the idea of it - 1.Vespisti

Life is beautiful. She is certainly my type of heroine. I love the very fact that every time I walk out of my door and embrace Her. I find something bitter, something sweet, something heartbreaking something heartwarming. All in one - the ideal of it - brings me to the nightmare of youth, of people forcing themselves to "like", to "love", to "pretend" to live in the illusion of what is supposed to be the truth... Life would be exhausting if you don't dare to be yourself.

Here the story goes. My bitter epiphany, my sweet love. Small bits and pieces that bring me together to the realization of the "idea of it" 

Hey kids, do you really know what you desire for? Do you know what it truly mean by loving someone - someone abnormal, someone wickedly cool, someone politically incorrect? If you don't. stick with who u are, and trust me, you are fine, very fine with that

1. Story 1: Love me love my Vespa- not the idea of me having a Vespa. 

"I love Vespa, Wow, you are so cool" - these are the lines I have heard since 15. No cliche. When all the "chick" magazine, teenage newspapers started writing cheesy immature love stories about Vespisti (people who ride Vespa), back then in 2000 there was a Vespa wave among the youth. I read all those craps written by people who never bothered to land their precious arrogant butts on a Vespa, not to mention live with it, love it (even in sickness or in pain). My generation grew up with the thought that Vespisti were cool bunch of wicked freak. Maybe we are, maybe we aren't. 

I see where they came from. It's one gorgeous chick, even a head-turner. Guys.girls, the elderly looked at us - even when they are on an SH bike, approximately 10 times to 20 times worth my Vespa. But hey, we are talking about value not price here. So as far as I am concerned, people think they love Vespa.

But guess WHAT? They don't. They love the idea of Vespa. 

You love it when it behaves, when nothing goes wrong, when guys whistle behind your back and people pointing at you with admiration - of u or your Vespa I am not too sure. But here is the thing, working well, not going wrong, looking fabulous... is only one part of having a Vespa. One tiny part to be exact. I had my 1st when I was 15, dying in the middle of a traffic jam, bursting smokes and making funny noises took a good 70% part of the whole package. Having pushed May - name of my 1st Vespa home - 5km plus plus at 3pm in June was not funny. Having Vespa means: no more heels, no dress i.e. flats and jeans - full time alert to avoid traffic jams. 

My story could be long. Yet in short, recently I was hit on - now that I know, my Vespa was hit on, not me. He - the arrogant and pretentious male complimented on my turquoise Iviee - my second Vespa: "I would love to have one" I was really flattered. Iviee who never broke down before, who had been nothing BUT a wonderfully well-mannered girl decided to open up my eyes. She burst and stopped in the middle of the road. How humiliated he was - on the contrary I was indeed calm. May taught  me well. When I was dealing with the situation, he gave some "encouraging" comment: "Next time you want to go out, let me know, i will come and pick you up, there is no need to show off" 

There he goes, and there - they will continue, as far as I am concerned, people look at Vespisti as cool chicks and dudes when nothing goes wrong but the very moment when their Vespa stop working properly, they will smirk and call us name. First they pity themselves now they pity us. I could not help but laugh to tell him off. I don't need a free ride. In my most pathetic state, not having enough money to pay for a bus ride, with my two very healthy feet, I will walk my way to my destination. Bikes broke down, everyone of them would one day tells you that they are tired. I wonder why people hold this prejudice against Vespa.

So I told him off and went to fix it. The trick was simple and it did not cost me more than 3 bucks before I was on my way alone again. 

The trade is simple. Once you love it, it's an addiction, little bit of happiness only you know. If it was fashion, well, it does not worth it. cuz there is no fashion made your leg bruise and your arm aches for weeks.Yet when it's love, whatever people say, it's your crazy love.

the idea of it, trust me, it does not worth it, all that trouble and physical pain. If you call it trouble taking care of your sick lover, then why hanging on? 

