.
.
.
i die within
and here within this tiny deluded world I create, there prevails a glamorous rainbow
"come over" - you called out for me
I heard your voice, but step I did not - for tears of heaven I fear, so here I stay
in this warm sunshine of my earthly pleasure.
"Don't cry for me"
I - at least - no matter how foolish, pathetically foolish me - will always see the bluest, most glorious shade of sky even when darkness collapses onto my shoulder. Don't you know I have been blind? Tears blurred my vision away - What I see now is only the collection of carefully selected memories of what once was my happiest day under the sun.
"Don't feel sorry for me"
I - at the most - would cry a river on my way back from the 8 (freaking) pm class or 11 (freaking) pm meeting, in freezing winter breezes. At the very most, I would hide myself under the blanket and let my emotion take over. For no one is supposed to share these private moments I barely have with the facade of you...
Life is like this.
and so it is...
the violin dies
but there... somewhere here on earth, the music begins.
I'm only at the very start of our separation
Maybe I will never learn to smile truly
Maybe I will be able to laugh wholeheartedly tomorrow
Ultimately there is no such thing as a perfect farewell
will you wait for me?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
of grades and life
.
.
.
.
you know what I hate the most?
- I hate the B+ the most.
It's not a C - aka Can't-do-this kinda grade. Somehow, it's so much better if it is because a B++ = the half-ass or last minute effort of someone who has the full potential of being an A grade student but fall short because of his/her lack of determination.
and I... I have detested myself for a good 13 years of education for never doing my best in my academic life as much as I could.
you know what I no longer want to see?
- I no longer want to see that 89 mark on my paper.
It's a B++++ but could not reach the A-. It's me in a nutshell - the girl who always comes second because she never has the greed to come 1st. But isn't it a waste, to be an overall B++/A--- student all along? To be the best friend but not the lover, to be the taken for granted?
Yes it is, and I no longer want to live like this anymore!
.
.
.
you know what I hate the most?
- I hate the B+ the most.
It's not a C - aka Can't-do-this kinda grade. Somehow, it's so much better if it is because a B++ = the half-ass or last minute effort of someone who has the full potential of being an A grade student but fall short because of his/her lack of determination.
and I... I have detested myself for a good 13 years of education for never doing my best in my academic life as much as I could.
you know what I no longer want to see?
- I no longer want to see that 89 mark on my paper.
It's a B++++ but could not reach the A-. It's me in a nutshell - the girl who always comes second because she never has the greed to come 1st. But isn't it a waste, to be an overall B++/A--- student all along? To be the best friend but not the lover, to be the taken for granted?
Yes it is, and I no longer want to live like this anymore!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
the Last letter
four letters were sent out of Ashland, Oregon today
- one of which bore an address of a friend that I will henceforth let go
it wasn't hard to pen down my wishes for her in years to come. A friend who was there for me in need, would always be someone I treasure. It wasn't hard as well, to come to this decision without pain. I guess, at the age of 21 (going on 22) - I have learned to accept this cycle as the matter of fact - we meet and shall part in due time. It's too tiring to hold on - and I do not practice, not to mention, master the art of unconditional love. It's only regretful that I could not bring myself to tell her "This is the last letter." But I guess, she wouldn't mind - how can you really "mind" over something you no longer care about.?
so today I walked down to the post office, purchased that 98 cent international stamp :) paid $1.12 instead, pealed off the first layer and sticked 3 stamps on top of the red envelop. It had already been decided, yet still, I felt that breathless moment when the letter slipped out of my finger tips and disappeared inside the yellow mail box...
it's time, dear love, farewell
venture to the world beyond! taste sadness and enrich your life with true tragedy and beauty
Let's meet when our paths crossed once more.
till then, be well
---------------------
Monday, January 17, 2011
-untitled-
차갑게 안아줘 세상에 맞서야 해
Hug me coldly. I must face the world.
---
I detest myself, whenever I treasure someone who mindlessly walks over my affection. I have never been the kind of person who would say sorry for a crime, convicted unanimously. But then I did, because you were more important than my pride. I regret it
so
much
Dignity - I should not have forgotten
my identity
I will lose it all, if I trade off my dignity
you are not worthy of my dignity
you are not, and no one is.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
#DBSK - because of you, selfish fans
2 years and 3 months they are mute.
2 years and 3 months Yunho was under depression, drank and wandered around subway line
2 years and 3 months Changmin grew thinner, and harsher.
2 years and 3 months
you ask, you complain, you wait for them to give their stance on the situation
so now they did - and your reactions are the perfect reasons why they have muffled their frustration these 2 years and 3 months.
Don't lie, at least, don't be pathetic and lie to yourself.
You do not want their answer, their point of view
You only want to hear what you want to hear: those sweet words: "forever five" "brothers for life"
Right now, you are not supporting the trio for who they are. You claim yourself a JYJ bias only because of your selfish nature, because they are telling you things you want to hear. But the moment of epiphany, if Junsu decided to focus his 200% on the musical path, or Jae decided to follow his Rock star dreams and Yuchun no longer see the need of getting back together as 5.
I guess, you will turn away from them once again and call them names.
