#thistouchmyheart

"What I could do as a hyung* is when he is getting hit by hundreds of rocks, I can sneak in for a bit and block at least five of those rocks so that he can breathe a little.”

Kim Jang Hoon,

on MC Mong's issue - source Osen

*Huyng: Older Brother, Older male to a younger male (not necessarily related)

Perhaps because we all have been treated too cruelly, brutally by this world, we grow callous, we desire retribution, we want karma. I am not saying one should not have to pay for his own action, or take responsibility for his deeds because we all know: what goes around comes around. 

However, never wish someone ill, never be cruel, never inflict pain upon someone else if you can help it... They will "get" it, one way or another. Have mercy - stay with them for a moment when the world is against them, and let them breath...

It's always good to have someone around... Someone with you.

Have a kind day :)

from now on

I have never stopped thinking about writing.

this is the truth

It's within me - the urge to write, to jot down a line or two of something strange that overtakes my breath for a moment. I still compose a little bit of everything everyday, unspoken, unwritten words. I will end up pondering about those thoughts for a few days, asking myself whether I should or should not materialize these secrets of mine... I end up shielding them all away from this world. 

And so I built. It's like a library inside your head. It's messy and smells like old papers in rainy seasons. There are no walls just white wooden bookshelves that stack up from the bottom of the floor to the ceiling. I fill them full with muted desire, muffle cry and desperate longing. Those are MINE, I said. But as I stand in front of my newly conquered triumph, I feel out of breath... Ah... I miss the feeling of sharing, of having his head on my laps as we both drifted off to the two different worlds that our books took us. I miss that feeling of curling up inside my room, with a book in my hand, the warm yellow light and some highlighters. There are unspoken words that I cannot share with the world now - I keep them here safe. 

but from now on

from now on, I would like to brush away my fear. I don't owe anyone out there an explanation for what I do and do not. This is fiction, this is the thought that takes my breath away... a scene from my imagination of a girl named her and a guy named him. This isn't me or someone I know - but as I write I would like to get to know them. It isn't something that happened or will happen or must happen... Maybe one day I would keep my promise and write about them in a proper manner. Maybe one day I would string those fragmented bits and pieces of their stories together and make sense out of this confusion... 

These are the possibilities. I don't know. I can't possibly know right now for I am buried alive with a tiny straw to breath under what it's called: my reality. It's just nice, that I have somewhere else to go every time I want to. That there is always a place, the place where they live, fall in and out of love.

from now on, let's just take it easy

and 

breath ...

never mind?

so... it has come to my attention that I don't really "get" the awesomeness of music hits nowadays.

First it was the Grenade song, which hit me like a grenade, literally. While people's hearts are bursting out... in tears like a grenade singing the darn song, I find myself rolling my eyes -.-" It's a typical physical reaction of a snobbish individual a.k.a me... Friends of mine thought the song was darn romantic, breathtaking beauty, I felt like a troll for being so disagreeable.

'Cuz here is the deal, my friend. I see no bravery, no romance, no ultimate love in such suicidal love. "I'll catch a Grenade for you"... yeah... and what? leaving me alive watching you being torn off into pieces? Funny, thanks but no thanks. The whole idea is traumatizing and ridiculously obnoxious, in my personal opinion. However the whole idea that there is actually an individual who could actually see any romance in it frightens me even more. No wonder why the girl doesn't want you. And dear, you really really don't have to agree with me. Wait till you actually experience the trauma of loosing someone dear, then we shall sit down and talk: whether or not you still want a dead boyfriend and a unfinished romance to store in your memory. It's not gonna be a pleasant conversation, I assure you. 

Then "Someone like you" rolls in and I raised eyebrows. It's another depressing song - I have nothing against the singer. She is mad talented. The problem is that I have no idea what you all are thinking... "Never mind I'll find someone like you" It's like after a failed relationship, you want to go back and find another clone - like reading the same book with different covers, knowing very well how it's gonna tragically end.

We - humans, tend to look for sadness and pain for some odd reasons. I wonder if the whole idea of having an ordinary boyfriend who is at the very least alive for you has become outdated, mediocre and odd. I wonder if the whole idea of learning from your mistake, that THIS kind of guys ain't gonna work out with me hence, let's find a totally different type of men has also become strange... Must we? for crying out loud, jump into the same trap twice and then blame Fate for her cruelty.

Remember you took the plunge yourself. I am just saying.

And never mind me :) Just mind what you listen to. 

if a day is started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love, it can never go wrong...

