... I could not sleep.
I think I might have done something horrible to Ning... I ended up reading her twitter for almost the whole night, while editing a few pictures for Fanie and Cindy. Knowing it hurts. I wonder why the whole idea did not cross my mind before I even got myself into it... I mean, into U-Know and DBSK. Now it is too late to turn back, I enjoy that bits of comfort too much. Their songs and their laughters... Their existence in my life deepens day by day, not just the typical idol-fan girl crap anymore. Like my melody, I can always find a piece of their lyric to pamper my emotion, to express my chaotic mind, to hype up my day.
Little do I realize my relationship with them, again reminds me of a song I used to sing alone, with the weary yet hopeful smile, which now vanished.
"On My Own"
"And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me
In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known
I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own... "
Ain't we too hopeful? Ain't we pure dreamers? People tell me: DREAM it does not cost you anything to dream, DREAM! - little do they know, holding on to the false dream... waking up one day, realizing my dream has shattered costs me a river of tears, and years of regrets
It takes my mom a good hour of talk, heart to heart like we always do. She asked if I even considered the Japan scholarship. . . I mean, at least Japan - Tohoshinki - it makes more sense than somewhere in New York, doesn't it? She frankly asked me if I was willing to give up my dream of 20 years for a guy - even if he is Yunho...
..............................................
Pure guilt till this moment. But then again, I really hope, Ning will go further than me. Between Japan/Korea and my University of choice, I ended up making a decision today, a clear answer to my mother. Going against my heart, I will be watching over DBSK from afar. . . I may not be able to do much till I actually get my degree and earn my money. Till then, the purchase of an original CD, though small is till an act of support. Till then, the message from an unknown international Cassie though seemingly insignificant is still an act of support from the pure and arden love for them. I wish I could tell them this moment: Wait for me, till I can actually support DBSK in a more significant manner, like a translator perhaps, or an organizer for their performances in Vietnam. Till then, I will work hard - don't I just sound like Yunho? I will keep my promise, no matter where I am
...............................................
Most kids have to grow up. And I did today, in a way, not a pleasant one, but a necessary one. Guess, I am giving up the "fan girl" mode to get back to my feet and be stable. I am not giving up though, Of all the things, no, I am not giving up my desire to support DBSK.
...............................................
I am going on a trip tmr... away away from here
2 comments:
No, you didn't do anything horrible to me that night. So, no worries. :)
I didn't know you actually does read my Twitter. D: Because most of the tweets, are filled with nonsense, random thoughts and angry words.
Thank you really, for your comments, and your encouragement. I'm not sure if I will be able to go even further than you, but then it doesn't hurt to aim further does it?
For your plans, work hard, and fighting! I do really hope you do reach where you wanted to be at the end of the day.
I had been thinking a lot ever since your long comment, it forces to me face the reality and harsh grounds. I'm more thankful than you thought I am, and I guess I will be replying that comment of yours into a blog entry once again.
Oh yes, there's one thing I like to add.
I really envy you for your mum understands completely how you felt towards an idol. Till now, I don't have the encourage to fully tell her what I had been keeping inside these years. Most of the time, with a mere mention of me wanting to take a flight for their concert, we will end up in a bad fight. In a way, to her, I'm a over obsessive fan girl. I was almost positive that, if I were to say I had fallen deep with Jaejoong, she will laugh, saying that I didn't know what love is all about. She wasn't supportive, like your mum - checking up their news, buying aadbsk3 for you etc.
But then, she told me this a lot of times, "When you're old enough for these things, you will forgot about them, and when you look back, you will be embarrassed of yourself, regretting all the money you had spent on them."
I wanted to disagree with her at the every second, but thinking of the consequences, I swallowed everything down, I believed time does says everything and I hope one day my mum might felt that I wasn't just a fangirl anymore.
You're lucky your mum does see your way. :D
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