from now on

I have never stopped thinking about writing.

this is the truth

It's within me - the urge to write, to jot down a line or two of something strange that overtakes my breath for a moment. I still compose a little bit of everything everyday, unspoken, unwritten words. I will end up pondering about those thoughts for a few days, asking myself whether I should or should not materialize these secrets of mine... I end up shielding them all away from this world. 

And so I built. It's like a library inside your head. It's messy and smells like old papers in rainy seasons. There are no walls just white wooden bookshelves that stack up from the bottom of the floor to the ceiling. I fill them full with muted desire, muffle cry and desperate longing. Those are MINE, I said. But as I stand in front of my newly conquered triumph, I feel out of breath... Ah... I miss the feeling of sharing, of having his head on my laps as we both drifted off to the two different worlds that our books took us. I miss that feeling of curling up inside my room, with a book in my hand, the warm yellow light and some highlighters. There are unspoken words that I cannot share with the world now - I keep them here safe. 

but from now on

from now on, I would like to brush away my fear. I don't owe anyone out there an explanation for what I do and do not. This is fiction, this is the thought that takes my breath away... a scene from my imagination of a girl named her and a guy named him. This isn't me or someone I know - but as I write I would like to get to know them. It isn't something that happened or will happen or must happen... Maybe one day I would keep my promise and write about them in a proper manner. Maybe one day I would string those fragmented bits and pieces of their stories together and make sense out of this confusion... 

These are the possibilities. I don't know. I can't possibly know right now for I am buried alive with a tiny straw to breath under what it's called: my reality. It's just nice, that I have somewhere else to go every time I want to. That there is always a place, the place where they live, fall in and out of love.

from now on, let's just take it easy

and 

breath ...

never mind?

so... it has come to my attention that I don't really "get" the awesomeness of music hits nowadays.

First it was the Grenade song, which hit me like a grenade, literally. While people's hearts are bursting out... in tears like a grenade singing the darn song, I find myself rolling my eyes -.-" It's a typical physical reaction of a snobbish individual a.k.a me... Friends of mine thought the song was darn romantic, breathtaking beauty, I felt like a troll for being so disagreeable.

'Cuz here is the deal, my friend. I see no bravery, no romance, no ultimate love in such suicidal love. "I'll catch a Grenade for you"... yeah... and what? leaving me alive watching you being torn off into pieces? Funny, thanks but no thanks. The whole idea is traumatizing and ridiculously obnoxious, in my personal opinion. However the whole idea that there is actually an individual who could actually see any romance in it frightens me even more. No wonder why the girl doesn't want you. And dear, you really really don't have to agree with me. Wait till you actually experience the trauma of loosing someone dear, then we shall sit down and talk: whether or not you still want a dead boyfriend and a unfinished romance to store in your memory. It's not gonna be a pleasant conversation, I assure you. 

Then "Someone like you" rolls in and I raised eyebrows. It's another depressing song - I have nothing against the singer. She is mad talented. The problem is that I have no idea what you all are thinking... "Never mind I'll find someone like you" It's like after a failed relationship, you want to go back and find another clone - like reading the same book with different covers, knowing very well how it's gonna tragically end.

We - humans, tend to look for sadness and pain for some odd reasons. I wonder if the whole idea of having an ordinary boyfriend who is at the very least alive for you has become outdated, mediocre and odd. I wonder if the whole idea of learning from your mistake, that THIS kind of guys ain't gonna work out with me hence, let's find a totally different type of men has also become strange... Must we? for crying out loud, jump into the same trap twice and then blame Fate for her cruelty.

Remember you took the plunge yourself. I am just saying.

And never mind me :) Just mind what you listen to. 

if a day is started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love, it can never go wrong...

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Dedicated to my T-List girls, I am back
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You have been travelling alone at the age of 14, through UK, Italy, Thailand... you name it. You have had outstanding days - living in the priest dorm in Vatican, walking in the rain in Bath hands in hands with your crush, talking to perfect strangers who seemed to be your soul mate...Just so you would not start to beat around the bush, you remind yourself that you should like to make this statement loud and clear: "there have been a lot of amazing days in my travelling life - but I dare say, not that many, or indeed barely ANY could beat THIS day of ours (with my Ferina and JinSol. It all started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love... and life proves me right, a day started so glorious, would NEVER go wrong..."


Bear with yourself, my love - for going through your dirty laundry list is really not your niche. You have scrutinized your own blog from the very first entry - just so you had to quit writing recently because you could never be the kind of bloggers who goes like: "Oh, today I meet S. chat with G. go shopping with A. and OH MY GOD, we bought this and that from brand X Y Z -.-" No not me not I. However such a wonderful day like today, you believe "love is contagious. I must share and pass this happiness forward..." that's why you went on twitter, announced your sudden comeback to the blogger world with your ultimate close friends online.  So here you go:

So let's start at 7:03. When the alarm started to "shout like an ehhhh ohhhhh" (Cassie joke), and because you could barely stand that particular song, you opened your eyes to finish the final project. Being outstandingly (and shockingly) productive, you were able to leave the dorm nest in Dankook University at 10 in your ultimate favorite dress... and never would you ever imagine, happiness could simply start with 3 words...

magical words

"I miss you"

... does it ring a bell?

"I miss you"

Perhaps it does not, to others, because in this plain and soundless font, it's meaningless. But imagine a tune... a beautiful tune that captured your heart for the past 3 years with odd; the particular tune that made your heart skip thousand beats whenever you heard it over the radio, in a shop or somewhere near Korean town; that tune that depicts your ultimate feeling with the only band you ever call yourself fan of...

You are right. Hell-to-the-yeah, you are bloody RIGHT, and you knew it immediately. The six Japanese girls who were walking in a group behind your back as you were rushing to the bus station were Tohoshinki's fans. Simply by listening to those 3 words, you could tell, that was Tohoshinki's "Miss You" - that MUST be. And instead of smiling goofily to yourself, you turned around and ask: "Isn't it Tohoshinki's song? Are you BigEast?"