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Dedicated to my T-List girls, I am back
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You have been travelling alone at the age of 14, through UK, Italy, Thailand... you name it. You have had outstanding days - living in the priest dorm in Vatican, walking in the rain in Bath hands in hands with your crush, talking to perfect strangers who seemed to be your soul mate...Just so you would not start to beat around the bush, you remind yourself that you should like to make this statement loud and clear: "there have been a lot of amazing days in my travelling life - but I dare say, not that many, or indeed barely ANY could beat THIS day of ours (with my Ferina and JinSol. It all started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love... and life proves me right, a day started so glorious, would NEVER go wrong..."


Bear with yourself, my love - for going through your dirty laundry list is really not your niche. You have scrutinized your own blog from the very first entry - just so you had to quit writing recently because you could never be the kind of bloggers who goes like: "Oh, today I meet S. chat with G. go shopping with A. and OH MY GOD, we bought this and that from brand X Y Z -.-" No not me not I. However such a wonderful day like today, you believe "love is contagious. I must share and pass this happiness forward..." that's why you went on twitter, announced your sudden comeback to the blogger world with your ultimate close friends online.  So here you go:

So let's start at 7:03. When the alarm started to "shout like an ehhhh ohhhhh" (Cassie joke), and because you could barely stand that particular song, you opened your eyes to finish the final project. Being outstandingly (and shockingly) productive, you were able to leave the dorm nest in Dankook University at 10 in your ultimate favorite dress... and never would you ever imagine, happiness could simply start with 3 words...

magical words

"I miss you"

... does it ring a bell?

"I miss you"

Perhaps it does not, to others, because in this plain and soundless font, it's meaningless. But imagine a tune... a beautiful tune that captured your heart for the past 3 years with odd; the particular tune that made your heart skip thousand beats whenever you heard it over the radio, in a shop or somewhere near Korean town; that tune that depicts your ultimate feeling with the only band you ever call yourself fan of...

You are right. Hell-to-the-yeah, you are bloody RIGHT, and you knew it immediately. The six Japanese girls who were walking in a group behind your back as you were rushing to the bus station were Tohoshinki's fans. Simply by listening to those 3 words, you could tell, that was Tohoshinki's "Miss You" - that MUST be. And instead of smiling goofily to yourself, you turned around and ask: "Isn't it Tohoshinki's song? Are you BigEast?"

That was JUST enough for them to scream their hearts out in joy. And the rest was history. You talked and talked just like that time you found the lady who owned a CD shop in Kangnam, who went to Yonsei University, married and still displayed the Hall of Honor for DB5K in her shop... You talked and talked and one of the girl asked you who your bias was, which you replied with Yunho - immedi-freaking-ately she pulled out her purse, took out a BigEast limited picture of Yunho and Changmin and handed it you as a gift. You talked and talked and were told that: "Really? Not a lot of people talk about DB5K anymore here? We still love DB5K a lot and many of us are waiting for their comeback, as 5 of course" and you were breathless...

... and you realized you had become weary of the news, the drama, the boys themselves - to be fcking honest. You have been proud of yourself for not being a blind fan since day1 - for that you could clearly state that Heading to the Ground by your bias Yunho was a poor excuse of buying attention from the poor excuse of a script writer and the broadcasting company. For that you have been sick of J.Y.J new songs and albums because you know it best: these boys are talented ballad singer/song writers - but for the sake of topping chart, they are relishing dance songs to maintain their presence in the industry (compared to ballad, dance songs usually do much better on chart - name it Gee, RingDingDong, Sorry Sorry, Mirotic...)

... and for a moment, you became honest with yourself - you have been weary of the boys themselves. You no longer maintain that high level of interest in Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Yuchun and Junsu - you skip several news about them, stop staring and adore every freaking picture posted on DBSKnights. But what keep you? What keep you here with them until this moment, 2 years after the law-fcking-suit?

It's no longer the boy - individually or even, you dare say any duo, trio of them. You hate the new music, new songs. You hate soul-searching for the missing voices in every freaking single song. If not for DB5K individually then who? Now you know the answer: it is BigEast and Cassiopeia that keep the faith - keep YOUR faith... The songs have all changed, the boys have grown up callous with groundless scandals and unbearable pressure/injustice but Cassiopeia/BigEast's chant? It's still the same...


And on this day you met a perfect stranger whose only link to you was the love for the five boys you have never interacted in your life, on that day she handed you this beautiful gift of friendship - you believe it must be a message from above: Linhieee, hang on. It's ok to get weary, it's ok to be disheartened. It's ok that the fire of the torch you promise to hold on for them - like the sparkle of the light house so that them 5 can return "home" home as DB5K in the storm is weak! You are NOT alone, there will be 800 000+170 000 +++ Cassie here to fuel your fire. We are in this together, just for them...

