Batch outing - things I learn

8 a.m.
Message Rach to Rummy:
Morning darling, I am in front of VH, going for batch outing in ECP.Up yet?
Reply from Rummy:
Since when do you go for "batch outing"? lol

Ruam certainly knows me well. Sometime too well to be true. The last time I went for my nationality-batch outing was in 200... never mind the memories, it was in sec 4. The last attempt to salvage something that could never be the same. That, I learned the hard way out. It was not pain any more, the messy after math but indeed bitterness. I was not right, but I can't bring myself to blame it all on me either. What I did, I paid the price. I walked off, never looked back.

As I walked with a different group of people on the same path I once shared with my initial batch mates, I could not help but compared: myself 2 years ago and now. They all call me with the same name: My Linh but certainly a name cannot possibly depict a person. The same name can carry so much negative at the same time, sweet connotation. I have changed so much I can hardly recognize myself in my own reflection. But I am not sadden, someone pleased, someone regretful I could not keep my pure heart safe.

There is a clear difference between a friend and a mere batch mate. Many people confuse themselves thinking naively that we are all friends. WRONG! Class mates, batch mates, school mates, room mates.... you name them, are not friends. They are simply people who share the same situation with us. What makes you think by putting a two strangers into the same box (box -mate, j/k) they will be able to understand one another, like one another...? Define friends, and you can jolly see it for yourself we all don't have that many friends. Acquaintances, beautiful definition! It takes so much more to be a friend of someone.

I was once full of eagerness, hope to redeem what was seemingly my sin in the past, while yesterday, I was pretty much apathetic. I was up at 7.30 a.m to make bread with Cindy, Fanie, Pei Xia and Michelle. It was really fun till I snapped and walked off. Do they know I was nervous?

I was afraid I would not enjoy myself to the max as I would keep thinking of the past, the night my initial batch sat together under the stars, talking and having fun - the last bit of sincere enjoyment we could share. It was bliss, now what is it?

However, yesterday was a BLAST.

I did not once look back and burdened my heart with what I had already buried into the sand of time.

Things I learned today, things that are real: I can walk without the past weighing down my shoulders. I can run in the sun, let the wind comb my hair, then mess it up with salty water of the deep blue sea. I can tug bitterness inside my heart for years, unable to trust and love yet one day, unconsciously I will be able to receive love sincerely like the sunshine naturally pours its warmth on my tanned skin...

I had fun today. I was touched by certain gestures of Innovians, of Cindy-Fanie-Vanessa who learned to enjoy my erratic behavior and sarcastic nature, of the ever-emo yeat surprisingly caring Andika, of the brightness in Lintang's smile...

4 more months and off we go. I will bring away with me to another land, the music of youth
+their laughters
+Vanessa's unbearable, unlovable scream which freaked Andika out
+Ibam weird music in his Ipod and his obnoxious nature
+songs that we sang along with Ivan, Chandra and Andika's guitar. Emo songs... break up songs, songs of friendship and love, for who knows how many of you have ever experienced true love or will ever encounter it in our lives

I will bring with me moments
+the games: Frisbee, Captain (Ibam's) Ball, throwing people into the sea...
+the process of "taking" excessive number of bread slide from OH to make our packed lunch fr the whole batch
+the mixing and cooking
+the waking up and screaming at one another

I will carry in my heart, the touch
+My hands in the firm and protective hands of Andika, Cindy, Pei Xia, guiding me when I was learning how to do in line skating.
+the high five when my team score a point in Captain balls
+the soft touch Cindy placed on my hand early in the morning to wake me up from my lala land
+the hug, me and Lintang, again, I truly miss her. me and the girls, I wish I can keep my promise with them till the end of time
+the light push in the head, me covering van's mouth to stop her from screaming as we carry her to throw into the sea

...

Unconsciously I call them my friends, not all, some, most of them. Unconsciously I place a tremendous burden in their hands, the power over me, to bring me utter happiness and (hopefully not) shatter my heart.

...

I haven't been to the beach for such a long time to relax and chill out. As the wind messed up my hair, I found bliss... I shall not think to much...
Yet there is something I know for sure, I am walking away from darkness, bitterness of the past toward the warmth of the sun

I am only 20 once

think

it's funny, in a sad way
how it is so hard for some people to understand?
eps. for someone who is turning 18 (for crying out loud)

may be it is easier
not knowing what is wrong or right.

It is really NOT about WHO you wronged that turns me off
you did not wrong me, as far as I am concerned
I refuse to take side... there is not such a need to complicate my life this way.

It is really WHAT you did that make me look at you in a totally different light.
I am not perfect in any possible way.
Still I have not yet lost my moral compass

why is this simple thing so hard for people to figure out?
Please don't insult me by thinking that I have to take my friend's side to maintain our friendship. I don't trade my morality for such absurd reason. It does not make sense. When my friend is wrong, I can tell her straight ahead: you are bloody incorrect. The only different is that I would not leave my friend even though I may disagree with her. Are you my friend from the first place? Are you "friend" enough to understand where I was coming from?