That was JUST enough for them to scream their hearts out in joy. And the rest was history. You talked and talked just like that time you found the lady who owned a CD shop in Kangnam, who went to Yonsei University, married and still displayed the Hall of Honor for DB5K in her shop... You talked and talked and one of the girl asked you who your bias was, which you replied with Yunho - immedi-freaking-ately she pulled out her purse, took out a BigEast limited picture of Yunho and Changmin and handed it you as a gift. You talked and talked and were told that: "Really? Not a lot of people talk about DB5K anymore here? We still love DB5K a lot and many of us are waiting for their comeback, as 5 of course" and you were breathless...

... and you realized you had become weary of the news, the drama, the boys themselves - to be fcking honest. You have been proud of yourself for not being a blind fan since day1 - for that you could clearly state that Heading to the Ground by your bias Yunho was a poor excuse of buying attention from the poor excuse of a script writer and the broadcasting company. For that you have been sick of J.Y.J new songs and albums because you know it best: these boys are talented ballad singer/song writers - but for the sake of topping chart, they are relishing dance songs to maintain their presence in the industry (compared to ballad, dance songs usually do much better on chart - name it Gee, RingDingDong, Sorry Sorry, Mirotic...)

... and for a moment, you became honest with yourself - you have been weary of the boys themselves. You no longer maintain that high level of interest in Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Yuchun and Junsu - you skip several news about them, stop staring and adore every freaking picture posted on DBSKnights. But what keep you? What keep you here with them until this moment, 2 years after the law-fcking-suit?

It's no longer the boy - individually or even, you dare say any duo, trio of them. You hate the new music, new songs. You hate soul-searching for the missing voices in every freaking single song. If not for DB5K individually then who? Now you know the answer: it is BigEast and Cassiopeia that keep the faith - keep YOUR faith... The songs have all changed, the boys have grown up callous with groundless scandals and unbearable pressure/injustice but Cassiopeia/BigEast's chant? It's still the same...


And on this day you met a perfect stranger whose only link to you was the love for the five boys you have never interacted in your life, on that day she handed you this beautiful gift of friendship - you believe it must be a message from above: Linhieee, hang on. It's ok to get weary, it's ok to be disheartened. It's ok that the fire of the torch you promise to hold on for them - like the sparkle of the light house so that them 5 can return "home" home as DB5K in the storm is weak! You are NOT alone, there will be 800 000+170 000 +++ Cassie here to fuel your fire. We are in this together, just for them...

You smiled brightly. The T-bus card you thought you forgot in the dorm suddenly appeared in your bag, next to your iTouch. You happened to visit Gyeongbok Palace right at the moment the guard-change ceremony took place. You were given a JYJ Nature Republic free gift by chance. You visited Bukchin Hanok Village and lost breath by its beauty. You had a wholehearted delicious dinner with your best friend and MakKoLi. You did not sleep on the bus as usual and happened to catch the Jaejoong advertisement on Lotter Duty Free building when the bus passed by MyongDong (support JJ's Protect the Boss ad). You talked to strangers on the bus, had a great time and came back just to hear HoMin's Back to Tomorrow:

A solitary flower, pure in bloom in a tree, so fragile but proud 
Looking at you full of youthful zest, tears are beginning to overflow 
Let’s walk the long road, once again from the beginning 
Tomorrow should shine　BACK BACK BACK now, please BACK BACK BACK with me 
Should surely shine again　BACK BACK BACK together BACK BACK BACK with you

A day started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love would never go wrong... They call it coincidental - you know it's sign and it's fate. You tell yourself: screw the rest - stans and whatnot. Realistically - as a level headed Business major chick, you know it - DB5K would never go back as 5 as long as the butthurt SM is still involved. But this is why we call it faith, when everything is impossible there is still faith - and for faith, you tell yourself: let's just take it one day at a time. They maybe back after serving the army? They maybe back a year from now? OR right this December... it doesn't matter. They will be back and for you... that's just far enough.

...

had a wonderful day! and will go on having more wonderful days under the Rising Sun

I cried a river today

just want to remember today - the day I walked pass Gangnam station, through gate six, clutching a particular book closely to my sob, boarded on Bus 8101 till the bus termination.

I know why I cried, and I will always remember why I cried today

"Please look after your mother"
Yes I will, no matter what, I am going to take care of parents. They are precious to me, yes they are, more than the air I breath.

New generation of Janitors - and the People we thought of as Friends

Perhaps it is really hard to maintain a blog that doesn’t contain a single rant from the blogger. But hey, bloggers are humans and are sentient beings, just like any other homo sapien out in the streets. Well, here’s mine.

It is sometimes unfathomable how friends call you friends with their mouth, and you take their word so seriously you defend them with everything you’ve got. But sadly, it ended up us being the janitors cleaning up the mess our ‘friends’ have created for us. And yet, because they are indeed our friends (regardless whether they see us as tools, toys, or pushovers), we still help them because our conscience egged us to.

Yes, I am indeed the new generation of janitors the world sees today. I do not clean the faeces men and women physically produce every day as a part of their lives. I clean a different kind of manure, less filthy in smell but at least twice as foul as its brown-coloured cousin. I clean the shit people I know throw at me.

Wait, this is different from helping friends doing something. I am a helper, and I love to help my friends with their things, even if sometimes I have a bad feeling about it. But this is completely different from people asking you to help solve the troubles they’ve created. Because of this, I am in an awkward position. I have questions to answer, of which I do not know the exact answer because only the firestarter knows it better than I do. Similar to a janitor, when the supervisor asks how come there’s faeces outside of the toilet bowl. The janitor just shrugs and cleans up the mess anyway, even if that doesn’t belong to the poor janitor.

