touch

1. touch

Do you touch?
the version of "her" you made up
just to find out... she is not real?
not tangible, not flesh and blood.
pure air, fuming from hatred
and jealousy...

She can't conform into the other version of "me" you desire, the ordinary girl who has to blend in the background so you can shine. Guess what? being ordinary (for your sake) is the hardest thing I ever try, being plain and fade into the dark.

"She is a drama queen"
I don't deny it. I am dramatic, I am the director of my own tragedy, the leading actress of my narcissistic self written tale, the camera woman, the editor... the whatsoever. But at the very very least, I am in control of my life.

at least
when I hug my raw wound to sleep tonight, I can FEEL the pain.
when I touch my shattered heart, I know it is flesh

touch
me
PUSH me (if you dare)
don't push HER
don't STAB her with your dirty little gossip
Because she can't bleed
Like I cannot bleed my blood for her.
Because she is not me, because air holds no weigh

It's funny, how people are really scared of confronting me. They look away when I look into their eyes and await the direct bash. I am not trying to be rude, staring in that manner. I just want to see, for real, the reflection of me, in your eyes.

Your eyes don't lie to you. The girl I see in the reflection is me.
Just that your prejudice and jealousy whisper another tale... I know not, love not, care not.

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2.



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3. About 2.

About the 2 depressing days, that passed by like a painful closure to my stay in this boarding school, I do not know how to retell the story.

So I let things slip, slide pass... like my tears that fell uncontrollably. being taken for granted... ummm that certainly does not sound like me. The glorious moment on stage, the heartbreak backstage pain... all in one. I am left with questions I want not to confront. What is not mine, will never be mine. . .

.................................................

4. I am sorry

I am sorry I have been hurtful, I am sorry I am unable to let people in my heart so easily. "I did not cause your pain, all I ever want is to easy your heartache" He whispered breathlessly into the phone. "love after love"

"look, I am no Jung Yunho but..."

I laughed at his silly remark.
Who says, I need him to be Jung Yunho? Who says I desire him to take after my love from the past? Who tells him all these craps must know nuts about me.

It has never been anything about him, it is not about the hair style, the clothes, the smokie smell from the jacket - I love smoke smell by the way/ missing dad too much to bear.it has never been ANYTHING about all the guys and the sms.

It is all about me.
that I am not ready to be pressurize into a relationship
that I am self-centered, selfish- or at least, trying to be
that I just canNOT wait to get out of here...

Tmr, 1st "date" for him and 1st "appointment" to me. "it's not a date, for me, you know that? I just want to make it clear" I said, almost emotionless. "who cares what you think? at the very least, I won't just for this time".Headstrong meets headstrong. Let's just see who will last.