You smiled brightly. The T-bus card you thought you forgot in the dorm suddenly appeared in your bag, next to your iTouch. You happened to visit Gyeongbok Palace right at the moment the guard-change ceremony took place. You were given a JYJ Nature Republic free gift by chance. You visited Bukchin Hanok Village and lost breath by its beauty. You had a wholehearted delicious dinner with your best friend and MakKoLi. You did not sleep on the bus as usual and happened to catch the Jaejoong advertisement on Lotter Duty Free building when the bus passed by MyongDong (support JJ's Protect the Boss ad). You talked to strangers on the bus, had a great time and came back just to hear HoMin's Back to Tomorrow:

A solitary flower, pure in bloom in a tree, so fragile but proud 
Looking at you full of youthful zest, tears are beginning to overflow 
Let’s walk the long road, once again from the beginning 
Tomorrow should shine　BACK BACK BACK now, please BACK BACK BACK with me 
Should surely shine again　BACK BACK BACK together BACK BACK BACK with you

A day started with Cassiopeia/BigEast love would never go wrong... They call it coincidental - you know it's sign and it's fate. You tell yourself: screw the rest - stans and whatnot. Realistically - as a level headed Business major chick, you know it - DB5K would never go back as 5 as long as the butthurt SM is still involved. But this is why we call it faith, when everything is impossible there is still faith - and for faith, you tell yourself: let's just take it one day at a time. They maybe back after serving the army? They maybe back a year from now? OR right this December... it doesn't matter. They will be back and for you... that's just far enough.

...

had a wonderful day! and will go on having more wonderful days under the Rising Sun

I cried a river today

just want to remember today - the day I walked pass Gangnam station, through gate six, clutching a particular book closely to my sob, boarded on Bus 8101 till the bus termination.

I know why I cried, and I will always remember why I cried today

"Please look after your mother"
Yes I will, no matter what, I am going to take care of parents. They are precious to me, yes they are, more than the air I breath.

New generation of Janitors - and the People we thought of as Friends

Perhaps it is really hard to maintain a blog that doesn’t contain a single rant from the blogger. But hey, bloggers are humans and are sentient beings, just like any other homo sapien out in the streets. Well, here’s mine.

It is sometimes unfathomable how friends call you friends with their mouth, and you take their word so seriously you defend them with everything you’ve got. But sadly, it ended up us being the janitors cleaning up the mess our ‘friends’ have created for us. And yet, because they are indeed our friends (regardless whether they see us as tools, toys, or pushovers), we still help them because our conscience egged us to.

Yes, I am indeed the new generation of janitors the world sees today. I do not clean the faeces men and women physically produce every day as a part of their lives. I clean a different kind of manure, less filthy in smell but at least twice as foul as its brown-coloured cousin. I clean the shit people I know throw at me.

Wait, this is different from helping friends doing something. I am a helper, and I love to help my friends with their things, even if sometimes I have a bad feeling about it. But this is completely different from people asking you to help solve the troubles they’ve created. Because of this, I am in an awkward position. I have questions to answer, of which I do not know the exact answer because only the firestarter knows it better than I do. Similar to a janitor, when the supervisor asks how come there’s faeces outside of the toilet bowl. The janitor just shrugs and cleans up the mess anyway, even if that doesn’t belong to the poor janitor.

Until now, I’m still doing my janitorial duties because nobody else is willing to do so. But thankfully, I’ve learnt something important during my work at an IT company for a month. Whatever shit they throw at me, I do not pick them up and treat them as if it’s my own.

These shit aren’t mine. I’ll clean it, but they’re not mine. I will not delve into depression thinking about how these people could do such lowly thing to their own friends (or whatever they call me). I will not allow my emotional stability to be disrupted by troubles that aren’t caused by me in the first place.

Perhaps I should remind myself of this saying from a certain tutor:

If you give me shit, I’ll give you double the shit.

But I guess I’m too nice to return the ‘favour’ anyway.

by GouJun Lee

when you are finally here

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I always tell myself, that day I will allow myself to cry my eyes out.
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that
day
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when you are finally here.
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all these years of holding on, letting go, growing up... all these pains that I muffle with my pride, one day, when you are finally here,... I will be able to say it all, cry them out - I will be able to walk down the street with feather steps - rest my burdened heart. I will stop being the wonder woman I am not. To love, to care, to be loved, to be cared for. I still believe, no matter what, that day will come.
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. what takes you so long?