Until now, I’m still doing my janitorial duties because nobody else is willing to do so. But thankfully, I’ve learnt something important during my work at an IT company for a month. Whatever shit they throw at me, I do not pick them up and treat them as if it’s my own.

These shit aren’t mine. I’ll clean it, but they’re not mine. I will not delve into depression thinking about how these people could do such lowly thing to their own friends (or whatever they call me). I will not allow my emotional stability to be disrupted by troubles that aren’t caused by me in the first place.

Perhaps I should remind myself of this saying from a certain tutor:

If you give me shit, I’ll give you double the shit.

But I guess I’m too nice to return the ‘favour’ anyway.

by GouJun Lee

when you are finally here

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I always tell myself, that day I will allow myself to cry my eyes out.
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that
day
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when you are finally here.
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all these years of holding on, letting go, growing up... all these pains that I muffle with my pride, one day, when you are finally here,... I will be able to say it all, cry them out - I will be able to walk down the street with feather steps - rest my burdened heart. I will stop being the wonder woman I am not. To love, to care, to be loved, to be cared for. I still believe, no matter what, that day will come.
.
. what takes you so long?

April showers! Bring me fowers

...down pours the rain - the memories of love, remain

It's been 3 months with odds since Fatty's death. Things still go on, I wake up every morning - breathing evenly, I go to school, do homework, attend meetings - cry once in a while for no rhyme or reason in the middle of no where, and then I wipe all my tears away - like nothing happens.

'Cuz nothing happens, nothing actually happens. Come April showers, bring me spring flowers. The merciless cycle of life and death. Today, I am drenched in the cold rain, with my hair royally fucked up and my notes soaked. Winds still blow and cruel scoring sun still dries away everything under the sky like nothing Just happened. Nothing happens or had happened 'Cuz no matter how much I cry, life still goes on as if I haven't lost someone I love, someone dear. So I don't make it a public scene anymore. 'Cuz no one freaking really cares a part of me dies along with their departure... No one knows behind the closed door, in the rain, on her way back in pitch dark, a young girl took off her tough mask wearily and let her tears fall.

April Rain.

It's not the first time I could not say goodbye to the one I love. After Aricin's death, comes grandma's sudden departure - and Fatty slipped away in pain. My Fatty suffered so much before he slipped away, so much that my heart shatters at the mere memories of our last farewell. He was being coy and did not come to say goodbye to me when I was leaving for America. I told him - "As if you are that special" and left. He walked up stair in silence. The darkness swallowed him - I was breathless for a moment but I did nothing... I left, not knowing the next time I could see him was through Skype, he could barely stand up, barely breath, barely eat anything or drink. But stand up he did, crawled toward the computer where he could hear my voice more clearly... Mom said he could have another day or two... December 26, 2010 at roughly 2pm Vietnam time, eternally he rests, my Fatty, my love, my "master of the house". Mom and dad sent Fatty to grandmother. Dad took half day off, driving in the December rain to bring Fatty to his last home on earth. I wasn't there. 
I
Was
Not
There

April Rain.

And the days slowly creeps in ... gentle reminder that Aricin had been gone for so so long. 4 years. I turned 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 soon without him. I grow older than Aricin, when he passed away at the age of 19. I have so much more to give, so much more to live for - so I bite my lips and press on. Whenever someone tells me it's impossible, that I cannot do it, that this is off my reach, I bites my lips again and press on. For the girl, loved by Aricin, will never be a quitter - she will create miracle and nothing less than perfection. Fearless as I seem, I am scared of free time, scared of nothingness, scared of having that much freedom on my own. I am scared that without fail, my heart goes back to the grave I left my love rest in peace years ago. 

April Rain.
The merciless cycle of Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring goes on. When April rain comes, I know it's time ... The memories relieve. Like dead flowers of the yester-year, new love springs up from the grave of the past. I wonder, still wonder, that one day when my heart learns to love again, will I still cry whenever April comes and leaves? Will I still remember how Aricin's departure changed me forever? How I learn to let go of everything dear - the last lesson he taught me, taught me really well?

So here I kneel, in the memories of grandmother, my guardian angel, bless me with strength and will power. She who knew loneliness. She who lived 43 years of her life in the remembrance her husband, her lover, her life knew longing and strength, and loyalty and everything that I admire. Bless me with your wisdom - it's April, grandmother, and I should not lie: I miss him so...

the fridge's story

It's been a while since I last wrote. 

I wonder if you still check on my blog (the decaying one, the abandoned one) - I had always been very hurtful and sour. I never thought you would bother - you always seemed too cool and oblivious. But that was a mask - a lock that I could not decode. When you finally broke down and told me how painful my words pierced right through you, I was stunned. I did not mean to pain you. So:

I did not write anymore. Somehow, some way, I could not do it - intentionally hurting you. So I quit for a long while - that could have been the period I spent the most time of my life with myself.  :) I started collecting my own thoughts and stuff them all in this tiny *ar inside my heart. There must be a crack somewhere, I do not know, but whenever I open that precious treasure of mine, all the pain already vanish. Ah... maybe this is how he used to do it. I tell myself so, I still remember your eyes reflecting the summer blue sky - At some point, I wonder why you kept reading it, why you did not tell me that you cared. But would it matter? 

It was the past. This story is no longer about you or anyone else, but a fridge - MY fridge.

So here is the deal :) I bought my 1st fridge with my very own 1st pay check in America. it was $129 with a freezer inside. I was given a small red rice cooker with steamer. :) Nothing much, you may laugh but somehow, I think I am ready for the world. Baby steps, I know - I am living on my own for the first time and this very thought is not that frightening. I should not dramatize it too much 'cuz I figure out it's part of growing up. Still it's a challenge. I am going to live well. 

There is still laundry to be done and applications to fill in :) So I am gonna stop my entry very soon. 

It's a $129 fridge but it's mine - I kept looking at it since last night when I put it together on my own. trying to figure out how it worked. I can tell you right now that I am indeed proud. 

