light house

One short sleep passed, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death thou shalt die.

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Grandma,
I am sorry, I am sorry I could not grow old soon enough, to let you see the woman I become
I am so sorry I am home soon enough, to get scolded by you even for the last time
I am so sorry I have not made you proud, nor have I done anything to lessen your worries about me.
I am sorry I could not fast forward the time to show you my boyfriend, to stand in front of you in my wedding dress, to let you know I am in good hands...

I am sorry I am home too late...

I mean it, I am sorry.

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Softly I chant a prayer for her... monotonous, disrupted and broken in foreign tongue. I always think when I am home, she would always be there, without fails, always be there to wait for me... Too naive, am I? to think I am the only one who need her... to think her life revolves around waiting for me tirelessly in the corner of Hanoi... to forget she has walked this lonely journey more than 40 years, waiting for the reunion with my grandfather

I should have been happy for her departure... My grandmother did not suffer. Maybe, this is the way I chose to see it... To see her sleep and slip into the other world with a smile, hands in hands with my grandfather... Maybe death is not that scary, for there are lovers await us on the other side... I should, but I could not.

I am selfish, I am still a pain in her neck all the time. I love her to bits but I could not bring myself to ever agree with her on any term... I am selfish and childish I still need her in my life. I am selfish and childish I just want her for my own... She promised to match-make me, she said I am the MOST difficult grand daughter she ever has, thus she must work hard to get me a proper husband... But now she is gone, what am I supposed to do? Does she know I still depend on her so much??? even holding on to her silly promise?

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itouch keeps on playing a song: Kiss Shita Mama, Sayonara...
Now I understand... even if it is just a lie, even if it is spilled coffee over my new bed sheet, even she made another mistake, scolding me for no rhyme and reason... I still want it all... I claim it all, her hot temper, her forgetfulness, her strange ideas... if she could still see me tomorrow, when I return, if she could still ask me again: how are you doing?

Things I took for granted, now I want them so much... I want them back, those last four years of her life, I have always been away from her, those hurtful words I mark... those lies that I could not stand her

It is not that I could not stand her, it is just that I cannot stand not having her in my life

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Safe journey, Grandma
We will meet someday, at the end of my restless road... one fine spring day

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