from now on

I have never stopped thinking about writing.

this is the truth

It's within me - the urge to write, to jot down a line or two of something strange that overtakes my breath for a moment. I still compose a little bit of everything everyday, unspoken, unwritten words. I will end up pondering about those thoughts for a few days, asking myself whether I should or should not materialize these secrets of mine... I end up shielding them all away from this world. 

And so I built. It's like a library inside your head. It's messy and smells like old papers in rainy seasons. There are no walls just white wooden bookshelves that stack up from the bottom of the floor to the ceiling. I fill them full with muted desire, muffle cry and desperate longing. Those are MINE, I said. But as I stand in front of my newly conquered triumph, I feel out of breath... Ah... I miss the feeling of sharing, of having his head on my laps as we both drifted off to the two different worlds that our books took us. I miss that feeling of curling up inside my room, with a book in my hand, the warm yellow light and some highlighters. There are unspoken words that I cannot share with the world now - I keep them here safe. 

but from now on

from now on, I would like to brush away my fear. I don't owe anyone out there an explanation for what I do and do not. This is fiction, this is the thought that takes my breath away... a scene from my imagination of a girl named her and a guy named him. This isn't me or someone I know - but as I write I would like to get to know them. It isn't something that happened or will happen or must happen... Maybe one day I would keep my promise and write about them in a proper manner. Maybe one day I would string those fragmented bits and pieces of their stories together and make sense out of this confusion... 

These are the possibilities. I don't know. I can't possibly know right now for I am buried alive with a tiny straw to breath under what it's called: my reality. It's just nice, that I have somewhere else to go every time I want to. That there is always a place, the place where they live, fall in and out of love.

from now on, let's just take it easy

and 

breath ...