You should be happy for me. I know you are. 

We may not love each other the way the other person wants to - or the way love should be defined but I know we would never wish anything but the best for the other person. For that I am grateful. April is coming and April has always been hard for me. But as I look at my fridge sitting proudly on one side of the room right now, I think I will make it :)

I am really happy here - as happy as I can be

as the violin dies

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i die within
and here within this tiny deluded world I create, there prevails a glamorous rainbow

"come over" - you called out for me

I heard your voice, but step I did not - for tears of heaven I fear, so here I stay
in this warm sunshine of my earthly pleasure.

"Don't cry for me"

I - at least - no matter how foolish, pathetically foolish me - will always see the bluest, most glorious shade of sky even when darkness collapses onto my shoulder. Don't you know I have been blind? Tears blurred my vision away - What I see now is only the collection of carefully selected memories of what once was my happiest day under the sun.

"Don't feel sorry for me"

I - at the most - would cry a river on my way back from the 8 (freaking) pm class or 11 (freaking) pm meeting, in freezing winter breezes. At the very most, I would hide myself under the blanket and let my emotion take over. For no one is supposed to share these private moments I barely have with the facade of you...

Life is like this.
and so it is...
the violin dies
but there... somewhere here on earth, the music begins.
I'm only at the very start of our separation
Maybe I will never learn to smile truly
Maybe I will be able to laugh wholeheartedly tomorrow
Ultimately there is no such thing as a perfect farewell

will you wait for me?

of grades and life

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you know what I hate the most?
- I hate the B+ the most.

It's not a C - aka Can't-do-this kinda grade. Somehow, it's so much better if it is because a B++ = the half-ass or last minute effort of someone who has the full potential of being an A grade student but fall short because of his/her lack of determination.

and I... I have detested myself for a good 13 years of education for never doing my best in my academic life as much as I could.

you know what I no longer want to see?
- I no longer want to see that 89 mark on my paper.

It's a B++++ but could not reach the A-. It's me in a nutshell - the girl who always comes second because she never has the greed to come 1st. But isn't it a waste, to be an overall B++/A---  student all along? To be the best friend but not the lover, to be the taken for granted?

Yes it is, and I no longer want to live like this anymore!

the Last letter

four letters were sent out of Ashland, Oregon today

- one of which bore an address of a friend that I will henceforth let go

it wasn't hard to pen down my wishes for her in years to come. A friend who was there for me in need, would always be someone I treasure. It wasn't hard as well, to come to this decision without pain. I guess, at the age of 21 (going on 22) - I have learned to accept this cycle as the matter of fact - we meet and shall part in due time. It's too tiring to hold on - and I do not practice, not to mention, master the art of unconditional love. It's only regretful that I could not bring myself to tell her "This is the last letter." But I guess, she wouldn't mind - how can you really "mind" over something you no longer care about.?

so today I walked down to the post office, purchased that 98 cent international stamp :) paid  $1.12 instead, pealed off the first layer and sticked 3 stamps on top of the red envelop. It had already been decided, yet still, I felt that breathless moment when the letter slipped out of my finger tips and disappeared inside the yellow mail box... 

it's time, dear love, farewell

venture to the world beyond! taste sadness and enrich your life with true tragedy and beauty

Let's meet when our paths crossed once more. 

till then, be well

---------------------

-untitled-

차갑게 안아줘 세상에 맞서야 해

Hug me coldly. I must face the world.

---

I detest myself, whenever I treasure someone who mindlessly walks over my affection. I have never been the kind of person who would say sorry for a crime, convicted unanimously. But then I did, because you were more important than my pride. I regret it

so

much

Dignity - I should not have forgotten

my identity

I will lose it all, if I trade off my dignity

you are not worthy of my dignity

you are not, and no one is.

#DBSK - because of you, selfish fans

2 years and 3 months they are mute.
2 years and 3 months Yunho was under depression, drank and wandered around subway line
2 years and 3 months Changmin grew thinner, and harsher.

2 years and 3 months

you ask, you complain, you wait for them to give their stance on the situation

so now they did - and your reactions are the perfect reasons why they have muffled their frustration these 2 years and 3 months.

Don't lie, at least, don't be pathetic and lie to yourself.

You do not want their answer, their point of view

You only want to hear what you want to hear: those sweet words: "forever five" "brothers for life"

Right now, you are not supporting the trio for who they are. You claim yourself a JYJ bias only because of your selfish nature, because they are telling you things you want to hear. But the moment of epiphany, if Junsu decided to focus his 200% on the musical path, or Jae decided to follow his Rock star dreams and Yuchun no longer see the need of getting back together as 5.

I guess, you will turn away from them once again and call them names.

The Homin boycott - I could not believe in my eyes. You did not have a problem with "The new beginning" - which means the end of the past (full package, do not even start interpreting the truth the way you want it) but now they see the need to bash "Keep your head down" You did not see the soulless Yunho on red carpet, walking like a robot with perfect fake smile - because you are too busy wiping your blood streaming out of your nose admiring Jae's half naked bubble bath shoot. Let's not compare who suffer more here. I don't believe in this department, any one of them outshines the other. In their own way, they all are in despair

But seeing them existing with their burden hearts is not enough, you have to go all the way and inflict more pain. Bashing Junsu, you think Yunho is happy, right? Who are you protecting? None of them, you hurt us all with your thorn words

I am not any one's bias at this moment in time. This fandom is getting too ridiculous nowadays that I do not care anymore. Too many self-claimed Cassies. What do you know? Because I am a Cassie, I must applause Kanye's composition which, in my opinion, makes JYJ sound like famine cats despite their very strong vocal? Because I am a Cassie, I must become a blind supporter? Tell you what, I think Heading to the ground sucks even though I was a hard core Yunho's fan. Tell you what, Sungkyunkwan Scandal was AMAZING even though Micky has never ever been my bias. Tell you what, at this point in time, I still have this faith in them - that they misunderstood one another, that they only need to come face to face, that the moment Jae pulls Min into his embrace, Min will beat the craps out of Jae while crying his eyes out. And even if they don't, even if they find this new path more apt to their future, then be it trio or duo or all 5 solo, I wholeheartedly support their choices.