The Homin boycott - I could not believe in my eyes. You did not have a problem with "The new beginning" - which means the end of the past (full package, do not even start interpreting the truth the way you want it) but now they see the need to bash "Keep your head down" You did not see the soulless Yunho on red carpet, walking like a robot with perfect fake smile - because you are too busy wiping your blood streaming out of your nose admiring Jae's half naked bubble bath shoot. Let's not compare who suffer more here. I don't believe in this department, any one of them outshines the other. In their own way, they all are in despair
But seeing them existing with their burden hearts is not enough, you have to go all the way and inflict more pain. Bashing Junsu, you think Yunho is happy, right? Who are you protecting? None of them, you hurt us all with your thorn words
I am not any one's bias at this moment in time. This fandom is getting too ridiculous nowadays that I do not care anymore. Too many self-claimed Cassies. What do you know? Because I am a Cassie, I must applause Kanye's composition which, in my opinion, makes JYJ sound like famine cats despite their very strong vocal? Because I am a Cassie, I must become a blind supporter? Tell you what, I think Heading to the ground sucks even though I was a hard core Yunho's fan. Tell you what, Sungkyunkwan Scandal was AMAZING even though Micky has never ever been my bias. Tell you what, at this point in time, I still have this faith in them - that they misunderstood one another, that they only need to come face to face, that the moment Jae pulls Min into his embrace, Min will beat the craps out of Jae while crying his eyes out. And even if they don't, even if they find this new path more apt to their future, then be it trio or duo or all 5 solo, I wholeheartedly support their choices.
Don't bash one another! Get a life! Go out there and be amazing in whatever you do!
That much, is what you owe them, for all those years they make you proud, they inspire you.
And let them be human, let them get angry and frustrated and mad and ... let them be real, for once
because I am so so sick of all their diplomatic answer already.
You are the reasons why they would rather be mute than to express themselves
you - who think too highly of yourself, don't have the minimal trust in any of them
I, despise, you.
2 years and 3 months Yunho was under depression, drank and wandered around subway line
2 years and 3 months Changmin grew thinner, and harsher.
2 years and 3 months
you ask, you complain, you wait for them to give their stance on the situation
so now they did - and your reactions are the perfect reasons why they have muffled their frustration these 2 years and 3 months.
Don't lie, at least, don't be pathetic and lie to yourself.
You do not want their answer, their point of view
You only want to hear what you want to hear: those sweet words: "forever five" "brothers for life"
Right now, you are not supporting the trio for who they are. You claim yourself a JYJ bias only because of your selfish nature, because they are telling you things you want to hear. But the moment of epiphany, if Junsu decided to focus his 200% on the musical path, or Jae decided to follow his Rock star dreams and Yuchun no longer see the need of getting back together as 5.
I guess, you will turn away from them once again and call them names.
The Homin boycott - I could not believe in my eyes. You did not have a problem with "The new beginning" - which means the end of the past (full package, do not even start interpreting the truth the way you want it) but now they see the need to bash "Keep your head down" You did not see the soulless Yunho on red carpet, walking like a robot with perfect fake smile - because you are too busy wiping your blood streaming out of your nose admiring Jae's half naked bubble bath shoot. Let's not compare who suffer more here. I don't believe in this department, any one of them outshines the other. In their own way, they all are in despair
But seeing them existing with their burden hearts is not enough, you have to go all the way and inflict more pain. Bashing Junsu, you think Yunho is happy, right? Who are you protecting? None of them, you hurt us all with your thorn words
I am not any one's bias at this moment in time. This fandom is getting too ridiculous nowadays that I do not care anymore. Too many self-claimed Cassies. What do you know? Because I am a Cassie, I must applause Kanye's composition which, in my opinion, makes JYJ sound like famine cats despite their very strong vocal? Because I am a Cassie, I must become a blind supporter? Tell you what, I think Heading to the ground sucks even though I was a hard core Yunho's fan. Tell you what, Sungkyunkwan Scandal was AMAZING even though Micky has never ever been my bias. Tell you what, at this point in time, I still have this faith in them - that they misunderstood one another, that they only need to come face to face, that the moment Jae pulls Min into his embrace, Min will beat the craps out of Jae while crying his eyes out. And even if they don't, even if they find this new path more apt to their future, then be it trio or duo or all 5 solo, I wholeheartedly support their choices.
Don't bash one another! Get a life! Go out there and be amazing in whatever you do!
That much, is what you owe them, for all those years they make you proud, they inspire you.
And let them be human, let them get angry and frustrated and mad and ... let them be real, for once
because I am so so sick of all their diplomatic answer already.
