty to grandmother. Dad took half day off, driving in the December rain to bring Fatty to his last home on earth. I wasn't there. 
I
Was
Not
There

April Rain.

And the days slowly creeps in ... gentle reminder that Aricin had been gone for so so long. 4 years. I turned 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 soon without him. I grow older than Aricin, when he passed away at the age of 19. I have so much more to give, so much more to live for - so I bite my lips and press on. Whenever someone tells me it's impossible, that I cannot do it, that this is off my reach, I bites my lips again and press on. For the girl, loved by Aricin, will never be a quitter - she will create miracle and nothing less than perfection. Fearless as I seem, I am scared of free time, scared of nothingness, scared of having that much freedom on my own. I am scared that without fail, my heart goes back to the grave I left my love rest in peace years ago. 

April Rain.
The merciless cycle of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring goes on. When April rain comes, I know it's time ... The memories relieve. Like dead flowers of the yester-year, new love springs up from the grave of the past. I wonder, still wonder, that one day when my heart learns to love again, will I still cry whenever April comes and leaves? Will I still remember how Aricin's departure changed me forever? How I learn to let go of everything dear - the last lesson he taught me, taught me really well?

So here I kneel, in the memories of grandmother, my guardian angel, bless me with strength and will power. She who knew loneliness. She who lived 43 years of her life in the remembrance her husband, her lover, her life knew longing and strength, and loyalty and everything that I admire. Bless me with your wisdom - it's April, grandmother, and I should not lie: I miss him so...

the fridge's story

It's been a while since I last wrote. 

I wonder if you still check on my blog (the decaying one, the abandoned one) - I had always been very hurtful and sour. I never thought you would bother - you always seemed too cool and oblivious. But that was a mask - a lock that I could not decode. When you finally broke down and told me how painful my words pierced right through you, I was stunned. I did not mean to pain you. So:

I did not write anymore. Somehow, some way, I could not do it - intentionally hurting you. So I quit for a long while - that could have been the period I spent the most time of my life with myself.  :) I started collecting my own thoughts and stuff them all in this tiny *ar inside my heart. There must be a crack somewhere, I do not know, but whenever I open that precious treasure of mine, all the pain already vanish. Ah... maybe this is how he used to do it. I tell myself so, I still remember your eyes reflecting the summer blue sky - At some point, I wonder why you kept reading it, why you did not tell me that you cared. But would it matter? 

It was the past. This story is no longer about you or anyone else, but a fridge - MY fridge.

So here is the deal :) I bought my 1st fridge with my very own 1st pay check in America. it was $129 with a freezer inside. I was given a small red rice cooker with steamer. :) Nothing much, you may laugh but somehow, I think I am ready for the world. Baby steps, I know - I am living on my own for the first time and this very thought is not that frightening. I should not dramatize it too much 'cuz I figure out it's part of growing up. Still it's a challenge. I am going to live well. 

There is still laundry to be done and applications to fill in :) So I am gonna stop my entry very soon. 

It's a $129 fridge but it's mine - I kept looking at it since last night when I put it together on my own. trying to figure out how it worked. I can tell you right now that I am indeed proud. 

You should be happy for me. I know you are. 

We may not love each other the way the other person wants to - or the way love should be defined but I know we would never wish anything but the best for the other person. For that I am grateful. April is coming and April has always been hard for me. But as I look at my fridge sitting proudly on one side of the room right now, I think I will make it :)

I am really happy here - as happy as I can be