Don't bash one another! Get a life! Go out there and be amazing in whatever you do!
That much, is what you owe them, for all those years they make you proud, they inspire you.
And let them be human, let them get angry and frustrated and mad and ... let them be real, for once

because I am so so sick of all their diplomatic answer already.

You are the reasons why they would rather be mute than to express themselves

you - who think too highly of yourself, don't have the minimal trust in any of them

I, despise, you.

Vote for Linh - College Photo Competition

http://news.sou.edu/photo/ I participated in a photo contest in SOU :) Please vote for my pictures, it means a lot for me. Each and everyone of you inspires me to capture these precious moment we share there are 5 pictures 1. Umbrella (featuring Kelsey Lyn Ensminger ) #38 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/38/ 2. Pride Parade #37 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/37/ 3. Water shoot (featuring Mohammed Alghareeb )#36 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/36/ 4. Crater Lake trip (featuring ISA) #35 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/35/ 5. SOU Fall'10 (featuring myself) #34 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/34/ Simply "thumb up" the picture For some reasons my entry was lost thus it was updated later than all the other pictures I am at loss right now, since other pictures have already been voted up close to 120 thumb up :( Your help means a lot to me Thank you so so very very much  Please help me ask your friends, and your friends' friends to vote for me, only if they like my pictures :)  Help me spread the words, I really appreciate your help love, My-Linh Phan

Christin

I wonder why every time I call out her name, I have this strong sense of security. But at this very moment, something else overwhelms me. It is not the pride and happiness which I always feel for her, but rather regret.

If only I could turn back the hand of time and do something right… I wish I could have… I wish I would have… I wish she would…

She was someone I would and I did distance myself from, someone who possesses an unwelcoming face, a rare smile, a grumpy “stay-away-from-me” aura. That was Christin of two years ago. I remember rolling my eyes if I met her on my way out of the hostel, during my sec 4 year. “It’s so going to rain, or something bad is surely going to happen” I used to tell myself each time I faced the sleepy and unfriendly Christin in the morning. Well, after two times being caught in the rain, not to mention losing my favorite book in the bus, I concluded that she was indeed my sign of unluckiness. 

I thought I knew it all, yet I did not know the miracle of life…was about to happen. I did not know on that fateful night, she and I, like two parallel lines would cross, we talked from 10 till 3. I did not know I would come to trust her and rely and her and NOT being let down even once. I also could not predict that in my future, she would be the one who scold me so much, force me to sleep early, also the one who was so skinny, so small in size would protect me from harm. Nor did I know soon in the future there would be more going out, gossiping, whispering, caring, hugging and studying till morning between me and her…

Yet all these things I thought would never happen actually came true. Whenever I think about it, I think about us, and I think about my life in 2008, she was better than my favorite dish in Aston, she was better than my silky black dress in Asean Dance, better than the Great Singapore Sale, better than musicals and movies. SHE WAS THE BEST SURPRISE LIFE BROUGHT ME...
And one of the WORST PEOPLE THAT HAD TO WALK AWAY FROM ME…
(Don’t worry she is just leaving from Australia, a better place, less stress, better shopping opportunities… better looking guys…)

Above all. I would never believe that her leaving us would bring this much agony, this much anger, this much helplessness and despair out of me.
Then I learn she was indeed a blessing I was so lucky to have. I hate her so much for being Christin. Hate her because she would scold the hell out of you but will care for you till the very end. Hate her because she would slap me pink so that I would wake up from my foolishness and stupidity. She acts as if she would not give a damn but indeed she was the MOST KAPO person among us and cares the MOST about those she loves. She is the most ridiculous girl I ever know who loves so much, cares so much, sacrifices so much yet unable to ever say the 3 simple words “I LOVE YOU”. I hate her most for she watches funny clips whenever her heart is shattered so that she can laugh and hold back her tears. Hey Christin, do you know how hard it is for me to watch you like that? How can I tell you, it is OK to cry in front of me, to scream and to scold, to cry without holding back? How can I ever tell you that, it’s not weak to cry… it’s human and you are not the supergirl you think you have to be. How can I let you know that you should act according to your feelings, not opposite?

This is my Christin. I wonder if I had told her how much I sincerely love her and how much I thank her for all she has done for me, for the strength she gave, for her slow… very slow reaction to dirty joke that never fails to make me laugh whole heartedly. I wonder if she knows how important she is to me and how hard it is going to be without her, with me fighting all these battle namely A-level and you-know-who-and-who-and who… alone. I also wish she knew I felt freaking happy and honor when she voluntarily hugged me (haha, she, who hates it so much)and when she came to me and cried. 
When I am in Vietnam, her text messages were my friend. Yet I cannot even meet her before she leaves Singapore. I cannot even lend her a hand to unpack and pack her 8 boxes into 6, share the joy of throwing away A-level notes and that few moments with her. I wish I had hugged her just a while longer before she left. 
So, farewell, my dear Christin! Though us, being schoolmates is short, it’s is only the very very beginning of our friendship. When I say friends I really mean it, I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, to see you again and of course attend your wedding (whoever you marry, haha, bad bad luck him). 