I cared.
with the capital D which denotes the past tense.
It also implies I don't bother anymore.
it is a waste, to explain to someone 3 times that the person is not correct
and see no change
I do not talk to just anybody, not to mention attempt to correct things that do not affect my life.
yet I actually tried.

The fact that there is no change, simply shows
the person does NOT have the intellectual capacity to think

Out of frustration I am typing this out, after remarkable reflection of self and acquaintances'behaviors.

A lesson learned: if someone even bother to insult you or tell you off: the person still CARES about you and at least, in stead of fighting back to show that you are RIGHT (chances are: YOU ARE NOT): LISTEN and REFLECT

I am learning also.
in every possible way, I am trying to control my behavior most of the time. Van said I am someone who cannot tolerate stupidity. it is true, I guess, not knowing something, not realizing something is a misfortune. It is plainly ... sad that you don't have the capacity to understand it. But pretending to know something you don't to look good, worse still: pretending not knowing you are wrong to commit an act, well, that's what pisses me off the most.

If you know it is wrong yet you still insist on doing it, at least don't pretend that you are morally correct. In that way, I can still respect you and your determination to continue what you started. You can't have it all. Pretending to be a nice person while stabbing your friends from the back... or something like that.


I don't know in which direction I am developing my characters and principles. One thing for sure: I don't want to pretend to like someone I don't, to be fair, I will tell you what I dislike about you. We try to figure it out. If it does not work... let's not bother.

GOSH, think!
How hard is it?

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

I whispered... breathless!

I am exhausted of questions falling into emptiness... without an answer

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

I long to be able to sleep with a smile.















どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？
why?

Something lost

it is like walking bare in the wind...
You know you are missing something... something is not there and it is not correct.

I am much too young and it was much too wrong.

It is tearing me inside.

As if I am walking bare in the rain, bare...
Just that it is much too cold... much too wrong.
My body slips into this state of numbness...
unable to feel each drop of bullets, smashing against my pale skin which was deepening into purple shade
I know something is missing yet I am unable to spell it out.
How can I make it right? When I don't even know what goes wrong?

Aimless existence without any passion, without fire, burning desire
What am I doing here? now?

I am aware I am lost.
Yet my trembling lips frozen in the ice of my breath cannot call out... that piece of heart missing.




나 단 한사람 그대에게만

속삭이는 설레임에 눈이 부실...




It is this feeling that I have traded for my mental stability, for carefree sleep at night, dreamless nightmareless... painless.
it was this feeling that made me human, made me... ME.
I tremble... as each and every word spelling out to me each and every word... As if the fire finally was able to crack the shell, melt the ice... I bleed again... red, warmth, ache


yet


I am much too weak and this is much too wrong
I am much too weak and this is much too out of reach.
here I am... capturing my missing heart piece in my mind... for what? I laugh at myself with pure sarcasm... Even if I finally realize it, will I be able to make a change? Am I too afraid to make this change...

I miss this feeling which is lost.
or maybe it is still here, under layers and layers of ice.




I really miss this.
...pure.... innocent... sincere...



나 단 한사람 그대에게만

속삭이는 설레임에 눈이 부실...



piano... I play piano again. Play, not practice. Play means,spending time with the black and white notes, having fun, talking to them... caressing them with my fingers... press... light and hard! My emotion awed me. I thought I was unable to really touch and feel wooden notes with such emotion again. Yet piano tracks are the only thing I listen to now... Memorizing the notes.... let my deaf ears hear again.
I played something for myself, the elegy of my heart, this song, for something lost. for that particular feeling which I froze inside. This simple song... nothing special to most pianists means the world to me now.

This trade... Why does it cost so much to keep my eyes dry?

for someone else

sometime, when I cannot have something... something great
sometime, when I cannot reach for something... something far away

I give my dream up for someone else
I give away this chance to experience love for others who have someone to love and to hold.

Just like that, I pray, one day I can cry out love in the middle of the the earth and he can hear me even in heaven.

I did not like hospitals. I do not like that particular place until now. But since I cannot take care of my grand mother who is old and weak, I volunteer to work in Alexandra hospital, to talk to other elderly, those who need accompany. Maybe somewhere at home, my grand mother will have someone young, some crazy twenty year old girl to lessen her loneliness. Since I could not take care of my own lover, I reminded my friends every now and then not to be selfish and give in to their bf more. I talk to them when they fight, try to be the bridge (and pray that they will build their relationship strong enough to close all gaps and discard this bridge asap for I am not that interested to stand in between). Since I could not do so much when I was young due to a lack of direction, I took internship as teacher. The money was the worst among all the jobs I was offered. I stayed back late after my classes just to talk to them. I wished someone could have told me all these things before... Since I did not have, I gave it to them now. Hopefully they can be better off

I wish I could do more for him. But he is no longer mine, maybe he is still, but only in my mind, I pass this love away to others, those in love, those who still have this precious chance to fight, to be angry at one another, to break up and make up again... Places that I kept as secret for us, unknown restaurants that I wanted to share with him... things that usually my friends would not notice, I do. Waited and waited for for him who could not meet me at the end of the road eventually. Shall I hold on to those little secrets? those precious secrets? Love is a funny thing... I treasured it, held it so close to my heart. It slipped away.