Travel Log_Chiangmai 1

coffee@airport

coconut juice@Chiangmai temple

Everyone need a trip

now and then

It's not about running away

but standing from another position and look back

where I was from.... what kind of life I had

just so I learn to appreciate what I have

that I am so blessed to have wonderful family/cousins who never left my side

and wonderful best friend - whose mom thinks of me as her own daughter

-whose sister takes best care of me when I am around

I am truly blessed

시간에 지쳐도 사랑에 아파도

He did not ask me a trick question yesterday. He did not laugh to his heart content, at the mere thought of my absolutely annoyed and frustrated face trying to figure out the answer yesterday. He did not send me the sweet goodnight wishes yesterday.

I saw it all coming. I laughed proudly at my ability to read people – men especially. However, my heart aches till this moment. Not for him - lol, He should not take that much credits for nothing but for the bleak picture of dating on earth.

He must be mad – lmao. At the age of 30, isn’t it hard to accept the rejection of a 20 year old girl? Surely he is desired by many. Surely he is proud at his ability, family background, the number of instruments he can play – and all that jazz. Surely he could not understand why I don’t line up in that long queue of girls who could not wait for his smile.

Midnight, an apologetic sms came too late to restore my last bits of grace and kindness for men. Aren’t almost all of them the same? Isn’t selfishness man’s infamous trait? I don’t forget, though I may let things slide. Number … some 2 digit number, that maybe something for me to remember him by. The list will go on.  Over-confident boys they are, who love me, chase after me not for who I am but for the triumphant and egoistic thought of being able to tame, to possess and control this wild soul. I am not ugly, in fact pleasant looking - some may even say pretty, I am flattered. I am not awkward, in fact confident and dignified. I can surely talk to anyone – if I desire to and I have manners. Don’t you wonder why I am still single until this moment? Especially at the peak of my youth?

I believe in weeks to come, his good intention, attention and crushes will soon crash like those ignorant waves smashing into hard – sharp – indifferent cliff.

If you have  never ever read my blog, never talked to me when I am freaking mad/out of my mind – in my better language English, never knew/memorized my 5km to-do/future plan list – all of which have priority over nonsensical dates… then don’t you even think of messing up your life by shoving it into mine. I am old-fashioned. I hate pretty and expensive coffee shop. I loathed watching movies for dates and I feel like vomiting when guys- who barely know me, do that thing they think they do best - sweet talk. For crying out loud... do I look stupid and naive - do I look like I will faint just because they pretend they care at all?

Since when love, relationship, all those precious and pure feelings have become this cheap and pathetic?

Never before have I been this sure and happy about my relationship status. Single.

Damn proud I am single.

시간에 지쳐도 사랑에 아파도

turned around...

Turned around ...

and I did not see you anymore. You were not sitting there.You were not looking dazed like you always do. You were not waiting for me to return with our cups of coffee... I wanted Latte..  but for a second, I forgot the desire to taste sweetness of milk blended in the bitterness of coffee... what I did want more?... what I do want most, even now: that taste of the final latte with you or the taste of your lips, in the field, with winds enveloping us...

headstrong, totally disastrously the one and only you

I did not see you, I could not see you... chances were I would not be able to see you again

turned around...

And I was frightened... and I was traumatized... and reality hit me hard, I was at that very particular moment, lost again. I had been clueless in the maze of my grief after he passed away, but you came, held my hands and led me out of misery. My frantic mind became clouded with all the possibilities of the better - as you think it is, and of the worse - as I am so sure, even in this moment: losing you was the hardest part. Isn't it too cruel? You, the only person who bothered listen to my mumbles and chants messed up in uncontrollable sobs, now left me crying my eyes out alone on the roof top of our lighthouse... Why weren't you here to hug me like before? Why weren't you here to hear me confess: I really did not like you. The truth is, with every fiber of my being, I was in love with you.
Isn't it too cruel?

turned around...

and it all fades away... slowly, but it does... you and that curious stare I love, you and that hug when I was drown in those letters to heaven, you and that kiss in the plain plain green field... next to the old red post. Everything starts with you. Everything was beautiful because of you. Because all that perfect frame, perfect lips, perfect and strange mind belong to you, I get myself back in the sunshines

as simple as it seems
as heartbreaking, as excruciating as it actually is
you
were
gone