If I ever do anything wrong that let you down, I am truly sorry. I am also sorry for not my prejudice (I wish I had become your friend 1 or 2 years before). And I am sorry for years to come when we are apart, I cannot be there for you whenever you need me. But I wish you good friends, happiness, success in life and above all love. INNOVA will never be the same without you but I promise I will stay cool ;), keep u update haha. I will do my best, beat that girl to top school in art ;) like you always said, make sure that stupid X of yours won’t do silly stuff (like dating Su) and keep my promise to meet u soon.
So girl, LIVE STRONG, we always do, ‘cuz we are CHRISTIN & MY LINH
We love and take care of ourselves, and we stay true to our Colors.
No matter what
You are my friend
Glad to have been there for u, and VERY indeed, VERY glad to know u ;)

19 random things about me

#1. In 2008, my weekend plan is simple. Either RUAM, FERINA or ALONE. Which makes me, pretty much a loner. When it comes to weekend, I am very calculative. If you don’t have that much time to have fun, why don’t u choose the BEST people?

#2. I can put my life in the hands of 2 girls: INDORA AND RUAM…Though I love Ferina madly, putting my life in her hands is a big NO no, haha. The rest, nope nope no no, CHRISTIN is also this one amazing friend whom I can surely trust, but yeah, due to her compulsive shopping nature haha, we will go bankrupt very soon together. 

#3. I consider a movie and dinner night a PATHETIC date and Orchard for a date is another huge NO NO to me. (Fer sure knows about this) What melts my heart? Well, something else, which I won’t tell u. Figure it out urself… u will be surprised how simple (only in case you actually bother haha)

#4. Up to now, I have 1 official boyfriend, one puppy love and that’s it. Many people think I am in a LOT of relationships, oh well, I am good at deceiving. But the truth is, I don’t need a bf to make me look good or feel good about myself. When it comes to relationship, I am very serious

#5. Never been kissed

#6. My walls of my room in Hanoi are made of book shelves, and Yes, I love reading. Marc Levy is my favorite (if you are still sticking around with Nicholas Spark’s corny all-so-predictable collection, well, it would be great to open up your eyes and bring your sentimental sense to a higher level)

#7. If there is a choice between lover and friends, which will you choose?
How about none? ‘Cuz if he loves me, he would not make me choose. And dude, if u are, truly my friends, and u know I am nuts about this guy, would u give me your blessing? If u can’t have the heart to give me the assurance that u will still love me, no matter who I date… Um, are u really my friend?
When Fer said: “I’m happy for u” when she was almost close to tears (bursting laughter) (it was a joke but Fer kinda believed that I had a weird, very weird bf), I know, if she is my friend through thick and thin. Someone who won’t lock me out of her life just because I date a freak she can’t approve ( and btw, I would rather date an interesting unique freak than just an ordinary boring guy with an Orchard-Food Court-Cathay date)


#8. I am not a soft toys or useless-stuff person (so yeah, thx but no thx I don’t wish to have soft toys for my 20th birthday). I used to adore them so much I had a collection of them (enough to fit a small room). I believe in having a relationship, a kinda connection with objects around me, not to mention soft toys. One day, I just found out that I had become too busy that I could not spend that time with any of my soft toys ( and they took up ALL the space I had on my bed). I can’t keep something or someone without loving them. Like storing soft toys or useless stuff to get all the dust in the world…. So I gave them almost all away for the younger girls who will give my soft toys the love and attention I can’t, who will talk to my soft toys, hold them dear to hearts.
When you can’t bring someone the love they deserve, no matter how much you want to hold them back. Let them go. 

#9. I was home schooled for all my kindergarten life.

#10. I like to hang out with older people, or should I say, people with great life experience, a story to share or maturity. I once had a friend who was 60+ when I was 16. He has a rock band in Vietnam, performed in Press Club. He wrote a song for me, just that I was NEVER old enough to attend his concert (M18). But yeah, we did have great time talking to one another, out of the blue. And btw, I love talking to strangers who are not so strange.

#11 Wherever I go, I have a small book of Xuan Quynh's poems in my bag, just to remind me of many things that are indeed important in life.I love & write poems but no one has ever read them... Cuz the person that inspired me, would never be able to hear it. I read Vietnamese poem to Angeline, an Indonesian human wanna be (jk I love u) and she actually loves them.

#12. I will write a book, a fiction, a love story. I have started and will finish it before I am 21

#13. I don't care what people say about me. And I wont change myself JUST TO BE WHAT PPL WANT METO BE. 'Cuz if I do that, I will be JUST LIKE THEM. It does not hurt when ppl who I have no idea how they are related to my reality gossip about me. It ONLY hurt when those I truly love misunderstand me. (Jule thx for being there. Vivi, Ruam, thx for always letting me know, u understand me MORE than anyone could)

#14. I am pathetic in sport. If yoga counts, then yeah, I am still very pathetic

#15. I dream to tour around the South East Asia countries with my best friends to visit my friends. Thailand for RUAM, Indo-Jakarta for FERINA, FANIE; Indo-Medan haha for the SC GANG: INDORA, CHRISTIN, MICHELLE, CINDY, ANJELINE, DOLDO...; Indo-BANDUNG for yes, of course, LINTANG,; Indo-BALI for PUTU and BAM; Philippines for him and CANDICE BALETE, ZIP; Malaysia for CHRISTABEL and VANESSA CHIN...

#16. I modeled when I was a kid. Fashion show, pretty lights... 

#17. I dont turn my head around to see a handsome guy (who cares?) but I will definitely turn my whole body around JUST to adore a VESPA. I have 1, Vespa (Spring ) blue and white. when u have a vespa, it is not about looking "cool" with it, it is much more about loving it, loving a sick, easily breakdown person... Once u know ur Vespa well, this is when u experience true love. 

#18. When I was 18, I had it all and lost it all. 

#19. I love my parents, I still say "love u, mom" before we end our conversation. I love my cousins, all of them: NGoc, Bi, Hon, Trang, Giang, Duy, Co, Tung... I think they are really really talented and extremely cool yet insane and fun to be with. I am blessed to have and be loved them. Dear, no matter where u are, what mistakes u make, what weird decision, strange lover u have, I support u as long as u are happy


Just some stuff about me. Not much, not enough for u to understand me inside out. Right now, I just wish, I have enough courage and determination to study and get into a GREAT university. I am not perfect, but I have grown to love my imperfection. This is me and who I am, I thank YOU for all that you have done. 