I could not do anything. Should I say sorry for even with that NOTHING I did, I did my best? Maybe not. Cuz we part out ways. I am walking in another direction today. Yet when I see things that I could have done, I would love to have done them yet unable to... I smile though feel something tearing inside... and give them all away the couple T-shirts, the address of that romantic places... well, you name it, you know me.

Since there is no more "him" to begin with, why should I be selfish and keep them for myself? While there are others who can be so happy - for my share of happiness?

Happiness is not enough for everyone to get... As I give up, one by one things that I want to do, objects that I want to possess... I wonder: what is left for me?






P/S:About the MV. Another Korean MV. I wanted to post something of DBSK.I had something in mind, but it is too heart breaking. Kiss Shita Mama, Sayonara. So I put this instead. Like one of the characters who could not give his sick girlfriend a good break out of the hospital before she died, he brought this stranger out... let her breath life... and dreamed that it was his girl friend he did this to. If we can turn back time? Would we? Could we?

5 min

5 min with mom

That's what it takes to make my day

5 min with mom to talk about all the nonsensical stuff that one can possibly share with her best friend, soul mate.

That's what it takes to make me smile

We have this emotional and spiritual connection, me and her... wherever we are, we are connected. Like a red string, connected by thousands of tight knots. I have not been out of my hostel for 2 days, so has she not gotten out of our house for the same period of time. Sometime, i will call her, crying just to hear about her heartbreak experience at the same time, just a week later simply for one reason: either one of us has to be strong for one another.

But today we laugh, about mother and daughter, about how proud yet worried she is about my SAT result. I made it! Now there are more opprotunities for me to get out of this land. yet when I think about it, it must be much harder in the future to just sms and expect mom to call all the way from Vietnam to America.

But this is the bond I am talking about, the one and only long distance relationship I have that never fails. She is there and I am here.

Sometime, no matter how depressed I can be.

Just 5 min

Talk to her

We may fight, oh gosh, we do fight a lot about thousands of issues.

But who cares, at the end of the day, I long for her cool and slender fingers, I miss her laugh and her silly remark upon my fashion or my taste in guys. (I still strongly believe I will find a better man than my father - who at the moment, is the best possible husband one can dream of)

Seriously who cares, if people laugh when I announcemybest girl friend: mom. Ruam's best friend is also her mother (whom I totally admire and love) Mothers know best if you bother sharing with them your silly little secret (like I told mom I am nuts about Yunho DBSK and I am so gonna learn Japanese)

5 min with mom
It really makes my day

more colorful... with rainbow
more cheerful... with laughter
more love... with her unconditional love


Back to work ^^
Not another song of the day, though I have a piece in mind. I think mom would go crazy if I associate her with a Korean song. But if she permits, TIMELESS, definitely is the one for us

Directiion

"To love is not to look at one another
But to look together in the same direction"

The message reached me at 7 a.m. this morning, as expected. Someone has been sending me a quote, a line of encouragement, a word of care... sometime, useful information about the possible bad weather every day at 7 a.m. since the day I was discharged from the hospital.

I am really grateful.

I believe you are reading my blog and checking my facebook.
I guess chances are you are not a Vietnamese, for you spell things wrongly in an extremely funny manner. But again, maybe you are for you know things only people who read my Vietnamese blog would be aware of.

I am really grateful that you care in such a quiet manner.
Thank you for not demanding anything from me, not even a reply for I have never done or planning to do so.
Thank you for understanding me, the fact that I would not be able to meet up with any possible expectation or would want to be expected.

I will not call your number, question your identity, reply or make a mess out of nothing. As you respect me silence, I respect your animosity. The message I receive this morning really means a lot to me. Even as friends or lovers, looking at the same direction is indeed the most important thing.

For if we do, even if we part midway due to some unfortunate incidents, we will meet one another again at the end of the road.

I just want to let you know. I am really grateful.
And I learn something today
from you

Song for the day


Travel Log by DBSK
If I walk across the sea, will I be able to meet you?

To the person who sms me, and whoever is reading my monologue: as I believe in this path I am choosing, I will be able to meet the one for me. I wish you the same, hope you will be able to find love for yourself. If you are walking alone, keep walking. If you are waiting, keep your faith.

it does take courage to be single