...............................................


turn around

"have we... have we met before?"
"where as in ... where?" - Reality checking and sanity checking... even in my wildest dream I could not imagine seeing you again. I am waiting for you, though my conscious mind reminds me you are gone. Though it sounds ridiculously unsound and obscure ... I am still waiting for you, with the couple of cherries around my wrist where you used to hold me firmly and dragged me out of pain...

turning around

"in the plains... old post... a mail box in the green grass..."
we trail off, and away...

welcome back...
This time, I won't turn around, not ever again, not away from you

from Hana to Jaejun

Hanoi, winter '09

inspired by Hana, and Heaven Postman

crying my eyes out

.:but I remember:.

...then I grew up, from the day-dream that things would never change - that I, mighty me, would never wear make up or torture myself in high heels, that my best friends in high school would still be my very best friends when I am close to death... I am sure everyone is fine with this radiant transformation. People change - how cliche'- yet how true, we know it too well that no one want to admit how hurtful it actually is: our memories gradually fade away like the calendar flipping, thinning and being torn restlessly... The day I walked out of my house 29th Sep, 2005. I never knew I would return home today in this metamorphosis, 6th Dec, 2009. My once-upon-a-time-ear-shot hair now passes my waist. My half-hip pants now are now buried to the very bottom of my closet - getting ready to be given away... I wonder what will happen in 4 years time, after college... I still don't know, and I do not desire to make such undesirable assumption of miracles and surprises -  what supposed to be life's gift to me. You may discard these bits and pieces of the past - the days when we qualified the very definition of what we now laugh at: "country pumpkin". You may jolly well do it, but i

but I remember

I remember clearly the way I looked in secondary school and high school. As if it matters now, but somehow these memories complete the picture of my childhood - of the relationships I had with the people around me. I am sure I have always been one of the most undesirable girls in class, may be not the worst, but among the big NO-NO thanks to my dad who always cooks delicious food... How nice it is to blame it on someone else, especially my dear father who takes pride in this cooking skill... In short, rudely and shamelessly I was really fat, in the Asian definition of Fatness -  which in another word, I refused to believe I am any chubby in the West - though that was not the point. The point is, I remember how I once had to buy a guy shirt, in stead of a girl shirt as a group uniform with my 6 other close friends - who of course, finds size XS a little too huge. I was definitely humiliated and bitter. They did not know much, and I guess even Huyen Anh, who witnessed my tears rolling down on the way back from the stupid shop, would not remember but i, but I remember those days... Now I wear guy shirt, still. Loving it. Not by force or desperation like the sad old days but by choice, fashion anyway. With a tiny belt around my waist and there I go.

But then again. you may wonder why I am writing these things down... I am not a intention-less writer. Yesterday, I saw a guy who claimed to take interest in me - the new me - the already transformed me making a cruel joke about a chubby girl. She was not that bad, maybe she was like me, back then, I did not care that much and knew that much. I laughed - cruelly and bitterly at him, brain-dead him and left the table, without leaving a trace of my existence.

I may look different now... I may feel things, perceive things in a different way now... To make it simple I may not be the same girl I used to, once upon a time. But i, I remember...

I remember how hurtful it was to be laughed at because you are a plus-size chick, living among these sickly thin people - I still am FAT - in your very definition of Fatness. If I throw to u the i-don't-give-a-damn-if-you-think-I-am-fat attitude, it does not mean: I am not aware that you are rude. Just that your remark cannot hurt me like before.

They can change a girl's body shape - even in the most desperate method i.e. plastic surgery - I have NOTHING against it. But bloody hell, why can't they freaking understand that there is nothing they can do to de-stupid-ize a brain dead girl with perfect body? They can't replace her heart either - for a kind heart cannot be bought and shove into that perfect body they desire.

So I watch friend after friend going for body instead of soul... Ended up complaining to me their unlucky love life - well... well, well, well... they don't but i, i remember...