You are the reasons why they would rather be mute than to express themselves
you - who think too highly of yourself, don't have the minimal trust in any of them
I, despise, you.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Vote for Linh - College Photo Competition
http://news.sou.edu/photo/ I participated in a photo contest in SOU :) Please vote for my pictures, it means a lot for me. Each and everyone of you inspires me to capture these precious moment we share there are 5 pictures 1. Umbrella (featuring Kelsey Lyn Ensminger ) #38 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/38/ 2. Pride Parade #37 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/37/ 3. Water shoot (featuring Mohammed Alghareeb )#36 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/36/ 4. Crater Lake trip (featuring ISA) #35 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/35/ 5. SOU Fall'10 (featuring myself) #34 http://news.sou.edu/photo/2011/01/11/34/  For some reasons my entry was lost thus it was updated later than all the other pictures I am at loss right now, since other pictures have already been voted up close to 120 thumb up :( Your help means a lot to me Thank you so so very very much Please help me ask your friends, and your friends' friends to vote for me, only if they like my pictures :) Help me spread the words, I really appreciate your help love, My-Linh Phan |
Christin
I wonder why every time I call out her name, I have this strong sense of security. But at this very moment, something else overwhelms me. It is not the pride and happiness which I always feel for her, but rather regret.
If only I could turn back the hand of time and do something right… I wish I could have… I wish I would have… I wish she would…
She was someone I would and I did distance myself from, someone who possesses an unwelcoming face, a rare smile, a grumpy “stay-away-from-me” aura. That was Christin of two years ago. I remember rolling my eyes if I met her on my way out of the hostel, during my sec 4 year. “It’s so going to rain, or something bad is surely going to happen” I used to tell myself each time I faced the sleepy and unfriendly Christin in the morning. Well, after two times being caught in the rain, not to mention losing my favorite book in the bus, I concluded that she was indeed my sign of unluckiness.
I thought I knew it all, yet I did not know the miracle of life…was about to happen. I did not know on that fateful night, she and I, like two parallel lines would cross, we talked from 10 till 3. I did not know I would come to trust her and rely and her and NOT being let down even once. I also could not predict that in my future, she would be the one who scold me so much, force me to sleep early, also the one who was so skinny, so small in size would protect me from harm. Nor did I know soon in the future there would be more going out, gossiping, whispering, caring, hugging and studying till morning between me and her…
Yet all these things I thought would never happen actually came true. Whenever I think about it, I think about us, and I think about my life in 2008, she was better than my favorite dish in Aston, she was better than my silky black dress in Asean Dance, better than the Great Singapore Sale, better than musicals and movies. SHE WAS THE BEST SURPRISE LIFE BROUGHT ME...
And one of the WORST PEOPLE THAT HAD TO WALK AWAY FROM ME…
(Don’t worry she is just leaving from Australia, a better place, less stress, better shopping opportunities… better looking guys…)
Above all. I would never believe that her leaving us would bring this much agony, this much anger, this much helplessness and despair out of me.
Then I learn she was indeed a blessing I was so lucky to have. I hate her so much for being Christin. Hate her because she would scold the hell out of you but will care for you till the very end. Hate her because she would slap me pink so that I would wake up from my foolishness and stupidity. She acts as if she would not give a damn but indeed she was the MOST KAPO person among us and cares the MOST about those she loves. She is the most ridiculous girl I ever know who loves so much, cares so much, sacrifices so much yet unable to ever say the 3 simple words “I LOVE YOU”. I hate her most for she watches funny clips whenever her heart is shattered so that she can laugh and hold back her tears. Hey Christin, do you know how hard it is for me to watch you like that? How can I tell you, it is OK to cry in front of me, to scream and to scold, to cry without holding back? How can I ever tell you that, it’s not weak to cry… it’s human and you are not the supergirl you think you have to be. How can I let you know that you should act according to your feelings, not opposite?
This is my Christin. I wonder if I had told her how much I sincerely love her and how much I thank her for all she has done for me, for the strength she gave, for her slow… very slow reaction to dirty joke that never fails to make me laugh whole heartedly. I wonder if she knows how important she is to me and how hard it is going to be without her, with me fighting all these battle namely A-level and you-know-who-and-who-and who… alone. I also wish she knew I felt freaking happy and honor when she voluntarily hugged me (haha, she, who hates it so much)and when she came to me and cried.
When I am in Vietnam, her text messages were my friend. Yet I cannot even meet her before she leaves Singapore. I cannot even lend her a hand to unpack and pack her 8 boxes into 6, share the joy of throwing away A-level notes and that few moments with her. I wish I had hugged her just a while longer before she left.
So, farewell, my dear Christin! Though us, being schoolmates is short, it’s is only the very very beginning of our friendship. When I say friends I really mean it, I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, to see you again and of course attend your wedding (whoever you marry, haha, bad bad luck him).
If I ever do anything wrong that let you down, I am truly sorry. I am also sorry for not my prejudice (I wish I had become your friend 1 or 2 years before). And I am sorry for years to come when we are apart, I cannot be there for you whenever you need me. But I wish you good friends, happiness, success in life and above all love. INNOVA will never be the same without you but I promise I will stay cool ;), keep u update haha. I will do my best, beat that girl to top school in art ;) like you always said, make sure that stupid X of yours won’t do silly stuff (like dating Su) and keep my promise to meet u soon.
So girl, LIVE STRONG, we always do, ‘cuz we are CHRISTIN & MY LINH
We love and take care of ourselves, and we stay true to our Colors.
No matter what
You are my friend
Glad to have been there for u, and VERY indeed, VERY glad to know u ;)
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