1. Thank YOU, those who love me no matter what. Friends are for life. Little things you do may have saved me from falling down, little smile you gave, tiny touch, a sweet blink, a small notes... all these engrave in my heart and forever, eternally thankful

2. Thank YOU, whose who hurt, who misunderstand and gossip.I thank YOU who bother to break me down and make my life miserable. If I had not met u, I would not be the tough girl I am today, I would never be able to hold my head high no matter what. I guess u must care about me enough to do all these. And for all that misery u brought, I thank you

20 people i love

Pick 20 friends from your list and write 20 statements in random order about each friend without mentioning their name. Tag them in the note. If you've been tagged, tag the person who tagged you and 19 others and list 20 things about the people you've tagged. Copy and paste this message before your list

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER!!

1. She. She was someone I hated to the core. Some crazy nuts who is extremely messy and germie ;) She possesses a funny brain which is smaller than her b**bs, definitely. It does not function when we talk about math. Yet when it comes to humanities subjects, it reveals its freaky self. I hated her for she 1, was a cheerleader 2, acted like a cheerleader 3, thought like a cheerleader, 4. Screamed with her high pitch voice AS a cheerleader. Now she still 1, is a cheerleader 2, acts like a cheerleader 3, thinks like a cheerleader and 4, yeah, still screams as a cheerleader (this is NOT 1 2 3 4 love); but certainly, I start to see more in her (rather than her b**bs) as a batch mates, as a friend. Hate to say I love someone I hated. I wonder with that special brain she has, she would understand I enjoy being mean and laughing at her as much as caring and appreciating her goodness. Yes, Germie, we better top Lit to honor Miss Lin.

2. He. He is funny he is caring he is another nut cases which I care much about. A true brother who is totally non-blood related. He never failed to surprise me with every present he gave, everything that he does. Up till this moment, I still look at my 19th bday present with massive confusion and of course, with a broad smile. He is in love and I am extremely happy that he finds true happiness in her eyes. I strongly believe he will grow up into a man whom every man respects and every woman desires. Why do I know that? Simply b’cuz: he is my brother, right?

3. She. She does not LOOK like a teacher; she does not ACT like a teacher. Yet she is one of the best teachers I have ever had. I miserably failed Literature in EVERY single assignment back then in SCGS (by the way, we came from the same secondary school), not knowing why. When she became my teacher, I started so see things beyond black and white. When I got the 1st A in Literature, I was floating among the clouds. I guess she did not know, she had indeed, fulfilled her dreams in IJC. What she did, she salvaged such students as me, as Germie… And for the 1st time in my life, I wanted to be a teacher, too. Someone who is a friend, a sweet provider, a all-so-excited lit appreciator, a mice killer… a special teacher, just like her.

4. She. In plain English, I love her. She is the combination of all the blessing in the world, just like her name. She would appear whenever I am in the lowest point of my life, like an angel. She teaches me kindness, forgiveness and for one more time, she makes me believe that true best friendship prevails. I love the way she smiles, the way she treats those utter losers who did not even appreciate her from the 1st place. She who never thought she is AT ALL special, AT ALL talented, AT ALL smart and AT ALL kind, is actually, the smartest, kindest, most talented person in my eyes. When she smsed me: “when you are sad, I’m sad too” I finally learn there is actually soul mate in this world. Someone who knows you like no others, yet love you like no others. I found mine, on that particular faithful night when my world collapsed, and I was in despair. I guess you are the gift from heaven, the angel who is sent, to save the remaining goodness in me.

5. He. He was the reason for my laughter and tears, “my North, my South, my East and West/ My working week and Sunday rest”. He brought happiness and love into my life, opened up all the windows and showed me the world in a totally different angle. He was silly, he was childish, he was mature, he was THE one. Silly enough to go all the way to learn Vietnamese and how to ride a Vespa just because I said I would not marry anyone who can’t. Thoughtful and crazy enough, he proposed to me when he was barely 19 and me 18. When I was with him, I was myself, 17, not 70, I dare reveal my stupidity. I dare let down my hair and try to experience life… He evoked in me the most indescribable feeling, the mixture of total secured, total trust, madly in love and I became a true believer in fairy tale. When he slipped into the eternal sleep, I was in despair. It is true: “We die with the dying/ See, they depart, and we go with them/ We are born with the dead” I was reborn, into someone new, someone who would not compromise on anything less than true love, who appreciates life and lives for the moment. I thank him for loving me for who I was, with all the flaws and making me, who I am today. Dearest, we will meet again, I believe, somewhere over the rainbow… way up high. 

6. They. They are 10 people I was blessed to have. 10, of all different characters, of all different dreams and desires. One of them claims to be THE MOST SELFISH yet, she cares the most for everyone. She is crazy she is pretty, she could hardly commit to anyone and any job (apart from committing crimes). She would spend hours making sure all of us look petty and left alone herself looking like a mess. Another is an artist, who is sweet and cute. Who is a push-over when she is in good mood and the totally opposite once in a blue moon. One of them is so freaking smart we wonder where she gets her brain from. She is our family’s pride and of course more than all that. . . I wish they knew, I love them as brothers and sisters, as friends for life. Sincerely from my heart, I hope for all the very best to come, all the happiness and luck for them.

7. She. She is haughty, she is unfriendly, she is slow when it comes to dirty jokes, and extremely insensitive, a true mafia who could leave her 5 finger mark on anybody who dares offend her… Who cares? I love her regardless for her dignity, strength and sincere.