I remember their choice of partners, with much compromise of "buts" and "ifs" ... Since you treat it as a bargain, this is as much life can give to you... seriously why is there a need to torture yourself and make alibi for why he is NOT freaking there when you need him the most, why he could not say anything decent - or anything at all while you are sobbing uncontrollably? Is it a crime, for him to be himself and not the "him" you assume he is?

Being single is seriously not that bad, even in winter when people complain they need bodies to hug, to be hugged - I wonder where goes the need of clothes and scarf.

Instead of getting myself anyhow a boyfriend for the sake of being "warmed" this Christmas eve, I got myself a Zara basic, navy blue long coat, chick and class.

and I am good, sipping hot chocolate in my room, reading a few poems by Margaret Atwood

p/s: watch out Hanoi, I am learning to drive this afternoon. My dad is proud, mom rolls her eyes, complaining: "first bicycle, then motorbike and scooter, now CAR... when will you buy her a TRUCK or a TANK?" Dad and I sharing a tiny wink, thinking more or less of boat or plane rather than tank,we swear,but well,not to shock mom yet... say we are good with car. I am so excited

DBSK - only Human

and here in your eyes, I'd like to stay

My monologue:
I am very busy - I still keep track with DBSK. I read too much, feel too much but rarely have the time to pen down my thoughts... However I know, If I do not let it out NOW, I might as well BURST. MAMA, and their  latest Stand by you performance- which many criticize them for being unprofessional - yeah WHATEVER

1. I am glad you came

I am really glad JCS came to MAMA, I am not sorry I do not give a damn about others' opinion.
Calling them traitor? Calling them popularity-thirst? Calling them not legitimate to represent DBSK?
I am speechless, BEYOND my tolerance. Can't they see the desperation in Chun's voice? He longed to sing on stage... Can't they see JJ is at the verge of breaking down? Can't they see? Or are they all blinded by the media? By SM and their tactics? If they can't see then I am telling you this JJ screw up the most handsome face of Asia - Chun broke down - BACKSTAGE, ladies and gentlemen, BACKSTAGE, if they freaking ask for your pity, or if they wanted some kind of sympathy or stir up Cassies' anger - They could have shed JUST a drop of tear, could have shamed SM or did something despicable, I am pretty sure, Cassies are damn willing to burn SM down.

BUT THEY STOOD STRONG till the very END as 3, for 5 members, for 1 DBSK, withOUT CODY, BODY GUARD, with un-sponsored suits, with weary and polite smiles and tired frames... How many of you cry for their conditions? How many of you actually care and feel their pain being separated from their identity? Being reduced to mere voices, not singers, muted singers - the agony of being allowed to stand on stage but NOT to talk to your members/brothers or answer questions?

That's DBSK for you.

Please don't hurt them anymore, Please don't doubt them!
No one tells them this yet, I can't directly come up to Chun and beg him to translate to Su - in case Su, with his MARVELOUS and amusing Su-glish misunderstand my good intention:

"JSC, I am glad you came. I am thankful, you came. I am grateful against all odds, against all threats, you came. I am sure, if there was one freaking reason why you risk your future to step on stage that particular day, it was for US, for CASSIES" - I am just very glad you came

Really if you can't make up your mind and abide your word: "Keep the faith", just move fandom. Faith is not denial, we are all well aware of the situation. We don't deny they are going through much, even anger within themselves toward one another perhaps, but faith... HOPE DIES LAST remember that. That if you chose to believe in their friendship for years, have some faith that even if they fight - as ALL of us have been there,done it, wanted to murder our best friends just so one day ended up crying in each others' arms saying one simple word: SORRY

2. Friendship

Some people started to falter from the very beginning of the lawsuit... some people start  falter now. Some people. NO, I won't deny, MANY people are doubting their friendship.

I don't - even if tomorrow, I see their pictures punching one another, swearing or calling each other's name - I don't doubt their friendship of more than 10 years, 6 out of which they inked themselves, engraved in their heart 4 letter words

TVXQ.

It's true we don't talk with our best friends in primary school anymore, it's true friendship does not stay forever - but it does not mean IT WAS NOT REAL.
At that very particular moment back then in time, they were close like brothers (I am not assuming that they are NOT now) In Paris and somewhere in Prague, in Grand Canyon and all over the places in Japan and Korea, back then they were each others' air to breath, inspiration to compose and motivation to push all that anti's threat and hatred to move on as DBSK.It was truly LOVE, and don't you dare doubt it!

3. Only human

For one last time, I just want to scream my heart out to let those soil-headed people know: even when they are named Gods rising from the East, even when they rewrite history and break all possible record: they are human, with flesh and blood i.e.
1. Your mindless/brain-dead words accusation and doubts/ gossips, whatsoever - I am sure you are damn good at creating chaos, dear SM and antis, DO hurt them emotionally
2. Your poison, in any form, whether it glue or a direct hit on the face, DO hurt them physically and mentally
3. Your constant stalk, camera straight up close to their faces 24/7 drives them INSANE
As much as we love them... we deprive them from the basic rights as human. We can fight with our friends, we can misunderstood our best friends, WHY CAN'T DBSK? Why can't Homin be upset with JCS because they miscommunicate and misunderstand? Why do you take just a moment of their anger to judge their years of hardship and brother hood?
Stand by you performance, Ok, I agree it was not their BEST one. Not being bias or fan-girl, fair enough, it was not their best. But what do you expect? Can you come up on stage, in THAT condition and pull it off better than they do? Common be honest! They are like the little mermaids, dancing their hearts out, beautifully on shattered glasses. So in THAT condition, you want them to smile CHEERFULLY??? You want them to PRETEND that they are fine? Give me a BREAK!, no not me, GIVE THEM A BREAK.
Even when they are DBSK, they are human... Why can't you let them be? They have been trying their VERY VERY best already.
Don't be ridiculous!

4. About JJ

JJ was one of my least favorite members back then, when I first start the whole fan-girling. I am pretty sure, to some of you who know me well, I am not a Yun-Jae lover shipper. I love U Know, simple as that. I rarely talked about JJ before, though those Cassies whom I love the most (namely: Nings and Iva) are both JJ's lovers. But here is something I want to say about JJ
At this particular moment, I would trade almost anything for JJ's genuine smile. I have read many fan's comments, fan's and anti's that JJ cried - what kind of weakness is that? JJ is like a girl, cry baby - real men do not cry...
-laugh, sarcastically LAUGH - Those tears he shed do not make him any LESS of a MAN, but on the very contrary, make him so much MORE like a HUMAN, bloody hell, he is not your freaking ice prince. I appreciate those tears so much because, they simply tell us one thing
---that there is something JJ holds dear to his heart, something JJ lives and fights for, something MEANS THE WORLD to JJ... That beautiful thing is DBSK.
For the first time, I am telling you this, I love and respect JJ - he has the dignity and courage to live true to his emotion and feeling. He is not a freaking coward who hides his heart, being scared of you people calling him a cry baby.
Just for THAT much, JJ is more of a man than any of those antis who call him names

5. Last few words

If one day, all this was to end...would you look back at the time you've spent loving them and supporting them as one you will forever cherish or would you look back and regret???

Fair enough, I thought I would give you my 2 cent, I am giving you my piece of mind worthy of at least $200. If it is still necessary to ask me this question then

NO

Not a moment, a second, a fraction of time will I ever regret loving them, adoring their music, trusting their brotherhood and friendship. Simply NO. fandom and fangirling - these are the things I did not acquaint myself with throughout my childhood and teenage life. Theses are the things I will never get myself into, if not for DBSK

here with you

...and here in your eyes, I'd like to stay

1. Family.

25th 8:00
I get out of my bed, running like a maniac in and out, trying to get my hair dried and my ao dai buttoned up

25th 8:45
I am in the car, driving to your place

25th 8:57
I am cursing the idiot who created the freaking traffic jam - Damn, I am gonna be 5 minute late
I am getting frustrated