8. He. He came from the past, the past that whenever I looked back, I could smile again and again. He was my true best friend, someone I understood too much up to a point, I finally realized the only thing I was sure about him was the fact that I did not understand him at all. Now we truly drift apart. Like living in the same box without acknowledging the existence of the other party, I know we can never go back to the past where we were. But your image in my memory will remain fresh and pure through the test of time. I wish u strength and bravery, to live with your inborn goodness, which I know u posses. I wish you knew, every moment with you, was the moment I treasured. As if it was just yesterday, we exchanged silly notes to one another and talked about the girl u loved in the middle of Civic lesson, Ngo Si Lien, Hanoi, once upon a time. 

9. She. Come to think about it, she is the silliest best friend I ever had. A true Big Pink Loser in most people eyes, yet a totally adorable, honest, creative freak in my heart. We can walk and walk and talk and talk about almost everything and anything. From the total jerks we used to have a crush on and now loathe, to the most serious topic: our dreams. She is indeed, lame, absurd. But I enjoy every bit of her insanity. "cuz what shines in her is her sincerity and kind heart. Darling, I want to see my future, with u. I want to go for exhibition not with you but BY you, OF you. I want to see u success, live in style. Must I say: I love u?

10. She. It would be more appropriate if I met her in the ZOO, not in Innova JC or Oldham Hall. She can scream like a jungle of monkeys, be shameless like an elephant, strong like a buffalo, fast like a zebra (taking about bra haha, she is as flat as the wall of the zoo) But of course, I love her like elephant loves NUTS lol for all that she is and the fact that she cares. 

11. She. She is NOT JUST and AHM who will make sure that you come back on time, sleep in your room at correct hour. She is NOT JUST the lady whose smile can bright up your gloomy day. She is NOT JUST someone who cares about your anything and everything. She is THE one we all love and adore. When I am with her, it’s just like I am with a best friend. I wish I would grow up into someone like her, someone with such a warm, opening heart. I wish her happiness and above all love. I don’t know much about the world outside Oldham Hall door, but whoever ends up sharing his life with her, must be the luckiest man on earth. Pray that he will find her, soon.

12. She. What can I say? She is one of the most important people that change my life. She is like the refreshing wind that take me away from all my “why, huh? What? How come”. I absolutely admire her free spirit and spontaneous nature. This moment she can be screaming on the top of her lung on the highest building of Singapore, yet the next moment, she can just be sitting lazily and quietly in some corner of a café shop at midnight. She taught me to breath, touch and taste life, not just stand and stare at it. When I am with her, I enjoy getting lost, traveling, cooking and learning to make handmade cards. Dearest, I will always remember u and me and the tiny room in Oxford, how we used to share ¼ of the KFC meal, walked under this tiny umbrella and how you comfort me as we continuously got lost on our way back.. Though we are really far apart, but I truly wish one day, we will be able to bag pack together again. I adore and admire u so much. May the stars watch over you! 

13. She. A caretaker of many other Emovians. The one who would iron Ivan’s uniform, talks to Andika when he turns emo, bakes cookies for all of us during valentine day. And yet in my eyes, she is just this silly, crazy friend who OMG, she is turning 20. 

14. She. My ex roommate. My YUMMY YUMMY DEARY DEARY ROOM MATE, who is my caretaker. She would make sure (damn sure) that I ate properly, I slept enough, that I did not cry too much thinking about him. She would go out with me ONLY when both of us faked MC. This fluffy roommate I had, by far, has been the best ever. We can talk about her favorite topic: FOOD and got out of bed almost immediately to cook something together. I wish she knows, that over here in this air-con room, with my sarcasm unappreciated I miss her like mad

15. She. The only ABSOLUTELY morally correct soul left in the whole entire world. A respectable young lady who would never go against her words (I am so happy she said she loved me). The perfect daughter/ student that parents and teacher dream of. She is one of my best friends in Singapore. She will stand strong when all collapses. She will simply smile believing, bad things happen for a reason and they will all be gone. I wish her love, knowing well, such a girl like her will be loved as she deserved. So much love and respect from all those around her.

16. She. She is the only truly kind Singaporean friend previously from my secondary school, When I learned that actually she is from Hong kong, I was like ...no wonder lol. She is a maniac when we talk about fashion. She is someone who lives in style, being judged for living in style yet, still brave enough to remain true to herself. Way to go, girl. Now we don't share the same table for lesson any more. I wish u all the best and GET WELL SOON! 

17. She. Thousands miles away from one another, millions (and still counting) differences that could have separated us apart. Yet, even when she is OVER THERE in the USA, with her new life, new habits and I am OVER HERE in Singapore, with my new world, new challenges, I believe once together, our friendship will still be the same. Just like the good old days, maybe better. maybe better than best.

18. She. My present roommate, well not directly but soon to be. She is moody and nutty. She can be extremely nice and extremely startled, easily mad. Yet, in those horrible moments I encounter recently, all I can remember is her hug, her nonsensical yet extremely heartwarming conversation. Knowing that she and THEY will be there, right behind my back to watch out for me makes me appreciate this rare friendship across all culture and religion boundaries

19. She. Being friend with her taught me to grow up, be patient and kind (which is rarely seen in me). She is this SOMEONE to care for, someone to motivate, to make sure she knows her own value. Talented, smart (inborn clever), a great singer with a beautiful face, I wonder if she sees herself in the mirror the way we see her. 'Cuz if she does, I would be damn sure, she would not hurt herself that much. Guess what? I adore u, though u are just another nut case. Take care of urself, as u are no longer near us. Take care of my little darling. She is fab and awesome, just that she need to learn to LOVE. starting from herself.

20. Them. They are the fairy tale of my life. They are in love, in such pure and overwhelming love that I could just sit quietly around the house, listening to their everyday conversation, wondering how such love prevails after all difficulties in life. Yes, 20 years +6 has passed and yet he still sings "first love" as her bday gift every year, never forgets to sms her night night when he is away, and of course, roses for even not so special occasions. For who they are and how they fall for one another, once again, I have faith in life, in love, in true love even after marriage, after all, said and done

The couple I admire