25th 9:15 - 12:00
Up and down, 5 floors in heels, talking about madness and chaos.
Do you want a drink? a cake?
Where the hell is your flower?
Is the make up done yet?
... Hon and Ngoc are arranging flowers half the city away in the restaurant
... Bi is driving her tiny cutie car all over the places, getting newly made ao dai for her 6 aunts and mother
... My dad is walking back and forth arranging cars
... Uncles are clearing the traffic, wearing suits working like policemen
You are on your way to your new home

25th 22:00
You are on the way to the altar, in his hands
Again, I play the interpretor role, translating to your New Yorker friends the Vietnamese traditions
Chi Hon plays the camera woman role, snapping beautiful shots
Chi Bi plays the host, welcoming and ushering guests into their  seats
Chi Ngoc (Angie), exhausted after the whole day decorating the restaurant, sinks into her seats, mumbling something strange

25th 21:00
The party is over and I am on my way again
Chi Bi, Chi Hon, Angie and I all changed from our traditional costumes and heels to flats and casual clothes
Tomorrow is your party

26th 2:00
Chi Hon, Angie and I are on our way to Hanoi flower market, carrying flowers like real farmers
My mom is busy bargaining to save more and more money for you

26th 2:30 - 5:00
I am sitting on the floor, arranging wild flowers into different vases, decorating the restaurant
My nails change shade, from the healthy and pinkish clean color to the hideous mixture of dirt, sticky rubber and yellowish green, after hours and hours of cutting flowers
4000 flowers: baby lily, roses, ... unknown flowers from the wild
and yet we still have 2000 more to go
Chi Hon is on a ladder with my mom, working on your flower gate
Chi Bi is half asleep, half awake, making a gorgeous slide show for you
Staff of mom's restaurants were setting up the table
Hot pink silk for your table cloths, the most expensive one of a kind - the color of happiness, white chiffon ribbons are tied on every single chair - the color of purity
everything you like

26th 5:10
I am asleep, on a bed, made out of three different chairs
so is Angie, with her scarf covering her face, sleeping like a little child
Chi Hon and my mom are still wide awake, doing the finishing touch, with pride
Chi Bi snugs in her car, trying to find some comfort

26th 6:10
We think we are frozen to death
Hanoi at breaking dawn isn't that mild
On our way back home, I looked back with a smile
a sleepish one - will you be happy with your hard work?

26th 15:00
And the chaos starts again
We all in ao dai of different color, high in heels and charming in traditional hair style and make up
Running like maniac around the restaurant
Me - working on your wedding pictures table
Chi Hon: somewhere in Hanoi, getting your poster printed
Angie: armed with glue gun and artificial flowers - just a little bit MORE
Chi Bi: setting up the slide show
...

26th 17:00 - 23:00
In ao dai, I carry food to table like a waitress, smile like an air stewardess, greet strangers as if I have known them for ages - NOT punching stupid guys who think I tolerate stupidity and flirts
... my toes are killing me
I have not eaten anything since yesterday crappy dinner at the other hotel

why?

Because chi Trang, it's your wedding day
Because of that whole hearted cheerful smile that stays on your beautiful lips, it does not matter if there are more work to do, if there is more horrid traffic jam to cross and there are more aching legs, uncomfortable clothes...
Because we are family, you aren't my cousin, you are my sister.
Because grandma's only wish, is to see you happy on your wedding day with anh Hoang
Because we all cried wishing she were here, with us, to see you shine like a star

Because we belong to the same family, we share not the same parents but the same grandma

Congratulation on your wedding day, chi Trang

Welcome to our family, anh Hoang

May you be happily in love now and ever after...

we love you so much

... and this is my family, the one who does not have the lightest idea about the different between "cousins" and "sisters/brothers" - my family tree is surely full of nuts, we cried and laughed at the same time, share bits and bits of private jokes

BUT I LOVE THEM TO BITS

because they are my family

and I am freaking PROUD of them :)